Thanks guys for all the reviews. I really appreciate it. The more reviews I get, the quicker I will post new stuff. So yeah. My mind keeps changing. Do I want this Mer/Der or do I want this Mer/Mark. Then as I listen to the song, over and over and over again I might add, Derek and Mark keep fighting for Meredith in my head. Haha. So I am still contemplating where I want it to go. In all actuality the characters are writing the story, I am just simply putting it in a board. So again, thank you for all the reviews. I appreciate them. On with the story.
Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own Grey's Anatomy – although sometimes I have dreams about owning it, Eric Dane and Patrick Dempsey!
2:45am.
I drive along the quiet streets; trying to gain up enough confidence for the conversation I was now dreading. I had a feeling that Meredith was going to tell me that she despised me, that she had a right to not trust me. I do have to agree with the second part, she didn't have a reason to trust me. I have hurt her time and time again. First it was Addison, then prom, and last it was Rose. I kissed Rose in the same scrub room I told Meredith I was staying with my wife because she was my wife. I really do hate that scrub room. It is the same one, where Meredith has been supportive of my decisions that have hurt her again and again. Meredith has every right not to trust me, I only told her what I did earlier you don't trust anyone was because I wanted her to see that I loved her, I was trying to help her. I'm extremely stupid, aren't I? Yep. I can answer that question with one hundred percent certainty.
I slow down as I reach my destination. I park beside the blue jeep I have come to love, although it could break down any second now. I look over to the jeep, and notice that Meredith isn't inside. I tilt my head down towards the steering wheel. I need to do this. I need to know if I can still have Meredith in my life. Which I highly doubt, too many times we have messed up. I look up, feeling tears build up in my eyes, I wipe them away. I shouldn't be crying yet. I will probably be crying during, but not yet. I have to hold a strong front. I slowly open my car door, after turning the engine off, and look up to the bench that Meredith and I often shared. The one place where we went when we needed each other only needed to talk to one another. Meredith's beautiful blond hair is blowing in the breeze, as she pulls her jacket closer to her body. I can't tell what she is doing, but she looks as if she might be crying. I hate to see her cry, so I gave her another second before I walked down to the bench.
The breeze is starting to get colder; maybe if I am near Meredith I can just feel some of her warmth. I will not touch her, unless she wants me to touch her. I promise myself. I take in one more large breath before walking down to the bench. The wind lets the smell of lavender feel my nose. I close my eyes as the sensation runs through my body. I need her. Why do I constantly mess everything up? Why do I let her go, so often? Why? As these questions run through my mind I walk closer to the bench, and whisper.
"Hi." I don't know if she heard me, so I walk around the bench, and see that she quickly wipes her tears away. They pain me. The look of Meredith crying makes me feel worse than I already did. I sit down on the bench, reaching my hand out, but pull it back remembering the promise I made to myself. Do not touch her. She doesn't want to be touched by you. You have hurt her way to many times. So do not touch her. I close my eyes, feeling all strength I wanted to have tonight disappeared quickly. Meredith's eyes reach my blue ones, and she looks scared, hurt, and angered. I was surprised by her being scared. I had expected the other two feelings to come out of her eyes: hurt and anger. However, I wasn't expecting her to look scared. I wouldn't hurt her physically, was she really worried about that. I sighed.
"Hello Derek." Meredith says, so softly that I react as if the words will be carried away with the breeze. I respond quickly.
"Hi." We continue to stare at each other, neither one of us knowing what to say, afraid of the conversation that is about to happen. If I had just told Meredith about my wife in the beginning, if I would have picked her, if I would have never thought about kissing Rose - we could be happy right now, instead of dreading the conversation that was about to happen.
I glance away from her for a second, afraid if I keep looking at her, I will break the promise to myself. I wanted to so badly touch Meredith, but it was not right for me to think this. I look back at her, but this time I keep my eyes down to her hands. I notice she is holding both of them. She was nervous. I could tell before, but her hands were the confirmation.
"I'm sorry." I hear her say. I was waiting for her to yell at me and what I get is a 'I'm sorry'. Why was she sorry? I know that we have done things to each other in the past, but I was the one that had hurt her the most. I started walking away after the drowning fiasco. Actually to think about it, I started walking away from her when I told her I was walking away, letting Finn be the better guy. I should have stuck to that plan. She would be happy with someone else right now, she wouldn't be apologizing when she didn't need to be. But no, I couldn't have her happy. I had to have her happy with me.
