Dream A Little Dream Of Me, Sweetheart

Chapter Two: Libery's POV

Emma and I are staring at each other. We've been friends off and on for years now, but JT's death has brought us closer together again. I'm thinking about him as I always do, him and our baby, out there somewhere in the world. America. I sigh for what seems the ninetieth time and lower my head. Mia--why the hell is she even here?--is giving furtive glances at Emma like she wants to talk but can't. Some girl I don't know is whispering condolances in my ear, nonsense words I wish she'd whisper to someone else. And if she keeps patting my damn knee...then she trills, "Poor Toby, poor, poor Tobykins, he'll need some comfort too." I glance up at her and sees she's looking at Toby, all wide, blinking brown eyes and pouty smile. She would flirt with Toby at a time like this??? There's only one word for a girl like that: slut. I move away from her,

my He's not your Toby, girl!

and come face-to-face with him. Toby. He's right in the middle of the stairs, watching me so intently that it makes me pause a moment. My Toby, who'd been so good to me in the days after JT's passing. To avoid remembering, I snarl at him. He flashes me a hurt look, then moved. I passed up the stairs, making my way down the hall. Toby and Ashley's parents had started locking their bedroom door when out and we kids are coming over. I slide into Ashley's room, then stop and think. She and Jimmy might want to have some quiet time there. Toby's dad built a removable ramp for Jimmy to use whenever he came to visit. Anyway, there was only one room left: Toby's. I sigh again, then step inside. Instantly I'm stuck back in time, a happier time when the future was unknown and anything was possible. Toby's mirror, lined with pictures of the two of them. Hey, a few even had me! I step over, intrigued. The one of us in grade 8. Emma, Manny, JT, Toby, and me. We all had our arms around each other, wide smiles on our faces. Well, except for JT, who'd been sticking out his tongue in a silly guesture. Another picture, the boys with Sean the brief time they were friends. JT and Sean on the basketball court, Toby standing slightly behind them. He never was good at sports. Neither was JT. come to think of it. Other pictures; other times. He wasted so much time getting to me! So many years wasted, who knows what could've been. That thought tears at my heart as everything comes rushing back and I dissolve in a rush of tears. I throw myself on the bed and pour out my frustrations.I talk to him, cursing him, asking him why he left me. I cry until I can't cry anymore. And just when I think I can't take anymore, a voice breaks into my sorrow.

"Liberty?" He's holding out a handkerchief and staring at me intently. I refuse to think about the look in his eyes. To cover my confusion, I take refuge in rudness.

"What do you want? What are you doing here? I wipe my face with the sleeve of my shirt rather than take his handkerchief. I know my eyes are swollen and I must look a mess. His eyes appraise me. I see concern there, then so much tenderness that I want to cry again.

"I want you to use this handkerchief, and this is my room, after all," he smiles. Oh, that smile! When did it get so...well, so? Toby's grown the past few years. Well, I suppose we all have. Don't get me wrong, Toby's not, like, one of those guys who's a total geek one year, then goes away for the summer break and comes back all hottie, but there's a certain...maturity to his face. That's it a quiet maturity that I find attractive. His eyes only add to that. Dark and goodnatured, yet seeking and probing while giving nothing away if that's not what he wants. He intrigues me, has for some time now. I mean, the way he stepped up to the plate after JT...not going there. I need something to focus on to keep the tears from coming back. Toby's still holding out his handkerchief and I use that as a focus point to keep the tears at bay.

He sits on the bed next to me now, he's close, far, far too close to me. I feel his body heat matching mine, I make a sound, yet can't bring myself to move. I sway away slightly, lifting my face to stare at him. He curls his hand around my face, turning me to him. Can he tell my trembling? Then he starts to wipe away the tears still on my face with his cloth. But he's doing more than that, isn't he? He's looking at me tenderly, and his touch is so gentle, so reverent. He's treating me like a porcelain doll and it's been so, so long! But wait, what's he doing?? He's sliding my shirt a bit to the side and I should protest, I really, really should but he's slid my bra strap down and he's kissing my shoulder. The first kiss we had shared, his lips were warm and dry, pleasant. This time his lips are hot, as is the heat coming from his body. A shocked moan leaves my lips and I really should make him stop, I should and I will. In a moment. Oh, God, his hot mouth is sliding up my shoulder, butterfly kisses that make me tingle, then the heat of his mouth whispering to me that I'm very beautiful. I know I'm not beautiful. No one's ever called me that but my parents, nobody but...I will NOT go there! And it's been too long, too damn long. No loving words since I found out I was expecting. I wouldn't let him say it. And now this. I cry out, siezing the moment. Throwing my arms around him, pulling him in by his neck. He stumbled into me, eyes widening, then recovering as I slipped my hands down his back, needing to touch him. He grabbed my hips, bringing me closer, and it felt right; natural. I feel bold as I kiss him again, and oh! how soft his hands as they settle on either side of my face as if I were something precious. His hands and mouth are soothing me, lulling me...heating me. Toby must have sensed it, because the kiss changed, getting wilder. What had started out as a simple taste test had become a gorging feast. I kept hearing groans and it took me a moment to realize that they were coming from me. I was drowning in his kisses. I wanted to dig in his back but settled for lightly trailig my nails over his back. I feel myself moving against him mindlessly; I feel his response. This shouldn't be happening, there are other things we need to consider! I heave a sigh of relief as he pushes me away, then I gasp again as he lifts my shirt fromm my body. I freeze, watching him; his eyes meet mine with hot chocolate intensity. Suddenly he's more than just a friend, more than just a gentle young man who had my best interests at heart. I wanted Toby with an intensity that scared the hell out of me.

