EXTRA LONG CHAPTER TODAY!
OK SO FINALLY 'THE LIST'
HOPE U LIKE.
DO ENJOY.
I OWN NO ONE!!!
REVIEW MEEEEEEE!!! thnx
'The List'
"Lily, why are you being so quiet?" Ellie asked her, scanning her face for an answer. It had been 30 minutes since McGonagall had left, so Lily took the opportunity to read up on today's lesson in her book.
"Hmm" She mumbled, not taking her eyes from 'Transfiguration Today (for the Modern Witch and Wizard)'.
"Never mind" her friend sighed, also flicking through her pages.
"Hey Remus, you know you told me to ignore Lily, see if it winds her up? Well I don't think it's working"
"Trust me James, I ignored her for a whole weekend once because she told her friend Jessica that I fancied her, she's never wanted to talk to me so much in her life"
"Well…maybe, because she's so used to ignoring me anyway, she doesn't find it any different"
"I dunno James…"
"I'm going to try doing that thing you told me, you know, talking to her like a normal person"
"Oh good"
"I just have one teensy weensy problem"
"What's that?"
"I don't know how to do it" Remus shook his head again in pity. He began to scribble something down on a spare piece of parchment. James read over his shoulder 'The List', "What's 'The List'?"
"This list is going to give you everything you need to make her fall madly in love with you, it will provide you with ways to grab her attention, things to talk to her about, small little insignificant details about her life that will mean everything to her if you know about, this James, is the list that will win you Lily Evans, this list, will be the list you will live by"
"Wow, give it here!"
"It's not finished yet you dingbat, I've only just started"
"But what do I do for now?"
"Keep ignoring her"
"But it's so hard!"
"Just do it Prongs"
To the classes surprise a silvery object which they identified as a cat came pouncing into the classroom straight through the wall. They thought it might have been a ghost but many recognised it as a Patronus.
"It's McGonagall's" Lily whispered.
"How can you tell?" Sirius asked.
"Because her animagus is a cat you moron"
"Shut up Simpson"
"Oh boo hoo don't make me cry Black"
"Just shut up both of you!" James screamed, they looked quite taken aback, "Listen to the goddamn cat". The cat opened its mouth and out came the voice of their Professor.
"I want an essay on 'why transfiguring metals is so helpful in today's industry' in by next lesson, use pages 345 – 347 to help you, Class is dismissed" A cheer erupted from the students.
"But we still have 20 minutes till the lessons over!" Remus said flabbergasted, to which everyone turned round and lobbed balls of parchment at him, "which is awesome!" he added weakly. Lily laughed at her friend and winked at him. James noticed this and jealousy bubbled up inside him.
"Don't worry James, you can have her" he assured him, patting him on the shoulder.
"You can have her" he mimicked. The class gathered their belongings and left the classroom. With 20 minutes left till lunch they had nothing to do. Friends separated off from the rest of the class into different directions, Lily and Ellie decided to go off into the courtyard. Much to their dismay the Marauders decided to follow.
"Hey Simpson your laces are untied" Sirius shouted at her. She rolled her eyes, the fact that her shoes had no laces made his attempt at making her look down pathetic, however she tripped up and had to grab onto Lily's skirt, which she pulled down with her, because miraculously all of a sudden she had laces on her shoes, which were in fact untied. Lily screamed and pulled up her skirt, she was so glad that she had her cloak to cover her; this didn't stop the Marauders howling with laughter though.
"You're disgusting!" Lily screamed at them.
"Oh write a book about it Evans" Sirius laughed.
"You pig!" Sirius snorted in reply.
"Next time, why don't you forget to wear a cloak?" Sirius winked at her. James laughed but found himself feeling sorry for her, he didn't know why though; it was normally him that would torture her like this.
"I can't believe you find this funny Remus!" Ellie shouted at him.
"I'm sorry it was just the look on your faces"
"Typical boys!" Ellie said loudly, "Can't live with them, can't hex them into the next Millennium" She stormed off with Lily in pursuit.
"We are too bad!" Remus said to them, still in hysterics.
