Lying to Myself
Chapter six – The Casualty
Harry, Ron and Seamus sat at Hagrid's table, absolutely exhausted. They had all been up through the night, searching for Hermione to no avail. Harry sipped at his glass, letting the warm liquid flow down his throat. The sun was due to rise in just a few short hours and the three knew they had to get back to their dorms. Hagrid continued to look at the ground.
"I don't know where Hermione could have gone," Ron started, exasperated. The other three just shook their heads. They had checked every place they could. Using Harry's invisibility cloak they checked all over the castle and then all of the school grounds. It occurred to all of them that she could be in serious danger. They had checked the Forbidden Forest as well but again had no luck. Seamus hung his head over his steaming mug and breathed in deeply.
"This is entirely my fault," he groaned into his cup.
"Don't be stupid, Seamus," Harry groaned. "Hermione would never run off like this over some fight with you."
"I don't think she ran off at all," Ron chimed in. "Someone took her."
Hagrid looked up.
"Do you think you-know-who has her?" Hagrid asked the boys, looking more than a little perturbed.
"My scar hasn't hurt at all lately," Harry replied, feeling the scar on his forehead. "If Voldemort had her, you would think I would feel something."
Ron looked at his three friends with his eyes wide. "You don't think Snape kidnapped her, do you?"
All four were silent for a moment as they thought of all the possibilities.
"Whatever happened," Hagrid replied after a short while, "they're both missing."
"We better get to the castle," Seamus said, getting up. He didn't want to think about it any more. He had no idea where Hermione was and the harsh sting of guilt tugged at him. He couldn't help but think that if Hermione wasn't mad at him she would have been at the dance, and if she came to the dance, none of this would have happened. He wanted to be able to protect her but just proved that he couldn't. Harry and Ron got up too, following the boy out of Hagrid's home and towards the castle.
0o0o0o0o0
"Will you stop the racket?" Severus yelled, unable to ignore the girl any longer. Hermione didn't even look back at him; she continued to scream out at the top of her lungs hoping someone would hear her. Snape would have stuck his fingers in his ears if it wouldn't look so ridiculous. It didn't help that all her screaming echoed in the large pit, making the noise twice, if not even three times as loud. He wanted to strangle the girl, but instead he took out his piece of parchment and started taking off five points for ever second his ears rang. It wasn't that he wanted to be stuck in this hole, but at the same time he knew no one could hear them. If someone could, they would have been rescued days ago. Picking up a book he tried to read again, but failed. There was no possibility of concentrating with Miss Granger screaming like a banshee.
"Miss Granger!" Severus yelled again.
"SHHH!" Hermione shushed loudly, looking back at him with a finger to her lips.
"Excuse me?!" he roared. Had she just shushed him? Ten points from Gryffindor!
"SHHHHHHHH!" Hermione shushed louder this time, waving her hand at him and looking back to the entrance of the hole.
Snape was shocked. This girl, this student had just shushed him, twice, after yelling at the top of her lungs for over an hour! Where did she get the nerve to think she could shush him!
"Do you hear that?" Hermione asked, looking back at Snape quickly before turning her ear to the hole's opening once more.
Snape stopped his inner rant to try and listen for a moment. Yes, he could hear something. In the distance he heard a man calling. He couldn't make out what was being yelled, but it was definitely someone. Slowly, he could hear the calling getting louder and realized that whoever it was, was going to be able to find them.
"Well don't just stand there! Yell, you stupid girl," Snape commanded.
Hermione didn't care that he was insulting her this time, all she cared about was being found. So, she yelled.
"Help!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. "Help me! I'm trapped in a hole!" Stopping, she could hear the man come closer, could hear his noisy foot steps. Hope filled her.
"Help me! I'm trapped in a hole… With Professor Snape!" She made it sound like he was what she needed help from, rather than him needing help out too.
Both heard the footsteps stop at the hole. Hermione was ecstatic. They were going to be saved. Snape got up and walked over to the hole's entrance, looking up at the fallen tree above them.
"Do you have a rope?" he asked the stranger.
"Well, look what we 'ave 'ere!" exclaimed Hagrid from above them. "Wonder what knocked this tree down," he mused, before starting to walk around it.
"Hagrid! Down here!" Hermione called up, seeing the legs of the half giant. He didn't seem to hear her as he began moving on. The heard him call her name again, obviously looking for her in exasperation.
Hermione's heart sank.
"Why didn't he hear me?" she asked no one, sitting down in the dirt and putting her head in her hands.