"Why?" I said, quickly, then seen her eyes gaze into mine once again. "I mean, why are you sorry? You shouldn't be sorry. I'm the one that should be sorry. I have hurt you too many times…" She stopped me before I could continue. The look of fear flashed through her eyes, like she was about to say something that hurt me worse than anything had hurt me in my life. I began to become scared. My heart began to beat faster, as the anticipation to hear what she was about to say became more needed.
"No. I'm sorry for being the girl in the bar that took you home, and had sex with you." My breath was taken away from me, I was afraid that she heard it – however, her expression would let you think otherwise. Why was she sorry for being the girl in the bar? I thought…wait I had hurt her so many times and many ways now she was regretting me. The love of my life was regretting ever meeting me. A shake came through my body as I slowly got my breath back, but my breath became shallow as I was afraid of what was going to come next.
"I'm sorry that I met you. I'm sorry because you wouldn't have cheated on your wife. I'm also sorry that you felt obligated to love me after I became your dirty mistress. I shouldn't have went to that exam room the night of prom, because you wouldn't have felt obligated to divorce your wife because you cheated on her. You should have stayed with her, she would probably make you happy. She is beautiful…" Not as beautiful as you Meredith. "you could probably have kids, the house on your land with a four car garage. You would have toys strung across the living room with your wife. You would be happy with her, and you wouldn't have met me."
Why was she saying this? Did she not know that I loved her, everything she did, and how she acted? She was purely the love of my life. She was the only woman who could brighten up a room with her smile and her laugh. The only women who could make me feel like I finally found my reason to live. Without her I couldn't breathe. Without her I was lost in the world. Without her my life was boring. She was the one that saved me from drowning. Why didn't I save her from drowning?
"Meredith…you don't mean it." I said. Of course I wanted kids, the house, and the family – but I was slowly beginning to find out that I only wanted that with Meredith. No other woman would be able to feel her spot.
"Yes I do. You should be happy without me. I have made your life horrible."
"No you made my life worth living." I pleaded with her.
"No, Derek, you just think that. I have made your life a living hell." Was she completely insane? I loved her more than life itself and here she is saying that she made my life a living hell. Did I actually make her feel this way? How could I do that to such an amazing woman? She wasn't the one insane, I was.
"Meredith, it's your life you are describing. I have made you life a living hell." I finally find my voice. "I am the one that made you feel worthless. I am the one that had the wife, and made the life ruining mistake of picking her over the love of my life." I watched Meredith cringe as I said love of my life. That hurt. "Meredith I love you, but I have never actually shown you. I have hurt you. You told me that I was your first true relationship that you have never done anything like this before and here I was trying to get you to move into a house so quickly, then I kiss Rose." She cringed again, who could blame her? "I'm the one that made your life miserable.
You have made my life worth living Meredith. Although I can't expect you to believe that with everything I have done to you." I say quickly, feeling breathless again.
"I love you Derek." The words I loved to hear her say, but this time I was scared of the words.
"I love you, Meredith." I say, hoping she would actually believe them this time when I said them.
"Derek?" She said, softly.
"Yes Meredith?" I say as softly, afraid that the next few words she was going to say were going to ruin my life completely.
"I'm sorry but I don't believe you." Ouch. That's worse than I thought. Never think that, it can only get worse.
"Derek, I don't want you in my life – we will probably be happier, you could be happy with Rose. And I just want you to be happy. I probably will never be able to make you happy." That was worse.
"Meredith." She looked away from me. Tears are finally falling down both of our faces.
"Derek…be happy without me. I love you." She stood up and I felt like everything around me was falling, I was breathing shallowly and tears falling down my face. I looked up at her.
"I can't live without you." I say to her.
"Yes you can. I can live without you too. However, I'll just be miserable at best." She walked to her car. I watched the love of my life walk away from me. It hurt, I wanted her. She was my life. She was my everything and I never actually showed her. She wanted me to be happy. How could she think I could be happy without her? Without her I was going to miserable at best, just as she said.