Disclaimer: So this update is going to make you cry. And chances are Grey's tonight is going to make you cry. Maybe we do own Grey's Anatomy...
The rain was cold, and I had the distinct feeling that Meredith and I would regret this at some point. That point didn't matter. My mom was sick, my mom was sick with a potentially fatal cancer, and she had let it get this bad before even telling us, her family of doctors. So it rained and I didn't care. I needed to be here, I couldn't be inside with everyone. I needed to be here with just Meredith. I needed to breathe.
Her tiny arms were holding me tight, rocking me a little as I cried, as my tears fell onto her shoulders. "It's okay, Der," she whispered. "It will be okay." Her words seemed worthless, futile, and while I understood why she was saying them, I felt a tinge of anger pass through me.
It wasn't Meredith's fault that my mom was sick, it wasn't Meredith's fault we were standing out in the rain. And she was here. Meredith, my runner, the one that always freaked, was here holding me tight when I needed her the most. And right now that was enough regardless of how useless her words were. "Thanks, Mer," I whispered, pulling back and wiping the tears off my cheeks.
"You're welcome," she whispered. "Love you."
"Love you too," I whispered, trying to smile but failing miserably. Instead I gave her a quick kiss before taking her hand and leading her back inside.
"Derek," Mom stood at the door, her eyes a little red from crying. "Derek, are you all right?"
I nodded quickly, squeezing Meredith's hand. I could do this, I needed to do this. Since I had been 10 I had been the man of the house, the person who was strong when everyone needed him. And that wasn't going to change now. "Who's your doctor?" I asked.
"Dr. Calvin Jacobs at Mercy West," she replied, reaching out to hug me.
I hugged her back. "No, you need someone better. I'll see if Addison can take you on."
"Derek, really," Mom shook her head, "you don't need to do that. Dr. Jacobs is fine."
"No, you need the best. And Addie's the best. You're not arguing this, Mom," I ordered.
"Derek, I'm sure Addie is very busy," Mom shook her head.
"She'll take you on. She found time for Meredith, she will find time for you," I nodded, feeling better now that I had a plan in place.
Mark came forward, his eyes burning. "We're here for you, Mom," he said. "We all are."
"And you're going to listen to us," I ordered again. "You raised five doctors, and now you have to listen to us."
"He's right, Mom," Nancy spoke up. "As much as I hate to admit it, he's right. You have to involve us in this. You can't keep this kind of thing from us. Dad kept everything from us and..." She trailed off as she turned around towards her husband.
"But you all have such busy lives, you really don't have to go out of your way," my mom tried to argue.
"Mom, you raised us," Kathleen said softly. "After Dad died, it was just you. You raised us and Mark. And we all know that wasn't easy. We're not going out of our way. We love you. You're our mommy."
"And right now you have no other choice," I told her.
"I don't want you worrying about me," Mom whispered. "I don't want any of you to put your lives on hold for me."
"Mom, you're part of our lives. It's our job to take care of you," Erin said pulling Mom into a hug.
Suddenly, Dillon and Sullivan came running in, stopping when they saw the grown ups with serious looks on their faces. "What's the matter?" Dillon asked as he took Meredith's hand.
"Nothing, Dill. Derek and I will talk to you about it when we get home," Meredith repiled gently.
"Is dinner ready?" he asked softly, moving to stand a little bit behind her, obviously uncomfortable.
"Not yet, it will be a bit longer," Meredith answered him.
"Okay," he nodded and then turned towards my mom. "Grandma, why are you crying?"
"It's nothing, baby, don't worry about it," my mom shook her head.
"Are you hurt?" he asked seriously. "Because Daddy Derek is a surgeon and he can surgeon you better."
"No, I'm fine,' she answered in a slightly shaky voice. "How about you four come and help me set the table?" she asked, addressing the 2 boys and their 2 bears.
"Okay," Sullivan nodded. "Come on, Dillon. I want the blue cup."
