A/N: It was a struggle to write this one ;)
Chapter 5. Shimako's Fear
I'm in love with you…I'm in love with you…I'm in love with you…
It had been going on and on in Toudou Shimako's mind. Nijou Noriko's voice and words were like a broken record in her head. It was starting to irritate her, and yet at the corner of her heart, which she refused to admit, she was happy.
Ever since Noriko, her petite soeur, confessed about her feelings, she avoided her as much as she could. Their friends at the Yamayurikai were starting to notice but she also avoided any questions thrown at her. It was quite a task.
Fukuzawa Yumi, her friend and classmate, in her timid and worried way, had stuttered with the question about what was going on between her and Noriko. She was feeling a bit guilty of not telling anything to Yumi.
Shimazu Yoshino, her other friend and other classmate, had asked a question bluntly. She evaded the question, but knowing Yoshino, she believed that the latter didn't believe her.
And then there was the older ones, Ogasawara Sachiko and Hasekura Rei, Yumi and and Yoshino's grande soeurs, respectively. They hinted their concern, but didn't ask her directly. They knew that she knew that they were concerned. Again, it made her guilty. Hiding something at her friends, like she did before about being born to a family of Buddhist, made her uncomfortable. However, she couldn't tell them. Not yet. She had to address the reason of the current gap between her and Noriko first, and that was something that she didn't know how to solve.
Shimako went to the sakura tree behind the school building. She needed to think and evaluate her feelings. Certainly she wanted to be with Noriko always. Noriko made her happy. Her strong personality and how she handled things with confidence attracted her. And with her, she felt safe and secure.
But in love?
She stared at the sakura tree, the tree that held so much beautiful memories in her life. This was the tree where she met two of the most important persons in her life. Under this tree, she met Satou Sei, and this was the place where she was asked by the latter to be her petite soeur. Later on, after her Onee-sama graduated, she met Noriko under this tree, and soon made her as her petite soeur under this same tree. This tree made it possible for her to meet the persons she treasured the most in life, and she was overjoyed to have them.
In this same tree also, Noriko confessed her feelings for her.
But to have love that was something like that?
Didn't she have so much already?
She had loving friends and family.
Should she desire to have some more?
Did she deserve to have that kind of love?
That last question was the question that would hunt Shimako for the days to come.
With everyone, she wore a perfectly molded armor, although with Noriko, it was useless because the latter could perfectly feel and read her emotions.
"Shimako-san, just because I told you that I'm in love with you, it doesn't mean that you have to be in love with me, too. All I want is for you to let me show you how much you mean to me. That's all, Shimako-san. So please, stop worrying too much," Noriko said one afternoon when they finally had time alone together, when Shimako failed to avoid her.
"Noriko."
Noriko smiled at her, then held her hand and led her towards the school gate in silence.
"Please take care, Shimako-san. Good day."
"Hmm? Yes. You take care, too, Noriko. Good day."
As she watched Noriko's form disappeared to the bus, she remembered the latter's words.
"You don't need to love me back, Shimako-san. Just let me love you."
That night, Shimako was so deep in thought that she hadn't noticed her father sat beside her until he spoke.
"Something troubles you that you've been acting like this lately?"
"Father…"
Her father gazed up at the cloudy sky.
"The sky seems troubled, too. But soon, those clouds would be lifted and the stars would shine brightly. A clear beautiful sky could lift a lonely spirit, just as a troubled sky can make you feel lonely, too. You are just like the sky right now, Shimako-chan."
"Father…"
"Don't you think people around you would feel better if you don't look like a cloudy sky? Don't you think you should let go now, let go of the things that have been troubling you? I want to see everyday the daughter I've known ever since Noriko-chan came into her life."
"But Father…"
She couldn't seem to say anything except the word father. It didn't surprise her that much that her father knew what was happening to her. Somehow, it didn't surprise her too, that her father understood her and was even consenting. That was just like him, always thinking first about her happiness.
However, would it be really that easy?
"Ever since you are a young girl, you're very responsible and a selfless person. If it's possible, you want to give everything you have without accepting anything in return. It is really admirable and your mother and I are very happy to have such daughter. But you know, as you give, you should also learn to receive, too. When you gave something to someone, what do you feel?"
"I'm happy to give to others, Father."
"Right. So you should let the others feel what you also feel. Everyone deserves to be happy, Shimako-chan. Not only the others but you also. You shouldn't be afraid."
With those words, her father left her.
She gazed up at the sky as she pondered the things in her life.
Could she leave Noriko like that? Refused her love because she didn't think she deserved something like that and thus, making everyone worried about her?
Everyone deserves to be happy…
She imagined how happy Noriko would be if she accepted her, if she would be true to herself.
Suddenly, tears stung her eyes. She now understood what she had to do.
A/N: I really have a poor grasp of Shimako and Noriko's characters so writing their story was really hard for me, but I tried my best, I swear.
And uhm, I'll be locking myself in a room for a while, make sure that the windows and the door are tightly shut, to avoid being hit by flying spoons and stuffs. I'll come out after I've written Yumi's part, promise!
---Arvendell---
03 February 2008