Chapter 15
''I brought you some ice.'' Nikita said.
''Thank you so much.''
Lily passed the ice over her swollen lip, not quite hiding a grimace of pain and looked at her host not knowing where the conversation would go from this point. She felt tormented, perhaps a little humiliated at being seen in such a state, and began doubting if her impulse to seek refuge here was a helpful or sensible one. The entire event was all so blurred now.
''Do you want talk about it?''
With a powerful jolt, both dread and relief gripped her stomach at the yet expected question. There were so many secrets and so many deceptions in her life lately, and the awareness of finally being completely free to talk honestly about her emotions was a welcome stranger. Nikita was a comforting presence and she knew that a simple 'No' wouldn't be taken as offense. She could be silent but was that what she really wanted?
Lily leaned back, tapping her mouth with the wrapped ice.
''I didn't expect it would be pleasant, but it was much worse than I imagined. I have never seen Edward so angry. It was as if he was... a stranger, so full of... fury. The way he looked at me, it was obvious he loathes me more than any other human being he has ever known. The things he said... he wanted to know all the details, how it happened, where, when... why. He wanted know why the most. What kind of answer could I have given?''
Lily was on the verge of crying again and, pushing aside the sensation of helplessness, Nikita realized that there was really little else she could do except listen. It was difficult for her watching people when they cried. It caused her to feel that their suffering could somehow penetrate her and become a part of her permanently.
''It wasn't a good reason for hitting you Lily."
''I think he was more shocked than I was. He was completely out of control and knew it. He practically pushed me out the door before he started to realize what was happening.''
Lily held her head between her hands looking a lot more tired and spent than Nikita remembered ever having seen her. The end of this marriage would be a tragedy affecting those directly involved and the probable intrusion of her relatives.
''You lied to him for an entire year. It was probably unfair demanding more of him, although this wasn't justified. ''
Nikita allowed a forced smirk to show on her lips; there was no significant amount of understanding between her and Edward Davis, an egocentric and ambitious man in her opinion. However, it didn't prevent her from sympathizing with his anguish because, if nothing else, he did everything in his power to make his consort happy or from admitting he was far from being violent and impulsive. At one time, she had admired and envied the peaceful coexistence that Lily and Edward had with each other and she could not comprehend the shock he must have experienced at learning how his wife had consciously betrayed him for one year, was now running off with this man and was pregnant with his child!
But it wasn't her business and true friends should accept the other's faults. Appreciating only the good points makes anybody useful and not a real friend. Besides, Lily already looked upset enough on her own, Nikita mused looking at her friend nervously running her fingers through her raven hair.
''It's not that. In Edward's eyes what Orson and I did was a criminal act against his good faith, and I wanted to explain to him that it wasn't like that but there was no way he would listen. I fell in love with Orson, I would die for him and we will have a baby conceived from this love. I don't know how such happiness could be born out of such pain. We always justified ourselves saying it was inevitable but now I wonder if we had the right to do what we did.''
''I don't believe there is anything you can do for Edward now except give him the time he needs to heal. You can't change the past, can you?''
Nikita took Lily's hand and shook it like they had done when they were very young and one saw the other crying.
Lily gave a sad and tender smile. ''I'm sorry I involved you in this debacle. I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't consider the trouble I could cause other people. It wasn't meant to become your problem.''
''Leave it alone. We can always blame it on hormones, right?'' Nikita gave a wave with her hand and her impish grin squeezed a chuckle out of Lily. "Right?"
"Thank you; jokes and crying aside.''
Nikita dismissed the thanks and persuaded her to lie down while she cooked lunch because ''the early stage of pregnancy is delicate and she had every intention of grabbing something to eat before returning to work anyway.''
It felt good puttering in the kitchen with Lily resting on the couch while her ugly and often absent red cat, Spike, wandered curiously between her legs. She liked the familiarity present in cooking for someone, more so because her work kept her out of her home a lot. It took her back to when her mother was teaching and her father sat at the table reading his newspaper and wrinkling his nose.
While they ate, Lily said she was meeting Orson tomorrow and added that he was leaving the home where he lived with his wife and son and would move in with Lily the same day. They would take up residence in what had been their hideout for their clandestine trysts.
