Part Six: Need
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Reno drew in a deep breath. He wanted to move. It hurt too much, being this close to Cloud. Touching him. But he couldn't move because…that would hurt even more. "You don't love me."
It's true, Cloud thought, staring up into a pair of bleeding green eyes. I don't love him. "No. I don't."
Why did it hurt so much? Why did Reno feel so fucking angry? He shouldn't be mad. It wasn't like they were married or anything. Hell, they weren't even dating. There was nothing between them. So why was he feeling pissed off and sliced in half? Slowly, deliberately, Reno put one hand on Cloud's bare chest and shoved himself up. Back. He stood, staring down at a kid, a pale, blond-haired kid who hadn't even flinched when he'd taken all of Reno's weight. That pissed Reno off even more. His hands curled into corded fists at his sides. "What the hell do you want from me, Strife?"
"Nothing," Cloud shook his head. "I don't want anything from you."
"Fuck you, Cloud!"
"I…Reno…"
"No! Why do you have to do everything by your fucking self? You're not a Turk, yo!" Reno jerked his pants closed and redid the fastenings, ignoring the sticky mess splashed across his stomach. He didn't need this shit. He didn't. "I told you the first day I met you that you should'a been a Turk. Silence. Espionage. Solo work, most of the time. Or just with a partner. But you chose Soldier, man. You forget that, Strife? You. Chose. Soldier. And Soldiers work together. They work with an army. So don't you fucking pretend you have to do everything alone. I know you didn't learn that way."
Cloud sighed and shifted into a sitting position, his eyes cold and half-distant. "Reno…"
"Shut up. You don't want anything from me, you don't talk to me. It's that simple, man. And I'm not talkin' sex. I'm just talkin' you and me. Friends. Buddies. Hell, brothers if you want. You don't have to love me. I can live without that. But any poor bastard with eyes in his head can see you're hurting!" Reno aimed a kick at the bottom of Cloud's foot, pissed off at the overwhelming blankness in the kid's eyes. "Somethin' ain't right, yo. And I'm not stupid. That somethin' has to do with me. Me. But you won't tell me what it is. You won't let me close enough to help you or even fucking talk to you." He snorted. "So I'm gettin' the hell outta here, man. Be a fucking Turk and do it on your own. Just…call me when you want something."
Reno left. He walked out the door, not even bothering to pull the rest of his clothes back into place.
Cloud didn't try to stop him.
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Cloud stared.
He didn't move. He barely breathed. He only lay on the ground, slumped in the only patch of flowers for miles around. He could smell them, softer now, gentler now than it had been earlier, but it was still there. A whispering smell, a reproachful smell.
But he didn't know why.
And he didn't know why it hurt so much.
And he was angry. Angry at himself, at Reno. Pissed as all hell at Zack, who had loved Reno but never gotten to have him, who had loved him but never wanted him and never wanted him to want Reno.
And now…now he wanted…
Cloud closed his eyes. What did he want?
Cloud Strife lay in a pool of flowers. He didn't move. He barely breathed. And, in the end, he didn't know what it was he really wanted.
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Reno lay on the one still-standing segment of a broken bridge. It hadn't been hard to climb up there, just a matter of scaling concrete. Easy, with all the cracks and shifted slabs. He could've gone home, but it hadn't felt right. Too closed in. Too far from the sky. He was closer here. Roiling white stretched out wide above him, threaded with muted gray. Yes, he was much closer here. The clouds were low, the sky hanging down right above him.
Zack was up there somewhere, in the Lifestream that spilled out over the clouds. Somewhere up beyond the mottled gray, Zack loved him.
Reno spat out a bitter laugh. What the fuck did it matter? Cloud didn't love him. He didn't fucking need Cloud to love him. Fucking hell, Reno'd only just found out he might not be as opposed to screwing guys as he'd thought; it wasn't like he was asking for some kind of declaration of undying love and immortality and all that shit. No, it just pissed him off that Cloud refused to admit that there was something between them, whatever that something was.
Cloud needed Reno.