"Look who's laughing now Moony, I thought we were too cruel!"
"Ok, sometimes I just have to laugh, I mean, when you target more than one person it becomes funnier"
"Why do you always flirt with her Sirius?"
"Who Simpson? I don't flirt with her…" He trailed off.
"I meant Lily"
"You're having a bubble aren't you James?"
"No…you always wink at her"
"I wink at your mum too, doesn't mean I want her in bed does it!" James turned a bright shade of crimson, Peter burst into a fresh fit of giggles.
"Maybe she fancies you"
"Who doesn't James?" Sirius asked pointedly.
"Don't listen to him James, Lily would have to be 100 times dumber to fancy Sirius instead of you"
"Oh thanks Remus!"
"Go lick a cauldron" The three remaining Marauders laughed at Sirius, who folded his arms in a strop and stomped off into the courtyard.
"I can't believe that little toad tripped me up" Ellie fumed, cutting the laces off her shoes.
"I can't believe you pulled down my skirt in front of them!"
"It wasn't my fault! At least you had your cloak covering you; I had nothing to hide my beetroot face"
"What a pair we are eh?" Lily laughed. Ellie smiled up at her best friend.
"Lunchtime!" Ellie said happily, throwing the last bit of lace in the bin, "There you go, good as new" They strolled off to lunch.
"Is my list finished yet Moony?"
"What list?"
"'The List' Padfoot"
"Ok then what's 'The List'?"
"'The List' is possibly the only list that will get Lily Evans in my arms where she belongs"
"Ha-ha!"
"What's so funny?"
"You're getting girl advice off Remus. You could have just asked me"
"If I treated Lily how you treat girls then I might only have one eye"
"Why one eye?"
"Because she would have scratched the other one out"
"It always seems to work for me"
"The girls you go for have an IQ the same as the size of their feet"
"Yeah, but they're the best in bikinis"
"Lily's right, you're disgusting" James said, Sirius laughed and panted like a dog.
"…and then we got let out of class 20 minutes early" Lily was recalling to one of their Gryffindor friends, Samantha, who shared a dorm with them.
"So when did Sirius pull your skirt down?"
"No Ellie pulled my skirt down because Sirius tripped her"
"What a bully"
"You don't say- don't look now but here they come" Ellie said, looking down at her plate of spaghetti.
"Hi Lily" James said eagerly. Lily's heart fluttered but she put it down to indigestion.
"Hi…James" James beamed at the way she called him James.
"She means Potter" Ellie sneered at him, pulling Lily away from his gaze. James smile turned to a frown. Sirius laughed but received himself a glare from Ellie; he attempted to glare back but was laughing too hard to achieve anything.
"You're making it smell around here Black, go away" She said shooing him off.
"Want to go to Hogsmeade with me this Saturday?" He asked her.
"Why on earth would I want to do that to myself?"
"I have absolutely no idea"
"No Black, I wouldn't like to go to Hogsmeade with you this Saturday" She said sounding resigned.
"Oh well it was worth a try, what about you Samantha?" Ellie looked at him incredulously.
"No thanks Black, I don't think my boyfriend would like it" She said pointing to a particularly tonk looking boy sitting at the Ravenclaw table, flexing his muscles which were as big as Sirius himself.
"Oh, right, yeah better not tell him about this" Sirius said quickly, hurrying off down the hall.
"Bye Lily" James said dreamily.
"Bye" She replied with a small wave.
"So now you like him do you?" Ellie asked her slapping her on the shoulder.
"Who said I liked him?" She blushed and looked away.
"Bye James" She mimicked, flicking her hair over her shoulder.
"I didn't say it like that"
"Whatever, Lily, I say go for it but if you don't wanna then…"
"No, I don't wanna actually" She said, focussing her attention on her tuna and mayonnaise sandwich.
"You are so difficult child" Ellie sighed.
Lily had Potions next, the one subject that Ellie didn't join her in taking. She was upset to hear that all four Marauders were also taking this subject, and that Samantha, Jessica and Sophie all took it at a different time to her. This left her on her own.