I came at him and attacked the buttons on his shirt. Toby assisted me as if his shirt was strangling him and he needed it off as much as I did. Our mouths are fused together and his shirt's off. I barely notice as we drop our shirts to the floor. Toby starts to take my bra off but tangles himself in it. I giggle slightly, watching him, then helping him drop my final barrier. And the look on his face! He simply stares at me, eating me up witih his eyes. And his touch, so soft, questing, reverent. But there's something I need to say. I take his hand, stopping him, and make him look at me.

"I don't want this to be a rebound, Toby," I say.He nods in agreement, but I can tell he's puzzled. He reaches for me anyway and I don't resist. The next kiss he gives is so soft, so gentle that it brings tears to my eyes. Who knew Toby could kiss like this? Each one felt like he was tasting and savoring my mouth. As I was his. I gave into the urge to dig my nails into his skin, though gently. I didn't want to hurt him. I did want to taste him as he was tasting me, to savor the full impact of his mouth. I tentitavely flicked the tip of my tongue over his mouth, over his bottom lip, exploring the territory. The next thing I know he'd crushed me to him, hands in my hair, kiss hard and deep. For a moment, I was scared. Every idiotic romance novel came back to me. Kisses hard and deep belonged to grown, experienced men, not 18-year-old boys I know. But something in his kiss called to me and suddenly I was matching him in his wildness. I was angry, I was hurt, and I had to get it out before it choked me. And Toby was the one to accept it. He was everywhere, mouth on my neck, hands pulling me down to the bed, pulling me on top of him. We were biting each other, hands roaming, I wanted him so much! I missed that passion and love and affection and attention. I hadn't had any since...

That's when the spell started to break. Toby had flipped me onto my back. I was still half-caught in the dreamy, hungry moment, still wanting him, yet reality kept inserting itself. I slipped a bit back into the moment when he slid a hand down my jeans, into my panties. I arched up into his hand and I knew he knew how much I wanted him. But I panicked when he started to unbutton my jeans. JT had done this our first time together, and the slow, gentle way Toby worked at the button, the soft yet concentrating look on his face, reminded me so of JT that I couldn't take it. I slapped at his hand, curling away from him, crying bitterly. Oh, JT, my love...what have I done??? It hadn't been so long, after all. I vaguely heard Toby crying too, behind me, but I couldn't muster the strength to get up to comfort him. He was hurting too.

"Liberty," Toby said softly, reaching for me. I knew that if he touched me, I would've given into him just to touch JT again. But I couldn't. We couldn't. I heard him talking, telling me that our feelings for each other weren't going to go away, so I curled up further, not wanting to hear his words. JT, I wailed silently. Why, JT, why?

"It's not going to go away," Toby intoned. We have something for each other and if we don't deal with this rationally, it's going to spin out of control..." It already has, I thought sadly. "...Think, Liberty, you're the smart one. Where do you think this is going to go if we pretend it doesn't exist"

I wanted to tell him that we were both just clinging to JT by each of us turning to his closest friends, the ones who knew him better than anyone. I left that unsaid, though, merely nodding as I got up, unmindful of our near naked states. I walked to him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Toby, I don't know what this is between us. I do know it needs time we don't have right now. I'm just...I'm just not ready to let go of JT yet. I was his oatmeal, remember?" That wasn't so funny the first time Toby had told me about his and JT's last conversation, but now it brought bittersweet laughter for us both. I bring him closer to me and say, "I do want to thank you though, Toby, through all of this you've been an awesome friend." Then I hugged him gratefully, with friendly love and comfort. It felt so good when he held my head in his hands, lowering it to his shoulder. I cuddled into his warm embrace and thought about old loves never forgotten, and possible new loves and a friendship always remembered.

A voice in the hall broke the warm, gentle moment. "We'll talk in here, it's probably emp..." I sweep my head from Toby's shoulder and we both turn our heads to the sound, though we don't have the chance to unlock our arms, and we're still pressed together. Crap. This doesn't look good, does it?

The voice belongs to Emma, who's with...hell. Mia, of all people. Now there's a problem. I don't like JT's last girlfriend, I close to hate her, in fact, and I'm sure she's going to use this against me. And Emma? Well, on her own she'd be no problem, especially if I asked her not to say anything. However. she tells Manny everything, and chances are by the end of tomorrow all of Degrassi will have the whole story, plus whater Mia decides to add. I watch her lip curl up, hear the almost inaudible "Humph" that escapes her mouth. That galvanizes Toby and me to split apart, and we look at each other. Two words:

"Oh damn"

What more is there to say, really?