Lying to Myself
Chapter Seven – The Lonely
Seamus walked down the corridor, Pavarti beside him. It was no longer dark outside, and the light seemed to sparkle at the window pane. They had spent most of the night sitting in an empty classroom talking. Seamus was surprised at how well he could talk to Pavarti. It hadn't been awkward like he expected and he soon realized she was about a lot more than clothes and make-up than Hermione had suggested. He wished they would have found her friendship sooner.
It was surprising how well she understood him. Harry and Ron shared his loss of Hermione, but Pavarti knew exactly how he felt. He didn't have to explain it all to her – she already knew. It was as if she was hurting just as much as he was.
He was just so lonely.
They finally made it to the portrait of the Fat Lady. Seamus opened his mouth to say the password but Pavarti stopped him.
"Seamus…" she began, "I had a wonderful time tonight. I didn't realize just how well we got along."
Seamus nodded his head and smiled. He mumbled the password and waited to follow Pavarti inside.
"Oh, I just realized I forgot my purse in the classroom!" She suddenly realized aloud, and without even looking to Seamus she started to run the other way.
"Do you want me to come with you?" He called after her, but she was already too far off.
0o0o0o0
Hermione sat on the ground at her professor's side. Nothing had changed. She sobbed into her hands. Snape was dead, and there was nothing she could do to change that. She had tried; she had done everything she was capable of. Now, she was alone. She was alone in a hole with no possibility of escape. She knew that eventually she would die too, and she cursed Snape for leaving her to die alone. Not that he was her ideal company, but he was something. She was almost getting used to his snide manner and sarcastic remarks.
Almost.
Hermione thought about Seamus back at Hogwarts. Did he miss her? Was he searching everywhere for her? She could imagine how hard her disappearance must be for him. By herself she would never be able to find a way out and she realized that even though it all seemed grim, she had counted on Snape thinking of something eventually.
Hermione lashed out and hit Snape on the chest with her fist.
"You selfish ba- " Hermione stopped short. She could have sworn she heard a wheeze coming from the Potion Master's lips when she hit him.
0o0o0o0o0
Seamus walked into the common room and moved towards the welcoming couch where he had been sitting just hours earlier when Pavarti had come to him. It was so late, or early depending on how you looked at it, and Seamus was exhausted. He flopped down onto the couch but something hard met him in the small of his back before he could find the comfort he was looking for. Stifling a small yelp of pain, Seamus quickly sat up to look down at the offending pink purse. He could see a small pen (which was actually mascara, but how would he know that?) sticking out of the purse where the zipper gave way just enough for it to poke out. Rubbing his back slightly he put the purse on the adjacent table and laid back down. He didn't know who the purse belonged to but one of the girls would wake up in the morning and find it, and they were more likely to figure it out. Fleetingly he thought of Hermione's pants bag but instantly cleared it from his mind – he didn't need to think about that right now.
Closing his eyes he considered going to his bed but decided against it. Chances are he would wake up one of the boys and he didn't want any questions. He was better of falling asleep on the couch and waking up when the eager first years woke up early for breakfast.
Sometimes, what seemed even hours after he had fallen asleep he thought he heard the portrait of the Fat Lady swing open but his eye lids were too heavy and the fatigue too great to bother looking.
He woke to a first year and got ready for breakfast. The purse was gone and he glad to see that someone must have found it.
0o0o0o
"I am really worried, Albus." Minerva sat down at the desk in front of the Headmaster and tapped her fingers on the hard wood.
"I am trying my hardest," came the sad reply. Albus looked at the worried woman and gave a small smile. He didn't know where they could have gone and all the searches he had requested came back empty. No one had any idea where they could be. Something was very strange, and unless Voldemort had become aware of Severus' status as a spy, he could not be the culprit either. There was something very wrong about the whole situation and he was sure to find out what it was.
"I just don't understand what could have happened," the professor said aloud, trying to somehow comprehend the entire situation.
"Perhaps they've fallen and can't get up," Dumbledore said, trying to make light of the situation.
