Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Author's Note: Sorry for the extended absence, see profile for profuse apologizing. Oh, and I guess I should go ahead and warn you. I'm not happy with this chapter, but then again it's been a long time since I last wrote anything for this. You be the judge, and let me know!

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Friday, January 5

Took me long enough to get a chance to finish Tuesday's writing. James is being particularly clingy, and I'm getting right sick of Remus' "haunting" stares during Transfiguration. I mean, how's a bloke supposed to focus on charming some Hufflepuff's pants off if Remus is constantly breathing down my neck? Even Peter is developing a disturbing ability to be by my side, day and night. Finally shook the whole lot off me this afternoon, thanks to my pre-"friends" nighttime wanderings. I'm starting to think being a loner had its advantages, even though I guess it's just their way of helping. Even though James and I fixed everything up, I know that things are still a little touchy between us.

But back to Christmas holidays- I want to get this down before the memory starts to fade. I managed to avoid him, and (thankfully) Lucius for the first few hours of our pureblood bonanza. The adults were all completely smashed, and I was nursing a glass of firewhiskey myself (oh, what would little Remus say…) outside of the manor. Just walking around the grounds, trying to stay out of my father's way for a little while. I guess I was preoccupied, or a little unsteady, because next thing I knew Snape was gripping my arm. I turned around (and upset my glass, which still had a couple of sips left, sadly) and looked at good old Severus. He had his particularly stunning sneer across his snarky little face, and he said that we had to "talk." Here's the conversation, or something similar. I wasn't in the best condition to commit it to memory, obviously.

"What do you want, Snape," I said.

He just laughed. "You're getting just as bad as the Mudbloods, Sirius. Must be such a blow to your family- they're quite proud of their pureblood status, and rightfully so…And now, look at what they have for a son. Friend to the Mudbloods, the blood-traitors…Sirius Black, a Gryffindor!"

"Oh, shove it, Snape. I'm damned proud of my House. At least I'm not in Slytherin with the rest of the inbred bats."

"So you stand up for your House?"

The question seemed to stupid to me at the time, the exact sort of thing a Snape might say. I answered, "Of course." And then I pushed Snape away from me and went into the house. I sat down in a lone chair as far away from my parents as possible. It was getting late, and I figured that I would be able to slip away soon, hopefully before Lucius noticed me. He was completely out of his mind, as he'd started in on a drinking game with the Dunns' brats, and I knew that only trouble would come if he saw me sitting by myself, unprotected.

Just as I was about to leave the room, Snape caught my eye. The corners of his mouth were curling, and I knew that I was about to get my payback for the hell I'd given him. After all, we were now in his element- pureblood mania, and the greasy Slytherin fit right in. He leaned in to Lucius, who was swaying a little- not exactly out of character for him, as his parents practically raised him on firewhiskey- and Snape whispered something quickly into the Malfoy's ear.

"Oh, Sirius!" Lucius practically trilled. Every blasted idiot in the room focused on me, of course. The Cunninghams had already left, but the rest of the party was still roaring along.

I glared at Lucius, but knew that I couldn't afford to ignore him. "Yeah?"

"You haven't exactly discussed your-" and Lucius broke off here to take a swig from the glass by his side. "-Housing situation, have you? Let's hear the whole story, Gryffindor."

Snape had a great little sneer on his face. I only had a few seconds to think of a response, and I knew that Snape had set the whole thing up. No one would have listened to Snape if he'd been the one interrogating me, but the oldest Malfoy boy might carry some weight, especially since our family's were about to be joined in damned matrimony. I was about to tell him to sod off- the most intelligent thing I could think of at the time- when my father got involved.

He was sitting in a large leather chair by the fire, and he looked up from the conversation he'd been carrying on with Lucius' dad. "Sirius is very regretful regarding his placement, right, son?"

What was I supposed to do? I tried to get away with not saying anything, but my father wasn't having any of that. I had to denounce Gryffindor, and try to save some face with these people. My father looked straight at me as he said, "We know that the Sorting Hat must have made some grievous error when he placed Sirius in that House, but he's a true Slytherin. The first thing he said to me, after I displayed my unhappiness at his placement, was that he planned to turn Gryffindor down the right path. Right, Sirius?"

