A Knight in Black Armor
Sirius slammed his way down the corridor, holding the soiled shoes as far away from his as possible, not that it smelled, but the thought of who and what was responsible for destroying them was making his stomach queasy.
The sounds of the family reunion were so loud that he could hear them from the second floor landing; it would be only a matter time before his mother added her own brand of family cheer to the occasion. He locked his 'don't mess with me look' on his face and marched down the stairs and into the hallway, barely pausing to push the door out of his way.
Three red heads looked up around the table, two rabbits chose to ignore his dramatic entrance, and he was certain he saw Harry roll his eyes at his godfather. Ginny bit down hard on her lip and took to studying the cracks in the ceiling while Fred and George looked at him with unmistakable mirth.
"Ah I see our favorite member of the Black family has returned from reacquainting himself with his hand … again," George announced loudly, Ginny at his side was looking anywhere but at Sirius.
"What are you talking about Weasley? I've been helping Remus to turn the love bunnies back," Sirius growled, not in the mood for the twin's antics when the fate of his Italian loafers lay in the balance.
"Oh come now Sirius old boy we all know you have been off romancing yourself."
"You're right dear brother, our favorite Black is very dedicated to releasing the hostages," At that moment Remus entered the room, looking distracted and a little confused at the sudden flurry of activity in the kitchen.
"Pardon? Who's holding who hostage?" he asked.
"We were talking about Sirius." Ginny informed him.
"And Sirius was denying the fact that he has spent the afternoon slapping his ham." Fred laughed.
"I have not!"
"Yeah right, we all know you were up there jerkin' your gherkin."
"Where do you two come up with these things?" but they ignored his angry question and continued on in their own little world.
"Good one George, I just thought of another one: Choking your chicken."
"I've heard Lee use beating your meat."
"Oooh I know, waxing your Willy, or even better whackin' your jack."
"Cleaning your pipes" laughed one of the twins; by this stage nobody was completely sure which was which anymore.
"Making some glue," They concluded in unison. Sirius let out a strangled growl before keeling over and transforming into his Animagus form; the better to get at their throats, he thought to himself grimly.
He snapped at the twin's heels and both pulled their feet up on to their chairs before continuing their idiotic conversation, effectively ignoring them.
"So what brings you two here?" Remus cut in over Sirius's snapping jowls, he took a seat next to Ginny and placed his hand over hers, and Sirius chose to ignore this gesture and refused to read anymore into it.
"Ran into Hermione at the bookstore today and she told us all about poor Harry, we had to come see for ourselves," George answered, patting Harry on the head and winking when Draco bared his teeth to red head, which went unnoticed.
"How is the research coming along? Mione told us to tell you she had no new leads", Fred informed them; Sirius stopped his futile bloodlust to listen to his response.
"Actually that's why I came down, I need to borrow you for an hour or so Ginny, I think you can help, and bring the boys while you're at it," Remus said, giving her a charming smile that made Sirius growl deep in his throat. Ginny finally looked over at him, mouthing 'sorry' before following the werewolf out of the room, Draco and Harry nestled safely in her arms.
"Don't worry old boy, you can't have them all." George said with false sympathy as Fred got up and took Sirius soiled shoes from the table only to dump them unceremoniously in the kitchen sink. Sirius let out a whine as the water was turned on and half a bottle of liquid soap was poured in after it – the shoes had served him well, he would have to give them the appropriate burial.
Shifting back to his human self Sirius rushed to the sink to watch the leather float in its watery grave. Fred and George, oblivious to his anguish, were raiding his pantry and assembling a feast of sandwiches in front of them. Sirius dropped back into a chair and watched them moodily as their artwork manifested itself.
"Having seen your little spell in action – " Started Fred, taking a bite out of a ham and salad sandwich
"– We have decided to offer our services –" George added, filching the other half of the sandwich.
"And what do you two think you could possibly do to fix this problem?" Sirius, always the cynic, asked as he selected a peanut butter and honey sandwich.
"Besides making available our widely renowned expertise on all subjects far and wide – " Fred responded flippantly
"– We have a theory –" They announced together. Sirius raised his eyebrows and looked at them expectantly.
"For a price of course." Came a voice from the kitchen door. Hermione straighten from her position leaning against the door frame and came and sat down on the chair between the twins, snatching a tomato and lettuce sandwich, and slouching back.
"Hermione, you're home early," Sirius observed, she had removed her dark blue robe in the hall and had on a tight knee length grey skirt and off white blouse. The top few buttons had come loose of said shirt and he happily observed the ample amount of cleavage exposed.
"No earlier than usual," she replied propping her feet up on Fred's legs looking quite content.
"Old Padfoot here spent the afternoon having a 'nap' he obviously lost track of time", George informed her happily while Fred snorted and Sirius glared a warning.
"Figures," Hermione muttered under her breath.
"So about this theory you have?" Sirius prompted them, anything to get his household back to normal.
"We shall discuss price later, but my brother and I have a bit of an offer for you – it may be the solution to all your problems," both twins had a gleam in their blue eyes and an evil grin that forebode of terrible things to come.
"Go on …" Sirius grit out, pinching the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on.
"Well we were inspired by several things mainly, but first it was our love of causing mayhem wherever we go – " began George
" – And partly by the often not so amicable owls we receive from our patrons' parents and guardians – " explained Fred, rubbing Hermione's feet absently
"They inspired us to create a range that could not only reverse whatever mishap had befallen the poor victims of our ingenious products but also to make Weasley's Wizard Wheezes a more – " George looked at the cracked ceiling searching for the appropriate words
"Family friendly store…" Hermione supplied, most likely in on whatever scheme they had concocted.
"Thank you my love, yes family friendly – now the whole family can cause panic and chaos wherever they go."
"And you Sirius Black are out knight in shining armor"
"Huh?" his blank expression must have said it all because all three of them developed an even more sinister look.
"You can change Harry and Draco back to their former buff and fruity selves for the small price of being our test dummy," Fred explained cheerfully.
"What exactly will I be doing?" Sirius was becoming a little apprehensive about this whole idea, maybe he should just wait until Remus found something in his research and then he wouldn't risk blowing up his beautiful self.
"It was Hermione who gave us the real inspiration for its design, so she must be given some credit," Fred said patting her knee where her skirt had ridden up a little.
"Oh really it was nothing, just a little suggestion," she blushed.
"So after a little research we finally came up with this" George concluded holding up a small sparkling pink tube. He uncapped the darker pink lid and twisted the tiny key at the bottom to reveal what Sirius recognized as a chap stick, not much different to what Hermione applied to her lips every morning. Infact he could swear that that was her tube that the boys had modified for their sick purposes.
They looked at him expectantly and when just shrugged Fred removed a folded up parchment from his pocket and presented him with the prototype ad for 'Lippy Lifter'
"The lip gloss that lifts spells and jinxes – perfect for any parents' revenge," he announced.
"I came up with the original concept of a kiss, like with Sleeping Beauty a simple kiss breaks the spell and wakes her up," Hermione informed him with excitement.
"And I thought how much I hated mums sloppy kisses." added George, grimacing at the thought.
"So we combined the two and came up with this – One kiss with this stuff on your lips and our little bunny friends will be back to normal … at last we hope so."
"I have to kiss Harry and Draco?" Sirius said faintly, staring at the piece of parchment in his hands with horror. The three in front of him just nodded with glee as they sent him to his worst nightmare.
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