"That isn't the least bit funny, Albus," Minerva chided.
0o0o0o0o
Hermione put her ear to Snape's lips and listened for breath, but none came. She pressed two fingers to his neck, but no pulse showed. She knew she heard something though, and it gave her hope. She needed to keep trying.
She began CPR again, not thinking of the way her lips touched his – this wasn't romantic in the least. She had probably "kissed" her potions master more than anyone else in her life by now – including Seamus. None of this made a difference however; the only thing she focused on was bringing him back.
Convinced he could live, she kept on going. It didn't matter if she spent the rest of her time trying to bring him back, she would do it.
She had to do it.
Tears streamed down her face as she continued to pump her hands against Severus' chest. Her thoughts were a total blur, and she couldn't think about why she was really crying. She sobbed between each breath she gave him and hiccupped at each exerted force she made to make his heart beat again. She was covered in mud, blood, sweat and tears and dark circles showed under her eyes. Even with her state, she knew she looked ten times better than the man in front of her.
Slowly, hope began to ebb from her as she realized once again that he wasn't coming back. He wasn't going to come back. What she thought had been a wheeze was more or less her imagination. She had failed. She had failed Severus Snape, and she had failed herself. A fresh batch of tears came quickly, as well as the sudden burst of loneliness and foreboding. Without a thought she put her face in her hands and sobbed.
Her tears dripped into a puddle in her hands, where they leaked through her fingers and into the mud at her knees. She wasn't strong enough for this. She couldn't handle being left alone in this pit. She had constantly blamed Snape for everything and thought of him being the worst person to be stuck with. She was wrong. Being alone was much, much worse. She would die alone, with no hope in the world. This wasn't the future she had planned for herself.
Hermione laid down beside the professor, looking out to the top of the hole. There, she hoped for death to just finally consume her.
0o0o0o0
"I found this in the Forbidden Forest, 'eadmaster," Hagrid spoke slowly, handing the piece to Albus.
"Thank you, Hagrid," Dumbledore replied and sat down at his desk, Hagrid continuing to stand across from him.
"This is Severus' wand," Albus spoke to himself, turning the wand over in his hands and examining it.
The Headmaster shook his head slowly and quietly dismissed the half giant. Things were terribly amiss, and knowing that both Hermione and Severus were missing their wands only added to the idea of their danger. Bringing his own wand over that of Severus', he whispered a few words and watched as the tip of his wand turned green. He waited for the other wand to turn green like his own but nothing happened. A frown wrinkled the old wizards face as sadness became him. Pocketing the wand, Dumbledore rose from his chair and headed towards the fireplace. Shortly after, he was speaking with Minerva, his face decorating the fireplace in front of her.
"He's what?" Minerva almost shouted at the Headmaster, standing up from her chair in an instant.
"I'm afraid so, Minerva," came the sad reply.
"Well what about Hermione?"
"When I checked the wand Mr.Potter gave me it showed her to be alive still. Knowing Severus' status however, we should check again."
"Well…?" Minerva asked impatiently, expecting Albus to hop to it.
"I'm afraid Mr.Potter still has her wand, and we should get it right away."
"I'll go fetch him right now," Minerva replied, walking over to her door.
"Minerva?" Dumbledore began, waiting for her to stop.
"Yes?" She asked, turning around.
"Let's keep Severus' departure to ourselves for now."
Professor McGonagall just nodded and walked out the door
0o0o0o0
Harry and Ron walked to their class, slowly discussing what they were going to do about Hermione. Seamus was supposed to meet them at the Fat Lady portrait but didn't show up, so they left without him, not wanting to be late for class. Despite Harry living with the mess of blonde hair for quite some time now, people continued to give him strange looks as they passed. He did not like the attention. One of the first years even brought the paper to him to show him the front page, with a huge smile on his face. "Wonder boy goes blonde" read the bold title and all Harry could do was roll his eyes.
It was more unwanted attention for Harry, as well as the fact he had been mistaken for Malfoy once or twice. He was learning to deal with it however, and Hermione gone missing distracted him more than enough.