I'm not proud of what I said. It's hard for me to even write it.

"Yes, I did," I said through gritted teeth.

"And you're going to weed out the undesirables, correct?"

"Of course, Father." And with that, everyone went back to their conversations. I'd done what Snape had expected- fallen in with my parents' expectations, avoided the beating I'd have taken if I had expressed my real beliefs. I hate myself for what I said.

My father smiled thinly at me, and then I sprinted out of the room. Snape's black eyes were boring into my back as I left, and I know he was right pleased with himself. Now he had something over me, and plenty of witnesses (if they were sober enough to remember it), since the Dunn kids go to Hogwarts.

I'm no better than any of them. And now Snape has this over me, and I'm right screwed. How can I look at James, or Peter now? Or Remus…Gods, Remus, the little guy who stood up for me, who said what my parents believed didn't affect me. I'm just like Snape, parroting their beliefs to avoid conflict. And there's nothing I can do to right this, as long as Snape lives…

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It was a quiet Sunday night in the Gryffindor common room. The only noise, the sound of scratching quills, was punctuated only by the occasional soft moan. Everyone was struggling to complete neglected weekend work for Monday's classes. In fact, Sirius was the only first-year not working furiously at a Transfiguration essay assigned by McGonagall. Peter and James were working clandestinely together on the assignment, which was to be a staggering twelve rolls. Remus, who had started the paper when it had been first assigned back in November, could afford a few worried glances at his still friend. Sirius had written a meager three rolls, and yet he showed no sign of halting his concentrated study of the thick red rug beneath his feet.

"Hey, Sirius?" Remus said softly, prodding the dazed boy with his quill.

"Mmm?" Sirius mumbled in response.

Remus almost inquired after his friend's blank parchment, but then thought better and held his tongue. "Fancy a quick walk, to walk ourselves up? I'm almost asleep, and I've got a bit more to go," Remus fibbed as he saw Sirius begin to shake his head. "Come on, Sirius, help a friend out."

Remus' words, meant as a teasing prod friend-to-friend caused Sirius to visibly flinch. "Yeah, sure," he said quickly.

Remus pretended that he hadn't seen how Sirius' hands had trembled as he opened the door into the yawning hall. The two boys ambled down the dark, empty corridor in silence for a few moments as their feet carried them in a circuitous walk about the castle. After a period of silence and careful study, Remus broached the subject that was on everyone's mind after Sirius' angry outburst on the Hogwarts Express.

"Sirius, what happened over your holiday?"

"Nothing," the boy replied brusquely.

"Oh, come off it," Remus said in an unconscious imitation of James. Sirius' mouth quivered with a smile, for he noticed the similarity. Both boys laughed for a moment, but Remus' expression became serious once more.

"You can tell me, Sirius. Whatever happened, we're friends."

Sirius laughed softly. He was tired of dancing around the subject. After all, this was not the first inquiry he'd had from the other three. So he finally gave in to their insatiable desire to understand, even though he knew it would be the end of everything. He spoke in the cold tone of a man walking towards death, the harsh, toneless voice of acceptance. "Oh, friends is it? Well, if we're friends, then I guess I can tell you how I betrayed every one in our House. And it wouldn't matter if I told you that I, in front of half of the purebloods in Slytherin, basically swore my allegiance to the cause of eradicating any half-blood or Muggleborn. Pretty great for a Christmas holiday, don't you think?"

Remus' eyes remained on Sirius as the boy's face twisted into a sneer. Clearly, he was not finished. "Oh, yes, Remus. You were wrong about me! Finally made a mistake, misjudged someone. I'm a pureblood bastard through and through. Out to get anyone that's not just like me. Sorting Hat must have made a mistake, everyone's made a mistake. You all thought I was different, didn't you? But I'm just like them all, we're all the same…"

And with that, Sirius stopped. His eyes had glazed over; he was shaking with a roaring combination of fury and self-loathing. Remus was quiet for a few long moments, weighing his words. His amber eyes rested on the boy who stood before him, and it was as if he was weighing Sirius too.

