Disclaimer: If we owned Grey's...well Patrick would be winning awards out his ass. Hmmmm...Paddy's ass.
I stared at the machines, my heart pounding in my ears as Addison barked orders at the doctors and nurses surrounding my mother's lifeless body. Nancy stood off to the side, tears streaming down her face as she tried to breathe. I let go of Meredith's hand and jumped into action. "What the hell happened?" I shouted as I started doing CPR. "And push one of epi!"
"Derek, Derek," Addison's voice came from a distance as I felt her gently tug on my arm. I ignored her.
"How long has she been down?" I asked as I pushed on her chest. My mother was not dying today. Not today. Not when I had had the perfect morning. Not when we had finally chosen my daughter's name. Not today. "Nancy, how long has she been down?"
"I don't know, I got there and...I don't know," Nancy answered in tears.
"Derek," Addison murmured, trying to take my hands off my mom's chest, "you can't be here. You can't do this."
I ignored her again. My mom needed saving, she needed me. I needed to be here. I couldn't walk away. I couldn't give up. "I...I have to," I choked out.
"Derek, she's been down for a while," Addison said it so softly I could barely hear her.
"No...no..." I kept thudding on her chest. She was not doing this to me, not today.
"Shep..." Mark grabbed my shoulder, trying to drag me away.
"No!" I shouted and shook him off. They might be ready to give up, but I couldn't. I couldn't give up on my mom.
Addison stared at me and then looked over at Mark and he just nodded. She sighed and said, "Okay, push another round of epi."
I considered thank you but Addison was family now, she would get it. My family couldn't loose Mom, not now, not like this. Not when everything in my life was feeling right, not when my son had named my little girl. Not today. Suddenly, magically, the beeping machines quieted and there were steady beeps as my mom started breathing again, as her heart started beating again. "Sinus rhythm," a nurse said, staring at the machine.
Tears racked my body, my shoulders shook violently as I sunk to the floor. She was okay, she was back. Addison stared at me and then snapped back into action. "I need a CT," she ordered. "CBC, Chem 7. Let's go."
"Addison...Addison, take care of her," I asked her, desperately.
"Stay close," she warned me. "We may have to go into surgery."
"I'm not going anywhere," I nodded.
She ran off with my mom, who was still unconscious but breathing. She was breathing. She was alive. Mark reached down to help me off the floor, his arms immediately going around me in a very rare hug. "What the hell?" he asked. "What the hell? She was fine. Yesterday. Yesterday, she was good."
"God, I don't know," I said, hugging my brother tightly. In that moment he as my brother, nothing kind of about him. "Mark, I just don't know."
"I was running late," Nancy sobbed next to us. "Joey had a doctor's appointment and I was running late."
"Nance, it's not your fault," Mark attempted to comfort her.
"She wasn't breathing, Mark," Nancy cried. "She was on the floor and she wasn't breathing. Derek...she was down. She was down. Her brain..."
"It's okay, it's okay," I whispered pulling Nancy into my arms. "We don't know, she might...it will be okay."
"She can't die," Mark rubbed Nancy's back. "She can't. Mom's a fighter. She'll be okay."
"Addie will take care of her. Addie's family, she'll take care of her," I nodded.
"Daddy went so fast," my sister sobbed. "Just like that. One minute, he was fine...the next…"
"I know, I know. But Mom...she'll get through this. She has to...for Megan," I squeaked out my daughter's name.
"Megan?" Mark asked, giving me an odd look.
"Mer and I...and Dillon...we named her today," I said, smiling slightly through my tears.
Mark nodded. "Dr. Shepherd?" an ER intern walked up to us. "Sorry to interrupt, but are you on duty? We have a man who somehow ended up with a two by four in his head...thought you might want to check it out." I thought for a second. Meredith would understand, one case, just quickly looking at it, she would understand. It would take my mind off things...work was good. I wouldn't think if I had to work. Mer would get that. "Dr. Shepherd?" the intern asked quietly.
"Yeah, yeah," I nodded. "I'll go look."
"Derek," Mark said, nodding towards the wall.
"What?" I asked, annoyed.
"Meredith and Dillon," he whispered to me.
"They...where did they go?" I noticed the spot they had been standing in was now empty.
"No idea," Mark answered. "They were here while you were working on Mom. Dillon looked completely freaked."
"Meredith probably took him to my office," I nodded. "Could you...could you take them home? Tell Mer I'll be home later?"
"Derek..." Mark sighed, a warning somewhere in there.
