Threads and Moebius spoilers, mentions of Beneath the Surface.
Chapter Three
Sam awoke to the morning sun shining through the tent door. She looked for Jack, but didn't see him. She got up and started her morning rituals. She gathered the water bowl, her toothbrush, soap and a clean cloth. They had long since used up their own supplies.
She missed the toothpaste the most. Jack had given her his, but it was long gone too. She used her toothbrush with the local's soap to clean her mouth. The taste was awful, but her mouth felt clean. It made her think she was accomplishing something.
Daniel poked his head through the tent. "You ready, Sam?" She looked up at Daniel. She loved Daniel, sometimes more than Jack, but in a different way entirely. He was smiling at her. She could always count on him. He always understood her moods, what she needed, when she needed it. Especially hugs. She smiled back. Many the times she had wished it were Daniel who owned her heart.
"You and Jack okay?"
"Yeah. I guess." She looked at him, wondering just how much Daniel knew about their complicated relationship. "Where is he anyway"
"He said to tell you he was really sorry. He had to leave before you got up. He sent me to go with you to wash up." Daniel said, watching Sam's reaction.
"Running from me, is he?" She asked, almost too quietly for Daniel to hear.
"No, they had to leave early to get a head start on taking down the rest of the tents." Daniel stated. "Why would he run from you, Sam?"
"I really didn't mean to say that out loud."
"Oh?" Daniel inquired, hoping she would talk to him.
She look through the door at Daniel, then moved to exit, "I'm ready to go. You coming? What's on your agenda today, Daniel?" Daniel realized that subject was closed.
"Same as yesterday, taking down tents," he answered as they walked.
"Don't you get tired doing nothing but manual labor, Daniel?" She knew he did; but he also loved living in this culture. It was one of his dreams, really experiencing a dead society first hand.
"Of course I do." He glanced at her out the corner of his eye. He knew it was really her feelings she had expressed. He hated the fact she was so depressed. It made him feel more guilt.
"We should finish tomorrow." He paused a minute.
"Jack didn't want you walking all the way to the Kitchen Tent alone. You know how he hates the others looking at you." He hoped he could steer her back to the subject of 'them.'
She knew. She hated it too and was really glad one of them was always with her. One of the things she hated most was her loss of independence. After they had buried the Jumper and the ZPM, she had tried to rally the women to get them to stand up for themselves. She soon realized that was not the thing to do. She had no idea what it would do for the time line.
So she had sulked and became more angry each day with all her uncertainty about her feelings for Jack, her loss of self esteem and feelings of uselessness. Sam had become more and more depressed. Until yesterday. The anger seemed to be less on the surface today. Maybe, just maybe? Daniel had worried for Sam's welfare more than himself or the others.
"Penny for them?" he asked, as he watched the emotions play across her face.
"It's really nothing' just remembering how things were."
"When, six months ago, two days ago, or 5000 year into the future?"
Sam chose not to answer him. They were coming to the washing area. Water was so scarce here. They had set up a tent to house the water supplies they had.
Sam took a small amount of water in her cup and wet her cloth, rubbed soap into it and washed across her face and hands. She dipped her toothbrush into her cup quickly, brushed her toothbrush across the soap and across her teeth. She rinsed her mouth and spit out the water. She hated the unsanitary conditions of this place more than the status of women. God how she would love a good hot bath! She didn't think she had ever been dirtier in her life.
If only she could go back to the briefing room when she had made the decision to come here! No use in thinking about that now. She had work to do. She finished her morning cleansing routine and filled her water pouch with her daily rations and left for the Kitchen Tent. "Bye, Daniel, thanks for walking with me."
"Anytime, Sam, have a good day," he said as he walked away. Sam seemed slightly happier today, but he still worried about her. She had smiled a little half smile at him. Daniel couldn't remember when a smile had really light her face with one of her 'Sam Smiles.'
"Morning Sam." Ketra spoke as Sam entered the Kitchen Tent. "The stones are heating already." They made sort of a flat bread, using ground wheat made into a course flour mixed with goats milk or water.
Sam's task was to make the bread. It would take all morning to make enough for the noon meal. It would take the afternoon to make enough for the night and morning meals. They made enough in the afternoon to have with milk or water for breakfast.
Each person would break off a piece and grab a cup of drink before going off to complete their task. There were about 100 adults and children in their tribe. It was a large tribe. Most of the males were blood related.
As she worked on kneading the dough, Sam's thoughts kept going back to last night with Jack. She couldn't remember ever feeling so close to him. They had dropped off to sleep clinging to each other and snuggled close all night. She just wished Jack had waked her this morning. She still was unclear of his feelings for her.
She remembered what he had said, almost repeating the scenes from last night over and over in her mind. He never kissed her again after they had lain down. True he wouldn't let her leave his embrace all night. It seemed she was holding onto a lifeline to keep from drowning. She was a little more relaxed today. Her stomach didn't have quite as many knots today.
