Disclaimer: Not only do I not own anything related to CSI, I also own nothing about Jeopardy! or Wife Swap. I do however own not one, but two trombones and a tuba (although, I took it apart to clean it and can't put it back together).
A/N: Hey! You still here? Well, if you are looking for Jeopardy!, please go to Chapter 6. Otherwise stick around and find out the conclusion of "Wife Swap."
Chapter 5
Catherine called Britney back on the number left on the cell. Instead of a conference call between them and Conrad, Catherine, her mother and Lindsey were on the line with Britney, who explained what a "Wife Swap" five days would entail.
If she accepted, Catherine would be swapped with Jesse, a homemaker from Haverhill, Mass., who lives with her husband, Barry, and four children. Jesse makes sure her family receives three home-cooked meals a day. She is also very active in community groups, including the local actors club, Moms Morning Out group and Karaoke Lovers Unlimited.
Lindsey laughed out loud. "Will my mom have to do the Karaoke, cooking and acting? And will that be caught on tape?"
"Well, that's the point of the swap," Britney said.
"Mom, you've got to do this."
"Lindsey, now wait a minute. You're not looking at the other side of the coin," Catherine said. "That means Jesse will be YOUR mom for five days."
"Oh yeah," Lindsey said. "Homemade meals, there's a chance she might sing me to sleep, and she has to go the lab at night. Oh yeah, that's devastating."
The lab at night? Now that's interesting. What would they do with her? Is that legal or moral or ethical?
Shit, Catherine thought, it was Conrad's idea with the blessings of his political comrades. Plus, truth be told, Lindsey deserved some home-cooked meals.
"I'll do it."
And that's how Catherine ended up on "Wife Swap."
Although the first three hours of her stay in Haverhill were tension-filled, Catherine admitted it sure beat the hell out of going to a decomp to earn a paycheck (plus, there was an additional check from ABC). Catherine was able to share so much with Jesse's kids, for instance:
Doritos make a wonderful side dish;
The best way to deal with a bully is to have friends in law enforcement who could conduct "random" locker searches at their school;
If you live out of your car, drive thru meals could be considered a home-cooked meal as long as you apply the condiments in the car.
Having girl GENES doesn't make a girl dumber than a boy. Boys and girls are equal in intelligence. But girls can make boys dumber with certain JEANS.
But then again, Catherine learned a lot from the different people she met. For instance, Moms Morning Out is a short leap from moms talking about chores to "Desperate Housewives." When the group learned Catherine was a former exotic dancer, they barraged Catherine with questions (including an odd question about whether she had ever been to the beaches of Vietnam. No idea where that came from).
Finally, Catherine agreed to give the women lessons on how to exotically dress and dance. Catherine wasn't sure how Barry, Jesse's husband, would explain the newly attached "stripper pole" in the recreation room, but then again, that wasn't Catherine's problem.
When she returned to Vegas, Catherine wondered how Jesse did at the lab. As she walked through the doors and saw the "Thank God you're here" stares, she began to think maybe not that good.
Nick was the first to make the approach.
"Oh God, Catherine, what a disaster. I've never seen anyone throw up as much as she did."
Poor thing, Catherine thought. "What happened?"
"Well, first day she came in, Grissom gave her a B&E with me. A B&E, Catherine. We get there, she sees the broken glass and she throws up," Nick said. "Luckily, we were outside still so there wasn't any evidence contamination.
"Grissom wanted to take her off immediately and send her back home, but Ecklie rejected that, and said maybe it would be good for her to try something less graphically demanding, so Conrad put her on the museum heist with Grissom.
"Well, the scene was about an hour away, so Grissom drove. Did you know Jesse sings? A lot? Grissom said she didn't stop singing from the time she was in the car to the three hours at the scene and throughout the drive back."
Catherine tried to avoid her snicker. Gil would kill her. "Did he get the migraine?"
"And he spread it to the rest of us," Nick proclaimed.
"But you said you'd never seen so much vomit?" Catherine asked.
"Oh, that covered the course of a few days, Cath. The next day, Grissom was told to give her one more chance on the field, so he tried another B&E. Harmless, right? Well, it would have been if the cops had cleared the scene properly and there wouldn't have been a 419 in the bathroom Jesse stumbled into."
"Oh no."
"Oh yes."
"Who was processing the scene with Jesse?"
"Grissom."
"Oh no."
"Oh yes."
"Oh my God, Grissom must have been livid about the scene. He didn't yell at Jesse did he?"
"No, actually, he was cool about her, despite... well, let's just say he took one, well, actually, two for the team. She puked on him a couple of times before he could get her to calm down. But as nice as he was with Jesse, he turned 180 degrees on the cops at the scene." Nick turned around to make sure Grissom wasn't around. "Ever heard Grissom curse? I mean really curse? Scary. But fortunately he and Greg finished processing and found credit card receipts in the garbage. Brass got an easy confession out of the guy."
"So," Catherine couldn't stop asking. "What did Grissom do with her?"
"He told me and Warrick to call Ecklie and have him meet Jesse in his office so he can help her calm down. I don't know exactly what happened in the office, but when I left I heard a lot of crying and then I heard the old 'heave ho' from inside Ecklie's office."
Catherine could hold it in no longer. "OH MY GOD!" Cackling ensued, even from Nick.
"Wait, I'm not done," Nick said between chuckles.
"Oh, do tell," Catherine invited.
"Needless to say, Jesse went home that night. So for day three, Grissom told Ecklie it might be best to keep her with the lab rats. Well, Wendy was being a bitch about the whole thing and didn't want Jesse there. But Bobby said Jesse could be with him. … Did you know that some people puke at the sound of a gun?"
"I do now."
"Well, luckily she had the will power to make it to the toilet. We were proud of her. And actually Day 4 was a good day. Mia took her in and they seemed to hit it off, and Archie showed her some stuff. She loved Archie's lab. To celebrate Greg, Bobby, Warrick, Archie, Mia, Judy and I took Jesse to a Karaoke bar and she cooked us all an awesome breakfast at your place."
"Really?" Catherine said.
"Best potato omelet and fruit salad I have ever had. And she sings one hell of a 'Stand by Your Man.'"
"So, how was Day 5?"
"It would have been fine. Grissom found out Archie didn't mind Jesse around, so he wanted her there the entire time. But apparently Hodges complained he had no face time with Jesse and her cameras."
"And Grissom gave a shit about that?"
"No," Nick said. "But apparently Ecklie did. So Jesse spent time with Hodges, who spoke more to the camera than Jesse about the intricacies of cotton fibers. It would have been fine if he if didn't pull out a shirt from the McClain stabbing death."
Ha ha ha, Catherine thought. "A bit of vomit."
"Did you ever see the movie 'Stand By Me?'" Catherine nodded, and Nick asked, "Remember that scene when the kid throws up at the pie eating contest?"
"And then the person next to him pukes?" Catherine added.
"Yup. She puked on Hodges, and Hodges puked on himself. And they just kept going. It was awful."
Catherine suddenly had an urge to pump her fist in the air. Instead she patted her co-worker on the back. "Yeah, Nicky, well, Karma's a bitch."
-----------------
TBC
-----------------
A/N: Why a mention of Vietnam way up there? Well, Marg Helgenburger was a cast member of "China Beach," where she played a prostitute.