"Mark, Mer...she knows me, she gets me. She'll understand. And I'm going, I'll go home to them tonight," I urged.
"Derek, you saw her yesterday," he said firmly. "She was in pain. Real pain. She's supposed to be on bed rest, not taking care of Dillon and waiting for you to get home."
"I won't be long. I'm not operating, I'm just looking," I told him. "Please, just...I need to escape. For 5 seconds, I need to escape."
"Fine," he said. "But you're an ass."
"I know," I nodded. And I did. But I couldn't be home right now. Right now I couldn't pretend to be fine for Meredith and Dillon and Megan. It wasn't in me right now.
I went to check out the man with the two by four in his head, examining quickly and then deciding that he needed surgery, immediately. It would be a tough surgery, a very difficult and long surgery, and not a surgery for any other neurosurgeon in the hospital. "Are you going to operate, Dr. Shepherd?" an intern asked me as I wrote orders for a CT scan.
"Yeah, yeah, I am," I nodded. Meredith would understand, she didn't want me taking time off anyway, she'd understand. She always did.
"Very cool," the intern grinned. "How long do you think it will take?"
"I don't know, a few hours at least," I said rubbing my hands through my hair. "You want to scrub in?'
"Definitely," he nodded as he walked beside me. My pager went off and I looked down at it, sighing. Addison. "I'll get his CT, Dr. Shepherd. And I'll see you in the ER."
"I'll be there in a few minutes," I answered, stalking off to find Addison.
Addison was standing in the middle of a circle of my sisters and Mark, my mom's chart in her hand. "Derek!" Leah ran to me, throwing her arms around my neck. "Nancy told us...what you did. Is she...do you think...is she...?"
"I don't know," I answered honestly, hugging her tightly.
Addison cleared her throat and we all turned to look at her, tears shining in all of our eyes as we waited for the news. "It was a mixture of her meds and the cancer," she stated frankly, not sugarcoating. "I've spoken to your mom's oncologist and we've agreed it's best to try to evacuate the cancer in her lungs now before it spreads further."
"She needs an operation?" Kathleen asked, sounding terrified.
"Yes," Addison nodded sympathetically. "We're going to try to get the cancer out of her lungs and then start her on a round of aggressive chemotherapy and radiation. She's stable now, but still unconscious."
"Can we go see her?" I asked. I could slip in quickly before I started my own surgery.
"Only for a minute," Addison nodded. "They want to get her in now. Dr. Hahn wants to start the surgery as soon as possible."
"We'll be quick," Nancy nodded.
Addison led us into the room they had Mom in where Cristina Yang was prepping her for surgery, getting ready to wheel off to the OR. "Dr. Montgomery," Yang nodded, "we have to take her in."
"That's fine," Addison nodded. "The family just wanted to see her for a second."
Cristina's eyes met mine and she held back her eye roll and stepped back. "Okay," she stated.
My mom lay in the bed, surrounded by tubes, completely unconscious. She looked peaceful, she looked nearly happy. My heart clenched in my chest. I wanted to go home, I wanted to crawl into Meredith's arms and forget everything. But that wouldn't work. Nothing would work. "Hey, Mommy," Erin whispered as she took my mother's limp hand. "We're all here. We're all going to stay here too. All of us."
With that Addison ushered us out of the room, reassuring us that she would keep us updated. "I have to...I have to go. Surgery," I muttered.
"What?" all five of my siblings, Mark included, stared at me.
"The case...the man has a 2 by 4 in his head. He needs me," I shrugged. "I have to do this."
"Derek," Mark growled.
"Mark, just...let me do this," I pleaded.
"And Meredith?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "What about Meredith?"
"She'll understand," I nodded trying to convince myself. "She'll get it,"
Addison gave me a look that clearly promised me death if Meredith wasn't okay with this. If Meredith's blood pressure went back up. "I'll keep your scrub nurse updated, Dr. Shepherd," she stated.
"Thank you," I nodded turning to leave. I was an ass, I should be there with my family. or at least home with Meredith. I shouldn't be operating. I needed to be operating.
I had always been the best at pushing aside any of my worries and fears during surgery and doing my job. The OR provided comfort, rationality, a plan. I had never been the type to live specifically by plans, I enjoyed the thrill of the chase, of not knowing what would happen next. But when the world was falling apart, when I couldn't hold it together outside of the OR, I was fine in surgery. I could breathe in surgery. And Meredith would get that, she would. I wasn't pushing her away again, I wasn't forgetting to take care of her. I was escaping, for a few hours, I needed the escape that cutting offered. I needed it more than I needed the escape of Meredith's arms. She would understand. Meredith understood me, even when I annoyed her, she understood.