"We could go looking for her again tonight," Ron suggested as they turned the corner.
"There has to be something more we can do," Harry replied, obviously frustrated.
"If a bunch of Aurors can't find her…" Ron trailed off and looked at Harry hopelessly. He didn't like the idea much more than Harry, but he couldn't think of any way of finding their long time friend.
Both boys continued to walk to their class in silence, both contemplating the whereabouts of Hermione. They didn't have long to think before Professor McGonagall came up behind them, placing her hands on both of their shoulders.
"The Headmaster would like to see you, Harry," she informed.
Ron looked up at her as if to ask if he was wanted as well but the professor shook her head.
"I'll see you in class, Harry," Ron said before moving on his way.
"Bring Hermione's wand," Minerva whispered to the boy and walked away.
Harry made his way to the Gryffindor tower before heading over to the Headmaster.
0o0o0o0o
Hermione's wand slowly became lit with a green glow in Dumbledore's wrinkled hand. It wasn't as bright as the last time he had checked it, but seeing the light eased the headmaster greatly.
"I would like to hold on to Ms.Granger's wand from now on," Albus informed Harry, looking up. Harry nodded grimly in reply and stood up, ready to be dismissed. Dumbledore just motioned his hand for Harry to sit back down.
Harry sat back down.
"The Aurors are trying their hardest," Dumbledore began, "but I'm afraid they have run out of places to look. They are searching for some sort of sign or lead to continue this, but so far there isn't any."
"They can't just stop," Harry seemed to plead.
"And they won't," the Headmaster reassured. "However, if at any point you know something that could help, please let me know."
"Of course," Harry said.
Dumbledore nodded his head to himself and stood up. Harry was soon to be on his feet as well, and was kindly walked to the door. Giving a small smile, Harry left the room.
0o0o0o0o
Hermione stood up from the ground, deciding it best to dig Severus a grave. It would only be a matter of time before the body started to smell (more than it already did), and the hole in the ground didn't have much for ventilation. Slowly, Hermione made her way to the back of the pit and shuffled through her pants bag, bringing out the spoon. She had decided it would be best to make the grave at the back of the hole rather than the front, under the canopy of branches, and started to dig. She was in no rush to make the grave; she knew that once she had buried the professor she would truly be alone, with not even the sight of another to console her.
The spoon did not make a great shovel, as she had learned from the many other times she had used it, but she hated the feel of the small pebbles in the dirt scraping against her nails, and although using her hands would be faster, she wasn't opting for speed. The continuous sound of the spoon scraping at the dirt became soothing, distracting her from stagnant air and her thoughts.
The tip of the silver spoon pried through the tough dirt, and the mulch tumbled down the started hole, resting at the bottom. After enough substrate collected at the base of the hole, she removed it to the side and began to work away at the sides again. At the pace she was going, it would take her days to make a hole deep enough to be used as a grave. It didn't matter though. Nothing mattered anymore. She was alone, left to die. No one would find her, and no one would be able to dig her grave. She would rot at the bottom of this hole, only the worms for company.
The spoon dinged against something hard, something unlike the small pebbles in the dirt and the hard clumps of clay. It was dark, and smooth, and she leaned in to get a better look, reaching her hand forward to clear away more of the mulch covering it.
"Another hole, Miss Granger?" came a shallow breath from behind her, "How many holes do you need within a hole?"
Hermione whipped around to see her potions professor looking just as dead as he had when she last looked at him, and realized that she was beginning to hear things. She began to chuckle. She had been alone for less than a day, yet she was already on her way to becoming truly mad.
"I don't see what's so funny," whispered the hallucination again, and this time she she saw his lips move ever so slightly.
"It's your grave, Professor Snape," she giggled.
"And I'm going to need it if you don't come over here right now and help me," Snape hissed as best as he could in his condition.
"But you're already dead!" Hermione exclaimed, flinging her hands in the air.
"I should hope not!" he yelled back as loud as he could (which wasn't that loud really), before violently coughing from the effort.
