Chapter Eight: From good to Bad
"Are you serious? When? How, and…oh my god with…" Laura stammered as Lily told her what had happened the following week in Charms Class. Professor Flitwick didn't even notice that they were talking. Perhaps he didn't mind seeing they had finished their work in the first half hour of class. "Lily, this is big news," Laura said with a laugh. "Your all grown up" she said jokingly. "I'm jealous, you…when you were dating someone else! Its so, not like you Lily, your like…the most well behaved girl in this school and then last week. God, that's a record that can never be broken little missy!" Laura laughed loudly and pocked Lily in the stomach. Causing her to jump up from her seat and wriggle away. Lily was the ticklish type.
"Laura, cut it okay! We don't want the whole class to know…and John doesn't even know!" Lily whispered and she felt her new self-emerging and being created as the days went by. Ever since that day she had changed to being a more reckless girl. "I'm still the same me in here, just with a little modifications…you know…" Lily giggled and charmed a normal muggle picture to move around and talk.
"Hey Lil, What's going on? You seem all giddy lately…" John said walking over to her. He placed a firm hand on her shoulder and Lily wriggled away. "Lily what's wrong? Are you still mad at me for not going to dinner with you last week, when I was studying…" John asked carefully.
"Not now John" Lily said forcefully and smiled in what was meant to be a sympathetic way. However it came off much colder than she meant it to be.
"Okay" John said backing off and walking back to his seat.
"Laura," Lily said solemnly. "I'm getting really easily irked by him right now…I don't know why…It's just, everything he does…he can't do it right. You know? He's just so…boring" Lily said quietly to Laura. She saw Laura looked shocked.
"Lily, you should…I don't know what you should do okay? He's…he really likes you, and-why did you kiss him in the room if…if you don't like him?" Laura asked confused and suddenly it hit her.
"Laura, I'm not talking about Him, I'm talking about John!" Lily said with a laugh and looked over her shoulder at where James and Sirius were working. They still hadn't managed to make their pictures work correctly. She sighed and looked forward again, "I think he's grown on me…"
That night Lily went down to dinner, she had been summoning food and eating it alone for quite a while. She was cramming all her work and making sure to study for her NEWTs. She didn't want to fail, but people kept saying she'd never fail. She walked down and sat next to James for the first time since the first year feast. On the first day she sat next to him, and he had pulled on her two braids. Lily didn't understand then that he had liked her. However now, it was written everywhere and she could read it so easily.
"Hey James!" She said smiling sitting down next to him. "Did you get the picture to move yet?" She asked looking over at him with a playful expression dancing in her eyes. She knew she could help him with the spell, it was a simple spell but you had to cast it the right way…or else it could end very sloppily.
"No" he replied not looking up at her. Lily could feel he wasn't in a good mood and it scarred her. She didn't know what was wrong. She didn't understand James Potter.
"Oh, well…if you want I could help" she said carefully and took a sip of her Pumpkin juice. He didn't respond and Lily sent Laura a pleading expression. She needed to know what was wrong. She needed to know if it was something that she had done. She finished her dinner quickly and smiles at everyone. "Well, I'm off…have fun" she said quietly and left. She didn't want to be sitting next to someone who talked less than an un-charmed rock. Lily walked up the stairs and not halfway up tears began to fall from her eyes. She didn't get him. She needed to get out.
Lily turned around and went outside. She walked down to the lake, which shone with a light of its own. She sat on a rock that she had always sat on when she needed time for herself. She sat there starring out into the deep depths of the lake; it's dark surface gleaming with an iridescent blue light. After a little while the tears ceased to come. The sky was a rich color of light blue, dark blue, purple, and all the colors of early evening. "Why does this happen?" she asked out loud and looked at the sparkling stars above her head. She looked at the stars for a while, watching how they gleamed and glistened. She heard the sound of grass crunching under someone's feet and looked up to see someone walking over to her.
James immerged from the darkness and walked over to her side. "Lily, we need to talk," he said firmly. Lily blinked and looked up at him. She knew that this would happen sometime. She dind't know it would be tonight.
"Sure" she said and looked at the lake. She couldn't bear looking him in the eyes. It would be too much for her to handle. She wouldn't be the one who started talking. She knew this better than anyone else knew it.
"Lily, I don't think this is…" James trailed off and didn't continue to speak at all.
"Right" Lily finished off his sentence. "What potter…do you mean you don't know if its right, if were right…if what were doing is right…or is it that you don't think we should do anything at all…Tell me" she said and looked over at him. She saw from the light of the lake, that he looked as if he was punched in the gut with her words.
