Disclaimer: If we owned Grey's Anatomy Alicia would have recovered from her recent break up by sleeping with McDreamy. Instead she cut her hair.
I could not fall apart. Dillon needed me, I could not fall apart. So instead I paced, Dillon's huge eyes, wide with fear, following me up and down the hallway. I paced because I couldn't fall apart. Meredith was seven months. Megan could survive that, seven months wasn't too early. It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad. It just...was. We could do it. It would be fine. Meredith would be fine. And I couldn't fall apart.
Dillon sat on one of the chairs, his legs swinging back and forth as he stared at me. He looked lost. He hadn't brought Sam with him, for once. And this was probably the one time he needed Sam more than anything in the world. I ran my fingers through my hair as I looked at my son, at Meredith's son. He looked so much like her it was almost disturbing. Especially now. When he was lost.
"It's going to be okay, bud. Mom, Meggie, they're going to be okay," I reassured him, not sure if I was talking to him or myself but needing to say the words out loud. Because he looks so lost. And I felt so lost.
"Go surgeon Mommy," he said softly. "Go surgeon her and make her better."
"I wish I could, bud," I sighed. "She's with Aunt Addie. Aunt Addie is going to make her feel better."
"Uncle Alex fixes babies," he whispered. "He can surgeon Megan."
"He can," I nodded, trying to sit down beside him. "But Aunt Addie does the same thing, and she's been Mommy's doctor all along."
"I'm sorry," he looked up at me, his blue eyes filling with tears.
"What do you have to be sorry for?" I asked him, pulling him onto my lap.
"Cause I 'plained about the clothes," he said slowly. "And I wanted to go to the toy store."
"Oh Dill," I sighed, hugging him close. "This isn't your fault. This isn't anyone's fault."
"Then why'd Mommy get sick?" he asked. "She was crying, Daddy Derek. And screaming."
"She's not sick. She's just...your sister is trying to make her entrance into the world a little earlier than she should," I tried to explain.
"Why?" Dillon asked, a smile playing on his lips. "Cause she wants to meet me and Sam and Sammie?'
"She wants to meet all of us," I nodded. "But she's not big enough yet."
"She's still really small," he nodded.
"She is," I agreed. "Aunt Addie has to stop her from coming. But it's going to be okay."
"What if Aunt Addie can't stop her?" he asked seriously.
"Then she will just be born small," I shrugged, hoping my voice didn't sound a fearful as I felt. "She will have to stay in the hospital till she gets bigger."
"Will she be really sick?" he asked.
"Not sick. Just...she'll need time to grow," I answered.
"Dillon? Derek?" Lucas was suddenly next to us, concern written on his features. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Mer's in pre-term labour," I sighed.
Concern intensified to horror as he stared at me. "She'll be fine," he attempted to assure me. "Do you need anything?"
"Could you take Dillon? He...he's freaked out. He doesn't need to be here for this...it's too much," I breathed.
"I don't wanna go," Dillon shook his head. "Why can't I stay here?"
"Dill, it might be a while. You will probably get bored," I tried to convince him.
"But if my mommy's sick then I have to be here," he said. "Like she's here when I'm sick. Right, Daddy?" He stared at Lucas, pleading with his blue eyes for support.
"And you will be here, Dill. But right now it's not a good time for you to be here. Derek has to worry about your mommy, he doesn't need you to worry about too," Lucas answered, offering Dillon his hand.
"What if," Dillon's eyes filled with tears, "what if she goes away? Or my sister goes away?"
"Neither of them are going away," I shook my head. "Aunt Addie is taking care of them."
"Come on, Dill pickle," Lucas smiled softly, "I'm almost done and then we'll go home and I'll make you cheeseburgers."
"I promise I will call you the second I see your mommy, okay?" I added.
"Okay," he said, miserably, hugging me. "Don't let her go away, okay?"
"I won't," I whispered blinking back tears. "Love you, bud."
"Love you too, Daddy Derek," he whispered and then, after Lucas squeezed my shoulder, my son was gone and I was alone.
I sunk onto the chair and allowed tears to roll down my face. That was my little princess in there, daddy's little girl. I had been dreaming of having a daughter forever, and finally it was close to coming true. If Addie could save her. And Meredith...Meredith was my life. I could not live without her, I couldn't live without my Mer. She had to be okay. They had to be okay. They were my family.