Ketra noticed Sam's turmoil, and said little to her all day. She felt something had changed with Sam. She suspected it had something to do with that mate of hers. She was very wise in the ways of women, which was the reason she became the leader of the women in her tribe.
Ketra was a wonderful mother and loved mothering all the women and children. She felt as if they were hers. She had a warm and loving heart and knew when to help and when to let someone alone. She had made Sam her personal project. She really felt sorry for the misplaced, beautiful and independent woman.
Ketra didn't really know the changes that Sam had make in her life style; but she knew they were drastic. She and Sam had talked as much as Sam could about her past life. Ketra knew enough to know Sam's temperament was due to more than her unspoken feelings for Jack. Strangely, Sam was always pleasant and relaxed with her. Sam was able to be more of her old self with Ketra. Ketra's nurturing personality made her think of Janet.
She wasn't as sullen or sad in the Kitchen. It was the only place in her new life that she felt she was useful. The simple task of preparing the dough, heating the stones to bake the bread and maintaining the fires to ensure the bread didn't burn, kept her mind completely occupied with little time to brood. At the end of the day she was usually so tired, she would fall asleep even before Teal'c and Daniel left for their own tent.
As the day moved on, Sam found herself more anxious. Jack hadn't come in for the noon meal. Sometimes the men were unable to get back. They cared rations of dried meat or fish and day old bread when they were working too far from the Kitchen Tent. They would be starved with they did come in. All the men ate first, then the children. The women could eat or take they rations back to their tent. Most would take a few bites and then pack a small amount to take back to the private tents. The leftovers that wouldn't keep were divided into lots for them to share with others. Like Sam, most women shared more than half of their own rations with their families.
Jack had finished eating and made his daily trip to the washing tent with the other men, then waited for Sam. He stood as usual, waiting. As she left the Kitchen, and came into view this time she gazed straight into his eyes. She always knew when he was there. She smiled a half smile at Jack and entered the washing tent where several women and children had gathered.
Jack felt his heart race. Sam had actually smiled at him. Well, almost smiled. But it was a good sign. More than he was usually given. He waited for her to come out, then they walked toward their tent.
"I'm sorry I had to leave this morning."
"Daniel explained." She replied.
Jack watched her out of the corner of his eye as they walked to their tent. He didn't know what to say or how to bring up last night. They walked in a strained silence. Both needing to talk but neither could come up with the right words.
Their tent had been moved within a few minutes of the Washing tent. Jack waited for her to enter their tent. He watched as she removed her outer garment. The weather was hot and very windy. Sand had a way of getting everywhere. They always wore outer clothing when walking outside to help prevent the sand from tormenting their skin.
Sam had long since used all her lotions and cosmetics she had brought. It wasn't usual for her to go on a mission with such personal items, but she had brought a lot with her on this one.
They had more room on the Jumper than could be carried in a backpack. She had packed a lot of sunscreen and other moisturizers. Most were gone now. Only the sunscreen remained in plentiful supply. None of the guys, not even Daniel, dared use it. Sam's skin was like alabaster and would burn so easily. She used a small amount across her face on a daily basis. It was enough to keep her from burning in this scorching summer heat.
After removing his outer garment, Jack moved closer to Sam. She had put water from her pouch into small bowl and was preparing to clean her face. As she washed off the residue from their walk, and the remainder of the sunscreen, Jack stared at her. Sam began to feel nervous. She knew their conversation from last night was not over. She just hoped he would start it. She didn't know if she could.
"Sam?" She looked up as he spoke her name. It sounded different somehow. His eyes held hers. She could see he was as lost for words as she. So they just stared at each other. Their eyes were speaking different words tonight, than they had since they had been here.
"Sam, after the guys leave, you think we could talk a little more tonight? .. I uh I really think we should. But .. If ... you don't want."
"It's fine Jack," Sam interrupted. "We need to talk. I still have some question concerning Kerry."
"Kerry?" Jack lost the stargazed look. His eyes seemed to reflect his uncertainty.
"Yes, Jack, Kerry." She held his eyes. She waited a minute before she continued. I need to know why do you always dream about her?" Sam watched his face. She knew well Jack's struggle to talk about his feelings for Kerry with her.
Jack turned his back. He couldn't look at Sam. How could he tell her what Kerry had meant to him? How could he put into words something he barely understood himself.
Sam waited. And waited.
As usual, Danielss timing was impeccable. He and Teal'c came through the door. He immediately noticed the tension. "Uh, guys. Bad time?"
"No, Daniel. Hey Teal'c," Sam was quick to replied. She wanted to hug Daniel. She didn't know what she would have said if they hadn't come in just now. Jack's sudden response stopped her cold.
"Yes, Daniel,it is. Could you guys give us a little time? Please."
Sam turned her head to look at Jack. What was he thinking? Was she ready for this conversation to continue. Last night had been hard enough. Did she have the right to ask Jack about his feelings for Kerry? She was engaged to another man when he was with Kerry. Did she really want to know?
