Log 5: Humble Through it All

Prompt: Memory

Episode: The Thrill of the Hunt

Notes: When things go unexpectedly wrong with animals at work (we had three HIGH risk surgeries today that got a bit hairy during pre and post op) God (or your higher power of choice) is humbling you a bit Dr. Davis likes to say. I had been struggling with how exactly I wanted to attack the theme until I heard that.

The Ark was quiet and dim except for the room they hid the Allspark.

He sat with a bottle in hand, facing the container and taking slow savoring sips of a bright liquid. No one knew that he'd collected a small ration of High Grade Energon and Ratchet intended to keep it that way. While talking to Prime had been a good idea (he couldn't deny that reality) there was something about this that was important too. Probably a bit more unhealthy--he'd seen other bots come to ruin doing things like this--it was still a comfort.

It was late and he was more sorely in need of recharge than he was willing to let on. But there was that buzz that only came from saving a spark and repairing an injury that wouldn't leave him be.

A hand absently grazed over the recently repaired scar where the EMP generator had been reattached. He still wasn't convinced that this wasn't a betrayal of her sacrifice. But he never wanted to see it used like he had on that ship.

Somehow, deep down he knew she'd understand that too.

Leaving the newly reacquired equipment alone he took another swig of energon, relishing in how good it tasted.

Ratchet knew he was a good medic. He'd saved countless lives. Eased the suffering of those he couldn't do anything for. So the fact that he had failed that one mission should not have eaten him as much as it still did.

He couldn't shake the fact that in this one case, it hadn't been anyone's fault but his own. It hadn't been a clot in a fuel line he hadn't seen coming that burst weeks after a surgery, or an inherent instability in a spark that had gone to the pits when he'd taken someone offline for repair.

"She was a good bot. Didn't deserve what happened to her that's for sure. Why didn't you do something so I could save her?"

Of course it was easy to blame something he'd considered a myth up until about fifty years ago. Far easier than analyzing all the things he'd done wrong that day, choices he could have made that might have saved her memories

"I don't get you," he declared to the inanimate energy signature. The Allspark didn't acknowledge his words or even his presence of course. It was hard to tell if he'd had too much to drink though Ratchet was sure his team would think he was loose a few bolts.

He had saved every scrap of information he could find or remember about Arcee and he used the silence to replay those scant moments. They were too small and too few to encompass the Autobot she must have been, but they were better than nothing.

"Guess I'm not meant to understand huh?" he asked the Allspark quietly, with a reverence that seemed almost out of place on the medi-bot.

No response again, though Ratchet clearly had never expected one in the first place.

It was getting late, and he wanted to check on Prime again. He'd left a hovering and somewhat overly concerned Bumblebee and Bulkhead to watch over their leader, but it was time to get back to his responsibilities. Stowing the remaining Energon and standing very squarely on his feet he frowned at the Allspark.

"Much obliged for keeping me humble," he spoke solemnly to the power source.