"I want the red one," Dillon said, smiling and following them out of the room.
Mark turned to stare at everyone, letting out the breath that I realized we had all been holding. "Shit," he said.
"No kidding," I responded running my fingers through my hair, feeling Meredith's hand travel to my back. "What the hell are we supposed to do now?"
"She'll be fine," Leah whimpered. "I mean, stage 3. It's not stage 4. What's the survival rate? Fifty percent?"
"Something like that," I shrugged. "I'll called Addison tomorrow, she...she can tell us more. I'm sure she'll be willing to take Mom on."
"We have to have a plan," Nancy stated. "She's going to have chemo, surgery. We have to all take care of her. Someone needs to be with her at all times."
"We can each take a turn. I'm going on a lighter rotation for the baby, so I have more time. And we can take turns. There's five us. It should be too hard," I responded.
"Six," Mark said. "Six including me. I'm going to help too."
I nodded, grateful to have my somewhat brother here. "Okay, we can each take a night a week, and we'll alternate on who can take two depending on family schedules."
"I'll take two," Mark stated. "I'm going to take a lighter rotation too. Mom needs us." I could tell he was struggling with this, his father had left when he was young, and his own mother had died during college. And this time, it seemed my brother from a very different mother was determined not to lose his mom.
"Thanks Mark," I nodded. "We're all going to have to pull our weight to get through this."
"You've got a baby on the way," Mark smiled at me. "You need to worry about Meredith right now, Derek. I can take three nights if you need me to."
'No, I need to be there for Mom," I said turning to Meredith and trying to find reassurance in her eyes that she was okay with this, that she could handle this.
"I'm fine," Meredith said softly. "I've done this before, I'm fine. I want, I know you need to take care of, uh, of Mom right now." It was the first time she had called my mother Mom and I tried very hard not to cry again as I squeezed her hand.
"So we're going to have to play this day by day," I nodded, turning away from Meredith although I pulled her slightly closer to me.
"What if," Erin looked up, her voice catching, "what if something happens? Dad went so fast."
"Nothing can happen," I shook my head quickly before anyone else could answer. "She's Mom. She can't...nothing can happen."
"Maybe we should prepare ourselves," Erin pushed on quietly. "It might be easier, Derek."
"No. We can't think like that, we need to stay positive, at least right now. Mom needs us to be positive," I stated. Honestly I couldn't think like that because it would kill me. I couldn't think of Mom not being okay. She was my mom, and my life was finally coming together. She needed to be around to see it.
"Derek's right," Kathleen put on her therapist's voice. "The most important thing for any cancer patient is a positive outlook. We need to remain positive and take this day by day."
"We can do this. We have each other, we can get through this. We just need to stay organized and positive and strong. But we can do this," I rambled, something I had apparently picked up from Meredith.
Mom came in then, a smile on her face. "Dinner's on the table," she stated. "And the boys did a wonderful job."
"Okay, let's eat, " I sighed, leading Meredith to the dinning room. For some reason I didn't want to let go of her, not today. I needed her to lean on, I needed her there. I couldn't let go.
For the first time in twenty years, the table was almost quiet during dinner. The kids were even quiet, realizing that something was very wrong. Mom tried to keep up cheerful conversation, but all any of us could do was pick at our food. "This is why I didn't want to tell you," Mom finally sighed as she brought dessert in.
"We would have figured it out," I pointed out.
"I know, Derek," Mom frowned at me. "But right now, we should be celebrating. Meredith is pregnant. A new little Shepherd is going to be born in September. We should be celebrating right now, not moping about the dinner table."
"And thank god everyone now knows. This secret agent thing doesn't work well with the ladies," Mark said frowning. "Actually the only lady I tried it on was Cristina and she doesn't count."
"Cristina's not a lady," Meredith giggled slightly and then covered her mouth with her hand. "Sorry."