"James, I think I've finally finished 'The List'"
"'The List'!" James cried out in exasperation. He grabbed the parchment from his friend's hands and read it hungrily. He cleared his throat to read it out loud, they were alone for the minute, no one else had arrived to class yet and Slughorn was no where to be seen.
"' Created by Remus Lupin, a copyright product of Marauder Merchandise.
How to win the heart of Lily Evans in ten easy steps
Step number 1)Complimenting a girl. This is where you begin your attempts to win Lily Evans. Lily will feel a million dollars if you are to compliment her regularly. She will show signs of gratitude in the forms of 'fluttering eyelashes', 'gentle hand movements', 'unforced smiles' (this is where she shows all of her teeth), 'return compliments' and 'not throwing anything at you'. If you are to receive any of these reactions you may carry on with the compliments, if you do not however, it is better to back away now with all body limbs in tact, Lily Evans can sometimes resemble a Hippogriff in her actions.
Step number 2) Showing common interest in a girl. Lily will appreciate you taking an interest in her life. Asking her what cup size her bra is will not be appreciated by said forth, however asking her how her pet hamster, 'Hamlet', is will most probably spark a decent (however short) conversation. She likes to think that taking her to bed is not the only intention you have with her. Using phrases like 'and how do you feel about that?', 'so that's why you're so wonderfully skilled in that particular subject' and 'what do you think Lily?' will earn you extra brownie points. Phrases like 'so which side of the family is your ginger hair from?', 'how's your sister Petunia doing?' and 'don't worry Lily, I'm sure everyone has a weakness, just happens that you're a crap flier', will receive you either a kick in the crotch or a slap around the face. NB: Best to avoid these.
Step number 3) Ignoring a girl to get her to notice you. Once you have shown Lily that you have begun to take an interest in her now is your time to change tactics. It has been proven that Lily Evans does not appreciate being ignored. She will try her hardest to gain someone's attention if their intention is to not receive it. If you are ignoring Lily she will make little noises under her breath such as 'ooh' and 'ahh'. Do not be alarmed by these noises, these simply show that a clock inside her head is ticking as she thinks of the next best way to stop you from ignoring her. She will stare at you for minutes on end without blinking until you look at her. If you do not look at her for at least 2 minutes she will hold her breath for exactly 23 seconds, this shows that you ignoring her is really getting to her. If you are in anticipation that she will fall in love with you then this is a major step in your procedure. She will not appreciate you messing her around however. If you decide to use the ignoring tactics then you must, I repeat MUST, stick to them until you have achieved your goal, do not keep switching back and forth to compliments and blanking. Lily hates nothing worse than someone who lies, deceits or messes her around.
Step number 4) Making a girl paranoid. This is a good way to emphasise your ignorance towards Lily. Although this seems to be the harshest way to win a girls heart it seems to be one of the most effective. A girls pride is something she cherishes beyond most things. Well, at least a girl like Lily Evans. Looking at her and smiling can give her comfort, however looking at her and laughing can drive her crazy. She will become so self conscious that she will not want to talk or look at anyone. This can be used to your advantage. If Lily believes that something is wrong with her you can put Step number 1 (see line 5) into action. Compliment her like you have never complimented a girl before, she will take any compliment you throw at her, you may even receive a few yourself, however don't be disheartened if you don't. After all, she believes it is all about her. Here are a few full proof compliments you can use to your effect: 'Wow, your hair looks amazing today, then again, it always does', 'you know, I've never seen eyes quite like yours, no one else compares really, they're just so beautiful' and 'you're so clever Lily, I wish I could be as clever as you, I bet your parents are so proud'. Just remember to steer clear of cheesy chat up lines like: 'hey, I've lost my number, can I have yours?', 'hey, do your feet hurt? Because you've been running through my mind all night' and 'hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from heaven' and whatever you do avoid, at all costs, the infamous 'hey, have you lost weight?' This will most probably be the last thing you ever say.