She would be fine. She had to be fine. Meredith was a fighter. And Meggie, Meggie was a fighter too. My little princess was a fighter just like her mommy. They would be fine. I palmed the tears away from my face, trying desperately to hide my anguish as nurses walked by, giving me sympathetic looks. I had never really even considered what it was like to be the one waiting. Waiting desperately for news. I had always been the one holding the scalpel. Now, I had no power.
I stood up and started pacing again. Pacing was better than falling apart. Pacing was doing something. I was walking, I was burning calories. That was good. That was better than sitting still and doing nothing. Suddenly the door to Meredith's room opened and Addison came out. "Addison," I breathed.
She walked towards me, absolutely no expression to her face. At least, not one that I could read. My heart sank as she came to me and I struggled to breathe. "Derek," she finally said.
"Tell me they're okay. They have to be okay. Tell...just...Addie..." I begged.
"Derek," she placed her hand softly on my arm, "they're fine. I've stopped the labor. They're both fine."
I pulled Addison into my arms, hugging her tightly as sobs of relief shook my body. "Thank you...thank...thank you."
She hugged me tightly for a minute and then pulled away, her hands going to my face. "Derek, you can't fall apart. She's scared. And she's already blaming herself enough as it is."
"I won't," I shook my head quickly. "They're okay, I can do this. I can be strong for her."
She nodded. "Deep breaths, Derek," she murmured. "Deep breaths. They're fine."
I took a deep breath and wiped away the tears from my eyes. "What...what do we do now?"
"I'm keeping her in over night for observation," she told me carefully. "And then on bed rest for three days. After that, she needs to take it easy. No more gallavanting around busy malls for hours on end. I know she's stubborn, but she has to take it easy. If her water had broken, I would have been taking you to see your daughter in the NICU right now."
I sighed at the thought of how badly this could have gone. "She'll take it easy. If I have to tie her to the bed, she's taking it easy."
A smile flickered across her face. "Nothing kinky, Derek," she said. "In fact, I'm officially putting an end to any sexual activities."
"You're..what?" I asked, my jaw dropping open/
"No more sex," she clarified. "None. At least not until I think it's safe again. Derek, there are plenty of women who go into preterm labor and then go on to carry their babies completely to term, sometimes past their due dates. Sex is not the way to ensure your daughter is part of that group."
"Fine, no sex," I groaned. "Can I go see her?"
"Of course," she nodded. "She's scared, Derek. She thinks this is her fault. And it isn't. This isn't her fault at all. But she blames herself and I'm considering sending a psych consult."
"Let me talk to her first," I nodded. "She...she needs me."
"She does," she smiled softly. "They're fine, Derek. They are. But things are going to be different from here on out. I want to see her every two weeks, make sure she doesn't become dilated anymore than she already is. We need to keep a sharp eye on her."
"I won't take my eyes off of her. She's my...they're my girls. I'll take care of them," I sighed.
"I know," she hugged me. "Go ahead. I'll be in later to check on her."
"Thanks," I breathed and headed towards the room. Reaching it I didn't walk in right away. I paused and leaned again the doorway, looking at her. She looked terrified, her face was stained with tears and she was curled up in a ball. But she was okay. "Hey," I murmured quietly.
"Hi," she whispered back, trying to choke back the tears that were building in her amazing green eyes. "Derek, I'm so sorry."
"You did nothing wrong," I soothed as I walked towards her bed
"I did," she nodded. "Derek, she could have...it was too early. Too early. I'm a terrible mother."
"Mer, how does going into pre-term labour make you a bad mom?" I questioned, running my hand over her hair.
"I was tired," she sighed. "I was tired and in pain and I kept going. And maybe if I would just slow down. But no, no, I had to walk around that damn mall and I have to rush around. And I'm a terrible mom. My daughter is going to hate me."
"Our daughter is going to love you," I told her kissing her quickly. "And you're stubborn, you're unwilling to listen and you think you know best. Which actually kind of makes you a great mom."
"She could have," her voice hitched as her hand flew to her stomach and she started to sob, her small body shaking.