Finally, Remus spoke, "No, Sirius. I don't think I was wrong." And then he fell silent once again.

"That's it, then? You're right, I'm wrong?"

"Well, yes. Come on, Sirius, I know you. I saw the way Severus Snape looked at you when we were getting on the train. And you've had plenty of opportunities to do away with us of bad blood, even though that's beside the point. I'm guessing that something happened over the holidays, and you had to appease your family with some pureblood talk."

Remus knew he was right by the way Sirius' sneer crumpled. Unlike Sirius, Remus was able to conceal his raging emotions behind a calm mask. He knew that if Sirius sensed the fear that was causing Remus' heart to beat so speedily Sirius would flee. And Remus also knew that years of friendship out to stretch before the four Gryffindors, and he would be damned if he let that slip away so easily.

Wise beyond his years, Remus continued, "Sirius, what you say to your parents, that doesn't matter to me. I know that things aren't exactly ideal in your home, although neither I, nor James, nor Peter know just how bad it is since you won't open up to us. And that's your choice, sure, but it would be so much easier if you just talked to us. If you'd told us about this on the train, James would have had a good laugh over the whole thing. I don't know exactly how to put this, Sirius, but what you say to your parents is a lie. It's your actions and your speech here at school that matters. You're never going to be able to say what you mean at home, and you know that."

"But that's not the way it should be," Sirius said quietly. He wanted to accept the pardon he was being offered by Remus, but he knew that he could not. "A true Gryffindor would have stood up to them. I shouldn't have agreed with what they said."

"Maybe not," Remus said fairly. "But you're young. You have plenty of time to prove them wrong. But right now what you've got to do is go find James and Peter, and we have to sit down and talk. You owe us an explanation, Sirius."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "But how about I finish that essay first, I've got nine rolls to go…"

Remus knew that Sirius was dodging the proposed conversation and that irritated the normally implacable boy just a little. It was tiresome, dealing with Sirius' mood swings and fits of rage, but Remus knew that Sirius was capable of so much. He just needed someone who believed in his good nature, and Remus supposed that it would be he that waited out the storm as Sirius sorted out his place in the world.

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Tuesday, January 9

Didn't get any sleep last night, finishing that blasted essay. Barely got it done, actually, and I only finished because Remus stayed up with me. I can't believe he did that, after I messed things up so expertly. I can still hear myself spitting out the warped story of my holiday. I did what he wanted and told Peter and James. Peter's so trusting, and I'm not sure if he really got the extremeness of what I was saying, of what I did. James was rightfully pissed, but I think it was more because I thought I had to keep it from him. He caught my arm as I was heading down to breakfast this morning, and held me up so that Peter and Remus got a little further ahead. He talked quickly, and what he said sounded rehearsed but still sincere.

"Look, I know that we've had a hell of a year so far, but you understand that we're friends through it all, right? I mean I know that it's not going to be a picnic, what with your family, and mine I suppose, but that doesn't matter. You can't keep everything inside, Sirius, it's not healthy. You've got to talk to us sometimes, and not just write everything down."

We headed to breakfast in silence, and I thought over what he'd said. I mean, James still doesn't get what it's like, being from the Black family, and neither do Remus or Peter. But I can't blame them for not understanding, since I haven't exactly been a fount of information. So I'm going to try to forget it all, and pretend that everything's normal at home and such. The Black family does not exist inside this school, and I'm done complaining about how the guys don't get what it's like. Maybe that's not what James and Remus meant by "opening up" (in fact, I know it's not) but that's the way it's going to be, at least until I can get to know them a bit better. It feels like we've been friends forever, but something in me just keeps me from talking to them like they talk to me- I can't be "open."

And as for Snape…Well, I'll just have to count on him not having much influence outside of Slytherin, or in it for that matter. Maybe no one will pay attention to the little git. And I'll just have to figure out some way to shut him up…

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