Shower Thoughts
Disclaimer: Did you know you only sound better in the shower because your voice is reflecting (echoing)? Isn't that amazing?
Isn't this s'posed to be a disclaimer?
Oh, right, sure…. Uh, this is not mine, never was mine, and never will be mine. Oh dear God, I want to own Harry Potter!!! Why don't I? What did I deserve to not own it?
Thank you so much everybody!!! I know that this took ages, but you'll review, won't you? I try my best… :D I love you all!!
Saturday
Emmeline Vance
UGH!!! I HATE REMUS LUPIN.
Not literally, my darling. That is, if you can hear my thoughts. Which would be weird…
Anyway, what the hell was he thinking? What did he think; I like a man in fur? He is disgusting. Tell me honestly, shower head; what would you say if you'd just been asked out by the bloke of your dreams, and he turns up for your date dressed in a fur coat of otter skin? And he tells you that! I can't believe him. I thought we had something. …
And then we went to Madam Puddifoots'. And you know what he did on the way there?
He squashed a frog.
"Emmeline? Emmeline? Are you okay girl?"
"I think she's crying, Lily."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious. Emmeline?"
Door flies open
"I'm fine. Just fine. Good night."
False whisper "I don't think she's fine."
"I'm fine, Dorcas."
"I don't think she is."
"Dorcas."
"Emmeline."
"Are you repeating me now?"
"Are you repeating me now?"
"Dorcas."
"Emmeline."
"Let me sleep, okay?"
"Fine. But we know you're not fine."
"What?"
"Stay out of this Lily."
"But you said we."
"Lily."
"Dorcas."
"Emmeline."
"You don't say your own name, Emmeline!"
"Oh, just leave me alone!"
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Lily, you weren't a part of this."
Remus Lupin
How could I? I'm sure she hates me now. I knew I shouldn't have worn the otter skin. And I think she was a little angry about that frog. It went under my foot. I didn't step on it. It went under me. Damn things.
Maybe I shouldn't have asked Padfoot for fashion advice. He's been out to get me since I told him (in a joking voice!) to wear his Froggy Falls cap. He loved that place. So he bought the cap. And it had a mini waterfall with a giant frog on top. It's not my fault that he took me seriously.
Hehe. Sirius took me seriously. That's one of those priceless lines.
That you say when no-one's around.
"Hey, Prongs, Padfoot, Wormtail! Sirius took me seriously! Get it?"
"Real funny Moony."
"What? It is!"
"I'm so over it Moony."
Gives him evil look "It's your fault Emmeline's mad at me anyway!"
"Oh, so we're still calling her Emmeline, even though she's mad at you!"
"When I get angry at someone, I don't call them by their last name again! That's just stupid."
"Oh, so I'm stupid now?"
"You're seriously stupid."
Silence
"Hey, that's funny!"
Dorcas Meadowes
OH MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?
Probably not, you're just a bar of soap after all.
BUT DO YOU WANNA KNOW?
"Dorcas, quit yelling at the soap!"
Sirius Black, yes, the Sirius Black, asked me, Dorcas Meadowes, to accompany him to Hogsmeade this morning! I wasn't even expecting it! It was so out of the blue! Or should that be out of the black?
Oh, I'm just so happy. He held my hand.
He has a big hand.
A warm, big hand.
Oh, I could just swim in his hand.
"Lily, can you swim in someone's hand?"
"Excuse me?"
"Can you swim in someone's hand?"
"Um, I really don't know."
Muffled "Why don't you try it Dorcas?"
"I might, Emmeline, I just might."
Peter Pettigrew
I hate showers. I hate soap. I hate shampoo. I hate conditioner. I hate them all. All of you, lined up on that shelf like you're important or something. Stupid things. 'Ooh, I'll make you smell like lavender on an April morning…' Then how come that girl said I smelt like a rat from the sewer? Huh? Huh? Whatcha got to say to that, conditioner?
"Peter, are you fighting with the shampoo bottles again?"
"No…this time it's the conditioner."
Muffled thumps
"I do believe that he just tackled that bottle to the floor."
"Thank you Remus. And we're back here at the Bathroom Ground, where Peter Pettigrew has just tackled the conditioner. And what does the conditioner do in retaliation?"
Loud screams
"Your thoughts, Prongs?"
"I think it squirted him in the eye."
"And I think you're right and –"
Peter comes rolling out of the bathroom, wrestling with the conditioner
"Oh my God! And here he is now, the man, Pettigrew, that rat boy; what are your thoughts right now, Peter?"