I slipped onto the bed beside her and pulled her close, resting one hand on her stomach. "I know, Mer, I know," I whispered my own voice thick with emotion. "But she didn't."
"Is she okay?" she murmured. "Addison said she was but, I wanted to make sure. Because I need to know. Is Megan, is she okay?"
"Princess Meggie is fine," I smiled.
"Dillon?" she suddenly breathed. "Is he...where is he?"
"Lucas took him home," I filled her in.
"Is he okay?" she asked me, tears still spilling down her cheeks.
"He's a little freaked out but he will be fine," I whispered, moving my hand to wipe away her tears.
"I'm so sorry, Derek," she leaned into my touch. "I'm so sorry."
"Meredith listen to me. This isn't your fault. This is not your fault. The shopping didn't do this, not alone. It's been a hard pregnany which has been my fault, so you...you have nothing to be sorry for," I whispered.
"You don't need this to worry about," she sighed. "Not with everything else. Not with your mom and being named Chief. You don't need this too."
"You are my everyting. And Megan is my princess. This is mine to worry about," I nodded.
"I love you," she cuddled further into my arms.
"I love you too," I said. "I got something for you today."
"When?" she asked, her eyes already starting to close.
"When I was at the mall," I laughed softly, pulling myself off my bed to get my package. I hadn't planned on giving it to her until Megan was born but she needed something good right now. "Here."
She stared at the cardboard house from Build a Bear and reached for it carefully. "Derek..."
"Relax, it's just a gift," I laughed.
She opened it and pulled out McDreamy the Monkey. Her face lit up in a smile and she laughed. "Derek, it's a monkey."
"It's a shame you never finsihed med school. You would have made a great doctor, very observant," I joked.
"Ass," she hit me lightly. "It's a monkey in scrubs."
"It is," I nodded.
"Um...why?" she smiled as she held it close to her, squeezing it gently. She looked almost childish doing it and I smiled softly at her, pushing the hair off her face.
"Bananas needed a friend," I smiled. "And when I start my new job I won't be around as much as we'll want. I'm going to be there, I am. But...it won't be like this. I thought you might want a friend too."
"You got me a Sam," she laughed lightly. "What's his name?"
"McDreamy," I stated proudly.
She giggled and reached her hand out to me. "You're so damn cheesy," she said. "Now come to bed with me and McDreamy."
"You have to squeeze his hand first," I smiled as I kicked off my shoes.
"Okay," she said slowly and then squeezed McDreamy's hand, tears filling her eyes when my voice came from the monkey, telling her I loved her and alwasy would. "Derek..."
"Shhh...shh..." I whispered, slipping into her bed. "I know."
We faced each other, her belly in the way of us getting too close, but still as close as we could possibly be. "You're not going to fit," she suddenly laughed.
"Oh I'm going to fit. Because there is no way I'm going home and sleeping without you," I laughed. "Turn around. Slowly."
"Derek, in case you've forgotten, I'm seven months pregnant," she sighed, "and these hospital beds are small. You're going to end up on the floor."
"I am not ending up on the floor. And I'm not leaving this room, so it's this bed with you or that uncomfortable chair," I told her.
"Fine," she sighed as she sat up. "But don't blame me when you're on the floor in the morning." She turned slowly, her back to me, her hand on her stomach.
"Wouldn't dream of it," I whispered, a smile on my face as I moved my body around her, my own hand resting on her stomach.
"She's moving," Meredith whispered as I settled my head on the pillow.
"Go to sleep, Meggie," I whispered.
"No," Meredith shook her head, and I heard the tears in her voice. "Let her move. It means she's still...she's still here."
"She's still here," I murmured, pulling her close. "We're okay, Mer, we're all going to be okay."
She nodded and her breathing began to even out. She was obviously exhausted, and so was I, but I couldn't sleep. I had promised Addie I wouldn't take my eyes off her, off Meggie. I smiled softly as my daughter moved carefully underneath my hand sent a prayer of thanks to whatever higher power there was that my girls were all right. That Meredith was still here. Because without her, without her, I wouldn't be able to breathe.
Fall on me, tell me everything you want me to be, forever with you, forever in me, ever the same...