Warning: Angst ahead.
Spoilers for Threads and Moebius I and II; Beneath the Surface mentioned.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. Previous:
Chapter 2
The Regs were the first thing Sam made clear. No return to present day, so no longer did she feel she had to obey his orders. Jack took that hard. In eight years, she had never been so outspoken with him. Not only did he feel she didn't love him, but she no longer seemed to respect him. That was the hardest for him. He had always thought she respected him as a soldier, an officer and also a friend. God, how could he have misjudged her all these years. She really had hidden her feelings well.
At present all she seemed to hold for him was anger. From the time they had landed in this God-forsaken time, she had been mad at him. For the life of him, he didn't understand why; other than it was his fault they were here. His command, his decision.
Other than try to agree with her and pacify her he had been no different from the General at the SGC. But she always took every thing he said wrong, and they would end up screaming at each other.
Both Daniel and Teal'c knew what was going on with them. It was plain that they were so in love and neither of them had the sense to see it. Daniel decided to give them some privacy to see if they could work out this thing between them. He made arrangements with Katep to purchase a separate tent for Teal'c and himself. He had given Katep his personal handgun.
It was really no use to him. When the last bullets were fired, it would have absolutely no value. But it amused Katep, and Daniel told him that possibly Jack and Sam would stop the fighting if they could be alone. That gave Katep great incentive. Katep and the entire tribe were beginning to lose patience with the constant loud voices when trying to sleep.
Jack was suddenly brought back from his thoughts, when Sam turned away from him.
"Sam, don't cry. Please?" Sam?"
"I can"t stop, Jack. I don't know why I cry so much. Just don't leave me. I need you here." She had turned back to face him. She was actually looking at his eyes. Something she hadn't done in a long time. "Please, Jack?" she begged with tears streaming down her face.
Jack did something he hadn't done since her father's wake. "C'mere," he said, hugging her as tight at he could. Daniel touched Teal'c arm and motioned for them to leave. Teal'c being Teal'c, grabbed most of the leftover food and they left the tent.
Jack said nothing else for a long time. It seemed they stood just holding on to each other for an hour or more. The sun had just set before they had returned to their tent. So it wasn't too late; but the tribe all turned in pretty early.
Everyone would be awake with the sun ready to go about assigned tasks. Eventually Jack's knees began to hurt. He hated to move. He hadn't been able to hold her this long since he was Jonah. He had forgotten just how good she felt pressed to his body. He held her tight, rubbing his hand across the top of her back. He dared not go any lower, he didn't want to upset or frighten her. He wanted to hold her as long as he could. He was satisfied just to have her wrapped in his arms. Sam had stopped crying a long time ago. She had even stopped snubbing.
Jack's task of the day had been to help tear down all the tents and load them on the camels. They were moving on toward the water. The kitchen tent had been the first to be moved. They only moved a couple of miles at a time and it would take several weeks to get to the river. Some sort of livestock was needed to carry everything. Livestock was in short supply. They only had four large travel bins, so all supply and foodstuffs were moved first. That meant the women and several of the men had to walk about a mile to set up the Kitchen tent.
Sam had been with the first group. She, Ketra and several of the women who worked in the kitchen had stayed all day to prepare the day's nourishments. Jack had made three trips to the kitchen tent, including the one to pick up Sam just before sundown. Plus, he had worked all day moving tent materials, and packing them on the camel caravan.
Sam felt him stop moving his hand across her back. Moving her face from his neck, she looked at his face. He looked so tried and sad. God, what was she doing? All it seemed she thought about was herself. "God, Jack, you must be worn out." Her voice still sounded weak as she moved out of his arms.
"No, Sam, don"t leave."
"I'm not Jack, just come on, sit down." She fluffed up the pillows as much as she could. They were stuffed with feathers. Not the softest she had ever lain on, but much better than the ground. He followed her. He took her hand, not wanting to lose the physical contact their had shared.
"Jack, don't you want something to eat, or drink before bedtime?"
"No. Sam, please don't move away. If you do, you know this will be over." He watched her, trying to make contact with her eyes. she tried to look away from him. He reached out and held her chin, making her look back at him. "Sam, please, don't leave me," Jack almost whispered.
"I'm not," she promised.
"I mean emotionally. I know you are here physically, but please just sit down and ... just c'mere."
"I, uh, I uh, Jack," she didn't know how to react to him. She wanted nothing more than to feel his arms wrapped around her. She was scared and unsure of his feelings. She didn't move toward him.
"Sam, don't you know how much I love you. Please.. Baby. I know you miss him, but you can't have him anymore. You know we can't go back. You're the genius who keeps telling us that. Can't we just pretend to care about each other until ...," he trailed off.