"Meredith, I already said, no moping. It's okay to laugh," my mom said, sounding more relaxed. "Who's Cristina?"
"My best friend," Meredith replied. "She helped Mark baby sit recently. Which, by the way, is never happening again."
"What? Why not?" Mark asked looking insulted. "Yang and I made a great team."
"Because my son was covered in chocolate and wouldn't go to sleep due to his sugar high," Meredith glared at him. "And was watching a horror movie."
"Your son had the time of his life. He happens to love Uncle Mark and Aunt Cristina," Mark said, smiling smuggly.
"Mr. Mark is the best baby sitter ever," Dillon grinned.
"That's right," Mark nodded. "You raised a smart kid, Mer."
Meredith just smiled and then stood up slowly. "Excuse me," she whispered, her face a little pale.
"You okay?" I asked quickly.
"Yeah," she nodded. "I'm fine. Just...I'm fine."
"You sure?" I frowned to her. She didn't look fine.
She nodded and then walked out of the dining room quickly, one hand on her stomach, the other across her mouth. "My sister is making Mommy sick," Dillon said sadly. "Bad sister."
"I'm sure you used to make your mommy sick when you were in her belly," Erin told him, smiling.
"Daddy Derek said I did," he nodded. "Grandma says Mommy needs to take naps. Will that make my sister be good?"
"It will help," Nancy smiled.
"Dillon has decided to go to daycare so he can make sure his mommy gets a lot of sleep," Mom said. "He wants to protect his little sister."
"Really?" Mark asked, his face brightening. "I'll come visit you, kiddo."
"You will, Mr. Mark?" Dillon grinned. "Will you come visit Sam too?"
"Of course. Day care is much cooler than my office," Mark nodded.
"Only for you, Mark," Nancy laughed. "Because you have the mind of a six year old."
"I'll have you know, Kelly who runs the place is very attractive lady. My mind is definitely not that of a six year old," Mark laughed.
"Cruising for girls," Dillon laughed.
"Mark Sloan, what have you been teaching that boy?" my mom shouted.
"Mr. Mark," Dillon smiled, "are you gonna share your pickle with Miss Kelly?"
"Mark!" my mom shouted again, looking completely appaled. "That's not the type of thing you let children here. Did I raise you to be an idiot?"
"No, Mom," he blushed a little. "Sorry."
My mom gave him her death glare. It had been so long since I had seen it I didn't know if she could still manage it, but apparently she could. "You're right you're sorry. And you will be apologizing to Meredith the second she comes back. I'd have you apologize to Derek but I fear he's grown accustomed to your behaviour."
"He doesn't get it," Mark mumbled.
"No mumbling at the table, Mark," my mom told him. Strangely this felt like high school all over again.
Meredith came back in at that moment, still looking a little pale as she sat down next to me, resting her head against my shoulder. "What have I missed?" she whispered, taking my hand and squeezing it.
"Dillon talked about cruising for ladies, and Mark's pickel. My mom was not to pleased and now Mark has to apologize to you," I whispered, pressing my lips against her forehead. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," she nodded. "Are you okay?"
"No," I answered her honestly. I was good at pretending I was okay when I wasn't, but not to Meredith. "But I have you," I tried to smile.
"Do you want to go?" she asked, looking concerned as my smile failed. "You can blame it on me."
I wanted to say yes. I wanted to go home and crawl into Meredith's arms and forget tonight had ever happened. And then I heard Dillon laugh. Going home would mean having to talk to him, to let him know what was going on. "No, we can stay here a bit longer," I told her.
"Are you sure?" she looked right into my eyes, her green eyes filled with concern and love.
"No, I don't..." I whispered. "I just, I don't want to go home and tell Dillon. I just want to forget about this."
She squeezed my hand gently and then stood up. "I'm sorry, everyone," she said. "I'm feeling a little tired. We're going to head on home." She turned to me and then whispered, "I'm here, Der."
