Disclaimer: If we owned Grey's Anatomy the only thing that would kill Meredith is having too much sex with a certain wet knight in shining whatever.

I was tired, I was exhausted. Life wasn't supposed to be this hard, there was no way life was supposed to be this hard. I was trying my best for everyone, my mom, my sisters, Mer and Dillon. And I was tired. My mom looked at me like it was the last ime she'd ever see me. My sisters looked at me like they were expecting me to know exactly what to do. And Meredith looked at me like she was just waiting for me to break. I couldn't take it anymore. I sat in my mom's room, holding her hand as the nurses checked her vitals, trying my absolute hardest to smile at her. She looked as bad as I felt, though I knew she was worse. The chemo was taking its toll. Her hair was gone, she was always nauseous, and I had spent more nights than I cared to count applying cold compresses to her forehead as she vomited. I was ready to fall apart. But I couldn't, not yet. Because my mom needed me to be strong, she needed someone there for her, completely taking care of her and watching out for her. My sisters needed me to be the glue that held this all together. I had grown up as the man of the house, and right now that's what I needed to be again. So I ignored the urge to fall apart.

"How's my favorite Shepherd?" Mark came in, flashing a smile to my mom as he came over to kiss her on the forehead.

"I'm fine," my mom answered, sounding tired.

"You look beautiful," he smiled to her. "When are they letting you out of here?"

"I don't know, Addison's supposed to talk to Derek later today about it," she answered.

"Speaking of Derek," Mark looked at me and then looked down at his watch, "what time is Meredith's appointment today?"

"Shit," I said looking at mine, "Five minutes ago. I have to go," I said, quickly jumping and giving my mom a quick kiss.

"Are you finding out the sex today?" Mom asked, a weak smile on her face.

"I think so, as long as the baby cooperates," I smiled back.

"Come back and tell me if I'm getting another granddaughter," she squeezed my hand.

"I will," I nodded, heading out the door and down to Addison's office to meet Meredith. She'd be fine, she'd understand my lateness, she'd get it. Meredith was good at getting it right now, she didn't push, she didn't yell. Me being late was bad, and I felt like an ass for nearly forgetting, but Mer would be fine. That was my Meredith, she was strong, she was good at being fine.

I ran to Addison's office and found it empty, a small groan escaping my lips. "Dr. Shepherd?" Debbie asked.

"Debbie, do you know where Dr. Montgomery and her patient?" I asked.

"Exam room 10," she replied.

"Thank you," I breathed, rushing to the room.

I opened the door to find Meredith already on the table, Addison preparing the ultrasound machine. "You're here," Meredith smiled at me, reaching out her hand.

"Sorry I'm late," I told her, grabbing her hand and gently squeezing it.

"It's fine," she shrugged. "You missed the boring stuff."

'I shouldn't have," I told her, meaning the words. I didn't want to miss any of this.

"It's fine," she repeated. "You can miss me getting weighed and having an exam. You're here for the important part."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world," I told her, kissing her forehead.

"All right," Addison smiled at Meredith, "we're all set up. Are we going to find out the sex today?"

"Yeah," Meredith said, smiling up at me. "I mean, if it's possible. If you can tell us, we want to know."

"Well, let's see if this one cooperates," Addison nodded as she smeared the gel on Meredith's stomach before running the probe over my girlfriend's rounded belly. "There we go. Everything's looking good."

"Can you see the sex?" I asked, surprised at the excitement in my voice.

Addison watched the screen closely. "There's a foot," she said softly, pointing to the screen. "And she seems to be sucking her thumb."

"She? It's a girl?" Meredith said, crushing my hand.

"Yep," Addison nodded. "A healthy baby girl."

Tears flooded my eyes, happy tears. "Mer, we're having a baby girl," I whispered, kissing the hand that was linked with my own.

"We are," she nodded as she stared at the screen. "She's so small."

"She's beautiful," I breathed. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen and the tiny image moving on it. That was my daughter, my baby girl.

"She's okay?" Meredith asked Addison, trying to hold back her own tears as she squeezed my hand.

"She looks great, Meredith," Addison smiled. "I'll step outside and give you a few minutes alone."

The door closed softly behind her and Meredith turned to me, tears streaming down her face. "A girl," she cried, putting her forehead against mine. "A baby girl."

I pressed my lips gently against hers, running my fingers through her hair. "Daddy's little princess," I smiled.

"Dillon's going to be a big brother," she breathed. "It's all so real, Derek. She's there. She's really there."

"She really is," I said staring at her belly. It was the perfect belly. I looked back at her tear stained face. "God, Mer, you're beautiful."

"Really?" she whispered, her eyes shining. "Because lately..."