"Obviously, the hole is charmed," Snape replied. "I'm surprised a know-it-all like you didn't figure it out."
Hermione looked up, not even thinking to glare at the man. "Why would it be charmed?" she asked, the evidence of all hope lost in her eyes.
"Why would there be a giant hole in the middle of no where?" he asked back, scoffing and sitting down by the remnants of the fire once more. Picking up his book he started to read again, thankful for the silence around him.
"We're doomed," she groaned, putting her head between her legs. "I'm going to die in this pit, with you," she glared at Snape, silently accusing him of everything. Snape ignored her and continued to read his book. His ears perked though when he started to hear her faint sobbing.
"I'm not that bad," Snape said sarcastically.
"Yes, you are," she replied, wiping her nose on her dirtied sleeve. Looking at him she could see his lips form a smirk.
"How can you not care?" Hermione asked, standing to go sit across from him. "You're going to die in this hell hole and you don't care."
Snape flipped a page in his book, and Hermione figured he was set on ignoring her.
"When you've lived my life," he replied slowly, his eyes still on his book, "you come to realize that death isn't a bad option."
Hermione sat silently, staring at her potions professor across from her. She knew he had a hard life. Being a spy could never be considered easy. Yet she had never considered what toll it had on him. She supposed she had never really thought to care due to what a git he was to her. Looking at him she could see the faint scar that ran across his cheek and wondered where it came from. She could only guess he had more scars where she could not see. She couldn't imagine pretending to be friends with someone like Malfoy in order to leak information to Harry. She would hate every second of it. And what if she was caught? What if Snape was caught? Slowly it dawned on her that even if this man didn't care if he lived or died, he did care enough to save everyone else. To help the light defeat the dark.
"Is that why you're such a git?" she asked out loud before she could stop herself.
"Is that why you're so annoying?" Snape drawled back as he picked up his parchment and took off a few points from her house.
"Oh, will you stop that?" She asked, rolling her eyes at the paper and quill in front of him. Snape just pocketed the parchment and went about reading the book again.
Hermione sighed and went through her pants bag. Eventually she picked out a book for herself and read as she munched on some beans. For a second she thought about offering some to Snape, and then thought better of it. If he wanted some, he could ask. And say please while he was at it.
0o0o0o0
A group of Gryffindors sat in their common room, discussing the matter of one Hermione Granger. Harry sat on the couch with Ron on his left and Ginny on his right. Dean, Seamus, Lavender, Pavarti, and Neville crowded around and completed the circle.
"Well, after this whole week it's been kind of obvious that Snape can't stand Hermione," Harry said. The rest of them all nodded their heads.
"You don't think he killed her and ran off, do you?" Neville asked, shuddering at the thought.
"No, more like he's using her for potions experiments," Dean replied, before looking to Harry.
"I wouldn't doubt that Hermione just got fed up with Snape and offed him," Ginny said, nodding her head in approval at her own theory. "Now she's hiding so she doesn't have to go to Azkaban."
Harry shook his head. "Hermione would never skip a class. Whatever has happened, she's trapped some where. Someone has taken her."
"Well what about you-know-who," Pavarti chimed in, looking wide eyed. "He could have taken her."
"And then ran off with Snape," Ron added.
"He can't be anywhere near here;" Harry corrected, "my scar isn't hurting."
"Well what if he use his connections. What if Snape kidnapped her and took her to him."
Harry nodded slowly. "I don't think it was Snape though."
Neville snorted.
"If it was Snape, I think Dumbledore would have some idea of it. Snape may be a git, a complete git at that, but he's on our side."
"Could have fooled me," Ron huffed.
"So whoever took Hermione has Snape too?" Pavarti asked, looking to Harry.
"Maybe they joined a circus and are now called Mocha and Mione," Lavender said.
All eyes were on Lavender. Ginny was the first to blink.
"Them running off together to get eloped is more likely than that," Ginny said, laughing at Lavender.
"And that is not even a possibility," Seamus replied. Harry looked at Seamus, surprised he had said anything. He hadn't really spoken much all day since they had come back from Hagrid's that morning.
"So then," Ginny trailed off.
"We need to find whoever kidnapped Hermione, we find them, we find her." Harry stated, jutting out his chin.
The group nodded and all got up for lunch. Harry and Ron were the last to walk out the Gryffindor exit.
"Harry," Ron said tentatively. "You sure Snape wouldn't have taken her?"
