Justification
She stormed into the bedroom and slammed the door. "I'm not an idiot," she growled as she paced the room. Of course I know what I'm doing is wrong, of course I know that Jamie doesn't deserve to be treated like this, but what could she possibly know about it? Paris thought derisively. Little Miss Perfect, Little Miss I Never Do Anything Wrong, she sneered in her head. She stopped dead in her tracks and sank down onto her bed, holding her head in her hands. "Oh my God, what have I done?" she murmured. I broke up with Jamie. I dumped my loving, caring, wonderful, perfect boyfriend. For what? A fling with an older man? she thought as she dug her fingers into her temples.
I am an idiot. Jamie loves me. Jamie wants to be with me. And Asher? What if the rumors are true? What if he does have a different student each semester? What if I'm not special? she wondered. Jamie thinks I am. Or, Jamie thought I was, she corrected herself. What if I am just another conquest? A young, lusty girl to keep Asher's bed warm? No, no, Asher loves me. He sees me for who I am, and appreciates me, she thought with a shake of her head. He's not threatened by my intelligence, he finds it alluring. And so he's a little older, that's exciting, she thought as she stood up to pace the room.
Jamie used to be exciting, the thought popped into her head uninvited. He used to make your heart jump and your stomach queasy, she reminded herself. You're just another co-ed who allowed herself to be seduced by the attentions of an older, accomplished man, she chastised herself. Fool, her brain taunted. You just threw away the best thing that had ever happened to you for something you can't even tell anyone about. He'll keep you hidden in a corner. Tell you that your love is too special, too intimate to be shared with the world. He'll tell you that he thinks of you all of the time, that you inspire him, and that you make him feel young and strong. And you'll fall for it all, because you're an idiot, she sneered at herself.
She turned and looked at the phone on the desk. She placed her hand on it, ready to call Jamie back and tell him that it was all a big mistake. A joke. That she was schizophrenic or on drugs, whatever it took to convince him that she didn't mean what she had said. She hesitated, looking at her hand resting on the receiver and wondering if she really meant that. Am I running back to Jamie because he's safe? There's no guarantee that he won't hurt me eventually, she reasoned. He may seem like a good guy now, but let some brainy brunette with bigger boobs bat her eyes at him, and he could be gone like a shot, she justified. Its better this way, she told herself as she let her hand slide from the phone. We may as well end it now, it's not like we were going to live happily ever after or something, she thought listlessly.
I'm young. I should be doing these things now. I should be living a life without caution, taking chances, she thought decisively. I should see where this thing with Asher goes. Lord knows, it isn't permanent. We're not staying together until death us do part, she thought with a smirk. She looked down at the phone again and thought, Poor Jamie, he was crazy about me, I just never could quite figure out why.