(Later in the night. Faramir is deep asleep after a long day of cleaning up puke and feeding everyone homemade rice porridge. Everyone else is awake)
Arwen: I…I see the light...
Merry: …right…
Legolas: For the last time, Arwen, you're not DYING!
Aragorn: Gosh, darn Faramir for making us sick! I call a group meeting!
(everyone gathers around. Aragorn leans in)
Aragorn: This is my plan. We give him a silent treatment. Not those corny ones were you write notes to communicate with him, the ones that we ignore him, we pretend he doesn't exist!
Everyone: …
Galadriel: So that's your 'great idea'?
Aragorn: Can YOU think of something better?
Galadriel: Actually, yes. We feed him to a hungry oliphaunt
Eowyn: Now that's a bit too harsh.
Frodo: Oh, so you're going to stand up for the traitor, huh?
Eowyn: Wha—I mean, no, I mean, well, it's not entirely his fault that he chose Applebees!
Arwen: Aren't you a bit mad that you're sick because of him?
Eowyn: well, yeah, but…
Legolas: Then it's settled. We'll start in the morning.
(morning. Everyone is suddenly cured. Breakfast time)
Faramir: Can someone please pass me the butter?
Everyone: … (eats toast)
Faramir: Um, please?
Everyone: …
Faramir: Uhhh…(reaches for butter. Merry suddenly takes it and butters his crossaint)
Faramir: HEY!
(few minutes later. Legolas stands up and 'accidentally' steps on Faramir's foot)
Faramir: Ouch! (whines) Legolas!
Legolas: …
Faramir: …right…(waves hand in front of Arwen) Arwen, can you hear me?
Arwen: …
Faramir: Helloooo? Boromir? Buddy! Can't you talk to me? (playfully punches arm)
Boromir: (flinches but says nothing. For payback, Aragorn knocks down Faramir's cup of milk onto his pants)
Faramir: Heeeeyyy! Aragorn, you klutz! (sighs) Hey Legolas, while you're up there, can you PLEASE get me a napkin?
Legolas: (his hand reaches to the towels, but he catches Aragorn's death glare, squeaks back)
Faramir: Aww, geez, guys, what's wrong? (takes Eowyn's napkin. Eowyn is about to protest but says nothing)
(Breakfast is done. Everyone is doing whatever they want)
Faramir: Galadriel? Can you get me—what the heck, never mind…(turns on tv in protest. Everyone else is upstairs)
Aragorn: Man, this is annoying him like crazy! (high-fives everyone)
Eowyn: Are you sure this is right? He didn't make us sick on purpose, you know.
Boromir: Yeah, Aragorn, (rubs arm where Faramir punched) Man, that little rascal hits hard.
Frodo: I don't really like this. I say we pour some honey on him when he's sleeping and find a hive of red ants
Merry: What if the ants bite us instead?
Pippin: Yeah!
Frodo: tough luck?
Aragorn: Shh, guys! No, we're not doing that. Now that's a little harsh. (drops shield onto ground as if smashing any red ants that were spying) Now let's go back down and do this plan!
(Some hours later)
Faramir: Who's up for some thumb war? Boromir?
Boromir: (almost gets up, but Aragorn pinches him)
Faramir: Arm wrestle?
Boromir: (whimpers)
Faramir: Not even wrestling?
Boromir: (sniffles)
Faramir: (sigh), I guess not. (goes upstairs)
(suddenly, tumbling noises and Faramir returns to ground. Transpires that he stepped on Aragorn's shield and slid back down)
Faramir: (grabs ankle and sniffles) It hurts! I think it's broken (it is)!
Eowyn: (whispers to others) Let's go help him!
Aragorn: No! not until the opportune moment!
Legolas: Wrong movie. PoTC, dude!
Aragorn: Oh well. And the opportune moment is….never!
Faramir: (cries) You guys are so meeaaan!
Eowyn: Aragorn…I'm …sorry but…(rushes to Faramir)
Aragorn: HEY!
(hour later. Faramir needs crutches)
Faramir: You guys are so mean! YOU deserve a silent treatment!
Boromir: Please, with one person?
Faramir: But you guys DO owe me something! Especially you, Aragorn. I slipped on your shield you left on the ground!
Aragorn: Geez, crankypants. Fine, just name it and we'll do whatever.
Faramir: (thinks) well I DO have something in mind….
(later in home. Faramir is wearing Aragorn's crown sitting on a fluffy throne while Boromir and Legolas fan him with large palm leaves. Aragorn is wiping grime off Faramir's feet and the hobbits are belly dancing to I Want It That Way. Eowyn, Arwen, and Galadriel are the messengers)
Faramir: Eowyn, be a dear and bring me some peeled grapes.
Eowyn: Yes master.
Faramir: How about we all have a feast with that Applebees pudding I brought back! When I say we, I mean me, my stomach, and my dashing good looks.
Everyone else: …..
Pippin: This is all your fault Aragorn, you're the one who promised him.
Aragorn: I find this pretty relaxing. His feet are so clean.
Pippin: Perhaps if you compare them to yours. You're not the one with a gold belly ring.
Merry: (also sporting a belly ring) At least they're fake.
Pippin: Well, I believe the tummies of hobbits are meant to hold food, not be a showcase for jewels.
Merry: Yes! I say we have a revolt!
Pippin: Ho, ho, cheerio! You're right! That way, we'll still keep our promise of having him as King, but all kings get guillotined in the end, do they not?
Arwen: I frankly agree with the shorties.
Aragorn: Where in Middle Earth are we going to get a guillotine!
Pippin: We'll use your sword, Aragorn!
Aragorn: The blade that was broken yet remade? I fear that it will be the blade that was rebroken if I try cutting Faramir's big head off.
Pippin: (solemnly) It is for a noble cause.
Aragorn: Let us attempt it then! For Middle Earth!
Arwen: For freedom!
Legolas: For life without a Faramir!
Pippin, Frodo, and Merry: For our bellies!
Boromir: For Daddy! He wanted Faramir dead anyways.
A/N Ooh, this is interesting! THe next chapter will be called 'Don't Try This At Home, Kids!' Stay tuned!