Disclaimer: If we owned GA we would know if Derek is okay on tonight's episode or not. Instead we're stuck worrying. Happy Grey's Day!!
In the two days since Dillon fell out of the tree in his backyard, his cast has become covered in signatures. It had started innocently enough, Callie had been the first to sign it, then Meredith, and then me. Now, as he holds his cast out for me to examine, there isn't a single space on the entire cast. I can't help but smile as he talks about everyone who has signed his cast, right down to the janitor at the hospital. We had finally gotten on the fishing trip that I had promised him. The timing couldn't have been better. Meredith was fine, at least that's what she kept saying, even though I knew better than to actually believe her, but getting Dillon out of the house was good. Especially spending a day alone with him, our first day alone. This morning Dillon had bounded down the stairs when I picked him up, and yet I think I was more excited.
Meredith had given me a light kiss on the cheek as we were leaving, Dillon talking animatedly about all the fish he was going to get. We were only ten minutes into the trip, so he wasn't bored yet. I knew it was coming, but I couldn't help but enjoy this time with him. I couldn't imagine ever cancelling on him, ever leaving him. He was the little boy I had always wanted. And I was his friend.
I thought about telling him to calm down a bit, knowing that once we got to fishing all this chatter would keep the fish away. It usually annoyed me when people talked while fishing with me. But I couldn't imagine telling him to stop talking, he was so excited about it, so happy to be fishing with me. I couldn't bring myself to keep him quiet. This was more important than how many fish we caught.
"...And then Phil told me that he braked his finger once. I told him my whole arm was braked! And he didn't even have a blue finger, like I have a blue arm. So I called him stupid and mommy got angry at me. But he was being stupid, wasn't he, Derek?"
"I'm not going to answer that," I said wanting to agree, but terrified to. Because if Dillon told Meredith I said Phil was being stupid, I don't think Meredith would be very happy with me.
He laughed and said, "That means yes. That's like when my daddy says, mommy says I shouldn't have ice cream. That means, but I say so. And that means it's a secret."
Daddy. I silently seethed at just the reference. Lucas was a complete ass, I wanted to punch him the other day, and if Dillon hadn't been around I would have. He had Meredith so upset. And he couldn't take Dillon away from us, even if he Dillon apparently liked him. "You and your daddy get along well?" I asked him casually.
"Yep," Dillon nodded. "He tucks me in and reads me stories, and sometimes, I read him stories. And when Mommy had her ppendis out, I stayed with daddy for a whole week and he played games with me and we went out for ice cream and we had loads of fun."
That didn't even sound like Lucas, Lucas who cancelled on Meredith and Dillon, Lucas who threatened to take Dillon away from us. "So he's a good dad?"
"He's the best daddy," Dillon nodded. "Cept when he has to surgeon. And then I can't stay with him. But after he's done surgeoning, he calls me on the phone at mommy's house and asks me to read him a story. He's the best daddy in the whole world."
"I'm glad, bud," I said, looking at him and happy to see the smile on his face. It didn't change my mind about the man, he had hurt Meredith. But it was good to know that he was at least a good father to Dillon.
"You know when else he's not a good daddy?" Dillon apparently wanted to continue the conversation. And I was okay with that. I needed to find out more about Lucas.
"When?" I asked, a little worried at the answer.
"When he calls me Dill pickle," Dillon scrunched up his face. "That's what he wrote on my blue arm, see."
I laughed slightly and scrunched up my face in the same way. "Dill pickle? I think bud suits you much better."
"Me too," he nodded. "Derek, will my daddy be mad that you're my friend?"
Ah, one of those times that I definitely wish Meredith was here to dodge this question. Because that answer was complicated and not really something that Dillon needed to hear at all. I wanted to be honest, but knew I couldn't be. "He has no reason to be. He's your dad and I'm just your friend," I said, giving him the best answer I could.
"Tommy at school said when his mommy and daddy fought, his daddy left and he got a new daddy," Dillon sighed, staring out into the water. "And I heard Mommy and daddy fighting."
Dillon never asked complicated questions when Meredith was around, this was just my luck. "Mommy and daddy's fight sometimes, bud. And sometimes some kids get new daddies, but they never loose their first one. Your daddy will always be your daddy, no matter what happens with him and your mom."
"Will you be my new daddy?" he looked up at me, a smile spreading across his small face. "Tommy at school said his new daddy was his mommy's boyfriend. And you're my mommy's boyfriend. So that means you're my new daddy."
My heart tightened slightly at the thought, because truthfully I wanted to be his daddy. I honestly wanted to be his daddy. I cleared my throat hoping that my emotions didn't come through too much. "Maybe. What do you think of that?"
He shrugged. "You're a good daddy too. And mommy likes you. But you have to promise not to fight with mommy. Because then I'd have three daddies. And two is a lot anyway."
I laughed. "Bud, I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with just the two dads."
He nodded and then looked up at me, his blue eyes shining with happiness but then suddenly turning serious. "Derek?"
"Yes?" I asked, just as seriously.
"Do you love my mommy?"
That was an easy question, finally a blessedly easy question. "Yes, I love your mommy very much."
He sighed and then said, "Do you want to marry my mommy?"
"Actually, that's something I definitely want to talk to you about, but Dillon, you can't repeat a word of this conversation to your mommy. It's our secret for life or longer," I said, looking at him.
"Life or longer," he repeated. "Should I cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye?"
"Might be a good idea," I nodded back.
"Okay," he nodded and then crossed his heart with his fingers.