Hermione was shocked into reality. She wasn't hallucinating, it was quite apparent that the man in front of her was alive, for now. It was unbelievable, inconceivable. She had spent hours trying to revive him, and now, after she had given up hope, he was alive. She began to run towards him but her back foot stumbled on the edge of the hole and she tripped backwards falling onto her elbows and back. Her head hit something hard and she started to feel the slow warm trickle of blood along the coldness of her scalp.
That's when the rumbling began.
At first the shaking confused her. In the back of her mind she thought Snape was yelling at her and she welcomed it. But then she noticed the moving wall ascending above her head. Forgetting the aching in her skull she sat up and turned around, her eyes not moving from the wall and the large room it revealed.
The room resembled nothing of the pit she had been trapped in for days. She stood, longing to explore the dark back rooms and the shelves of potions. Her fingers tingled when she saw the collection of books most resembling the restricted section of Hogwarts' library. She wanted enter the small kitchen and raid the fridge and the cupboards and the drawers, eating everything in sight.
But something stopped her.
Turning around she saw Severus staring in awe at room ahead. Atleast she assumed it was a look of awe. She had never seen her professor look awe-filled before and he eyes could only open so much and his mouth could only part slightly before his lips would crack and dirt would poor in. She knew how dry his lips were considering she had been partnered with them almost all day…
Savagely pushing any thoughts of those kind from her head she rushed to Snape and began to lift his torso from the ground, ready to drag him into the other room. It hadn't occurred to her to check if the room was safe first, or to figure where she could place him once she got there. Only one thing filled her mind and it made her clumsy and caused her to act foolishly.
And that was Severus Snape.
Hermione could tell that he was trying not to groan as she dragged his body over rocks and he bumped over holes. In the room the floor was made of steel and she could hear his pants tear on the screws, but it didn't matter. She could see the dirt smear on the immaculately clean ground but no one cared. It wasn't until she reached the middle of the room that she wondered where to put him.
Slowly she placed his head on the ground and walked over to some of the back rooms to check out the options. One of the rooms contained a bed and desk and when she saw it she rushed over to the professor to bring him over there.
It didn't take her long to drag Snape over to the bed, but getting him on it was another story.
"Do you think if I helped you, you could stand up?" she asked the man half lying on the floor, and half in her arms. All he could do was sling his head back and look up at her through lazy eyes. There was no smile on his face, but when ever was there?
"If I could stand," he drawled "Why would I be allowing you to drag me across a room, carelessly at that."
Hermione rolled her eyes and counted to three aloud before trying to push the professor up and onto the bed. Snape yelped in pain. She could tell it took all he had not to yell at her to be more careful. Hermione tried again and this time managed to get Snape's upper half onto the bed, sandwiched between her and the mattress. She instantly turned red and mumbled a quick apology as she bent over to grab his feet and secured them onto the bed as well.
No thank-you emerged from Severus' lips but Hermione knew how hard it was for him to let her help him.
"I'm going to go see if there is a first-aid in here somewhere," she said. No reply came from the room, but as she exited it, all she could do was smile.
He was alive.
0o0o0o
Harry walked towards class slowly, knowing that if he stalled just right he would miss the last ten minutes of class and wouldn't even have to bear one second with the incompetent new potions teacher, Mr.Basbora. So Instead of walking straight to the class he purposely got messed up on the moving staircases and he meandered through the halls getting distracted by the portraits.
That's when he spotted Seamus walking down the halls slowly as well, and Harry rushed over to talk to him.
"Seamus!" Harry called to stop him from walking off. Seamus turned around instantly but didn't give the warm smile back like Harry was expecting.
"Hi, Harry," he replied as he leaned against the wall.
"Where were you this morning?" Harry asked.
"I was tired. I didn't get much sleep last night, so after breakfast I just went back to bed and decided to miss potions," came the slow reply. Seamus didn't look at Harry as he talked; he looked at the floor instead.
Harry assumed that Seamus was taking Hermione's disappearance worse than all of them.
"How come you're not in class?" Seamus asked Harry, looking up at him this time with some curiosity and some accusation.