Nikita mostly listened.
After lunch, they parted with a hug. Nikita was content that Lily looked better than she did earlier, and her drive back felt different than her drive home. Lily and her were the same age, however, Lily was divorcing her husband, moving in with and carrying her lover's child, a man whom, according to her "she would die for". When she was younger and thought about her future, Nikita had vividly imagined that she would be swept off her feet by a wonderful man and would live in a beautiful house like the one where she grew up: a place safe and warm, a place to call ''home''. Wasn't that every woman's dream, feminist or not? She didn't regret any of the choices she had made; she considered her life rather successful: In her profession she traveled a lot and got to see some interesting places. She liked her lifestyle, being so completely absorbed in the case at hand that she could 'feel' her brain feverishly searching for all the right connections, the teamwork, the adrenaline pulsating through her veins. She loved her job and was proud of being damn good at it. She loved New York, although she wasn't born there, because it was the city that didn't sleep, because it was turbulent and gigantic, the capital of the American dream. What was it they said? If you can make it there you can make it anywhere -- and she had made it!
Had she ever been ready and willing to die for a man?
The answer was no, and it wasn't difficult to arrive at this answer. Nikita was a firm believer that nobody could invent happiness for her that wasn't there. People were born alone and died alone with the choices they made. If they were lucky, there would be someone to share the journey.
It hadn't been like that with Egram, and she had instinctively known this because not once had she ever imagined sharing her entire life with him. Never once had he figured as a permanent element in her mind. The more elusive he was, the more she wanted to please him, the more gratified she was by his ministrations when he came back to her. Their affair had been highly physical, the circumstances leaving time for little else and the constant shift of the balance of power between them had been like a drug.
She wouldn't die for Egram, even when she saw him as the one human being on earth who could possibly love her like she wanted to be loved. It was information she filed away for future reference, as she put her foot inside the door of the Samuelle Investigations offices.
They occupied an entire floor in a respectable building. When they took possession of the space, there had been a lot of restoration work to do, but it had been worth all the time and energy. Every single spot in the office was now as dear to Nikita as her apartment and not only because she spent most of her waking time there.
''I brought you some ice.'' Nikita said.
''Thank you so much.''
Lily passed the ice over her swollen lip, not quite hiding a grimace of pain and looked at her host not knowing where the conversation would go from this point. She felt tormented, perhaps a little humiliated at being seen in such a state, and began doubting if her impulse to seek refuge here was a helpful or sensible one. The entire event was all so blurred now.
''Do you want talk about it?''
With a powerful jolt, both dread and relief gripped her stomach at the yet expected question. There were so many secrets and so many deceptions in her life lately, and the awareness of finally being completely free to talk honestly about her emotions was a welcome stranger. Nikita was a comforting presence and she knew that a simple 'No' wouldn't be taken as offense. She could be silent but was that what she really wanted?
Lily leaned back, tapping her mouth with the wrapped ice.
''I didn't expect it would be pleasant, but it was much worse than I imagined. I have never seen Edward so angry. It was as if he was... a stranger, so full of... fury. The way he looked at me, it was obvious he loathes me more than any other human being he has ever known. The things he said... he wanted to know all the details, how it happened, where, when... why. He wanted know why the most. What kind of answer could I have given?''
Lily was on the verge of crying again and, pushing aside the sensation of helplessness, Nikita realized that there was really little else she could do except listen. It was difficult for her watching people when they cried. It caused her to feel that their suffering could somehow penetrate her and become a part of her permanently.
''It wasn't a good reason for hitting you Lily."
''I think he was more shocked than I was. He was completely out of control and knew it. He practically pushed me out the door before he started to realize what was happening.''
Lily held her head between her hands looking a lot more tired and spent than Nikita remembered ever having seen her. The end of this marriage would be a tragedy affecting those directly involved and the probable intrusion of her relatives.
''You lied to him for an entire year. It was probably unfair demanding more of him, although this wasn't justified. ''
Nikita allowed a forced smirk to show on her lips; there was no significant amount of understanding between her and Edward Davis, an egocentric and ambitious man in her opinion. However, it didn't prevent her from sympathizing with his anguish because, if nothing else, he did everything in his power to make his consort happy or from admitting he was far from being violent and impulsive. At one time, she had admired and envied the peaceful coexistence that Lily and Edward had with each other and she could not comprehend the shock he must have experienced at learning how his wife had consciously betrayed him for one year, was now running off with this man and was pregnant with his child!
