Torn
How can the happiest day of your life also be the worst day of your life? How can one person be so hurt, so betrayed, and so confused one minute, and then over the moon the next? she asked herself. She stared blankly at the ceiling, listening to his soft snores. She turned her head to look at him. He is a hero. Her very own Greek god, with the golden helmet and the shield and the sandals. And he said yes. Without even thinking it over, he said yes, he wanted to marry her. This wonderful man lying next to her was willing to kidnap her kid, lock her in her room, drive her to classes, and basically sit on her until she embraced her dream again. Because he loves her, and because he loves me, she thought with a soft smile. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.
Oh Rory, she thought with a sigh. How did it all go so wrong? We were on track. You had school and work and your pretty boy, and I had Luke, she tried to reason with her daughter telepathically. We should be so happy. Why? Why can't we just be happy? she wondered helplessly. How could you let that idiot, Mitchum, break you like that? What happened to my girl? Where's the 'I'll show you' attitude that I've been instilling since you were born?
She looked at Luke's face, soft with sleep, the lines around his eyes smooth, and a small satisfied smile playing at the corners of his mouth. She wanted to marry this man. She wanted to be with him forever. He was her best friend, her lover, her biggest supporter, her comfort and her safety. She knew he loved her. Her lips curved as she recalled how quickly he said yes. Very, un-Luke Danes, she thought with a smirk. No processing, no discussion, no ranting, no hesitation, just 'yes.'
She should be ecstatic. She should be floating on cloud nine. For a while she was. When his answer sunk in, when they realized that this was it and that they were getting married, she was filled with a bubbling giddiness. She tamped it down, trying not to scare him with her urge to bounce up and down. Well, I did bounce a little, but I played it off as excitement over the Zima, she thought wryly. They drank the Zima, toasting their engagement, she teased him over his need to seal the deal with a kiss, and then they came back here. He made tender, passionate love to her, letting every kiss and every touch convey his love for her, as she reveled in it, knowing that he made her feel whole. At least for a little while.
She did feel bad. She knew that he deserved more than this. She knew that this was not the right time. Their engagement deserved whole hearted joy, and she was only half hearted at the moment. She swallowed thickly as she gently brushed back a lock hair that had fallen over his forehead. She consoled herself with the knowledge that Luke knew her well enough to know that, without Rory, she was only partly there, and loved her enough to wait for the rest of her to catch up. She wouldn't regret proposing. She knew that wanting to marry Luke was right and true. This was the man for her, and she was going to do her damnedest to be the right girl for him. She just wished, for his sake, that things were different, that's all.
Turning back to the ceiling, Lorelai replayed the scene at Weston's in her mind. Maybe she could have been a little more understanding. Maybe she could have been a little less defensive, and listened a little harder to what she was trying to say. Maybe, she conceded. But, how do you throw away a lifetime of dreams in one day? How do you steal a yacht, anyway? I should have kept my cool. Rory is just as stubborn as any Gilmore. I should have kept my cool and let her have her say. Let her get it out there, and then stew on it a little. I could have talked her down. I could have gotten her back on track, she thought with a pang of regret that was almost physical. I should have kept my cool.
Lorelai's mind flashed to her mother. Oh, Emily, you must be so pleased now, she thought derisively. You've finally gotten what you've wanted all along. You have my daughter now, she thought as she felt a fresh wave of pain crashing over her. Her parents' betrayal of all they'd worked for was bad, but not entirely unexpected. She had seen them pull similar moves over and over again through the years. The last being as recent as a year ago, when Richard double crossed Jason Stiles to save his own skin. She just never thought they'd do something like this when it involved Rory and her education. Her education, the holy grail they had all relentlessly pursued for the last five years. It boggled the mind, Lorelai thought with a frown. How can they justify this? How could things have changed so radically from morning to night? They were in perfect accord. They were untied, determined to keep Rory on track. What could have derailed the plan? she wondered. She realized that she will probably never understand what made her parents pull a complete one-eighty on her, but she knows that it probably had a lot to do with a pair of watery blue eyes.
A tear slipped from her eye as she pictured her daughter's face as she gazed at her through the pool house window. The grim determination on her baby's face as she turned away from her, away from everything they had planned. That was the worst betrayal of them all. How could she have run to them? Why not Lane, or Sookie, or even her father? Why them? She knew rationally, that it was logical for Rory to turn to her grandparents for support. After all, they were the paying for Yale. She also knew that Rory would be aware of how badly it would hurt her. It was intentional. She went to them, knowing that they would take her in, and knowing that it would effectively cut me off. Rory knows that I won't come begging around there. Rory knows that I won't be showing up unexpectedly, working on her, and trying to wear her down. She couldn't have picked a better place to get away from me, she thought as the tears began to roll softly down her cheeks.
She choked back a sob as she squeezed her eyes shut, tried to regulate her breathing. Oh, Rory, she sobbed silently. Don't do this. Please don't throw it all away. How can you? You love school. You love me. Don't turn away from me. Why are you doing this? she pleaded, focusing her thoughts on her daughter with all of her might.
She felt his arm cover her waist as he pulled her up against him, cradling her to him as he stroked her hair. "Shh, shh," he soothed softly. "It will be okay. I promise. We'll find a way, and it will all be okay," he whispered as he pressed his lips to her temple. He held her close as the sobs wracked her body, shaking him to the core. "I'll do anything," he promised raggedly as her tears dripped onto his bare chest.
Lorelai raised her tear streaked face and ran her fingertips over his furrowed brow, smoothing it again, and trying to ease his worry. He could taste the salt on her lips as she kissed him gently and whispered, "You make me so happy." She pressed her cheek back to his chest and murmured, "I just wish I wasn't so sad."