" There was always hope in everything." Used to be the greatest truth I had known but now, I don't think I have the same beliefs anymore. I remember it clearly, about why I have changed my beliefs. I remember it just like it happened yesterday, although it happened exactly a year ago after Voldemort's army and followers had won the greatest war the wizarding world has experienced.
I have no knowledge on why they had won exactly. Was it because I hadn't died, like the prophecies said? I think otherwise. I knew I was a coward and now I'm all alone. Without Ron. Without Hermione. Without the two most important persons in my life. I never knew I could go on like this, being lonely.
Who had killed them? You ask. Who had the capabilities to destroy and kill the smartest and the bravest witch and wizard of our time? Of course, with some other support, Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson had butchered and murdered them. I got my revenge soon as they both looked my way but it hadn't felt as good as I had expected it to be. Thoughts and part of my conscience was angry with me for getting revenge and also, for not killing them a second earlier.
But since I was thinking so deeply, I didn't get any chance to battle Voldemort because after finishing off Malfoy and Pansy, I automatically put myself in a disillusionment charm and just stared at the ground.
So what were the others doing? FIGHTING. And what was I doing? I was staring.
Within a few minutes, everyone else was dead and I would have been still staring if not for a sharp cry I heard. I couldn't quite identify who of the brave people fighting screamed but that certainly brought me back to Earth.
The light side had lost and it was all because of the boy who was supposed to save them all, Harry Potter.
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I never meant for it to happen that way. I never meant for everything to disappear just like that. So here I sit in a muggle bar, just contemplating and alone as I have been every single day after the war. After a few beers, I will go back home and just rest without usually enjoying the tipsy trip going home I have accustomed to. I knew I needed to stop doing what I was doing because it was destroying me.
What I had worked for, what I had trained for was all a waste. I needed someway out of this life. If I could just bring Hermione and Ron back or if I could go with them someway.. And at that exact moment, he was enlightened to what can end his suffering now. That was to kill himself.
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Everything was clear now, somewhat closer to crystal clear now more than ever. A tear dropped from my eye, not knowing which reddened one it came from and landed on the floor. I was entirely sure I wanted to do this because without them, I simply cannot live. Maybe I am able to exist in this world but without knowing fully what I had to have experienced.
Anger followed with the thought of Voldemort and his followers still alive. I will never be able to forgive them. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help torturing the people who made my friends suffer. Suffer to the extent that my friends were just begging to die and end their lives. They were unmerciful bastards, all of them.
A spring of mixed emotions filled me.