Alf.
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It's been 20 years since I first met her. 20 years. I can still recall that day fresh in my mind. I remember being amused by her. She was looking at me blankly, as though she was afraid in some way. I smiled, letting out a gentle laugh as she finally introduced herself and 'Milco'. From that very moment, I knew Sally Fletcher was someone special.
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I hadn't possibly imagined back then that I would watch her grow up. Watch every emotion as she blossomed from shy young girl to a beautiful, confident woman. Almost like watching and ugly duckling develop into a swan, only this duckling was far from ugly. She was beautiful. Inside and out. It hadn't taken long for me to realise that. I watched as she built a home and a family herself. I watched as she lost the man she loved. And I stayed by her side, hoping that I could provide some comfort when I was certain she needed it the most. I watched as she went through moments that broke her heart. Moments where everything got too much and all she wanted to do was scream. Like the day she watched the family she grew up with leave her, like the day she let go of Flynn. Days like today.
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I hadn't intended for any of the events that occurred today to happen. Far from it. I love Sally and little Pippa with all my heart. But I knew that saying I was sorry wasn't going to erase the fact that it had happened. It wasn't going to turn back the clock and change time. It wasn't going to make anything better and things couldn't have been much worse. I was the person that Sally confided in. That she trusted. And now I'd done something that was sure to cost me all the trust she ever had in me. And I only had myself to blame.
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I hadn't set out that morning knowing what lay ahead. I had simply volunteered myself for something that I didn't have to think twice about. It wasn't a task. It wasn't a chore that I had been forced to do. It wasn't something I'd felt pressured to do. It was simply something I wanted to do. Because I would do anything for Sally Fletcher. I'd do anything.
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I knew I shouldn't have gotten in that van. I knew that a couple more hours wouldn't do any harm. Not really. Mrs Cronin may have been desperate, but I knew deep down that I shouldn't have gotten in that van. I knew that I was putting Pippa in danger simply by leaving her in the house on her own. I never thought for a second that I would put her in danger for an entirely different reason only a few minutes later. I never thought I was capable of that. But I climbed into the van and I put it into reverse. I pressed my foot onto the pedal and everything that followed seemed to happen in slow motion. I heard the thud as it happened. I heard the scream coming from the woman I knew all too well. I knew I'd done something unforgivable.
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I avoided the hospital for a while after the accident. I knew that me being there was more likely to cause more tension than it was going to help. So instead I sat on the Blaxland, my mind replaying that moment over in my head. Re hearing those screams. Seeing that look on her face. The one that told me I had betrayed her in the worse possible way, and that she would never forgive me for it.
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I hadn't intended to end up at the hospital at that moment. I wasn't entirely sure how I had. I wanted to apologise and for some stupid reason, I thought that was the right moment. But as I approached her and watched as she looked up at me that I had not only put her daughters life at risk, I'd also jeopardised our relationship. 18 years of friendship. And I knew I would never forgive myself for that.
I was aware of all eyes on me; Ric, Cassie, Dan, Leah... Sally. She had a look in her eye so full of... hatred. I'd never seen that before. In all the years I'd known her, she'd been so lovable and calm. I was the one more likely to get angry. yet here we were and it was as though the roles had been reversed. This wasn't me punishing her for something stupid, this was her punishing me for doing something stupid, something that I couldn't take back. No matter how many times I said I was sorry. Sorry was just a word.
I flinched slightly as she yelled at me. Screamed at me in a way I never thought possible. I saw a look in her eyes as she said the dreadful things she had. They were so cold and dark that I wondered if she'd truly meant those words she was saying. Wondered if she hated me that much.
I stood weak and scared. Scared for Pippa. Scared for Sally. Scared for our friendship. She looked at me as though she didn't know me. As though she actually hated me. I wondered exactly what she was seeing. Was she visualising me as some kind of monster? The kind of monsters that she used to fear were hiding under her bed at night, and then drift off to sleep soundly after reassurance that there was nothing there.
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I went home that night feeling weak and defeated. I'd wanted to stay at the hospital, and I would have done all night long, had it not been for Ric telling me to go home. Telling me that there was nothing I could do and that I simply needed to give Sally time. Time for what? I wondered. Time to watch her little girl fight for her life? Time to hate me even more than she already did? Time to remind herself that I was no longer the man she knew. That she may never be ale to trust me again.
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I sat up all night long on the blaxland. Watching the sun slowly set and rise as the night and day dawned. I wondered how that happened. How the sky could go from being a terrifying dark shadow to gently lifting into a light, breezy sun. Like watching as a smile appeared on someone's lips. Like watching as Pippa woke up in hospital. I heard from Ric not long after that she'd woken up and was asking for me, but I still couldn't bring myself to go to the hospital. I couldn't bring myself to look Sally in the eyes and ask for her forgiveness. Not when I would never forgive myself for this.
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So I stayed away. Just as I thought she wanted. Just as I thought she needed. I listened to people pleading with me to try and fix it. I listened as they told me that Sally would 'come around' eventually. As though it was that simple. As though it had always been that simple. And I wondered if they knew how it felt to hurt the one person you loved more than anything in the world. I ignored what they had to say and hid myself away from them, and the rest of the world. Just as Sally wanted me to. I'd done it because I knew that I would never be able to regain her trust like she once held, but I knew that if I did as she'd asked me to, she might just realise that I would do anything for her.
So I sat and watched as day drifted back into night. I watched as the clear blue sky turned back into a shadow of black cast over my whole life. And I wondered just how long it did actually take for the black cloud to turn back into a bright sun. And I kept on watching, willing to wait as long as it took.