Step number 5 Getting a girl to trust you. It will take a long time to get Lily Evans to trust you. This is because trust does not come as easily to some as others, Lily is one of those people who has to scrutinize everyone before she can decide whether or not they are friend or foe. She is far from judgemental, however she still finds it hard to trust (it's your fault for being in love with such a complex sort of girl). As she has already decided that you are swine it may take longer for you to persuade her otherwise. A good place to start is telling her one of your own secrets. This shows that you trust her with your secrets. It is better to tell her something small though because there is no guarantee that she won't tell someone else. Once she has realised that you seriously trust her she will become more flexible about trusting you. It will also provide her with leverage, example, if you tell people about Lily's secret it is now in her power to tell people about yours. A serious note on this occasion: Remember to NOT TELL ANYONE LILY'S SECRET, she will never ever trust you this way.
Step number 6 Touching a girl (in a none provocative way). Girls are very touchy feely, Lily often enjoys touching me on the hand or arm. This shows that she trusts me (to find out how to make Lily trust you see Step number 5). If Lily trusts you then she will most probably touch you in the same way. Hugging is one of her favourites. Touching her lightly on the arm just above the elbow is a good way to make her feel more comfortable around you. This is not intruding in her personal space and it is not making her think that you want to be 'more than friends'. If you touch her somewhere that she is not comfortable with you touching you will repel her as instantly as Snape repels shampoo. You will be able to tell if she is uncomfortable because her eyes will flash dangerously or you will feel a sharp pain sear through your body as her fist comes into contact with your stomach.
Step number 7 Suggesting to a girl that you spend time together. Now that Lily Evans trusts you, (if Lily still does not trust you reread and apply Step numbers 5 and 6), you can suggest spending some quality bonding time together. Do not be too forward about this; this only gives her a reason to humiliate you. Drop subtle hints such as 'so Hogsmeade is coming up this Saturday' and 'oh you have a free period next too, so do I' these show that you have not targeted her specifically, it just happened by coincidence that you both have free time to spend that could be spent together. It is unlikely that she will ever ask to spend time with you, if this does happen however act cool and casual, she will not find it sophisticated if you do 'the dance' in front of her. This might embarrass her and she could reclaim her invitation.
Step number 8 Spending time with a girl. Once you have suggested spending time with Lily and she has cordially agreed you cannot mess things up. Unless she is under the impression that you are on a 'date' it is vital that you do not mention the word. This will only freak her out. Also, if you are just 'hanging out' as 'friends' then you should not make a big hoo-ha out of it. A nice single rose may be a munificent token but chocolates, flowers and a multi-lingual teddy bear that says 'I Love You' in 16 different languages (including Kentish) is going over board. She will catch on that your intentions are more than just 'friendly' and will leave you broken hearted. Here is the time to implement Step numbers 1, 2 and 6. Compliments will make her feel special whilst on your 'get together' and will give her a reason to stay. Touching her in the right places (by right I don't mean what Sirius would think right) will make her feel safe and secure with you, this is a definite turn on for girls, a man that can make them feel like the world couldn't touch them. Then you must put into effect Step number 2! You cannot spend the whole time complimenting her and touching her arm, you must be able to talk to her! Ask her questions about her life, DON'T RELATE EVERYTHING SHE SAYS TO YOURSELF! If she says something along the lines of 'oh enough about me, what about you?' reply by saying 'but you're so much more interesting than me!' and then carry on with talking about yourself. This shows that you considered whether or not to talk about yourself before actually going ahead with it. This shows humbleness, a real attraction in Lily's eyes. And remember kissing on a first 'date' or whatever you want to call it is strictly forbidden! She will find you pushy and lustful. It will also make her more respectful of herself. This will make her happier to be with you. By the end of the first gathering you will hopefully have had time to arrange a second one. If she has not given you the chance then this could be a bad sign. If she ends the date with the phrase 'see you around' she has had an awful time and does not actually want to see you around. If she ends it with 'I've had a nice time' it's been ok but not by any means her best and if she ends it with 'I'll owl you' it means that she never will. If you leave her hanging like in Step number 3 she will want you more, and if she leaves you hanging she either doesn't want another date or she wants to have the same effect on you as you are hoping to have on her (the latter of these shows great progress). These are very dark waters and events could go either way, so you will just have to make sure she enjoys spending time with you. I have mentioned all of the ways she can reject you however I have not told you the ways in which she will imply a second date is in order. This is because she will say nothing; her eyes will say it all, so remember to look into them as she leaves. Sparkling eyes are always a good sign.