Harry looked back at his friend and shook his head. He couldn't be sure of anything right then, especially Snape. It was too much of a coincidence for his disappearance to be at the same time as Hermione's for it not to be related. He just didn't know what linked the two together. Was Snape holding her captive? Or were they both just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe Snape was captured and Hermione saw and tried to do something about it. All Harry knew right then was that he needed to find Hermione.
Ron walked past Harry and out the door where Seamus waited, shuffling his feet. Ron nodded to Seamus and together they started toward the Great Hall, Harry following behind them. What they didn't see was a very smug Malfoy standing behind them.
0o0o0o0o
Severus looked back up at Hermione with disdain. He wasn't sure what she was doing, and that frustrated him. He knew asking would make it seem like he cared and talking would make it seem like he was up for conversation. Instead he peered up from the corner of his book and watched her as she scribbled in her notebook and eventually started to collect small pebble sized rocks – dark ones and light ones. When she looked over to him he quickly immersed himself in the book, and silently cursed himself when he saw her walking towards him. The last thing he needed was her asking him why he kept staring at her. Why did he keep staring at her? After quick contemplation he realized that being stuck in a hole for a period of time messed with a person's brain. Slowly he looked up to see a pair of knobby knees at his eye level.
"I need you to move your foot," she stated, looking down at the man.
Severus pressed his foot against the ground as hard as he could and asked, "why?"
"Because you're stepping on a rock I need," she answered, bending down in hopes of snatching the rock up from under his shoe.
"How do you know this isn't my rock?" Snape quickly released his foot and picked the rock up, rolling it between his fingers. "I quite like this rock, and I do believe it's mine."
Hermione whispered 'grow up' to herself and walked away in hopes of finding a different rock.
0o0o0o0
"Where's Pavarti?" Lavender asked Dean as they sat down to lunch. She had thought they all walked to the Great Hall together, but then realized she was too busy talking to Dean to notice her friend was not with them. Harry and Ron shrugged their shoulders and continued to eat. Seamus was too morose to care.
"Fine, I'll go look for her," Lavender said, getting up from the table and glaring at the uncaring boys. Dean stood up too.
"I'll come with you."
Together the two walked towards the common room, thinking that maybe the missing girl had forgotten something in her room and gone back for it. Halfway to their dorms however, they bumped into her.
"Oh!" Pavarti exclaimed. "What are you two doing back here?"
"To get you," Lavender answered. "Where'd you go?"
"I forgot my bag in my room," she explained. "I had to go back and get it but here I am." There was a slight pause until Pavarti exclaimed, "I'm starving!"
The three walked back to the Great Hall, Lavender and Dean laughing and Pavarti deep in thought.
0o0o0o0
Snape had returned to his book and after a while looked back up to see his student looking around once again. He was beginning to become utterly bored and looked down at the book again. It was no use reading; he knew every word to the book. If he wanted, he could recite it out loud a thousand times. Grunting, he threw down the book and crossed his arms. Light was starting to fade from the hole and he knew he would have to start a fire soon enough. Looking over to Hermione once more, he saw that she was staring right at him.
"What are you staring at?" he barked. "Ten points from Gryffindor!"
Hermione shook her head. "Do you want to play chess?" she asked.
Snape smirked. "Are you so dim-witted that you can't even remember we're stuck in a hole with no chess board?"
"I made one," Hermione replied, holding up a piece of parchment she drew a chess board on and pointing to the two different shades of rocks. "If we're going to be down here we might as well do something," she added, walking over to him, bringing the game over with her. "Besides, I noticed you weren't very interested in your book anyway." She hid a smile.
Severus stood up to start making the fire. In order to play the game they needed light, and he didn't want the girl complaining about being too cold the entire time. Hitting the two rocks together he created a spark and started to nurse the fire. Slowly the flame began to rise. Sitting back, he looked to his student to see that she had gone back to her original spot, across the room from him. It was obvious she took his lack of answer to mean rejection. She seemed depressed, sitting on the ground, rearranging dirt with the toe of her shoe.
"What are you waiting for?" Snape snapped. "You can't play that silly game by yourself."
Despite his descending tone and rude gesture Hermione's face lit up. She smiled at him before picking up the game and bringing it over to him. Sitting down she handed him one pile of rocks and started placing her rocks into place on the board.
Severus could not remember the last time someone had smiled at him.
0o0o0o0o0
Snape placed his game piece down.
"King me," he said, curbing a smile.
