As he retreats across Europe, headed for a stronghold in Uganda, Rimmer tries to figure out how it suddenly turned out wrong. He was winning… Now the Grim Reaper had destroyed most of his troops, including Napoleon Bonaparte. He always looks after his command units in Risk more if they were named after ancient famous commanders. It's time to think of a way to weasel out of this…
"Mr Death, sir…" he begins. "Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot…"
"You kicked me between the legs, Arnold…" the Reaper says, picking up the dice and beginning to shake them.
"Then perhaps 'foot' was the wrong word to use… Nonetheless, I think, seeing as I've been dead before… That I shouldn't die."
The Reaper chuckles, the sound sending a shiver up Rimmer's spine. "You fear you will lose the wager." He says. "You will."
When the 'Bovril machine' has finished synthesising the viral antivirus, Cat removes a filled vial of white and holds it out to Lister. "Here we are, friend." He says, smiling.
"I can't wait to hear you say 'buddy', mate…" Lister says, shrugging his eyebrows as he leads the posse to the exit.
"Hold it right there, Davey-boy." Comes a familiar, bold voice. "Where do you think you're going?"
Lister turns and the shock is obvious on his face. "Ace… What're you doin' 'ere?"
Stood in front of the group is a man with the face of Rimmer, but vastly different in every other way. But only the voice gives away who he is, as the silver bomber jacket and flight suit is now a cardigan and jogging bottoms, the coif and shoulder length locks now an elbow length perm. "You promised that you'd set my tape recorder so the time stops blinking midnight all the time. Not prance around with your friends." Ace says, his voice showing that he is in a huff.
"S-sorry, man… I was just…"
"Just carrying on with another man! A doctor, no less!" Ace snaps, cutting off Lister's excuse.
"If you are referring to me, I am a professor." Cat adds, wondering how he knows that.
"That's worse!" Ace shouts, tears ready and apparent in his eyes. "I knew that the gym coach would be too good a catch for someone like me!" he cries before running off down the corridor.
Kryten, Cat and Kochanski all look at Lister. "Lovers tiff, eh matey?" Kryten asks, nudging Lister with his elbow.
"'Ang on… I thought you weren't gay…" Kochanski says, remembering, barely, their discussion in the vents of Starbug all those months ago.
"What?!" Lister asks, spinning to face the posse. "I ain't!"
"Young Mr Ace certainly thinks you are…" Cat offers. "And he did refer to you as the gymnastics coach, which would fit with the pattern of changes caused by the mirror universe."
"Oh smeg…" Lister mutters. "Let's get outta here…"
"No…" Rimmer says softly before screaming "NO!"
"Yes!" Death announces. "I have won!"
"Best two out of three! Please!" Rimmer begs, picking up the dice from their double six position. "I'll let you start in Europe! And roll first!"
"You have lost the game, and so your life, Arnold." Death says, standing and picking up his scythe.
"You can have Red Dwarf!" Rimmer shouts, still not believing that he lost to a single soldier. "I'm the only crew member left alive, so technically the ship belongs to me."
"Technically, Arnold, you are no longer alive." Death says smugly.
"But surely I'm too cowardly to be able to die…" Rimmer says, backing away from the robed one. "I've run away from every fight I've been in. Even that time Jimmy Thompson was on crutches and everyone was beating him up. I didn't help them do it because I'm such a coward!"
"You cannot fool me, Arnold." Death says, going towards Rimmer.
"Well alright, I threw some stones at him…" Rimmer accepts. "But I was far, far away!"
"Even the most cowardly die." Death says, reaching out for Rimmer. "Come."
"Not so fast, Death!" a bold voice says from the doorway of the quarters. Quick as a flash, a silver blur leaps to Rimmer's side, jabbing him in the neck with a hyper-syringe followed by the 'ku-duh' sound of it injecting.
The Grim Reaper roars out in pain, recoiling his hand as it smokes. "I will be back!" he shouts as he fades away.
"What the smeg was that?" Rimmer asks, terrified and rubbing his neck and looking at the newcomer. He's wearing a silver flight suit, sunglasses and has a thick head of blonde hair.
"Death defiance. A positive virus from dimension 112." the man says, tossing his hair backwards. "Turns out I'm packed fuller of it than that cyborg clone of Steve Irwin who presents the 'Animals That Try To Kill You' hour on Channel 16. Name's Commander Ace Rimmer. I'm you from another dimension - except not so damned handsome."
Rimmer blinks a few times, and then faints.