But it wasn't her business and true friends should accept the other's faults. Appreciating only the good points makes anybody useful and not a real friend. Besides, Lily already looked upset enough on her own, Nikita mused looking at her friend nervously running her fingers through her raven hair.
''It's not that. In Edward's eyes what Orson and I did was a criminal act against his good faith, and I wanted to explain to him that it wasn't like that but there was no way he would listen. I fell in love with Orson, I would die for him and we will have a baby conceived from this love. I don't know how such happiness could be born out of such pain. We always justified ourselves saying it was inevitable but now I wonder if we had the right to do what we did.''
''I don't believe there is anything you can do for Edward now except give him the time he needs to heal. You can't change the past, can you?''
Nikita took Lily's hand and shook it like they had done when they were very young and one saw the other crying.
Lily gave a sad and tender smile. ''I'm sorry I involved you in this debacle. I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't consider the trouble I could cause other people. It wasn't meant to become your problem.''
''Leave it alone. We can always blame it on hormones, right?'' Nikita gave a wave with her hand and her impish grin squeezed a chuckle out of Lily. "Right?"
"Thank you; jokes and crying aside.''
Nikita dismissed the thanks and persuaded her to lie down while she cooked lunch because ''the early stage of pregnancy is delicate and she had every intention of grabbing something to eat before returning to work anyway.''
It felt good puttering in the kitchen with Lily resting on the couch while her ugly and often absent red cat, Spike, wandered curiously between her legs. She liked the familiarity present in cooking for someone, more so because her work kept her out of her home a lot. It took her back to when her mother was teaching and her father sat at the table reading his newspaper and wrinkling his nose.
While they ate, Lily said she was meeting Orson tomorrow and added that he was leaving the home where he lived with his wife and son and would move in with Lily the same day. They would take up residence in what had been their hideout for their clandestine trysts.
Nikita mostly listened.
After lunch, they parted with a hug. Nikita was content that Lily looked better than she did earlier, and her drive back felt different than her drive home. Lily and her were the same age, however, Lily was divorcing her husband, moving in with and carrying her lover's child, a man whom, according to her "she would die for". When she was younger and thought about her future, Nikita had vividly imagined that she would be swept off her feet by a wonderful man and would live in a beautiful house like the one where she grew up: a place safe and warm, a place to call ''home''. Wasn't that every woman's dream, feminist or not? She didn't regret any of the choices she had made; she considered her life rather successful: In her profession she traveled a lot and got to see some interesting places. She liked her lifestyle, being so completely absorbed in the case at hand that she could 'feel' her brain feverishly searching for all the right connections, the teamwork, the adrenaline pulsating through her veins. She loved her job and was proud of being damn good at it. She loved New York, although she wasn't born there, because it was the city that didn't sleep, because it was turbulent and gigantic, the capital of the American dream. What was it they said? If you can make it there you can make it anywhere -- and she had made it!
Had she ever been ready and willing to die for a man?
The answer was no, and it wasn't difficult to arrive at this answer. Nikita was a firm believer that nobody could invent happiness for her that wasn't there. People were born alone and died alone with the choices they made. If they were lucky, there would be someone to share the journey.
It hadn't been like that with Egram, and she had instinctively known this because not once had she ever imagined sharing her entire life with him. Never once had he figured as a permanent element in her mind. The more elusive he was, the more she wanted to please him, the more gratified she was by his ministrations when he came back to her. Their affair had been highly physical, the circumstances leaving time for little else and the constant shift of the balance of power between them had been like a drug.
She wouldn't die for Egram, even when she saw him as the one human being on earth who could possibly love her like she wanted to be loved. It was information she filed away for future reference, as she put her foot inside the door of the Samuelle Investigations offices.
They occupied an entire floor in a respectable building. When they took possession of the space, there had been a lot of restoration work to do, but it had been worth all the time and energy. Every single spot in the office was now as dear to Nikita as her apartment and not only because she spent most of her waking time there.