Hermione drew a crown on the top of his rock will her orange ink quill and made her move. This was their third game and also the tie breaker. She had won the first game which had drove Snape crazy, and he won the second one – with sheer will power. To make things interesting Hermione had raised the stakes on the game. Who ever won got Severus' cloak. At first Severus was against the idea, but Hermione convinced him saying it was the only thing useful for them to bet. If he won he would get to keep his teaching robes and if she won she would get them. She wanted to win for the extra warmth it would give at night and he would want to win just to keep the extra layer. So there Snape sat in his black button up shirt and black pants, the robe lying beside the two of them.
Snape stared at the board and moved his rock piece, jumping over one of Hermione's. Hermione moved her piece to the left and Snape moved his to the right. Hermione jumped one of Snape's pieces and Snape jumped Hermione's back. Both were transfixed on the board, watching at it slowly shrank down until Hermione had two kinged pieces on the board and Snape had one.
"It's in your best interest I win," Snape said, moving his piece over towards Hermione's.
"Why is that?" she asked, not bothering to look up at him, but to move her piece one move back away from his.
"Because I'm even more unlivable without my cloak." Snape moved his piece and smirked. No matter where Hermione moved now he would be able to win.
Hermione sighed and moved her piece.
Snape smirked as he jumped both her pieces and looked up at her.
"I won," he gloated and looked over to his cloak, ready to reach over and put it back on.
He could have put it back on too, had it not been rising in flames with the fire.
Snape jumped up and grabbed his cloak, throwing it back to the ground and stomping on it wildly. The cloak was finally extinguished but obviously tattered and burnt. Picking it up, Snape could see that only the collar and the shoulders of the garment remained intact.
"Ten points from Gryffindor!" Snape shouted as he threw the robe at her and stormed off to the other section of the hole. Hermione stood agape for a second before storming after her professor.
"Why is it my fault?!"
"Everything is your fault!" Severus yelled back at her. "We're in a hole: your fault. We have no way to get out: your fault. My cloak is ashes: your fault!"
"We're in a hole you pushed us in. We're stuck in a hole because you can't hold on to your wand. Your cloak is ashes because you put it too close to the fire. I'm miserable because you're insufferable!"
Hermione stormed away and collapsed on the ground where her bag lay. Exhausted, she laid down on the ground and tried to sleep, but only succeeded in silently sobbing. She couldn't hear Snape behind her but knew he hadn't moved. Eventually she fell asleep.
0o0o0o0
Hermione woke to hear Snape's groaning. The fire had resulted to embers but she could see outline of her professor's face and the pain etched across it. He held his arm tightly and remained lying on the ground. Slowly she stood and walked towards him. He did not notice her as she sat down in front of him, watching him clutch at his arm and writhe in pain. She could tell by the way his leg twitched that he could feel the pain all through his body, but his arm was the main source of his anguish.
"What happened?" She asked, looking around to see something that could be the culprit. Severus opened his eyes and could only manage a small gasp before tightly shutting his eyes once more. Blood seeped through the thin material of his shirt and oozed between the fingers that covered his wound. Hermione took great effort in removing the Professor's hand from his arm, flinching as he stifled cries from the agony it caused. Ripping through his sleeve she could see the glaring of the dark mark against his skin. Blood poured from the mark's crevices and dripped onto Hermione's lap. It was then that Hermione realized Severus Snape was being summoned.
Getting up, Hermione used the ripped portion of Snape's sleeve and dipped it in the watery well they had made earlier. She cupped the dripping cloth in her hand as she brought it back over to him and pressed it against the bloody mark in hopes of stopping the blood flow. Snape screamed at her as she applied pressure and tried to push her away, but he was too weak and only managed to fall back. He continued to breathe, yet it was very shallow. His eyes fluttered as if in a state between conscious and unconscious. Ripping another piece of cloth from the hem of her own robe, Hermione wet it and placed it atop of his forehead. His whole body was shuddering, the tips of his fingers twitched.
Hermione ripped one more long piece of fabric and fastened it tight around Severus' bicep. The cloth managed to slow down the bleeding, and Hermione managed to subdue the rest with the pressure of the cloth in her hand. Snape made no more noises of pain or protest and the only reason she was aware he lived was due to the slow rising and falling of his chest. After making sure that he would be okay, Hermione rose to wet the cloth again and place it on Snape's forehead. When she knelt down beside him again she noticed that his breathing had changed. His chest was failing to rise and fall. Putting her cheek near his lips she felt for the flow of air, but none came.
He was not breathing.