"I … hate … this … conditioner …"
"And Mr Conditioner?"
Squelching noises
"He squirted me! Ah, all in the life of a commentator and –"
"Sirius!"
"Right, Prongs, I'm on it. Okay, time to switch over to my horse racing voice…"
"Stand back. Spit may fly."
"AndPetertacklesthatbottletotheground!Andwhatishegonnadonow?Ibelieveit'sanevasive manoeuvreandtheregoesthebottle,itsinsidesareonthegroundfolks!Ohmygod,what'shedoingnow?
It'sanothermove,andsquelch!theregoesthatbottle'slastlifelines!It'slidisofffolks! IT IS OFF!"
"Thank you for you for being our commentator this evening, Sirius Black."
"I hope to become one if it doesn't work out in the wizard world."
James Potter
I've been thinking very hard about my question dilemma. I realize now, that perhaps I should have asked someone else. I mean, Lily's nice and all…but…
You know, she's Lily. And she'll never change. Which is why right now, I hate girls. She wouldn't even speak to me today. Even though we were kinda on a double date. With Padfoot and Moony. How come her two best friends will answer questions straight away, but she has to think for a week about her answer? Sigh. Girls are just such a pain.
"'Dear Diary, today I thought about Lily again. I miss her. She never talks to me any more. But I don't blame her. What would girl would answer the question –'"
"Hey, guys, whose next for the – SIRIUS IS THAT MY DIARY?!"
"Possibly, Prongs. Possibly."
"GIVE ME THAT."
"Never! Haha! I stole James' diary! His pink and fuzzy diary!"
"Give. Me. The. Diary."
"Make. Me."
"Alright then."
Tackles him to the ground
"Hey!"
"What the –"
"Watch where you stick your –"
"Your what Padfoot? We're all listening."
"Uh, nothing."
"Poof."
"Hey!"
Lily Evans
I have to answer him tomorrow. I don't wanna! It's all too difficult. His question wasn't one you answer straight up. And only one week to think about it! Sometimes you have to detest your best mates. But I do still love them. They're helping. Kind of.
"Dorcas, do I have to –"
"Yes. Stop asking me!"
"Can't you guys just let me sleep?"
Unison "No."
"Sigh."
It's just…it's not like I like him or anything. Oh, who am I fooling? A freaking shower head? And bar of stupid soap? I mean they don't have much in the way of intelligence, but still. I'm sure that they can see that I'm in love. Aren't I stupid? I'm in love with the guy I've said that I've hated for the past six or so years. How horrible.
"Dorcas, would you think it would be weird if … a friend of mine … said that they hated someone for ages, but then they told me that they were actually in love with them?"
"…Huh?"
"She's saying that she's in love with James. God, Dorcas."
"What? No, I said –"
"Oh stop it. You can so tell."
"I'm still not following."
"You wouldn't. Lily, turn the shower off and we can discuss this."
"Discuss what? I said that my friend –"
"Lily, we all know that we're your only friends that you discuss those kind of things with."
"What? But – No – It's a Muggle friend!"
"Too late Lily."
"Damn."
Sirius Black
Okay, now that I am officially enemies with everything in this bathroom, I have something new to introduce to you all. Yes, I am still talking to you! Even though you have all attacked me in some way. Even you, shower curtain. I remember third year. Oh yeah, you thought I'd forgotten, right? Wrong.
"Ahem. Say hello to … my new … SOAP-FREE SOAP!"
"Sirius, are you introducing a soap to the bathroom?"
"It's not soap! But yes. They can meet the thing that is neither soap, nor is it a body wash."
"You are weird. I should have listened to my psychiatrist. He said someone like you couldn't possibly exist because … well, you're just too dumb. I told him he was wrong, that I really was friends with someone like you. I even showed him a picture."
"What did he say?"
"He fainted and I never saw him again. I think my mother said that he refused to see me."
"Poor Moony. Rejected by a psychiatrist because of me. Aah. Now doesn't that make you feel special."
"Uh, Moony, what picture did you show him?"
"What was that, Prongs?"
"What picture did you show your psychiatrist?"
"That one where we were all covered in scrambled eggs. You know, when we went down to the kitchens in second year?"
"Oh. I understand now."
"It might also have been because it moved. Sirius put the saucepan on his head again and again."
"OW! IT BURNS! OH, WHY CAN'T I FIND ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T HURT ME?"