Chapter 12
The black dress stuck to the contours of Haley's body. She hated the dress almost as much as she hated the day and leaving Nathan. But just like she was compelled to leave him, so she was compelled to wear the dress. It wasn't that she hated the colour or the way it had been designed to fit her body. No, it was the thought of wearing it to the funeral… to the one time and place where she couldn't act. Where she couldn't close herself off from the world. With Channing she had always been able to close herself off when the time called for it. It was easier with him, he had not known her history of the white house. And if she was brutally honest with herself…he hadn't, and maybe still didn't, know her. But back in the house with the people that knew her the best had shown Haley just how hard it was to close them out.
She stared at herself in the mirror, trying so hard to see Haley James in it. But all she saw was Haley James, actress and singer. She hated the dress for making her look like some Hollywood royalty. Hated it because she suddenly felt like she was drowning in a sea of guilt.
Guilt for what had happened.
Guilt for leaving.
Guilt for not spending enough time with Karen.
Guilt for Taylor.
Guilt for moving on with Channing.
Guilt for never have stopped loving Nathan.
Haley tugged on the dress with all her might and felt the material start to tear under her long and slender fingers. Tears stained her perfectly made up face as she tore the dress even further until she fell to the ground before the mirror – pieces of black material falling at her side.
Channing was supposed to be there.
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Nathan stood in front of his own mirror as he fiddled with the tie around his neck. How he hated funerals. But it wasn't like he couldn't go. The tie felt like it was choking the life out of Nathan…and he had to stop himself from chuckling as the irony of it hit him. It was having Haley so close to him that was choking the life out of him. That…and the fact that the two amazing eyes of that little girl haunted his dreams. When he closed his eyes he saw them and he didn't know if he should feel rage or fear. He grabbed his tie and yanked it off – unbuttoning the top button.
The sound of muffled cries drifted into his room and he immediately sensed who it was. It was funny how it worked. Peyton cried and Jake was there. Brooke cried and it was some of the only times she let Lucas hold her. Now when Haley cried he knew it was he – the only one that could lessen her pain.
He found her on the floor in a heap and as he neared her he could hear her whispering softly into the air.
"Why did it have to happen to Karen? Why did He take her away?"
Nathan felt his heart break as he moved closer to her. Her eyes darted over to him but it was like his appearance didn't register in her mind. He shifted his hands around her waist and carefully picked her up. She stood on her feet but soon lost balance and fell into Nathan. Their bodies sizzled at the closeness but neither one could think about that right now.
Nathan picked Haley up in one swift motion and carried her towards his room. Steadily he helped the crying woman out of her ruined dress. He walked over to his closet – pulling out a black summer dress that Haley had once left there – and returned to her side. Slowly but surely he helped her put the dress on. Nathan wiped her tears away and brought her some make-up remover. He untied her hair and let his hands comb through it. And when it was all finally over Haley rested her head on his shoulder and breathed out a thank you.
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The funeral felt like it took hours and when they all finally stood around the grave it was like everything they had felt over the years pulled into that one moment.
Peyton clutched onto her husband with all her might – the only one there who had no idea as to what the five of them were feeling.
Lucas' arms were securely around Brooke's shoulders as she cried sadly into his chest.
Nathan hadn't let go of Haley for one single second since they had entered the church. His arms were around her waist and she was glad because it felt to her life she could not move a single bone in her body – in fear that she was so fragile it would break. She cried as they lowered Karen's coffin into the ground and quickly turned in Nathan's arms so she was facing him. Within seconds Nathan pulled her into his chest and she sobbed into his chest. His arms completely surrounded her small body – which he would later admit was causing him to worry. Her weight loss was not looking so good. But he held on to her in that moment. Their grief bringing them together. Nathan making up for Channing not being there…not having called. And in the seconds that they stood there they both realized…
How easy it was to go back into the habit of loving each other.