"Dumbledore wanted to talk to me about Hermione…" Harry trailed off before speaking again. "I was thinking that we should go looking again tonight after dinner. I'm sure Hagrid will help us agai-"
Seamus cut in.
"We've tried that already and nothing came of it! She's gone Harry and we can't do nothing about it. We aren't going to succeed where a bunch of Aurors are left clueless."
Seamus turned to leave but Harry stepped in front of him.
"If you were missing, Hermione wouldn't stop," the disappointment in Harry's voice was almost unbearable. "She would be searching everywhere, looking for clues everywhere around the castle and searching books for even an inkling of an idea."
Harry didn't wait for Seamus to reply, because he was already leaving him behind. A stunned Seamus was left to watch Harry storm down the hall, with a new determination to find Hermione Granger.
0o0o0o
Severus could feel the stabbing in his arm, the crushing of his lungs, the burning in his throat and the pounding in his head. Any breath he took felt like ice water rushing into his lungs and it made him sputter and cough. Everything was a struggle: breathing, moving…living.
He wanted to just let go.
He had no control over how his body writhed in pain on the sticky muddy ground, or how his throat made the low moans that escaped through his lips. He couldn't see for the pain, although he was certain his eyes were open; he couldn't remember closing them. All the pain that coursed through his body sprouted from that one place on his arm, where the dark mark lay.
The summons had come only ten minutes ago. That's when he knew he was in trouble. There is no deciding not to attend one of the Dark Lord's meetings. When he had made no move to leave, (since he knew there was no escape of the hole) the pain started. At first it was a burning in his flesh, much like the pain he felt as he accepted the mark into his arm in the beginning. But, just as he knew it would, the pain worsened.
He knew he would die in the pit. Any death eater knew what would happen if they didn't respond to being summoned by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He had once tried to defy the pain, when he was more young and foolish, but had not lasted long. Now, however, the only choice was death.
Severus Snape was not afraid of death. He wasn't worried about the other side, whatever that might be, and he wasn't worried of not being able to suffer in the hole any longer. In fact, many times in his life he would prefer death to the wretched life he lived. The only thing that kept him alive was the purpose he had to serve Dumbledore, to be a spy and to conquer the dark.
He couldn't see her, fore he couldn't see. He couldn't feel her, fore the pain surrounding him was too thick. Rather, he could sense her.
"What happened?" He heard her voice echo around him. He couldn't answer her. Another burst of pain erupted through his arm when she grabbed it, and he would have cursed her if he could. All he could manage was the roar of pain that he could feel through his entire core. His pain at her touch did not stop her though and his cries of pain didn't seem to make her hesitate. He tried to push her away, but he was extremely weak and he wasn't even sure if he made his arm move or not.
His ability to breath was failing him and the icy pain of inhaling was becoming short dull pain constant in his lungs. All the pain was starting to ebb from him, but with it went his consciousness. His last thought was of the girl sobs. He never thought anyone would cry as he slowly drifted from this life, to the next.
0o0o0o0o
He didn't know how long he drifted in blackness, he didn't know where he was or what was happening. He had no control over his body, as if he was paralyzed, and he was strangely aware of his inability to breathe. Yet there was no pain. It was as if he was separated, inside his body. He couldn't feel, but he was aware of each stone that leaned against his body. He was aware of each particle of dirt his body rested on. He was aware of the heavy air that hung around him.
He was aware of her.
He could sense her as she pushed down on his chest, and as she pressed her mouth against his to breathe air into his lungs. A sadness filled him, to know how upset she was. Tears dripped onto his cheeks as she hovered about him. He wanted to wake up for her, but he knew he couldn't. The air that momentarily filled his lungs was useless, stagnant and futile; they held none of it and were not even as responsive to reject it.
But she continued on, trying so hard that it made him wonder why. He had done nothing for her. He had belittled her, insulted her and hurt her and still she tried to save the unredeemable. It was curious, her motives, and he couldn't help but want to wake up for her. He didn't want her efforts to be in vain. Her last breath seemed to tug at his chest, he felt it surely but he didn't know how to cultivate it. He wanted to give her hope, and when she stopped and began to sob in her hands it tore at something he didn't quite know he had.