"I love your mommy a lot. And I love you a lot too. And I want to spend the rest of my life with both of you. But before I make any plans, I need to talk to you. Because you, bud, are the most important person in your mommy's life. So I need permission. Dillon, is it okay if I date your mommy?" I asked him.
He looked at me very seriously, his eyes scrunched up as he thought for a few minutes. "You can't ever hurt her," he said slowly. "Ever. You can't pull her hair. Or make her cry. Or steal the last cookie. And you always have to let her have the last pudding cup."
"I promise I will never do anything to hurt her. And she can always have the last pudding cup," I told him smiling at the trivial stuff he made me promise, when really I would have promised him anything.
"Pinky swear," he said, holding out his uninjured arm.
I reached over and linked my finger with his. "Pinky swear."
"Okay," he nodded resolutely. "You can date my mommy. But you can't ever leave us. Ever."
"Dillon, I will never, ever leave either of you. Ever. I'm going to marry her, bud. You're stuck with me forever," I told him seriously.
"Good," he smiled and then stared at his fishing pole for a few minutes before turning back to me. "Derek."
"Yes, bud?" I asked him, amused by all of his questions.
"I'm really bored," he sighed. "Where are the fishies?"
"Fishies tend not to come if we talk a lot, and we've been talking a lot," I explained.
"Okay," he said very seriously. "We can't talk anymore. Because I told mommy I'd catch her a fish."
"Okay," I nodded letting silence fall between us. I looked over at him a few minutes later to find him staring intently at the water, as if he was willing for a fish to come along. And for his sake I hoped it would. I didn't want Dillon disappointed with his first fishing trip. Especially not when he was so intent on catching a fish for Meredith.
He started humming and then turned to stare at me, his eyes wide. "Oops, sorry," he whispered and I bit back a laugh. He looked so much like Meredith, and had so many of her habits, that it was impossible to believe that Lucas was his father. And right now, as I watched him stare at the water, I realized that I couldn't wait to be Dillon's daddy. Because even though he had Lucas, he needed me. And I needed him. My life since I had finished med school had become something ever so slightly empty. I filled it with work but still it was empty. All I had was my family dinners on Sundays. But now I had this, I had my own family. Meredith was it for me, she filled my life so much. But Dillon was a whole other part, he filled a hole I hadn't even quite understood existed. I had always wanted kids, there was no doubt about that. Since the first time I had held my first niece in my arms, I had known I wanted kids. But I hadn't started missing them. I hadn't even thought of it was a priority. Until now. Dillon was my reminder that there was something out there more important than surgery. Dillon was that burst of innocence in my life that I needed sometimes. When Meredith and I got married, which I was starting to hope would be sooner rather than later, I knew I wanted some of my own with her. Dillon was hers, and mine and Lucas's. I wanted some that were just ours, mine and hers. I'd always love Dillon, there is no one I could love more, but I wanted some of my own.
"Derek," Dillon turned to me. "What does it feel like when a fishy comes and eats your pole?"
"There's a tug, like something is pulling on the other end," I explained. "Why?"
"Cause my pole is moving," he laughs. "See!"
"It is!" I exclaimed. "Do you need my help pulling it in?" I asked him, moving to put my own pole down.
"Yeah," he nodded quickly. "Cause I don't think my blue arm is working!"
I laughed as I moved around him, placing my hands over his tiny ones. "Just hold it really tight, bud. And you have to crank it just like this," I said, using my hands to guide him in doing just that.
He was laughing as the fish finally came out of the water, and it was a big one. I was definitely a little jealous. Once we had the fish out of the water though, his face fell. "Derek, is he dead?"
"Not yet," I told him seriously, as it flopped slightly on the ground. "But...ummm...if you want to take it home to your mommy, well it's going to have to be dead."
His eyes watered a little and he shook his head. "Derek, fix him! Surgeon him!"
"I can...I can put him back in the water if you want," I told him quickly.
"Put him back! Put him back!" he was close to throwing a tantrum now, I could see it in his eyes. "Derek, you're gonna kill him! Put him back!"
I grabbed the fish quickly and threw him back in the water, turning around and pulling Dillon into my arms, hoping the tears wouldn't come. "It's okay, bud. The fish is going to be okay."
"I don't like fishing," he sobbed into my shirt. "I don't want the fishies to die.
"It's okay, bud, it's okay. The fishies don't have to die," I muttered, pulling him close to me.
"He's gonna be okay?" Dillon pulled back and looked in my eyes, tears still staining his cheeks.
"He'll be just fine," I nodded, wiping some tears off his cheeks. "I took care of him."
"Good," he whimpered. "Derek, I don't wanna fish anymore."
"Okay, bud. How about we go get some ice cream?" I asked, smiling at him.
"A sundae with chocolate sprinkles?" he asked.
"Whatever you want," I answered.
"Okay," he sniffled. "I'm sorry I don't like fishing, Derek."
"It's okay, bud. You don't have to like fishing. We can find other things to do together," I reassured him.
"Let's go," he said, wiping his face with his uninjured hand.
"Okay," I said, starting to gather our stuff up. "Are we okay, bud?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "Come on Daddy Derek. I want ice cream."
Daddy Derek. He called me Daddy. Our fishing trip had been less than perfect but he had called me Daddy. Out of the best moments of my life this ranked up there with the moment that Meredith had told me she loved me. As we walked back to the car, his tiny hand resting in mine, I couldn't get over the change my life had had in such a short time. I was in love. And I had a son. I was a daddy.
"In a world where sincerity has lost its meaning, you fill my world with so much hope."