"Jay," I breathed, flabbergasted at his frankness. It was a side of him that in all of our years together, I'd never seen. It was beautiful but heartbreaking to watch, but like something strange and new, I marveled at it. It was hard to believe he was willingly granting me freedom of choice.

I suppose that I blindly mistook Jay for Peter Pan, the boy who would never grow up. I'd forgotten all the things he'd been through, the things he'd seen and done, and never given them credit for molding him, a little. I'd expected Jay to be fun fun fun, all the time. A never-ending whirlwind of immaturity and lightness. When the word "love" became attached to us, I should've seen that idea shattering.

"If I can't make you happy," he began, looking away from me, "then you can be with whoever the hell can."

I could feel tears stinging my eyes. I was willing myself not to cry, but losing. It felt like the end of an era, the death of the Golden Age for us. It was as though, in that exact moment, I could feel our carefree days falling away from us, leaving us naked and crawling in our skin. I felt helpless to stop it.

"Jay," I repeated, somehow thinking repeating his name again and again would be helpful to one of us. I just couldn't think of any words to say, even though I had so many to choose from.

After a few minutes of painstakingly silent heaviness, he spoke. It was soft and sad, and it couldn't have hurt more if he had stabbed me in the stomach.

"Maybe you should go, Lily."

It was another first in our friendship; even when we'd fought, he'd never asked me to leave before. We'd been in horrific arguments, the worst imaginable for people at the tender age of twelve and on, but we'd always resorted to ignoring one another or duking it out until we got tired of it.

"No, please," I stammered out, not sure what I was begging for. I had no reason to plead, honestly. I had a house to go to and I had to stop by to check in on Stacy later, anyways. But I wanted to leave of my own free will. I didn't want him to want me to go.

"Lily, this just… isn't good right now, okay?" He said, still averting his eyes from mine. I wanted to scream at him, but I didn't know what would be appropriate to scream. I wanted to tell him that, no, I wanted to be with him, but I knew it was only half true. I couldn't keep throwing around his feelings the way I was doing.

"But Jay, just listen to me, please," I said, grabbing his hand in mine. He looked at me with those incredibly sad eyes and said nothing.

Oh shit, this is him listening, isn't it? I didn't have anything planned to say, so imploring him for a chance to be heard might have been a big mistake.

"Jay, I wasn't with him because I want to have a relationship with him," I said, in honesty. "I was with him because he needed someone to be there. He asked me to stay with him, just like you have a million times, and I agreed, just like I did a million times."

Jay processed this bit of information before giving me a look that I can only explain as an indication that something very philosophical is about to fly out of his mouth.

"That's fair enough, even though I had some hope," he said, leaving the comment half finished in my mind.

"Hope for what?" I asked, gently, knowing that I only had about a centimeter of ice below my feet.

"Hope that you'd ever looked at me as more than a friend. I didn't think every time you stayed the night, you looked at me as a friend. I'm not stupid, Lily, I know it's more than that with Stacy," he replied, carefully placing each word in a slow tone.

"Jay, please, don't do this," I said, feeling my tears dry up for some reason. I think fear took the place of sadness and the panicky tears that follow it.

"I'm not doing anything," he said, bitterly and sharply.

"You know, it really fucking hurts to sit here and tell you I love you and then to get this back," he said, that familiar spark of anger in his eyes, only slightly.

"Get what back?" I was having trouble keeping up.

"This. You not even being able to say you want to be with me. You playing around with me," he explained, laying it out there like it was the most universally known truth ever spoken. I think his words would have stung less if he was pissed off.

"I'm sorry," I said in the smallest voice that I possessed, which was all I could speak in.

"I bet you really are," he said, not a note of sarcasm in his voice, "because you know that I love you and you're still fucking me over. I mean, Lily, what can I do to make you want me?"

It was then that the statement of my tears vanishing retracted itself. I didn't cry, I just felt as though I was on the brink of doing so. I wanted to want Jay, just like I had when I said yes to his offer of dating. When I was with him like that, I didn't think I'd ever find anyone I could be so addicted to. But that's what it seemed to be -- an addiction. When we weren't together, more specifically when I was with Stacy, my attraction seemed more like a common wave length that Stacy and I shared. There wasn't this overpowering, full want with him. It was a soft, easy kind of thing, one I had more control over.

"Well, you know, your little Jayboy will just sit by the phone 'til you get your shit straight, okay? Let me know when you want to stop your fun and games," he said standing up. It was a harsh voice that he rarely used with me and it made me feel small inside. "I just want you to go."

I couldn't fight him on it, that time. I'd been hit pretty hard with what he'd said and if I stayed, I was sure his comments would only cut deeper. I made my way to the door and left him standing in his living room. If I'd had any guts, I'd have kept walking without looking back. I didn't, though, and caught the sight of him standing there, arms folded, looking at the floor.

I didn't have anywhere to go, really. A house with no one else inside is hardly an ideal location for someone who is upset; there's too much space to mope. I definitely had the tendancy to mope a lot when allowed to, so I figured I may as well not go there. I had another couple hours before I needed to check in on Stacy, too. The skies overhead threatened rain with their thick, dark clouds. It'd be perfect surfing if I had someone to go with. Instead, I went to my home away from home, the Zephyr shop. I knew that two of my boys wouldn't be there, and while that left the possibility of a run in with Tony wide open, it was a chance I was willing to take.