She lay down beside him, and although he couldn't see her, and he couldn't feel her, he knew her. He knew she had given up, that she had spent her strength and her courage and her spirit on him. As she tried to restore his life, she lost hers. As if he could read her thoughts, he knew she wanted to die, and the guilt consumed him.
He tried to move his fingers. He tried to sit up. He tried to scream.
He tried to breathe.
Slowly he could feel the breath enter him, but he knew that his lungs were not filling with the oxygen, but he continued to think of breathing, attempt breathing, and promote the feeling he had had before. He wanted to wake up. He needed to wake up, if not for him, then for her. He couldn't abandon her when she had tried so hard not to give up on him.
He felt the air tickle his lungs, and it encouraged him. Not long after he could feel his lungs catch the air and ever so lightly they rose. But she was distracted with digging his grave, so he continued to try and hang on. He needed help, and he didn't know how long he could keep this small grasp on this existence. It took all he had but he managed to open his mouth and form the first words he could think of.
0o0o0o0o
Severus woke up, coughs wracking his body. He couldn't remember where he was, but when he opened his eyes it all came back to him. Under him was no longer the grime and dirt, but a comfortable white mattress. On him lay a rough green wool blanket that scratched against his skin, but it offered him needed warmth. Suddenly it occurred to him of just how much skin the blanket grazed and he lifted it to see himself clad in only a pair of underwear. He was clean from all of the mud, blood, grime and dirt that had covered his body when he last remembered, but the thought outraged him.
He noticed he was feeling a lot better than he had before. His arm adorned a white bandage wrapped from his elbow to his wrist and his cuts and scrapes had been cleaned and dealt with appropriately. Beside him he noticed an empty potion bottle and noticed the remnants of the bottom to resemble a heavy healing potion. One of which he made for Poppy's storage, but didn't have to replace very often.
Hermione entered the room, not noticing that he had awakened, with a plate of food. It looked delicious compared to the flavored beans he had been living on over the past few days and instantly his mouth started to salivate. Her hair covered her face, and perhaps it was because now it was clean where as before it was filthy, it looked tame and… nice… looking.
Thinking of being clean however brought Severus back to his current situation.
"Miss Granger," he began.
Hermione let out a small gasp as she looked up, but soon smiled. It was a sweet smile and just as the smile he had witnessed once before by her, it surprised and unsettled him. He was not to be distracted however.
"I assume you were the one to tend to me, and bandage my arm," he continued, only pausing shortly for an answer he already knew.
"Well yes, but –"
"Well it might be appreciated by many, especially that imbecile of yours, Seamus or whatever his name may be, but I find it entirely inappropriate and inexcusable for you, especially a student, to be bathing me."
Hermione looked to the ground and giggled, and although Severus couldn't see her face, he saw the redness of her neck and knew her cheeks must be bright red.
"It is not funny, Miss Granger." he continued, "I do not appreciate what you have done and –"
She was now laughing as hard as she could, sitting down on the chair beside his bed for support. Through her guffaws she tried to speak.
"It (chortle) was not (giggle) me (snicker)! It was (snort) Mubbley (cackle) the house elf!" She continued to laugh, bent over from the stomach pains.
Severus was confused, and confusion never sat well with him.
"House elf?" He asked through gritted teeth.
Hermione wiped a tear from her eye and suddenly became serious. It was an odd transformation in Severus' eyes.
"Yes," she replied. "It seems we have a lot to discuss."
Sorry guys for the delay in chapter. Since the last chapter I have moved and I've been on vacation for the last little while. Meanwhile, there have been some changes of what I have decided to do, but also, I know that it was terribly rude of me to leave at such a point in the story and I promise I will make it up to all of you! So, cheers.
-Sar
PS: please review, it does make me feel so much better and encourages me to write more and more! I hope to have a chapter up by the end of this week, but I guess it all depends on how motivated I feel ;).