I lost track of time as I let my mind concentrate only on fixing this man. On making sure he lived. On making sure that I could walk out in a few hours and tell his family that he would be fine. He would live. I was meticulous. And focused. More focused than I had ever been before. Because if I let my mind wander from the surgery, I would think of my mother in surgery. I would think of Mer.
The surgery was flawless, it went off perfectly. It had even gone smoother than I expected. And I felt good, I felt like I had done something, saved someone, made someone's family a little happier. Because right now I couldn't save mine, I couldn't make mine happier. But this...this I could do. I was good at this. I was damn good at this. Life was easier with a scalpel in my hand.
I asked a resident to close as I tore off the surgical gown and allowed a nurse to take off the flashlight. I stretched my neck from side to side. The adrenaline rushed through me, but I was calm. My hands were still. I missed the scalpel. I missed this. It had only been a few days, but I missed the escape. I missed knowing what was going to happen.
I felt calm. This was better than pacing, this was better than crying in Mer's arms. This got something done, this was important. Operating was my life, and it made things make sense. And right now it's what I needed. Because I couldn't stomach the thought of going to wait with my family, of standing there and not being able to do anything. I didn't want to be frozen in that moment again.
I scrubbed out of the surgery, listening as the intern babbled on about how cool the surgery had been. "Dr. Shepherd?" a nurse popped her head in. "Dr. Montgomery would like me to let you know that your mother is out of surgery. And she's fine."
"Thank you," I sighed leaning against the counter in relief. Mom was okay, she was out of surgery and she was okay. She'd stay okay, she had. Mom had to be fine.
I walked out of the scrub room, Mark heading straight towards me. "Mom's out," he snapped.
"Yeah, I heard," I sighed, ignoring his anger.
"They got the cancer out of her lungs," he said. "She's in the ICU right now, they want to keep an eye on her before they move her to oncology to start treatment." We stood there for a moment and he growled, "What the hell do you think you're doing, Derek?"
"I'm saving lives, Mark. It's what I do," I responded, meeting his gaze head on.
"I thought you were taking time off," he glared at me, anger and possibly disappointment in his eyes. "To take care of your family. You know, since you did such a brilliant job of it for three months."
"I am taking time off," I sighed. "But tonight I need this. I need to be doing this."
"You don't think Meredith might need you tonight?" he asked. "You don't think your family needs you right now? And Mom?"
"Mark! I can't...I can't do this, not right now. I've been doing this for months. I can't...I just can't anymore. I need...I just can't," I hissed blinking back tears.
"So what?" he asked. "Daddy's big boy is just going to walk away from the family?" It was a low blow. A terribly low blow.
"Don't you dare accuse me of walking away, don't you dare. I've been here for so many months, I've been holding us all together. And I can't. For one damn night I need an escape. So don't you dare," I yelled.
"This is what you do, Shep," he yelled back. "You pretend to be strong. You pretend that you want to take care of the family. And then you walk away. You just walk the fuck away!"
"I can't do it Mark! I can't spend my night there, waiting. I can't! That's not who I am. I don't wait, I act. And this...this is the only thing I can do!" I shouted.
My pager went off and I looked down at it, ER. "Another surgery?" he growled. "What do I tell your sisters?"
"Tell them I'm an ass," I shrugged, walking away.
"Will do," he called after me. "And I'll go check on your pregnant fiance too. Since you obviously aren't going to."
"Go to hell Mark," I answered not bothering to look at him.
I ran down to the ER, hoping there would be several surgeries I could do. My hands were shaking now, they needed to be steady. I needed to breathe again. I needed to know what was going to happen. "Dr. Shepherd," Dr. Miranda Bailey walked forward, "car accident. At least two patients with critical head injuries. Looks like it will be a busy night for you."
"Thank god," I said, smiling at Bailey, relief rushing through my body. I could operate all night. That would be good.
"Glad you don't have anything to get home to," she mumbled. "I can't put my baby to bed, but you're pleased."
I flinched slightly at the suggestion. I had something to go home to, I had plenty to go home to. A son to put to bed, a fiancée to take care of. But I couldn't. If I went home and looked at them, I'd fall apart. Surgery held me together. I pulled back a curtain where doctors were working frantically on my second patient of the day. I quickly examined her, knowing she had a subdural hematoma without really having to order the tests. "Get her into CT," I ordered. "And then schedule her surgery for sometime tonight." This felt good, getting lost in my work, forgetting about all the drama in my own life. Right now other families needed fixing, other families were counting on me. And this I could do, I could give them answers, I could fix things. It was more than I could do for my own family.
