Part 6: Recovering
See Part 1 for disclaimers
Okay, so I really should be in bed right now, but when I get on a writing roll like this I just have to keep going! This story is currently being written under the influence of no caffeine and LOTS of country music. Well, hope you enjoy the chapter and don't forget to REVIEW! You cannot imagine the huge silly grin I get on my face whenever I get one of those "Review Alert" emails, so why not be the one to make me smile? Just take a minute of your time and hit that button that says, "review." You don't even have to log in! How much easier could it be?
Oh, and I should probably mention that this chapter is from Natalie's point of view… It's probably going to be kind of short; it's just her thoughts the night before Viki and the crew show up. WILL be depressing! Suddenly I'm grateful I put this under 'angst'…
One last note, the poem IS mine, so please don't use it anywhere without my express consent.
Thanks for reading & reviewing, and until next time… Manda
When I was ten, Roxy's boyfriend used to look at me in a way that scared the hell out of me. I used to lay in my room at night and imagine that at any moment he was going to come into my bedroom. The darkness was always suffocating to me, but Roxy wouldn't even allow me a night-light. Her electric bill was always more than we could afford without having a light on all night, she would tell me even while she smoked and drank her meager earnings from her dead-end job away.
In my worst nightmares I have never again experienced that terror I would feel as I lay shivering underneath my blankets in that terrifying blackness… until today, that is. When I realized what he wanted to do to me, I was thrown back into that childlike fear and I couldn't think straight, couldn't do anything to stop him… I didn't even try to fight. What kind of person doesn't try to fight off her rapist, just lies there and lets him have his way?
What will Michael think of me now, I wonder? Will he look at me in disgust or with pity? Either way, I know now that we'll never be able to be together. I can't let myself get involved with someone as good as him, I'm damaged goods now.
No, I can't blame myself. It's not my fault, I know that in my mind, but in my heart I feel like it is. Oh god, how am I supposed to get past this when every time I close my eyes I feel like he's standing right by the bed, and I can see him in my mind leaning over to pull the sheets back…
My body shakes as I begin to sob again, haunted by the memory of him and the picture of Jessica. It had been after he had dressed, just before he told me to begin counting. He had turned to leave, then picked up the picture and said, "Nice picture. You call the cops before you count to a hundred and I'll find her. I have your address in Llanview, so it won't be hard."
I begin to pray desperately. God, if you're real, please protect Jessica from that maniac. I never want anyone to know this kind of pain, but especially not her. And please help me to deal with this pain, Lord. I know I have to face it, but it's so hard… What am I supposed to do when Mom and the others get here tomorrow? God, just show me what to do please.
But what hurts the most is that no matter how I try, I can't get rid of the niggling feeling that I'm forgetting something important about him, something that would lead the police straight to the bastard. Why won't my brain work? The harder I try to think of it, the further everything seems to retreat…
I sigh and sit up in bed, knowing by now I was getting no sleep. I grab some paper and a pen, feeling the urge to write. Growing up with Roxy, I would always write whenever I needed to get away from the memory of something particularly awful she'd done, and the habit had never fully gone away. I opened my notebook to a blank page and the tears poured forth with the words.
I'm terrified
You ripped me in two
When you violated my body
You violated my mind
You took by force
What I save for love
Why did you do this
Why me, why anyone?
I lie awake in bed
Afraid to sleep
Afraid to stay awake
Caught in this nightmare world
There's no escape
I'm trapped here
You put me here
And now I can't get out
I drop the pen, unable to continue and curl into the fetal position as I sob harder than ever before.
TO BE CONTINUED