Yay, Chapter 4! I hope the end doesn't suck as bad as I think it does.
Title: Random Bits 13- Chapter 4
Setting: A serious case of boredom leaves Tidus and his companions longing for a change of scenery. Zanarkand is now a popular tourist attraction, and seems like a good place to get into some long overdue adventures.
Zanarkand Ruins - The now Sacred Campsite - The reunited Team Braska has tried everything. Returning to the Fayth's Room and wishing for the opposite didn't work, and all the priests had been busy. After stopping for a messy snack, the kids now need a little cleaning, so Jechts takes them all swimming.
As Jecht loosed the kids in the water, Auron reflected that rearranging sacred relics into symbols of Utter Doom was definitely one for his Wall of Stupid Ideas for Venting Frustration. In fact, that idea deserved a gilt frame and at least two spotlights. Various ideas for correcting their predicament had been bounced around, none of them being very practical. Since being a toddler wasn't a Status Effect, killing them, then casting Full-Life wouldn't have worked. Besides, neither Auron nor Jecht had been willing to do the actual killing.
"Don't forget to wash behind your ears." Jecht called as the kids splashed into the water.
"Shouldn't you be out there with them?" Auron inquired as Jecht dropped himself onto a handy rock beside Auron.
"Nah. They'll be fine."
"What if they get swept out or go into the deeper water?"
"They'll learn to swim real fast. What? That's the way my old man taught me. 'If you don't want to drown, you'll learn to swim .' Nothing like tossing you out into the deep end to get you motivated. I learned in one day!"
Not for the first time Auron looked at Jecht and wondered how he had survived long enough to reproduce. His musings were interrupted by a hacking shout of,
"Hey them yung'uns have the right idea!" Auron and Jecht looked up to see three familiar Old Men shuffling towards them, an ancient and tattered Chocobo behind them.
"We've tried everything, but nothing worked." Auron explained to the three ancients.
"We even went to the temple," Jecht grumbled, "But the priests were all too busy. Something about certain doom or some other gibberish." Auron suddenly found the water profoundly interesting.
"Bah! Priests is no good for this kind of thing." Old Man #3 wheezed. "They're more for blessings or stonings."
"Did you try beating them?" asked Old Man #1. "That's the proper way to raise children. You beats'em in the morning to cover all the things they're going to do, then give them a good thrashing in the evening to make sure they remember not to do it again."
"Um…no." Jecht replied, "I usually use Time-Outs-"
"Time-Outs!?" sputtered Old Man #2 derisively, "That new-age malarkie don't work. What they need is a good spankin'."
This is largely true. Spanking is a wonderful disciplinary tool, when used correctly. Why were children so well behaved, responsible, and respectful back in the day? Because there was a little Consequence called a Spanking. It could cure everything from obnoxiousness to depression and unemployment. If more parents used it today, we wouldn't have kids in gangs and ten year old girls with thongs and diva attitudes.
"What about public humiliation?" interjected Old Man #1, "That's still one of the best." Auron and Jecht looked towards the children, who had stripped down and were running back and forth along the shore.
"I don't think they know the meaning of the words." Auron muttered.
"I still say a good beating will fix'em." grumbled Old Man#1
"Hold on a minute," Jecht said, after a moments thoughtfulness. "If hitting someone who has fuge ( commonly misnamed 'amnesia') on the head will bring their memories back, maybe something similar will work on them."
"So," Auron ventured, "Try giving them adult things to do?"
"Yeah! Like make them drink coffee, watch the news, and eat bran muffins." The warrior monk regarded his companion for a moment then said with mock cheerfulness,
"Why don't we go all out, take them to a bar, and let them drink until they pass out."
"You know, that might work!" Jecht exclaimed, the sarcasm lost on him. "Give me your jug."
"What are you doing? You can't give them alcohol!"
The two men wrestled briefly over the jug, to the great distress of their small companions.
"It'll work! It'll work!" Jecht grunted, trying to hold Auron in a head lock and take his sake jug. The Unsent Guardian grunted in reply, strained away from Jecht, then stepped forward and faded through his grip, letting the man's own weight pull him down.
"Unsent!" Yuna shrieked in alarm.
"Now look what you've done!" Auron snarled, as the pint-sized Summoner grabbed her Staff, her Guardians crowding bravely around her.
"If I get Sent, you're on your own." he growled, sending Jecht quickly scrambling to his feet.
