Panic
Back in the far corner of the pantry at the Dragonfly Inn, she sat rocking back and forth, clutching her stomach and whispering, "Oh God, Oh God no, please no." She had fled to her sanctuary after she waved her best friend off that evening. She couldn't face it yet. She couldn't face him yet. "Oh my God," she whispered again. "This can't be happening to me." But it was. It is. She knew that it was true, but she didn't know what to do about it.
Sookie St. James Belleville put on a happy face every day. It was expected of her. She had the dimples to back it up. And most of the time, she was a happy person. She had a husband who she loved, two beautiful children, a home, a business, friends… In other words everything a girl could want, right? Everything anyone could hope for. Then why did she feel like a piece of granite that a sculptor was chipping away at? Why did she feel like that last little bit that was 'me' was skipping away?
I didn't want this. Jackson knew I didn't want this. How could he have kept that from me? she wondered as she pressed her eyes closed. "What do I do? What do I do?" she whispered. She couldn't go home. Se was afraid she'd lose it and do something irreparable. She couldn't take the chance that she would say something or do something that would end her marriage. Oh my God, end my marriage? How did I get here? she thought as her heart started to hammer. I don't want to end my marriage! I love Jackson. I love Davy and Martha. I just didn't want another kid. Is that wrong? she asked herself. "I don't want this," she said out loud, which immediately made her feel guilty.
She knew she was being selfish. She knew that ordering Jackson to have a vasectomy the minute Martha was born was probably not the nicest thing a wife could do. But she also knew that she had a right to know if he hadn't gone through with it. He had an obligation to tell her. And now… "Oh my God," she whispered again as she tried to absorb it all.
The tears began to flow in earnest. Is it wrong to want to go to the bathroom without someone following me? Is it wrong to want to walk out of the house without having to bring most of its contents with her? Is it wrong to need five minutes out of the day when no one wanted a piece of her? Is it wrong to want a little bit of herself to stay intact? Once you became a wife and a mommy, you didn't matter anymore. Once you became a wife and a mommy everything you want or need has to come after what your family wants or needs. What about what I want? When did that stop mattering? When did I cease to exist? Why don't I get a say in this? her brain screamed in frustration.
Sookie didn't know how it had all spun out of control. She was happy. She liked her life. She loved her kids, and enjoyed watching them grow and learn, but she also looked forward to the day when she didn't have to change another diaper. She'd actually been counting them down. And while she appreciated Lorelai's efforts to make her see the bright side by reminding her of all of the joys, right now, all Sookie could think of was that she was trapped. Trapped in the never ending demands of motherhood. Trapped in a marriage where her husband doesn't share vital, life changing information with her. Trapped in a tiny little box with no air, and no room to move. "I can't do this," she whispered to the empty room. "I'm not strong enough. There's not enough of me left," she said softly.
She glanced down at her arms wrapped protectively around her stomach and for a brief moment wondered if she was protecting herself or the baby. She blinked, wiping her wet cheeks as she looked down at her stomach. Would he or she know? she wondered. Poor baby. Would he or she know that they weren't wanted? Weren't planned, she corrected herself mentally. Of course, I'll love this baby, she told herself. This isn't the baby's fault, she reminded herself sternly. This baby didn't ask to be made. This baby didn't know that its mother was a basket case and its father was a coward, she thought with a smirk. "Poor baby," she murmured as she ran her hand over her stomach. Would it all come out one day? she wondered as she bit her lip. Would it slip out during a fight? Would this poor baby find out that his or her mommy really didn't want another child? Oh god, what if it does? How do I deal with that? What if I can't make this baby believe that I love him or her? she thought as she spread her fingers protectively of her stomach.
"Oh baby," she whispered. "I really will love you. I promise. You just need to give Mommy a little more time to get used to it, okay?" she asked softly. "Just a little more time," Sookie murmured as she wrapped her arms around her middle again and began to rock back and forth.