There were other patients, other car crash victims. One man with a spine injury who needed surgery immediately. I didn't have time to send him to CT or MRI. I barely had time to rush him up to the OR and scrub in before cutting, my life calming again. My pager beeped and the nurse read off my home number. I chose to ignore it, knowing Meredith would get this. She would understand. She had to understand.
The night flew by, jumping between ORs. Usually I would hate night likes this, I despised nights like that left me aching for a bed. I didn't want a bed tonight. I needed to keep going, to keep cutting, to keep saving lives. I belonged here. Here I still felt like myself.
"That was amazing," an intern breathed for possibly the fifth time that night. "I mean, seriously, Dr. Shepherd, you are amazing."
"Thank you," I said smiling. I needed to hear I was amazing tonight, needed to be reminded that I wasn't useless, that I wasn't powerless.
"Are you done for the night?" she asked. "I've heard you've been working since two thirty. Just doing surgeries non stop."
I looked at the clock on the wall, it was nearly six. Meredith and Dillon would be asleep, sound asleep. And finally my own fatigue felt like it was setting in. And no more patients were waiting for me. "Yeah, I think so," I nodded.
"Can I talk to the family?" she was an eager intern. Good. Smart. Reliable. And of course ambitious.
"Sure," I nodded. I had been able to give families good news all night, news that no one had been able to offer my family. And now I was tired. Someone else could do it. At least someone was doing it.
She ran off and I went to the elevator, intent on going to my office to grab a couple hours of sleep before checking in on my mom. I hadn't seen anyone since Mark and I had fought, and I had no desire to see anyone. I just wanted to sleep on my couch and then shower. Or maybe shower first and then sleep. But sleep was definitely a huge part of the plan.
I had needed tonight but it left me exhausted. Entirely exhausted. Which I needed to be, it was the only way I'd ever fall asleep tonight. Exhaustion was good. I sighed heavily as I opened the door to my empty office. It wasn't empty. "Dr. Shepherd," Meredith nodded as I walked in. "Good surgery?"
"Mer? What...what are you doing here?" I asked, stopping in my tracks.
"I think the better question is what the hell are you doing here?" she stared at me, her hands on her hips.
"Mer..." I stared, trailing off realizing I wasn't quite sure what I planned to say.
"Seriously, Derek," she started pacing. "I went home. I went home because I thought it was the right thing to do. Dillon was crying because an ER really isn't the place for a small child, especially when you're watching your step father give your grandmother CPR. Mark told me you'd be home. And instead, you're doing surgeries. Seriously? Seriously!"
"Mer, I'm sorry...I just...I couldn't...Meredith, everything is so big right now. So god damn big, I needed to escape," I said, sinking on to my couch and hiding my face in my hands.
"You're not doing this again," she hissed. "You're not going to do this again. Escape? I'm sorry that we're such a damn burden that you need to escape from us."
"Mer, it's not you. You're not...you're not a burden. God, no. When I'm operating, everything, it just goes away. And I needed that, for one night, I needed that," I sighed.
"You couldn't come home to us?" she asked. "I'm supposed to be on bed rest, Derek. And instead, I had to do everything last night. Thank God Mark came over. He apparently is the only one who is strong enough to handle this right now. Who cares."
Mark had been right, I was an ass. A complete ass. And looking at Meredith now, completely upset, exhausted and angry, I realized how wrong I had been. "I'm sorry, Mer. I just...I don't know what I was thinking."
"What if something had happened, Derek?" she glared at me. "What if something had happened? You promised you wouldn't do this again. You swore you wouldn't. And you've been in surgeries non stop since two thirty in the afternoon."
"I'm sorry Mer, I'm so sorry," I said, staring at the rug underneath my feet as tears streamed down my cheeks. "I just kept telling myself that you'd understand, that this would be okay. Because I needed it. I'm sorry."
"We need you," she said. "We need you. And I know that drives you nuts. I know that you'd rather be back in your trailer with no responsibilites. And if that's really how you feel, then we can end this. Right here."
"Mer, no! No!" I shook my head quickly, my heart racing. This couldn't be happening. I couldn't lose her. "I don't want to be back in the trailer. I don't want no responsibilities. I want you and Dillon and Megan. I need you," I said, jumping off the couch and trying to pull her into my arms.
"You need us?" she backed away. "You need us? Really? Because the past four months have proved to me that you don't care. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. And I'm not going to try to understand anymore. I can't."