That was obvious. It had been obvious from that day up in Cloud's room. The way he'd clung to Reno then…and again in the flowers that afternoon…
It was like Reno was a slab of driftwood keeping Cloud from sinking down, down, down into the depths of the fucking ocean. Dreams, he'd said. Well, Reno was having dreams too, dreams where he spread his legs for Cloud fucking Strife and loved every second of it.
The dreams would be better if they didn't always end badly, though.
"Zack!" Reno snapped his eyes open wide and yelled up at the growling sky. "Zack! Why didn't you tell me? If you'd told me…" Reno snarled and shook his head. "Why didn't you fucking tell me?"
Why?
Reno laughed again. He knew why. Zack hadn't told him because Reno wouldn't have done shit.
No. That wasn't true.
Reno would have stopped coming around, would have broken off that friendship then and there. He'd been a brat straight out of the Midgar slums, and Shin-Ra was the only thing he'd had. He couldn't afford something like Zack back then. A liability. Someone he cared about… The best way to get to an enemy was by threatening the people he loves. People are weak. They protect their loved ones, and sometimes they pay big for it. Reno'd never intended to be weak. He hadn't loved anyone but Rufus, and it was Reno's job to lay down his life for Rufus Shinra. Zack had known him a little too well, it seemed, had known which buttons he just couldn't push.
It was his own damn fault then. Too afraid of ending up dead or worse, back on the streets. Too wrapped up in his job to see what Zack wanted to offer. If he hadn't been a Turk… But no, again. Reno loved being a Turk. He loved Rufus, and there wasn't another job he'd rather have, even to this day.
Besides, Zack was dead and wouldn't that have been a joy to face if they'd been more than just friends? That day in the hot tub in Shinra Mansion—that had been just one day before Nibelheim was blown to hell. Just one day. What a fucking rip off that would've been.
The sky crackled with lightning and a dark rumble of thunder, and grey drops of rain sluiced down from greyer clouds, soaking through the torn fabric of Reno's shirt in no time flat. He shivered slightly, his nipples hard and tight against his chest. Cloud needed him. He could hear it pulsing in the back of his mind, could feel the whisper of it in his dreams.
Cloud needed him.
But Reno couldn't help him. Reno couldn't get anywhere close to him because he wasn't Zack Fair. Zack was the best friend, the hero, the rescuer. Zack was the one who'd always been there for Cloud, even if he had been drooling after Reno's ass the whole time. Cloud loved Zack and he didn't want anyone else inside his head, didn't want anyone else's arms around him.
Reno opened his mouth and let the rain pour in, icy and tasting of old metal. Rust. He closed his eyes and let the water pour down his cheeks like tears. Simulations. Parodies.
"Come on, Cloudy," Zack coaxed, his eyes gleaming in the steam. "The water's great…"
Cloud shook his head and pulled his legs up against his chest. His blue eyes were dim. "I'm okay."
"Ah, come on, Cloud," Reno swam up to the edge of the pool and tugged on the hem of Cloud's pants. "Can't let the rest of us splash around naked while you stay all covered up. 's not fair."
Cloud shook his head again. "No, I…"
The sentence cut off in a wet blur as heavy hands clapped down on Reno's shoulders, pushing him under and holding him there. Reno reached up, flailing wildly for something, anything, to hold onto. He latched onto a fabric-clad ankle and jerked roughly, tumbling Cloud down into the water on top of him and Zack.
The hands disappeared, and Reno sputtered to the surface, glaring at Zack's grinning face as the bastard snuggled a dripping Cloud against his chest. "You asshole!"
"Hey," Zack's grin grew wider. "All's fair in love and war, man."
Reno laughed again and opened his eyes. "Which one is this, Zack? Love or war? I don't know what the fuck you did to him, man, but you'd better undo it!" He held his arms up, let the drops drip down against his skin. "You're not here anymore, man. I can't love you. He doesn't need to love you. What he needs is someone who's still fucking breathing, damn it. So get your ass to work and get your fucking claws out of his back."
Reno dragged himself to his feet. He needed to get back to work, back to Rufus. He had things to do, damn it, and he hadn't been doing them for way too long. Still, there was a little bit of time left. Enough to go by Langrey's Bar. There were some girls there, pretty little whores with big boobs and nice asses.
Maybe he couldn't have Strife, but, damn it all, he could at least get laid.