She just couldn't shake the image of him dreaming about this woman, calling out to Kerry at night. Jack had never waked her calling her name. What was she to think? Could she ever trust this man completely with her heart if she didn't understand what he truly felt for her?
She didn't think so. She knew in her heart she would never be able to move on with Jack until she did. Was she willing to explain her feelings for Pete to Jack? What would he think of her if she told him the truth? What could she say? 'I really liked the sex. I really liked him holding me.'
It was obvious even to her, that was most of it. How could she tell Jack that? Should she? Should she asked about Kerry? Really? 'God, Daniel please don't leave us alone yet.' Sam was trying to send out a mental message.
Teal'c answered for them both. "Indeed, we will take the leftover food and go, DanielJackson." Teal'c stated, looking at Daniel not giving him time to comment. Teal'c took the wrapped foodstuff and ushered Daniel out.
"Jack, you don't have to answer that. I have no right to ask you about Kerry."
"Sam, yes you do. You can ask me anything from now on. I want us to start over. I want you to be comfortable with me. I'll be as honest as I can with you. But, you gotta know how hard it is for me to explain things. .. I want to. I'm just not sure I can say the right words." Jack looked at her straight forward. The next thing he said really shocked her.
"I never really loved her, Sam. She was .. sort .. ..of . a substitute for you. Someone to take my mind off you and him. I never felt so alone as the day Daniel told me you had decided to marry him. I .. uh .. I guess I didn't think you would."
Sam waited for him to continue. He didn't.
His eyes filled with tears and he just stared at her. She moved toward him, reaching out to him before she got to him. She lifted her arms around his neck, looking into his eyes, speaking low and soft.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you." She hesitated a second. "He was definitely a substitute for you. Only thing I need to know, is why you still dream of her? I won't ask anything else about her. I need to know that. Jack, is she mportant now? Why are you still dreaming of her after all this time?"
He kissed her. He couldn't help himself. Softly, tenderly expressing all the love he felt for her. Lips on lips, moving tenderly. Then he looked at her, with more emotion than she thought him capable.
"It was the sex, Sam. I -- uh .. I cared for her. She saved me from myself. Gave me something to look forward to. I guess ... I .. guess I miss her. I miss holding her. Her loving me. Making love. I miss the human contact."
Jack's face crumbled and tears ran down his face. What was he becoming? An emotional wreck? What was with all this damn crying? "But, every time I .. made love .. to her, I thought about ..you. Thera, actually. You in .. Pete's bed. I tried. Sam .. really .. tried to forget ..you. The way you felt ..in my .. arms. ..the way .. You.. . Oh! God! Sam! Is that enough? .. I know what the dreams are about .. I .. remember .. dreaming about ... her .. needing to feel like a man." He stopped to catch his breathe.
"It's all my fault we're here. I guess I needed her memory to cope -- with the guilt I felt for destroying our lives coming here."
Jack moved to turn away, but she grabbed his shoulders with both arms thrown around his neck and stopped him. "It Okay. Jack. God. What did I do to us? Please Jack. Look at me. Please."
"No, Sam, it wasn't your fault. I told you last night. I .."
"Jack, I love you so much. Can we just move on from all this and see what happens with us? Do you want to start from here with me. Jack? Cause I sure want you. Jack, ... I understand about the human contact and the need for sex, someone to hold you, love you."
"It was what I loved about Pete," she continued. "I was never in love, but I needed him .. I loved him. You are the only man I'm in love with. I've always been In Love with you Jack ... Even before Thera .. Please Jack, make love to me."
He was so lost in her eyes. They were filled with tears, bright, shining, so filled with love and desire. He couldn't believe he was looking at Sam. After months of distancing each other, arguing and being so mad, all he saw was love.
Thera's eyes. Jack never thought he would see those eyes again. God how he loved this woman. He hated being here as much as she did; but if it meant he could be with Sam and Pete was out of her life, then this was a great place.
He kissed her passionately. She responded completely to his embrace, to his kiss, their tongues fighting for dominance.
Jack lead Sam to the bedding, taking off his clothes, watching as Sam did the same. God she was so beautiful. Even though she had lost a lot of weight here. Sam was still the most beautiful woman Jack had ever since. They got into the bedding without taking their eyes from one another.
"Sam, you are so beautiful. I want you more than I have ever wanted any woman," he said as he covered her body with kisses and reached again for her lips. Looking up from her lips, Jack eyes betrayed everything he was feeling. No longer could he hide behind his military mask, or his anger.
He loved this woman more than life itself. Everything he felt was in his eyes. Suddenly he didn't care if she had loved someone else. Chosen to marry that someone. Meant to live happy ever after with that someone else.
He didn't care if tomorrow was their last day to live. He only knew she was his, here, tonight. What else could possibly matter?
Before he could stop the words, they forced themselves from his mouth. "Sam, marry me?"
TBC Chapter End Notes:
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