"No, Meredith, you can't do this. Not to us. I care, I care so much it scares me sometimes. You...I'm so damn sorry. I was an idiot, a complete ass, and an idiot," I pleaded. I couldn't lose her. I couldn't.
"How do I know you won't do this again?" she asked me. "How do I know you won't pull away only maybe forever and I'll have to do this alone. Again."
"I...I don't know how to prove it. But I won't. I can't lose you, Meredith. I can't," I begged. I was ready to get down on my knees to beg. Because I had a really bad feeling that she was about to give me the ring back, that she was going to end us. And not even surgery could save me from that.
"I can't do this alone," she whimpered, falling onto the couch. I looked at her and realized she looked too tired. She looked too exhausted. She looked like she was on the brink of collapse.
"Oh, Mer," I whispered, sinking on to the couch and pulling her into my arms, relieved that she didn't push me away, worried that she came so easily. "You're not, I swear to you, you're not."
"I need you," she whispered. "I can't. I can't do this. I'm so tired. And Dillon...he has so much energy. And I'm so tired."
"I know, I know," I soothed, rubbing her back and pulling her closer. "I should have been home, I...I...I won't do this again."
"You said that Thursday," she whispered. "And I can't keep waiting. And I can't keep expecting Mark to do it for you."
I blinked back tears, feeling my shoulders shake with suppressed sobs. "Meredith...you have to, you have to give me time to fix this, to prove to you I'm here. You can't...if you end this I can't...I'd die, Meredith. I can't do this without you."
"I can't do this without you either," she whispered, taking my hand. Her grasp was weak, like she didn't have the energy to squeeze.
"I love you," I whispered, burying my head against her neck, letting the smell of lavender overtake me.
"I love you too," she murmured.
And then the tears came. Huge gut wrenching sobs came straight from my gut, shaking my entire body as she let me all but climb onto her lap. In twenty fours hours I had nearly lost everything that had meant anything to me. My mom, my mom had died. I had brought her back but she had been dead. And Meredith, Meredith had nearly given up on me, on us. "It's okay," she whispered as she held me. "It's okay." I sobbed, tears pouring down my cheeks as I held onto her, gripped her close to me. "Derek, breathe," she whispered. "Breathe." I shook desperately as I tried to breathe, but closing my eyes led to me reliving the past twenty four hours. To my mommy surrounded by tubes. To Meredith falling onto my couch, exhausted.
"I can't...I can't..." I gasped, trying to take a breath but failing. My body trembled against hers as she held me tightly, with a strength I didn't think she had minutes before. But I needed her and she held me tightly.
"It's okay, it's okay," she repeated over and over. She was holding me up. Holding me. Keeping me from falling into some dark corner I had been avoiding since the minute I had seen my mother. "Derek, you're fine. You're okay. It's okay."
"Mer...Mer..." I tried to say something, anything to pull myself together. But nothing was working. I had fallen apart, after swearing to myself that I couldn't, after spending a night avoiding it I had entirely fallen apart. And Meredith was the only thing holding me back, keeping me from the darkness.
"I know," she whispered as she stroked by forehead, the same way she stroked Dill's when he fell or was hurt. "I know. It's okay. I'm here."
"Thank you," I managed to squeeze out between sobs. I had to stop, this wasn't dignified, this wasn't manly. I had to stop.
"You need sleep," she whispered. "You need to sleep. I'm going to take you home and you're going to sleep, Der. Okay?"
I nodded softly against her, letting her help me off the couch as I tried to wipe tears away from my cheeks, but they wouldn't stop coming.
"On second thought," she smiled a little, "Mark has Dillon. You can sleep here. I don't think we'll both fit...but I'll watch you sleep."
"You sure? You look like you could use some sleep too," I asked, through my ragged breath.
She nodded and forced me down onto the couch, her hand rubbing my forehead. "Let me take care of you," she murmured as she kissed me.
"That's my job," I whispered.
"You need a break," she smiled. "You take care of everyone but yourself."
"Mer, you're pregnant, you need taking care of," I tried to argue.
"Derek, for once, don't argue and don't play the pregnancy card," she ordered. "Go to sleep. I'm here. I'll always be here."
I smiled sadly at her as my eyes began to drift close. "If I hadn't already asked I'd propose to you right now, Meredith Grey-Shepherd."
"And I'd say yes," she assured me as she ran her fingers through my hair comforting me as I fell into a dreamless, exhausted sleep.
"And all these days that I'm away, I'll make up for this I swear. I need your love to hold me up when it's all too much to bear"