I like the way she holds my hand
and I like the fact that I dance
when she does. And the fact that
she smiles. She's
always smiling. Even when
she's (or I'm) crying, April
is smiling. And she loves
me. Someone magic like April
loves someone normal, like
me. She comes to the street
outside the apartment,
and calls me, and I look
over at Collins out of pure
habit (even though the first
time I asked him he laughed
at me and said I didn't need
permission, but never trust
a woman.) then fly out of
the apartment, and April
takes me dancing.
Tonight she disappears.
One minute she's there
with a cup of warm beer
in her hand. The next,
she isn't. Here. At all.
"April?
"April?
"April?"
She's not here, even
in the bathroom, so I
try the exits. Not out
front, but the back/side
exits find me April
in her tiny dress and
my denim jacket, and
she is with
someone else.
"April?"
"Roger! We
need to talk."
Don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me
"I want you to try
this. It'll make you
feel better." "I feel
fine." "You're so
unhappy." "No, no,
I—" "Just one."
"Okay."
The needle hurts when it
pops through my skin, and
in the moment before I
see the pointed scoop on
the end of the needle that
goes into my arm, goes
into my vein—"Don't
worry, Roger, I'll be
an RN in six months."
Liar. In six months she'll
be dead and I'll be dying.
Or I'll be in pain and
wishing I wasn't dying.
"It's okay, it's okay, it's
okay, it'll be over soon."
"I want to die!"
Collins is the most amazing
person in the world, because
he laughs (in the nice way)
and says, "That's okay, Roger:
you're sixteen."
I laugh and fall into deep
platonic love. It's only
later, when I'm lying awake
and keeping my sadly
pathetic little noises of
pain as small as possible,
that I remember to say,
"I'm nineteen."
Collins doesn't hear
and I never correct him
about my age again.
I have a dream that night
and realize April is just
what I ran away from
when I came to the
city, that I ran right into the
arms of my nightmare—and
the truth is that I knew, that
I was too scared, that it was
familiar, that it was comfortable
no matter ho much I hated it.
I'm the same little boy, and
I still cry at night from the same
bad dreams.
To be continued!
And thank you to everyone who reviews. I really appreciate it.