"Lily, you have a boyfriend…I can't its not right" he said and looked at her in the eyes. Lily turned away and looked at the lake again. She didn't want to give herself the pleasure of looking him in the eyes.
"You don't think that troubles me too…I don't know how it happens Potter…but it does" Lily snapped and jumped off the rock and landed on the opposite side of the rock than that James was standing next to. He had moved closer to her, too close for her comfort at that time.
Lily and James had been sneaking off to the room of requirements on a daily basis now. It was fun, but afterwards every time it ended…Lily felt a ball of guilt building up in her stomach and getting tighter and tighter and bigger…It made her feel like she wasn't worth loving. She dind't know why she let herself sink so low.
"Potter, I have to go" she said with a snap and walked off. She heard footsteps behind her getting closer and as she heard them she sped up. She was nearly to the main entrance when the footsteps were right on her trail.
She swiveled around in her stop to see who was chasing her. To her surprise it was Laura running up to her. "Lily wh-what happened…I follow James, I dind't hear anything. But I saw you leaving…and I knew you needed to talk…" Laura panted putting an arm on Lily's shoulder.
Lily walked up to the common room with Laura and told her what had happened…how they had fought…how everything was different again. It was all falling back into the 'I hate you phase' that they had been stuck in for so long. "I hate this" Lily said as they walked into the common room.
Lily went and sat with Laura in the corner of the room. They sat there for hours talking until Laura left. After Laura left, Lily fell asleep on the chair for a while. She woke to the feeling of someone touching her. She looked up to see John sitting next to her, cradling her body. She didn't know why but it made her angry for this to happen.
"Hi John" she said coldly. She saw how he pulled away as she said his name. "Sorry, I've had a rough day" she said quietly. She wasn't lying. However, it was more a rough few hours than a whole day.
"I'm sorry…is there anything I can do to help" John asked and began to play with her hair. He leaned down to kiss her but she moved away and sat up. "What's wrong?" John asked confused looking at Lily.
"John, I can't do this." Lily said firmly. She wriggled completely out of his arms and sat down next to him. "John, I-We need to talk." Lily looked at him in his plain old brown eyes and couldn't see what she saw in them before.
"What's wrong Lily?" John asked looking like he suspected something was array. He was too late. He was far too late.
"John, I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, things have come up…I can't deal with us anymore. I'm so sorry" Lily said and kept hold of his eyes. She saw how his expression changed from shocked to hurt and back to shock again.
"Your breaking up with me" he said coldly and looked over to her. "What happened between us…who came between us Lily?" John asked loudly. Lily gulped as she saw how hurt he was. She dind't want to hurt him.
"Its not anyone else John! It's me okay! I need this, your too jealous all of the time!" Lily snapped and didn't mind that there were still people in the common room. John tried to hug her but she moved away and jumped off of the chair. "John why don't you get it! Back off a bit. You're smothering me right now…I need time, I need space…" Lily said as calmly as she could. She had to bite her tongue from saying I need a lot of space…
"Lily" John said confused and looked up to her, his eyes watery. "Why are you leaving me?" John asked and Lily smiled at him softly. "Wh-what's wrong with me?" John asked and looked up at her. She could see the tears were about to come.
"JOHN! I told you already, its me not you! John, the only thing is…your too possessive of me…your too jealous! I just need space, I need time and I need to be alone." Lily said and looked at him. "I'm sorry I don't want to hurt you, its just I need my space. Can we still be friends?" Lily asked concerned.
"Oh you want to be friends?" John snapped and looked up at her. "Sure, lets forget this ever happened! And be friends!" He said coldly. Each word was thrown at her in a strong cold way.
"John!" Lily said concerned.
"Good night!" John snapped and got up and left the common room. Lily looked around and saw that the only people left in the room were all staring at her. All the people were in the dark shadows. Yet she could feel all of their eyes.
She walked up the stairs to her dormitory and the tears began to fall. She didn't understand how she could do this. She didn't know why she dumped him, but she had. It was done, there was no way undoing what had been done.
The week was hard. However she had to keep going. She knew, that it was for the best. She needed this, and she didn't want to break down and fall off the beaten path. She knew that if she had stayed with John life would just get more complicated. Everything was up in the air then, and now she finally felt more settled. She had less to worry about. She was lucky though, and she knew it. She wasn't attached to John, not as much as she could have been.