Part 23: Loss

Natalie couldn't breathe as she stood up and followed John quickly. He held a finger up to his lips as she noted with alarm that the door was closed.

"I didn't close that," she said in a panicked whisper, and though he tried to hide it Natalie saw the alarm in his eyes. He turned back to the door, grabbed the knob and opened it in one smooth motion as he stepped inside, gun held at the ready.

The room was empty, the curtains of Natalie's window blowing in the breeze. Glass lay everywhere, doubtlessly the cause of the crash they had heard.

And Shane was gone.

John cursed as he heard Natalie's scream. He turned to her and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her gently as he spoke urgently. "I need you to stay here and find something to protect yourself in case he comes back. I'm going after Shane."

He ran from the room and Natalie numbly stumbled to the living room, grabbing the fireplace poker as her mind screamed at her to follow John. But she knew that she would only slow him down, so she forced herself to sit on the couch and wait.

It was ten minutes later when John finally returned. He didn't have to say a word; the anguish on his face matched what she was feeling and she began to sob brokenly as he picked up the phone and called for back up.

"It was a white Toyota Celica, license plate was New Jersey, number TNY392," John repeated for what had to have been the twelfth time since the LPD had shown up.

"No distinguishing characteristics?"

"None that I could see. It was dark, and he was already halfway down the road by the time I got out there. Can I go now?"

Officer Jacobs smirked when he saw the way John's eyes went to Natalie, who was sitting on the couch with the police commissioner who was also her uncle, Bo. "Yeah, man. Go take care of her."

John smiled slightly. "Thanks, Jacobs." He stood up and walked over to the couch, sitting on the opposite side of Natalie.

"Hey," he said softly.

Natalie smiled weakly at him and leaned against his chest. His arms opened and wrapped around her, and she sighed. Neither noticed Bo's smile as he stood up and walked over to Jacobs.

"We're gonna find him, Natalie." He pressed a fierce kiss to the top of her head as he repeated himself, his words now sounding more like a prayer than a commitment.

"We're gonna find him."

Two hours later the cops had finally gone, leaving Natalie and John alone. They were both silent as they sat beside each other on the couch, neither wanting to be the first to speak.

Finally Natalie couldn't take it any longer. She turned to John and put her hand on his cheek. "This wasn't your fault," she declared firmly, her tone leaving no room for argument.

John smiled sadly at her as he covered her hand with his own and closed his eyes.

"If only I could believe that."

"Well believe it, because it's the truth. I don't blame you for this and nobody else does but you. And I will not have you blaming yourself for something else that was not your fault."

She sighed when he slowly pulled her hand off of his cheek and gently placed it back in her lap, standing up and walking outside.

John shook his head when he heard the front door open. A moment later he smiled slightly as he felt Natalie's arms wrap around him from behind. She rested her head on his shoulder, smiling when she heard his quiet sigh of relief.

He turned around, his hands on her arms ensuring that they remained wrapped around him.

"Can you honestly say that you don't blame me for this?"

Natalie nodded, leaning in to press a small kiss against his lips. "I don't blame you at all. I blame Jenkins, and that's who you would be better off blaming too. He is the asshole who has caused all of this and who now has my son."

Seeing the guilt starting to come back to his eyes, she placed her hand on his cheek and spoke slowly, firmly and with conviction. ""You are not to blame. I know that you are going to get Shane back for me. And I also know that you will not give up, no matter what the cost."

John sighed as he rested his forehead against hers, his eyes staring into hers as he whispered, "You're right. I am going to get him back, and I can't risk another distraction like the one that got him snatched."

Natalie stiffened and pulled back, keeping her arms around him. The words stung and it felt like he had just slapped her, but she knew what he was doing.

"I know you too well, McBain. I am not going to let you pull away from me."

He gently extricated himself from her arms and turned to walk back inside. Natalie didn't know why, but her gut told her that if she let him do this again there would be no turning back.

"John, I have to tell you something," she said softly.

He turned around, his eyes glistening in the moonlight from the tears he was trying to hold back.

"What?"

She crossed the distance between them in two steps and took his hand, almost smiling at John's look of confusion as she placed it on her belly.

"I'm pregnant," she whispered, trying to ignore the look on John's face as she continued. "The date of conception was… that night," she finished, trying to hold the tears at bay. "

A look of understanding came over his face as his gaze moved from her face to her stomach, and then back to her face. His mouth worked soundlessly for a moment, and Natalie took a deep breath and closed her eyes, steeling herself.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he finally choked out. His voice was full of pain and hurt, and Natalie winced.

"At first I was still holding on to the delusion that it was probably Michael's baby… but the chances of that are pretty slim."

He nodded, still numb from the betrayal that Natalie's words revealed.

"How far along are you?"

She took a deep breath. "Five months."

John stepped back, his hand never leaving Natalie's stomach as his eyes remained locked on hers.

"Were you ever gonna tell me?"

The tears began to fall freely as Natalie nodded. "I've been trying to find a way to tell you for the past two weeks. And even before then I knew that I was going to tell you eventually."

John could see in her eyes that she was telling the truth, but it didn't change the fact that she had kept this from him. And the fact that she had kept the secret even as he had thought that they were repairing their relationship…

It hurt too much to bear, and he dropped his hand from her stomach as he turned around. "I need some time to think," he whispered, closing his eyes as he heard her begin to sob harder.

He slowly walked into the house, and Natalie followed after a moment, her hand gently caressing her stomach as she wondered how much this news was going to change things for everyone involved.

TO BE CONTINUED