I smiled gratefully at Mer and walked over to my mom to give her a quick kiss as Meredith helped Dillon out of his chair. "I'll call you tomorrow, Mom. After I talk to Addie."
"Derek, I'm sorry," she whispered as she hugged me tightly.
"It's okay," I told her. It wasn't but it would have to be.
"I wanted to protect you," she told me earnestly as she got up to walk my family and me out the door.
"I don't need protecting, Mom," I said.
She smiled as she kissed my cheek. "You always do this," she whispered. "Even after your dad died. You try to take control. Take care of your baby and Meredith."
"I can take care of both of you," I told her seriously. I could.
"I'm fine, Derek," she replied. "I'm a grown woman. I raised six children. And while I'm not sure Markie was a total success, I did it all by myself after your father died. I can take care of myself."
"I know you can, Mom. But you need us. We're your family. You need us," I urged her.
"Your family needs you," she told me firmly and then smiled as Meredith and Dillon came towards us. "Meredith, take care of yourself."
"I will," Meredith said giving my mom a quick hug. "Let him take care of you," Meredith whispered, but I heard her anyway. "He'll go crazy if he can't."
Mom smiled softly and kissed Meredith on the cheek. "I know," she nodded. "But I don't want either of you worrying about me. The most important thing is making sure my grandbaby is healthy."
"He or she will be fine," Meredith smiled, resting one hand on her belly, grasping mine with her other.
"She," Mom smiled. "Now, go. You look absolutely exhausted. I'll see the two of you next Sunday."
"We'll be here," Meredith smiled, leading me out the door, Dillon following close behind after giving his grandma a hug goodbye.
We got in the car and started driving, Dillon talking in the backseat. "Daddy Derek?"
"Yeah?" I asked quietly.
"Sister," he giggled a little. "Now you have to say brother."
Tears prickeled my eyes. "I'm not in the mood right now, bud. Maybe later."
"Why?" he asked. "You said we were gonna play later."
"I just...I have a lot on my mind right now," I sighed. "Maybe when we get home."
"Okay," he said. "Do you want a picture?"
"Sure," I agreed half heartedly. I didn't want to take this out on Dillon. He was this perfect happy kid who didn't deserve anything but the best from me. But right now this was the best. I felt Meredith's hand tighten around mine.
"Dillon," Meredith turned to look at him, "when we got home, Mommy and Daddy Derek have to have a very important talk with you, okay?"
"Okay," Dillon pouted. "Am I in trouble? I'm sorry I talked about Mark's pickel at supper."
Meredith chuckled a little. "No, honey, you're not in trouble. But this is a very serious talk."
"Okay," Dillon said, falling into silence as he worked on whatever he was drawing. I could feel Meredith's eyes on me, but didn't bother to look in her direction. Because if I did, I'd fall apart. And that wasn't an option.
She squeezed my hand gently and then brought it over to put on her stomach. I knew she meant it as a comforting gesture, but all I could think was that my mom might not live to see my daughter or son be born. That I had waited too long. That my mother was dying. I took a ragged breath and pulled my hand away, running my fingers through my hair. My mom had been so patient with me, going through college, med school, my carreer everything. And she had always been so proud of me, even though I hadn't given her the one thing she wanted from me, she was proud. I knew she had always loved me. Now finally I was happy. I was with the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I had a child and another on the way. And I could loose my mom.
We pulled into the driveway and I sat in the car for a few seconds as Meredith and Derek scrambled out. My mom had cancer. Stage three breast cancer. My mother could be dying. She could be gone before Meredith could give birth. I had lost my father before he could see me grow up and I had taken his job as a father, but I didn't know how my family would survive without my mother. My mother had always been the glue that held my family together. Even before we had lost Dad, my mom had been that person, the matriarch of the Shepherd clan. She was the one that brought us together. We didn't know how to survive without her. I finally entered the house, immediately Meredith's arms were around me, Dillon standing on the stairs looking worried.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Is my sister sick?"
