Not A Friend

Every time she stares at me, I feel really awful, but every time she doesn't stare at me, I feel worse. I'm weird, aren't I?

No. I'm not weird, just crazy, that's all. Crazily in love. One day, a sharp-tongued she-cat with her dusky brown pelt and big eyes entered my life. And changed it totally.

What can I say? She doesn't love me, as simple as that. Even though it's hard to avoid her gaze, I still want to look in those green (?) depths… to check if she happen to change her mind. For each time I meet her gaze, in her eyes was the glow of friendship, nothing more.

I wouldn't deny I once had a crush on Willowpelt. It couldn't be helped, since we were always the best of friends. But it was only a little "like", not "love". I wasn't prepared to be her mate or anything. When she was expecting Whitestorm's kits, I was didn't quite know how to react. I felt happy for her all the same.

But I knew if it was her who was expecting another tom's kits, I would be more than just a little disappointed. With that thought came the realization that Mousefur was not just a good friend.

I knew she doesn't look at me that way, but she never looked at any other tom that way either, so I guessed she doesn't love any other tom. That means I've got all chances to capture her heart.

Mousefur seemed like a strong she-cat, but she could be otherwise. She was injured badly on the battle when Redtail died, that is why I want to protect her. She might not thank me for that; she's not some pretty little she-cat that needs my protection. All the same, my heart wrenches when I saw her return from a battle. Whether physically or mentally, Mousefur is a really strong cat, she will hold out. But I am stronger in both ways. That is why I feel the need to take charge in her safekeeping.

Mousefur may not return my love, but I hope she will not return any other cat's love.

I'm selfish, aren't I? But love is selfish in the beginning. Not only selfish, love is absolutely cruel, unfair and painful. Well, what I think anyway. It's bad in a way that it plays with everyone. There's no direct answer in love. Mousefur was the reason, but I don't blame her at all.

Blame me for being so shy when it comes to love, blame me for not being worthy enough for her, blame me for not showing her I care.

One day, I had the chance to go out on a patrol with her and Thornpaw. I decided to tell her that very day.

"Mousefur," I meowed softly, padding up to her. "Can I talk to you?"

Mousefur nodded and ordered her apprentice to go ahead and catch some prey, if possible.

After making sure Thornpaw was out of sight, she slowed her pace, looking at me expectantly.

I brought my eyes to meet hers, and I saw the glow that held the same sense of friendship and something else. It brought a sense of hope to me, even if it isn't what I wanted it to be.

"Mousefur… " I broke off. I had told myself over and over again never to hesitate, especially at this critical moment. But I had looked into her eyes for too long, and now I couldn't say anything.

"Oh, come on, Runningwind.. we're friends right? You can tell me anything."

I stared at the she-cat sorrowfully. "Friends?" I murmured, my heart on its way to breaking. "No... I--"

I never finished my sentence. My words were interrupted with an earsplitting cry. A scent hit me, almost familiar, but I couldn't identify it. Confusion and horror were my first feelings. But the feeling that really stayed was disappointment. My only thought was: Not now, please...

Unfamiliar scents blasted onto me, suffocating me thoroughly. I let out a battle cry as soon as I saw Thornpaw among the throng of strangers. Leaping onto the first ragged cat, I felt a rush of exhilaration. Growling, I clawed at his belly mercilessly as he scratched my shoulder. Finally, I let him go.

Something struck me from behind and I yowled in pain. Flashes of rogues tearing at Mousefur sent a jolt of fear through my heart. I knew I had to protect her. This was the perfect time to show I care, the perfect time to make up for my loss. Furious, I summon as much energy as I can manage and pushed away from the mangy tom on top of me. Pinning him down, I dipped my head to finish him off. But before my teeth could meet fur, I was pulled off roughly.

I closed my eyes. The reek was powerful; there were just too many rogues. I let myself go limp, waiting for my opponent to strike me so I can use my trick.

When nothing happened, I opened my eyes a teeny bit. My eyes flew open. That dark tabby pelt… broad shoulders… smoldering amber eyes… Tigerclaw!

"Greet StarClan for me," he growled, unsheathing his claws. I heard a yelp somewhere and craned to look at the dusky brown she-cat I had tried so hard to love. Fear clouded her eyes and she let out another cry. The horror and pain in her eyes were clear; I wish those emotions were because me.

I blinked. And blinked again. Was that… love I saw in those green depths? I blinked for the third time. I wasn't imagining things… it's true! Sorrow battled with love in her eyes, as she let out a cry filled with pain.

"…and kill all of you, one by one." I didn't realize Tigerclaw was talking. He meant his threat. I watched Mousefur's expression change to one of rage. "Let him off!" She screeched.

No. Don't try to defend me, Mousefur. It's over for me.

With a pang, I realize I've been protecting her secretly for a long time, but at the one time when she needed my protection, which is right now, I couldn't defend her. I had failed.

I focused my gaze on Tigerclaw and the last thing I saw, heard, smelled, tasted and felt was Tigerclaw's flash of claws, Mousefur's yowl of grief, the stink of the rogues, the taste of my own salty blood and the feeling of pain and love mingled.

I felt darkness enveloping me, as my senses failed and the world around me blended in the blackness. I sighed softly, finally contented. The words I've been unable to say echoed in my mind.

Mousefur... I have never treated you as a friend.