"So unless that pansy on the other side turns the bloody machine back on, we're stuck like this!" Kryten complains loudly.
"Keep it down, Kryten man…" Lister hisses. They're back in the captain's recovery room - hoping that the captain in this dimension actually has recovered and won't come back.
"Oh smeg off, yer a bigger pansy than 'e is!" Kryten says, waving his arm dismissively.
"Ey, just because I'm gay doesn't make me any less of a man." Lister says defensively.
"Oh aye?" Kryten asks, picking up a ball and handing it to Lister. "Chuck this, then."
Lister, ball in hand, looks at it and then at Kryten. "This ain't fair I-"
"Chuck it, or yer a pansy!" Kryten taunts, cutting off his best friend.
"Mr Kryten, might I-" Cat starts, being cut off too.
"An' I'll call you a pansy an' all!"
Lister closes his eyes, winds his arm back and throws the ball, making it bounce off of the far wall, flying back and smacking Kryten in the face, sending the mechanoid colliding with Kochanski. The pair fall back, hitting the wall beside the mirror. Cat and Lister are quick to help their friends up, the latter apologising again and again, despite Kochanski laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world.
"I did try to warn you, Mr Kryten." Cat says, dusting him down. "Mr David runs the ship's gym, remember?"
"Oh bugger off…" Kryten grumbles.
Ace has dragged Rimmer out of the quarters and back to the recovery rooms. He left the unconscious man on the floor and went to look for the machine, finding only smoking debris. After dragging Rimmer to the Hologram Simulation Suite, Ace starts typing away at the computer - very glad that the Jump ship's computer was adapted by one of the Ace's to scan any databases in the surrounding area. One too many times spent fighting Nazi's when it was the American's trying to take over the world, apparently. Ace knows all about the machine Kryten built - and knows just how to recreate it.
Rimmer starts to stir, and wonders why his arm and back hurts. If he looked at his uniform, he'd also wonder why he's covered in dirt - until he learns that Ace has dragged him for nearly 2 miles.
"What's… going on?" he asks wearily.
Ace looks over at his counterpart. "Awake, Iron-balls?" he asks, hoping to give Rimmer a confidence boost. "We beat off Death, you know?"
Rimmer looks shocked and stands up. "Now just hang on a minute, I would never do anything… Sexual… with a man!"
Ace chuckles. "That Rimmer wit sticks out in any dimension, old chum." He says, though he knows Rimmer actually thought he meant it. "Now come on, Arnie. Holly's down, so we have to activate this hologram manually."
"Wait... What hologram?" Rimmer asks, not fully realising where they are. He's never had any reason to come in here. There's no vending machine on this half of the deck.
"Well the only way to save our love-spuds now, is to get through into that mirror universe." Ace says, hitting the last few keys.
Behind him, a vague shape appears. It's gradually morphed into the right outline before colours appear, as if being poured in through the head. Seconds later, Kryten is stood there.
"Good heavens…" he exclaims, looking around. "How did I end up in the Hologram Simulation Suite? And Mr Ace, sir! You've come back!"
"Greeting Kryters." Ace says with a smile. "But I've got a bit of bad news. You went through the portal and, near as I can tell, Rimmsy over here came out a few minutes later. Bad luck on his part I'm afraid, as your machine was eaten by the virus."
"So you used the data that was stored in the ship's databanks to recreate my hologram. I see." Kryten says with a nod, reaching up and touching his H. "Though I'm afraid Red Dwarf isn't equipped with Hard Light technology, since we jetisonned Mr Rimmer's light bee, so if the microbe is still active, I can only assume some of the holographic projectors have been damaged…"
Rimmer, still stood in a state of half-shock, has no idea what's going on. "Excuse me…" he says, raising his hand as-if to get attention from a waiter. "But what the smeg is going on? The ship's being eaten alive by some chameleonic microbe and you both decide it's the perfect time to have a knitting meeting?"
"Sorry Arn, just bringing Kryter's up to speed. Won't take a tick, the 4000 series is quicker than a cheetah falling from orbit." Ace says, fishing in his pocket. He plucks out a light bee. "Here you go old chum." He says, tapping a few buttons on the device making Kryten vanish. Ace tosses the light bee onto the floor and it starts to buzz before rising and being obscured by Kryten's form.
"Goodness… Now I understand how Mr Rimmer felt…" the mechanoid mutters.
"Sorry, what?" Rimmer asks, leaning closer with his nostrils flared.
"Not you, iron balls." Ace says with a chuckle. "Now Kryters, how's about we bash one of these things together?"