0o0o0o0
Seamus sat in the empty common room. He couldn't sleep. He knew somehow it was his fault for Hermione's disappearance. If they hadn't have fought then she would have gone to the dance and she would be with him. Now he had no idea where she could be. He should have been there for her, to protect her. When he found out who did this, they would pay. Exhausted, he laid down on the couch, hoping that maybe sleep could overcome him. Instead, he saw a shadow move around him and sit in front of him. At first he thought it was Hermione, until he saw that it was Pavarti.
"I don't want to talk right now Pavarti," Seamus said before closing his eyes once more.
Pavarti sat down on the table, across from Seamus, ignoring his request.
"I'm sorry about Hermione," she whispered. "I know you two were close."
Seamus was silent.
"I feel terrible about everything. I mean, we didn't really have much in common but I still considered us friends."
Seamus sighed, and continued to try and sleep.
"And I feel terrible for you too," she added, "I mean, this can't be easy on you, loosing the love of your life. How will you move on?"
Seamus sat up.
"It's not really as much that as it's how guilty I feel about this whole thing. I just feel like it's my fault."
"How could it be your fault Seamus?" Pavarti asked, tilting her head. "You've been nothing but wonderful to Hermione."
"We got in a fight," Seamus explained, looking away. "I said some thing I didn't mean and now she's gone. If I hadn't have gotten in that fight with her she would have gone to the dance and everything would be fine right now."
"Oh, Seamus!" Pavarti moved from the couch to sit beside Seamus. "It's really not your fault. If Hermione ran off she was being silly! If someone kidnapped her they would have gotten her at a different time anyway. No one blames you, especially me."
Seamus shook his head and Pavarti moved it so he could rest it on her shoulder.
"I know no one really understands you, Seamus. I heard about your fight with Hermione from Lavender, who heard it from Dean, who heard it from Ron, and you weren't the one in the wrong. Hermione should have been ecstatic about what you did for her. I know I would have been…"
Seamus sat there, his head on Pavarti's shoulder, silent.
"Do you want to go for a walk?" she suggested.
Seamus nodded his head and got up. Both Seamus and Pavarti walked out of the common room.
"Best part is that Professor Snape is missing so we don't have to worry about him roaming the halls."
0o0o0o0
Hermione cursed herself for not having a wand. Severus was dying and she had no wand to do anything about it. Not giving it a second thought, Hermione began to administer CPR. She had learned it in her muggle swimming lesson back at home. Her parents had insisted and now she was glad. Somewhere in the back of her head she thought about being stuck in the hole, accompanied by her dead professor. The thought only encouraged her more. Counting to three she pumped on his chest before going back to breathe air through his mouth.
She continued the procedure for longer than she could keep track. The sun was beginning to rise and she could see the evidence of light pouring through between the branches above the hole.
She knew that by this time there could be no hope for him but she continued anyway. She checked his pulse again, but felt none.
She could not give up.
Quickly Hermione plugged his nose, tilted his head back and pressed her lips to his, letting out two breaths. She placed her hands together on his chest and pressed three times. She went back to his face and breathed. She pumped. She breathed. She pumped. She breathed. She pumped. She checked his pulse.
Nothing.
Hermione sat in the mud and began to sob. She had tried her hardest, for hours but could not save him. All night long she had tried and to no avail. She wouldn't miss his sarcastic remarks or his points taking frenzy. He was not a nice man and she would not miss his company. Yet he was, somewhere, a good man who had done a lot for the side of the light. He had risked his life for years as a spy, so that the rest of the wizarding world could possible find peace. He was courageous. He was brilliant.
He was dead.
A/N: I would like to thank all of those who have taken the time to review. The reviews tend to help keep me writing and on the ball with updates.
realm-creatress: I'm glad you find my story funny, sometimes an author has to wonder just how much of their story is funny, and how much is stupid.
HRInuyashaFan16: Hermione's nightmare wont be talked about for a few chapters to come, but have some patience, bear with me and keep reading and you'll get your answers!
Moonprincess92: I'm glad you think my story is original. I love reading Hr/SS stories but I really do find most of them have the same plot, and the same quick development which is why I'm trying to do it the way I think it should be done! I'm not saying I'm the best writer or person for the job by any means, but I figured I could give it a go. As for reading my story someplace else, you probably have, I have posted it in the astronomy tower and as well as veritaserum. However, these sites tend to take a while to actually post the story on their sites, and so until I finish the story I think I'm going to just stick with it here and see what people think!
Kakashisninjadogs: We'll just see how he'll have to react when the little cousin refuses to be ignored, wont we?
Until next chapter, Pixie-sarah