"I know, Mer," I whispered back. "My life is crazy right now, but you will never stop being beautiful to me. I will never stop loving you."

"I was starting to worry," she breathed, gripping my hand, "you never seem to want to feel her. I was starting to worry. That you wouldn't love her."

My heart tightened in my chest. "Mer, she's my princess, I adore her already. I love her, I love Dillon and I love you. I'm just...there's so much going on, everything just seems to hurt right now."

"I know," she nodded. "I know. But you love her. It's okay now. We're having a baby girl. A little girl."

"We are," I smiled. "We need to think of names. And paint her nursery. And buy her stuff, she's going to need stuff. And we need to tell Dillon, tell him about his baby sister."

"Not pink," Meredith laughed lightly. "My daughter won't have a pink nursery."

"I wouldn't dream of it," I laughed. "Lavender?"

"Maybe," Meredith stared at the screen. "Yellow?"

"Yellow sounds nice," I nodded, my own eyes going back to the screen.

"It's neutral," she whispered. "That way, when the next one comes, we won't have to repaint."

"You want a next one?" I smiled at her widely.

"Right now," she smiled, "right now, I want so many more. I want our daughter and Dillon to have siblings. I may change my mind when she's born though."

"No, no mind changing. We're having lots of babies, I'm holding you to that," I laughed.

"We have to tell Dillon tonight," she grinned. "When you get home tonight. We'll tell him."

"We will. I'll pick up some sparkling grape juice, we can celebrate," I said kissing her quickly.

"I love you," she started crying again. "I love you."

"I love you too," I told her, my voice shaky as I blinked back my own tears. "I love you. If I didn't have you...if I didn't have our family I wouldn't be able to get through this. I love you."

She nodded, reaching up to kiss me just as Addison came in. "Sorry to interrupt," she smiled. "I can make you a video, if you'd like?"

"If we said no, Dillon would never let us hear the end of it," I laughed, squeezing Meredith's hand again.

Addison smiled. "I can do that. Everything looks good, Mer. Though, you know about my concerns."

"I know, Addison, and I'm trying my best. We're trying our best, Life isn't easy right now," Meredith sighed.

"Your blood pressure, Meredith," Addison shook her head. "If you don't get it under control, you could end up dead. I'm not trying to scare you. You need to relax."

"Mom's sick, it's kind of hard to relax," Meredith groaned.

Addison nodded and squeezed her hand. "Your number one priority needs to be your health, Meredith. And your baby's health."

"I know and I'm trying. I'm eating better and I've been sleeping more," Meredith argued.

Addison looked up at me and then back down to Meredith. "Your weight is still a little on the low side, Meredith."

"I'm trying, Addison. I eat when I can. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do," Meredith said, tears coming to her eyes.

"Relax," Addison said softly. "Let Derek take care of you. More home cooked meals and less hurried snacks at work and while you're putting Dillon to bed."

"I'll take care of it," I nodded, squeezing her hand, running through my head exactly where I would find time to take care of this. But I couldn't loose them too.

"Okay," Addison nodded. "I'll see you next month, Meredith. Any questions or concerns, you call me, okay?"

"Yep," Meredith nodded.

"Good," Addison smiled. "And congratulations you two. Derek, when you're done here, I need to speak to you." She squeezed Meredith's hand again and then went out the door.

"Mer, we talked about this, you have to eat," I told her, helping her off the table.

"I try," she argued. "But I don't have a lot of time at work and then I get home and Dillon has homework and he wants to sign up for soccer now."

"Try harder," I ordered, immediately regretting the harsh tone when her eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry, Mer. I'm going to try to be home more, to do a better job taking care of you."

"But Mom," she sighed.

"I know," I sighed, kissing her quickly. "I'll figure it out. But I can't risk loosing you or my princess either."

"Your princess," she sighed and kissed me deeply. "I should go. I need to get back to work. I'll see you tonight?"

"I'll be there," I smiled. "I love you."

"I love you too," she replied, a huge grin still on her face.

"I'm sorry, you know. This should be the happiest time of our lives, I'm sorry it isn't," I smiled sadly at her.

"Not your fault," she told me, her hand on her belly. "We're having a baby girl, Derek."

"We are," I smiled and kissed her again. "I should go find Addison, see what it is she wants to talk to me about."

"Okay," she nodded and then kissed me. "Bye. See you tonight."

"Bye," I said, walking out of the room and in search of Addison, wondering what was up and hoping it wasn't something bad. I was happy, Meredith and I were having a baby girl and I was happy. For the first time in months, I almost felt like my old self. I didn't want bad news.

"Derek," Addison came out of her office. "We need to talk. Do you want to come in?"