"Your sister is fine," Meredith answered him, taking a shaky breath. "How about you and Daddy Derek go to the living room. I'll go grab the cookies Izzie brought over earlier and be there in a minute."
"Okay," Dillon nodded and grabbed my hand, taking me into the living room. "Daddy Derek, don't cry, kay? Mommy said my sister is okay."
I nodded, trying to smile at him as I sunk onto the couch. Sensing my mood Dillon climbed onto my lap, wrapping his arms around me tightly as we waited for Meredith to reappear. At least my mom had met him. He wasn't her own, just like he wasn't mine, but I knew that didn't bother her. He was her grandson, just like all the rest of them. I just hoped she would be around to see my next one.
Meredith came in with the cookies and three glasses of milk and sat down next to us, handing a cookie to Dillon, who took it excitedly. "I got two desserts today," he said. "Daddy Derek, do you want a cookie?"
"Sure," I whispered in response, not trusting myself to say anything louder as I took a cookie off the plate, even though my stomach was tied in knots. I looked at Meredith pleading with her to find the words, because I knew I couldn't.
Dillon looked back and forth between us and then said, "Something bad happened, didn't it?"
"Yes, bud," Meredith said, using my nickname for him as she smoothed his hair. "Grandma Shepherd is sick."
"Then give her medicine," Dillon shrugged. "Even though it tastes bad, it makes you better."
"It's not that kind of sick," Meredith smiled sadly. "She has cancer, remember how I told you about what cancer was? She's going to need surgery and then she's going to have to take some medecine that's going to make her sick before she gets better."
"Cancer makes you go away though," Dillon's eyes began to water. "Uncle George's dad went away."
"It doesn't always make you go away," Meredith tried to sooth. "Uncle George's dad had it really bad. He was really sick. Grandma isn't as bad, she can get better."
"Promise?" Dillon looked up at the two of us, his parents, looking for a promise we couldn't make. For the first time, I suddenly felt a sense of failure as I looked at his hopeful eyes.
"Dill, we can't make that promise. But she's going to try her hardest to get better, and she had a whole bunch of people helping her out," Meredith said, a tear tracing it's way down her cheek. I hated myself for this, for bringing this pain into their lives. Just months ago this pain would have just been mine, I felt awful for sharing it with them.
"What if she goes away?" Dillon whimpered, wrapping his arms tightly around my neck. "I don't want her to go away. I love Grandma."
I felt some tears find their way down my cheek. Dillon in his childhood innocence was asking all the questions that I was afraid to. "That's something we will deal with if it happens. But it's not going to. We have to stay positive, Dill. Everything is going to be fine. And you can't be sad, Grandma doesn't want us to be sad."
"Okay," he nodded but then hugged Sam close to him. "I'll try not to be sad. I'll be a big boy."
"Good, that's what grandma needs. It's what Daddy Derek needs to," Meredith said, shifting slightly to run her fingers through my dishevled hair.
Dillon nodded and kissed me on the nose. "Your mommy's gonna be okay, Daddy Derek," he said quietly. "She's not gonna go away like your daddy."
"I hope so," I said quietly, pulling Dillon close to me, crushing Sam against my chest as I wrapped my arms around my son, fighting hard not to cry. I felt Meredith shift on the couch again, wrapping her arms around the both of us.
"Dill," Meredith whispered in his hair, "go get ready for bed and do some of your homework. Mommy and Daddy Derek are gonna go upstairs too. If you need help, then come and get me, okay?"
"Okay," Dillon said, pulling away from me and wiping a few tears from his eyes. "I love you, Daddy Derek," he said, wrapping his arms around me one last time.
I watched as he ran off and then Meredith turned to me, taking my hand. "Come on," she whispered. "Let's go to bed."
When
this whole world gets too crazy
And there's nowhere left to run
I know you give me sanctuary
You're the only truth I know
You're the road back home