Sam hadn't heard anything past the first words. Love her? Love her! Was he crazy? She knew he still loved Kerry. She knew how much he missed Kerry. She had heard him dreaming, screaming out, "No, Kerry, don't go." What did he think she was, someone to sleep with because he couldn't have Kerry?
She had known almost from the beginning that Jack O'Neill was a very sexual and experienced man. Hell, she had been the recipient of this man's loving on the Ice Planet. He had almost spoiled her for other men. Not only did she love him with all her heart; but boy, did he know how to make her body sing! Her memory was so vivid she still could feel it.
Sam looked at Jack long and hard. What was he thinking? His eyes usually didn't give him away. He could hide so well behind his military mask, for once she didn't think he was completely hidden. "Until what Jack? ... Until we. ... What, Jack?" . Do you know you just said you love me, Jack? Do you know you only said that two other times? What do you mean, "Until what???" she asked, as her voice grew louder.
"Sam, I do. I love you. I always have. I just couldn't interfere in your life. It would have destroyed your career." He paused for a minute or two, watching her. "I know you love Pete very much. I know how much you miss him."
"Destroyed my career?" She paused, then asked, "How do you know I love Pete? Did you ever ask? How do you know I miss him? You never asked me that!!" She stared him down, daring him to look away. "Are you just projecting your feeling for Kerry to me? You miss her, so you just assume I miss Pete?" Her voice was getting louder as she jerked away from him, and walked around the tent with her back to him.
"Sam, no. I don't."
She interrupted him, "Don't what," she almost screamed at him.
"Don't love her, never did. She was just...," he said quietly as he hesitated for the right words. It was just so difficult for him. How could he explain what he had felt for Kerry? He wasn't sure himself.
"Just what Jack? She was just what?" ... She stared into his eyes and waited for him to answer. He didn't.
After a long pause, Sam continued, "As for my career. ... My CAREER! was always just an excuse for you. You knew how much I loved you," her eyes were on fire. "Hell I told you... Over and over." The last sentence was spoken low and painfully.
"When Sam, when did you tell me?" At this she glared at him from across the tent. She started to walk out; but he was much faster. He was on his feet and had her in a bear hug before she was three steps away. "No, that is what you always do. You run away from me."
"Not always, Jack. Not when I showed you his ring," her voice was low and sad almost dreamy.
"Okay.. Okay.. I ..., uh.. Okay ..., I ran that time..." He paused a second again trying for the right words. "Sam, it had been so long. I didn't think you felt anything for me. I thought you didn't cared... I thought you loved him." His voice was filled with pain. His face was almost buried in her neck. If only he knew what his breath on her neck was doing to her.
He had been on edge with her for the six months they had been here. He had been so angry at her for the "Pete" thing even before they left 2005. He was so jealous. Now, all of a sudden, his anger was gone. Just holding Sam, having her touching him, filled him with so much love for her. How could he have been so mad? What difference did it make if she loved him or not? He had always loved her. She was air to him, a necessity for him to live. How could he have blamed it all on her?
"Jack?" She raised her head and looked at him again. Questioning him as she always did with only her eyes. She could read what was there. She knew. "I wanted you to stop me. I wanted you to just love me, like Jonah had, Jack." Her voice was so low, so hushed. So husky? Was he hearing right? No, he couldn"t be!! Wanted him to love her? Like Jonah? God, could he have been so dumb?
"Jack, as far as my career, I would've given it up. Anytime,if you'd asked. If you'd wanted me as much as I wanted you." She paused again, her eyes targeted on his, begging for a response. "I loved you Jack; but after we came back from the Ice Planet, you stopped caring about me." Tears filled her eyes, but did not fall.
"Even with Orlin, you never cared what he did to me. You didn"t believe me, did you? Did you even know he was staying with me? Sleeping with me? Did you Jack?" she paused a few moments as if she were held in the past.
"Did you know I would've gone with him? ... If he'd lived?" It seemed all you wanted was to get away from me," Sam's voice was low and filled with choking tears.
Well, he certainly hadn't expected that much honesty. Sleeping with Orlin? How the hell did that work? "What? Wait!.. Sleeping with Orlin?" You mean the glowy man? Right? How did that work? Hell No! I didn't know. Do you think I'd have let him stay? Damn! Sam."
"No, Jack. Don't lie to me. You knew he was there. You even asked if I had a date. Remember?" She looked into his eyes, the same eyes she still dreamed about almost every night. Jonah's eyes. The way Jonah had looked at her, all dreamy, filled with desire and love. That's what she saw now, only mixed with hurt.
"A date, Sam. Not a damn sleepover. Not sleeping with him," pain evident in Jack's voice.
"Jack, just because you stopped finding me attractive, stopped wanting me, didn't mean everyone did," she was hurt now. Pain she had kept hidden inside all those years evident in her face and voice.
