I walked to the greenhouses by myself that afternoon. Mostly wanting to avoid Sirius' questions and suspicious glances, I excused myself from lunch early, hoping that my absence would remain unnoticed.
As I continued my descent, I allowed myself to think about Sirius. I had realized a few days ago that the periods of time where he did not cross my mind at all were getting shorter and shorter, and the more I fantasised about him during break, the more I could concentrate in class. Theoretically.
A voice interrupted me, loud enough to break into my thoughts. "Hey, Moony!" James shouted.
I turned around and watched James run down the slope of the grounds, satchel flying behind him, arms flailing wildly.
When he finally caught up with me, panting, he began to smooth his hair nervously and we fell into stride next to each other.
"What's up, Prongs?" I asked.
"Nothing much, just wanting to have a little chat with you," James said airily, but pulling me up short. I stopped walking.
"About what, exactly? A matter too sensitive for Peter and Sirius?" I asked, fearing the answer.
"Well, yes, actually," James murmured.
I could feel my ears burning. Please, please. He can't know.
"I was just wondering… If maybe, you might have a crush on Sirius," James blurted out.
I tried a laugh, but it came out high pitched and quite unlike my own. "No, no, no. Sirius? No. I'm not like that. Not at all."
James looked discomforted. "Oh. Well, I was just wondering. I-I thought, you know, maybe… Maybe 'R.B.' this morning stood for Remus… Remus Black. And sometimes… Sometimes, you look at him strangely," he finished lamely.
"Oh, no. Not gay. Not gay at all," I said, still high pitched, and even as I said it, it dawned on me how odd it must seem to James that I had denied the crush adamantly, repeatedly.
Sure enough, as I looked over to him, I saw he was watching me through narrowed eyes. "You sure, Moony?"
I sat down, the full weight of my decision pulling me to the ground.
"No, Prongs. I'm not sure at all."
James sat down next to me, and placed an awkward arm around my shoulders.
"He won't mind. He'll think it's brilliant."
"It's not that, James," I said, and the next words I almost spat out, glad to be rid of them, "I… I feel so terrible, for liking him. It's so disgusting. Wrong."
James pulled me closer to him, and I felt tears clouding my vision.
"Prongs! Moony! Oi, LOVEBIRDS!"
We both looked up, startled, as Sirius ran down towards us, Peter tailing along a few paces behind, clearly horrified at Sirius drawing attention to James and I so obviously entwined.
I watched Sirius' every move – the way his robes billowed behind him, the careless way his hair fell, and the air of supreme gracefulness he carried with him at all times.
"Do you… Do you love him?" I heard James whisper next to me.
"Yes," I breathed.