Step number 9 Asking a girl out. Now is the time you have been waiting for, now is the time to ask Lily Evans to be your girlfriend. You must only initiate this step when you have been on at least three proper dates (this does not include 'study dates' or lunches in the Great Hall). You must get your wording perfect so as to not scare her away or make her laugh abruptly in your face, bounce off, and tell all of her friends about what a ponce you are. It is better to ask her out on a date, (this can include your third date, remember no study dates or lunches!), this means that she is happily spending time with you and is not in the middle of a 5 foot long Potions essay on different types of wild fungi and why some are better in soups than others. 'Lily, I love spending time with you, you're all I think about, you're all I eat, sleep, drink and dream, I can't stand the thought of not being with you and it makes me want to kill myself when we are apart' will make her run off screaming in terror, this could also result in your one way ticket to either St Mungos or Azkaban. Not good. You should be careful to not include too much detail about how much you love her, keep it sweet and simple, a small compliment will suffice 'Lily, it's been so great spending time with you, you're so beautiful and you make me feel like the luckiest man alive when I'm with you, please would you consider being my girlfriend' The use of the word 'consider' here means that she has a choice. Giving her a choice is definitely the right way to go. She does not feel pressured, yet she feels obliged. This is the most important part of 'The List', this is not a simple date you are asking her for, this is the real balooza, this is you asking her to be your girlfriend! (Remember to contain yourself from doing the dance if she says yes, she still has the chance to dump your ass!).
Step number 10 How to initiate and carry out the first kiss. 9 out of 10 girls say that the first kiss gives you everything you need to know about a boy. The same applies for Lily Evans. If you get the first kiss wrong (this can include too much tongue, too little tongue, no tongue at all and biting) then you're pretty much damned for the rest of your relationship. A girl likes to remember her first kiss like she will remember her wedding, her first pet, and in Lily's case her first O in a Charms assignment. You must make it perfect. Perfect scenario, perfect day, perfect breath. Extra tic-tacs will come in handy here. No eye contact can be made during the kiss; you must keep your eyes closed no matter how much you want to open them. This will freak her out and it will also give her the chance to see how strange you look when you kiss. Never and I repeat NEVER tell her she looks funny when she kisses, even if she looks like a goldfish giving a camel mouth to mouth resuscitation. She will not thank you for it and it could make her think twice about kissing you again. Remember to tell her how good she is at kissing, but don't ask her how she got so good. This shows jealousy which is weakness and it also shows untrustworthiness.
If you can perfect all of the above steps then you are most definitely going to have Lily Evans in your arms. It is all a matter of patience, accuracy and faith.
P.S. Oh and James, do something with your hair. She absolutely despises that thing you do to mess it up.
P.P.S Her favourite things include: school, books, lilies, sweets, her prefect badge, eating food, cooking food, smelling food and talking about food.
Her dislikes include: Sirius Black, teachers that mark her down because she so blatantly outsmarts them and this makes them think she's a threat and that she'll take their jobs, bullies, people who take food from her, people who call her greedy, anorexic people who don't like food and you (but I'm sure we can change the last one)."
"Wow Remus…that's one long list"
"It's not a list Sirius it's 'The List'".
"I don't appreciate myself being one of Evans dislikes much" Sirius said with a huff.
"Don't take it to heart Padfoot"
"Well maybe sometimes I do" People had finally started filing into the classroom and he sat down on his chair to sulk.
"I think I've put steps 1, 2, 3 and 4 efficiently into practise, don't you?"
"Oh that was just a starter James, from now on you will live, breathe, sleep and dream 'The List'"
"Right, live, sleep and eat the list, got it!"
"No James I didn't say eat I said…oh never mind" Remus sat down in his seat.