Jack could hear Daniel's voice after the Ice Planet and the Orlin incidents, 'Sam loves you Jack, but she doesn't trust your love. You deserted her when she needed you most, I just hope you haven't lost her.' Daniel knew what happened while they were marooned on the Ice Planet. Jack had been so jealous of Sam and Orlin, he had not defended her. She thought she had lost not only his love, but his trust.
Jack didn't even offer to help her clean up her house after the SF's had destroyed it. He also kept his distance from her for a long time after that. Daniel had tried to let Jack know how hurt Sam was over the whole thing, especially the part about her team deserting her.
Jack hadn't listened. He just shoved his feelings about Orlin into the room and slammed the door, never looking back. It hurt too much to admit that Sam could have had feelings for someone else.
When Daniel died, and she'd tried to talk to him, he refused to even try to comfort her. He still couldn't stand the thoughts of her with someone else.
"Is that what you thought? I didn't find you desirable, attractive? That I didn't want to touch you? Didn't want to make love to you? Oh, God, Sam. That is so wrong! How could you think that!?" Jack looked at her, really looked at her. Yeah, she could and did believe it. Why wouldn't she. Not once had he acted like he wanted her since then. Not once had he acted like she turned him on. Not once since they returned from Ice Planet all those years ago.
Yeah, he had shown affection for her, was concerned for her, kidded around some, though not nearly like it was before all their feelings were exposed.
Hell, Daniel loved her, and acted much more affectionate with her than he ever did. Even Teal'c was known to hug her, embrace her, offer her comfort.
Only once since the Ice Planet had he touched Sam. Once. When Janet died. God, no wonder she needed Orlin, needed what Pete offered. No wonder she felt Pete was her last hope for a real life. He told her often enough in the last two or three years to 'get a life.' He just never thought she would without him. Talk about being dense and closed off.
Was he really so old and out of time that he'd think she would wait, with absolutely no initiative on his part? Not even extended friendship. He remembered very well how many times she'd said she loved him. Every time they'd made love on that Ice Planet. Even when she didn't said the words, it was written on her face. Even he couldn't miss it. He had just chosen to ignore it.
He had stopped most of the Team Nights after Ice Planet. He was so afraid of his feelings for her; he didn't trust himself to be alone with her, not even with Daniel and Teal'c along.
Yeah, he had convinced himself he didn't love her as much as he did. He had even stopped asking her to 'go fishing' until her father died and he felt she needed to get away. He had insured they wouldn't be alone by bringing the guys.
When he thought about it, he had a lot more one nighters after the Ice Planet too. He had tried so hard to wash her memory away.
Watching his inward reflection, she knew what he was thinking. She knew. She even tried to let him off the hook. "Jack, it wasn't all your fault. I let you leave me. I was afraid, too. I made the choice to leave it in the room. I just didn't think you would completely stop loving me," she choked out.
Jack grabbed her, hugging her for all he was worth. His lips came down so hard on hers, she knew they would be bruised. He kissed her as passionately as she had ever been kissed in her life. She didn't respond at first, so aware of his body press tight against hers and the suddenness of his actions.
But Sam loved Jack -- more than life itself. She couldn't stop herself. She opened her mouth. He wasted no time, slipping in his tongue, exploring her mouth as never before. They broke apart, gasping for breath. Both had been choking back tears before he kissed her, now neither could breathe.
"Jack?"
He interrupted, "I'm so sorry Sam, please forgive me?"
"For what Jack?" Her eyes were a dark blue. Bluer than he had ever seen.
"For everything. Most of all for deserting you after the Ice Planet," Jack's voice was low and sorrowful. She kissed him gently bringing her lips to his, pulling him closer, her hands around his neck. "It's okay, Jack. It was difficult for us both."
"No Sam, it is not okay. I almost destroyed us both. How can you forgive me? I treated you no better than a one night stand." Tears were streaming down his face. God, Sam. I loved you so much I couldn't stand not to touch you. I ..., Uh...," Jack was sobbing so hard, he couldn't get the words out.
Sam pulled him into an embrace, then lead him to the pillows. She held him and this time he cried too. Their tears wouldn't stop. They were cleansing tears. Tears of repentance, past sorrow and regret making it's way out of them. Tears for their lost love affair. Tears for all the pain he had caused her and she had caused him.
Tears for the unnecessary pain they had caused others. After, though it seemed like hours, it was only several minutes, they lay down on the bedding and held each other, as close as possible. Breathing each other's air, feeling like one.
TBC
Chapter End Notes:
Any and all comments are most appreciated. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Disclaimer: All recognizable information, characters and images belong to MGM, World Gekko Corporation and Double Secret Productions. Written for entertainment only. No infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.