"Okay," I asked. Now I was worried, Addie wasn't one to have talks in offices. If she wanted to yell at me about Meredith she'd do it in the hallway. Something was up.

"Sit down," she sighed, waving her hand towards one of her chairs as she sat down in her own.

"What's up?" I asked, slidding into the seat.

"I hate to do this to you today of all days," she sighed. "This it the happiest I've seen you in two and a half months."

"It's the happiest I've been in two and a half months. What's wrong?" I asked, concern deep in my voice.

"Before the appointment with Meredith, I spoke to your mom's oncologist," she began.

I nodded slowly. "And?"

"We ran some tests a couple of days ago," she stated. "And got the results today. It's not good."

"Addison, what are you saying?" my voice cracked.

"It's spread," she stated. "The cancer. Has spread. We still have options, Derek. But, I think your family needs to start preparing."

I leaned back in the chair, closing my eyes to hold back the tears I felt pooling there. I wish Meredith hadn't gone back to work, that she had stayed with me. I needed her. "Addison, how bad?"

"We're going to upgrade her to Stage four," Addison replied. "It has spread past her lymph nodes, there are some signs that her lungs are becoming infected. We can peform more surgery, double up the chemo and radiation, but, right now, it doesn't look good."

I shook my head quicky, this coudn't be happening, not today, not when I has just found out that I was going to have a little girl. This couldn't be happening. "You...you have to do what

"We're trying," Addison stood up and sat down in the chair next to me, taking my hand. "I'm sorry, Derek. You know how this is. If we had caught it a little earlier, started treatment a little earlier."

"I...I don't know why she let it get to bad," I whispered, squeezing her hand and wishing it was Meredith's. "She should...she should have...my dad did this, he didn't worry about it...he was...he was good and then he wasn't..and then we...we lost him. How could she do this?"

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "We're going to let her go home for a little bit, recuperate, build strength. And then we're going to go for a second round."

"Okay," I nodded, wiping my eyes and pulling myself together. Now wasn't the time to fall apart, later, I could fall apart later. When people didn't need me to be strong anymore, when it was just me and Meredith. "I should go tell her."

"You should," she nodded, standing up. "I'm sorry, Derek. I didn't want to tell you today. But it had to be said. I don't know how much time we have."

"Thanks, thanks for telling me. I needed to know, I need to take care of this," I nodded standing up as well.

"Okay," she nodded and then stepped forward to give me a hug. "God, Derek, you have no idea how sorry I am. I know how much you love her."

"She's my mom," I told her as I pulled away. "I need to go do this."

"Okay."

I didn't bother saying goodbye, just stalked off. My mom was dying. I don't care what else Addison said, she had said to prepare fo the worst, I was a doctor, I knew what that meant. If my mom had done something earlier this wouldn't be happening. Breast cancer is easy to beat, people beat it all the time. When they don't ignore it. And yet after my dad, she had still let it get this bad.
I stalked off to my mom's room, pushing through people, not bothering to be kind or nice. I didn't care about manners. My mother was dying. My mother was dying and it was her fault. It was her fault for not going to the doctor. For not talking to us. She had raised five doctors, six technically. She knew what happened when someone put off doctors visits. She had lost her husband because of it.

And yet she had put it off, waiting until it was too bad for any of us to do anything. I walked into the room to find Mark still perched on the bed, laughing along with something my mom has said. I breathed deeply. "How could you do this to us?" I hissed in greeting.

"Derek?" she asked, her eyes wide. "What's the matter? Is Meredith all right?"

"Meredith is fine. It's you that you should be worried about," I said, turning around and pacing around the room.

"Derek," Mark said, grasping my mom's hand.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. I couldn't exactly yell at my mom the news that there was a very good chance that she could die. "The cancer spread mom, the damn cancer spread."

She nodded sadly. "I had a feeling."

"Mom! You know what happened with dad, you were there. You lost your husband because he ignored the symptoms. How the hell could you let it get this bad? How could you risk your own life like that?" I yelled. The fact my mom had a feeling it was bad just about killed me.

"Derek, I, I just thought it was something that would resolve itself," she whispered.

"Cancer doesn't resolve itself Mom! It's cancer. It kills people, it killed Dad," I shouted.

"I'm sorry," she stated.

"Mom, I'm finally happy. I finally found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm finally have a child of my own, a little beautiful girl. And there's an amazingly huge chance you're going to miss it. Sorry doesn't cut it," I whispered, my tone harsh, but I didn't care.

"It's a girl?" she asked, her eyes filling with tears.

"Yes, Mom, it's a girl. Not that that makes much of a difference right now," I shook my head

"Derek," she smiled. "A little girl. My tenth grand daughter."

