Tony almost stumbled into his apartment and leaned heavily against the door, not even remembering that he had closed it. His breathing came in fast, shallow gasps and his heart was pounding so hard that he was sure that the neighbors could hear it. With a loud roar he slammed his fist into the wall, causing white-hot pain to shoot up along his arm from the knuckles to the shoulder. He welcomed the pain, because it made him almost forget about why he was so upset.

He got out of his jacket and kicked the shoes off his feet before walking over to the couch. He collapsed onto it and closed his eyes, holding his aching hand against his chest. It felt like it was broken, but right now he actually didn't care. He could always let Ducky take a look at it in the morning.

He sighed and sat up and rested his face in his good hand. God, what was happening to him? Had he just admitted to himself that he had feelings for Gibbs? Yeah, it was exactly what he had done. But why? He wasn't gay. Or was he?

Tony took a good look on himself and found out that no, he was definitely notgay. He wasn't even sure that he could call himself bisexual, since the only man he had ever wanted was Gibbs. But Gibbs was also the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and... Argh, everything was so God damn confusing! Why could life never be easy?

He got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. There he took a beer from the fridge and downed it in one big gulp, after removing the cap with his teeth. He threw the empty bottle in the bin and then grabbed another one, treating it the same way as the first. He was just about to reached for a third beer, but stopped himself and closed the fridge firmly. Getting drunk would not solve any problems, even if he wished that it was so. All it would give him was a major hangover, and that definitely wouldn't do him any good.

With some difficulty he managed to remove his clothes and stepped into the shower, turning up the heat until the water became so hot that it almost scalded him. He stood there for almost an hour, letting the water soak him completely, letting his thoughts swirl in his head as they pleased. He certainly didn't care anymore.

He turned the water off and rubbed himself dry with a towel before going to bed. He laid on his back, just staring up in the ceiling, waiting for sleep to take him, thinking of what he should do. A billion or so ideas came to his mind, but he rejected them all. When he finally made up his mind, he let himself roll over on his side and closed his eyes, letting himself drift off to sleep. He just hoped that he had made the right decision.

XxXxXxX

Gibbs took a swig of his bourbon while he ran a hand over the smooth wood on his boat. Working with his hands had always used to help him to calm down, but not tonight for some reason. He couldn't stop thinking of Tony's odd behavior. Why had the boy bolted like that? It was almost as he'd been afraid. But of what?

Then he remembered the look in the kid's eyes, filled with sorrow, longing and confusion mixed together. He had looked so vulnerable. So terribly vulnerable, as if any wrong word would've destroyed him. Or worse.

And then there was that look of panic when he had asked Tony what the hell was matter with him. Gibbs didn't want to admit it, but it had nearly broken his heart, and he had been so close to pull Tony into a tight embrace to make his fears go away and...

No! He wouldn't go there. He couldn't go there. Why didn't he see that? He really had to stop this. Why didn't he realize that? Why?

Because you're in love with him, said a dry voice in the back of his head.

No! He couldn't be! Gibbs shook his head violently in try to get rid of that mocking voice, but it just wouldn't go away.

You know just as well as I do that it is the truth, it said, and Gibbs just knew that it smirked at him. You are in love with the boy. You might just as well admit it. His face is the last thing you want to see before you fall asleep at night, and his morning wood the first thing you want to feel when you wake up. Isn't that so, Jethro?

"No!" Gibbs flung the cup with all the force he was might straight into the wall, where it shattered in thousands of tiny pieces.

Don't deny it, Jethro. You'll only make it worse for yourself if you do.

By then, Gibbs was panting heavily and hot tears ran down his face. Every muscle in his entire body was tightened into knots and his hands was shaking uncontrollably.

"I will never break my own rules", he said through his tightly teeth.

Is it so much better to break your own heart? 'Cause that's what going to happen if you don't acknowledge your feelings.

Gibbs took a deep breath and straightened his back.

"I wont betray Shannon!"

Of course you wont. You can't betray Shannon. Or Kelly. All they want is for you to be happy, and if Tony makes you happy, then so be it.

Jethro, your love for Tony isn't wrong. Love can never be wrong. You know that. And your love for Shannon and Kelly wont fade away just because you let Tony into your heart. There's plenty of room for the three of you in there. You know it's true.

Suddenly Gibbs knees gave way under him and the next moment they hit the concrete floor hard. The tears were running freely down his cheeks now. Suddenly he could see Tony before him, smiling warmly at him with his eyes shining with love and humor. And Gibbs couldn't help but smile back. God how he longed for the real Tony to look at him that way.

It was as a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He didn't care about the rules or... or anything else in that matter. He knew what he wanted. He knew how he felt. He was such a fool not to admit it to himself until now.

Say it, Jethro.

"I love him." Gibbs threw his head back and laughed with relief. "I love him!"

Then everything is as it should be.

Gibbs wasn't sure what the voice meant with its last comment, but he sure didn't care. He got up from the floor and up from the basement. He went into his living room and picked up a picture of Shannon and Kelly from the bookcase. He gave them a tender smile and lightly ran a finger down their faces.

"I wish you were here", he mumbled.

They are here, Jethro.

Gibbs winced slightly in surprise and frowned.

"I thought you had left", he said.

Not yet. A pause. You will see them again, Jethro, and until that day, they will always be watching over you. They would approve of Tony.

"I know." Gibbs sighed and put the picture back on its place. Yes, Shannon and Kelly would approve of Tony. He just wished that they could've had a chance to meet.

Go to bed, Jethro. Everything will reveal itself tomorrow.

Yes. Tomorrow.

Gibbs went upstairs, got out of his clothes and went to bed. He was just about to fall asleep when it struck him. What if Tony turned him down? He didn't know if he could live with that.

Don't worry about it, Jethro. Everything will be just fine. Go to sleep now.

Gibbs sighed heavily and closed his eyes. Yes. Everything would be just fine.

tbc?