"And because you were too stubborn to get checked out you might never meet her," I whispered. I knew it was harsh, but watching my mom cry over my daughter, the one she might never meet, was too much. It was her fault she might miss it.

"Derek, please," she pleaded.

"Mom!" I yelled. "You don't get it. You're dying. We're going to loose you. You might never see your 10th grandchild. Because of your stupid decision. Because you only thought of yourself. Because you were too scared. Mom, this is your fault!"

"Hey!" Mark suddenly stood up and slammed me against the wall, his entire body shaking. "She doesn't need this shit right now, Derek. Not now. What the hell is the matter with you?"

I tried to push him off but he wouldn't budge. "What's the matter with me? My mom's dying. I should be happy right now, but I can't be because she's dying. Because she didn't get checked out."

"You're going to blame her for this?" he growled and then grabbed my arm, dragging me out of the room and slamming me against the wall in the hallway, people turning to stare. "Damn it, Derek, I'm so fucking sick of this. I'm sick of you moping around like you're the only damn person suffering here."

"You have no idea what I'm going through!" I yelled at him.

"She's my mother too, Derek!" he yelled. "She fucking raised me! My mom wouldn't even look at me after my dad left and your mom took care of me. She raised me. So I get that you're angry. And I get that you're really upset right now. But you can't blame her for this. You can't yell at her. She's trying to fight this. She's trying and you can't fucking act like she's not!"

"I know she's trying, I know that Mark! But where does that leave me? I'm trying too. People need me, everyone needs me, I'm trying to hold this all together. I'm trying to take care of everyone and it's fucking hard!" I yelled, pushing him off of me.

"Derek, you're not God," he said, coming right back at me. "You can't change this situation. And you can't keep acting like everyone is putting this all on you. We've all offered to help, Derek. All of us. We've all offered to spend the night with her so that you can go home to your pregnant girlfriend and your son. But you refuse. You refuse and you're going to lose the greatest thing that has ever happened to you if you continue!"

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not loosing Meredith, she gets this. God, she's the only person who gets this right now," I yelled.

"Have you looked at her?" he suddenly lowered his voice. "She looks like she's going to fall over at any minute. She's trying to hold it all together. She's trying to act like she gets this. But she's not eating, Derek. She's not eating. She's not sleeping. God, Dillon thinks you don't love him anymore. What the hell are you trying to prove with this big guy act of yours?"

"I'm trying to save my mom! I'm trying to save my family!" I yelled.

"You can't save her, Derek!" he yelled back. "You can't save Mom. I can't save her. But she wants you to be with Meredith. You're going to kill her, if you don't go to her, Derek. You need to do something. You've become someone I don't even know. This isn't Derek Shepherd. Derek Shepherd would never do this."

Anger drained out of me, replaced with concern. Meredith had seemed fine to me, not great, but fine. I assumed it was stress from my mom's situation, but that she was handling it. I thought Meredith was okay. "Meredith...do you think she's that bad?"

"God, Derek," Mark shook his head, "I went to the house the other night while you were with Mom. I went to visit Dillon. Meredith could barely stand up."

"God, how did I miss this?" I asked him, rubbing my hands through my hair. "How did I miss what was happening to her?"

"She was trying to be strong," he said, putting his hand gently on my shoulder. "She was trying to be strong for you. And really, she's a strong person. But the baby has been taking a lot out of her. I had to carry her upstairs to bed. And for a woman who is five and a half months pregnant, she was ridiculously light."

"I have to go home, I have to go home and take care of her. Make her supper, put Dillon to bed. I need to go," I sighed. How the hell did I miss this with Meredith? I went to bed beside her almost every night and somehow I had missed her falling apart.

"Yeah, you do," he nodded. "And you might want to consider apologizing to Mom."

I nodded in return. "When the hell did you get so smart?"

He shrugged. "I'm seeing someone."

I gave him a strange look, but decided to ignore the comment for now. Mark didn't need me right now. Meredith did. And my mom. So I walked back into her room, ignoring the smug grin on Mark's face. "Sorry, Mom," I told her sounding rather lame.

"It's fine, honey," she whispered. "You're worried. But, Derek, you don't need to be here all the time. You don't have to be the man of the house all the time."

"I know, I know. I have to get home to Mer, but I'll come by and see you tomorrow, okay?" I smiled slightly.

"Okay," she nodded. "And Derek, I really am sorry."

"I know you are, Mom. I love you," I said.

"I love you too," she smiled. "Now go home to Meredith and my grand daughter."

"I'm going," I smiled, heading out the door. I needed to be home, I needed to watch out for Meredith. She wasn't doing this alone, not anymore. There was no way I could risk loosing her or the baby, it was a non-option. I needed them.

In a little while, this hurt will hurt no more, I'll be home, love...