"It's okay." the former Sin said hurriedly, plucking the staff out of Yuna's hands.
"That's the way Yevon made Uncle Auron. You like Uncle Auron, just the way he is right?" Jecht put just enough inflection in to indicate that the correct answer was 'yes'. After a tense moment, the kinderguardians nodded in agreement.
"Good! Let's get back to the room."
"C'mon, quit cryin'" Jecht groaned, ineffectually patting Tidus' back.
"I want my blantie." the boy whined.
"Look, Wakka and Kimahri didn't cry. They went to sleep like big boys."
It hadn't taken much to get Tidus' companions to sleep this time. All Wakka needed was an extra snack, and Kimahri had been content to curl up on a pillow. The girls had needed little more than a bedtime story and a round of goodnight hugs. Auron had been in charge of the story and made sure to warn them that there was a Fiend-Who-Lives-Under-the-Bed-and-Eats-Children's-Toes to discourage late night wanderings.
Now there was just Tidus. Auron came out of the room with an extra blanket.
"Did you find it?" Jecht asked hopefully.
"No."
"Look in his bag. Hurry!"
Auron darted back into the room and returned with Tidus' bag. A particularly shrill wail prompted him to dump the whole bag on the floor and scrabble among the scattered contents.
"Its not here."
"Look under Key Items." Jecht hissed frantically.
"Nothing."
"Quit cryin' and go to sleep." the man pleaded. He rolled a reproachful eye at Auron, who was snickering into his collar.
"You're not helping."
"I never would have imagined him having a blankie."
Jecht shot him an irritated look and was about to reply when an idea struck him.
"Hey, give him your coat!"
"What? No!" Auron replied in a horrified whisper. "Why don't you give him your pants?"
"No way. I once saw a kid crying abut wanting his 'silky' and you know what it was? A pair of his mother's nylon underwear! I'll be darned if my son has to sleep with any garment that is worn below the waist! Give him the coat."
"Fine. But you're washing it in the morning."
Auron reluctantly shrugged off his beloved coat and dropped it on Tidus. The boy sighed, gathered it up, and slipping off the couch, headed to his room. There was ringing silence left in his wake. Jecht flung himself onto the couch in relief.
"He's such a crybaby." Auron said after a moment.
"Yeah, I know."
The two men sat up for another hour thinking up idea. They became more ridiculous as time passed, but seemed to make perfectly logical sense. Some of the worlds best ideas are thought up in the dwindling hours of the night. The problem is that while they make sense to the sleep deprived brain, they consist of thoughts like: The Lungs are designed to circulate oxygen. Water has oxygen. Most people drown underwater, not because they are breathing in water, but because they are holding their breaths. If water has oxygen, then the Lungs should be able pull it out of the water and circulate it. I'll give it a try in my 60gal aquarium. They also work only in theory.
"Okay, what if," Jecht began, "We take them back to the temple and re-enact that moment, only backwards?"
"You know, that might actually work, only we would need three old women and a sack of cats."
"What?"
"What?"
"I think we need to go to bed." Jecht said slowly. "I'll just go check on the kids." Warning bells went off in Auron's head for some reason, but he was to tired to figure out why, as Jecht stumbled off to the kids' room. The Abes star pushed open the door and slipped inside.
Entering a child's room at night is never a good idea. Every child has toys, but this being Spira, very few are soft or age appropriate. (Raise your hand if you got to play with the lawn mower, saw, and dad's tools when you were four. I did!) And like most toys they are left scattered all over the room. They are brightly colored and designed to attract the eye and imagination. In the dark they turn into sinister, sometimes crippling traps, that lurk in the gloom, ready to catch or stab a carelessly placed toe, foot, knee, or shin.
Jecht strode into the room with all the confidence of a person who has forgotten how kids leave their toys, or has never been in charge of dealing with Jr. when he wakes up at night. He stepped with his full weight on an 'I Can Be A Soldier' morning star. He yelped and hopped around in agony until he banged his shin on a wickedly protruding 'My Little Chocobo' stable roof. Awakened by the cry, the children shrieked in horror as a large black shadow howled and lurched between the two beds.
Jecht whimpered and went down with a crash, arms waving, as a wooden Sand wolf on wheels rolled maliciously under his foot and sent him sprawling on a scattering of bloody evil metal Al Bhed jacks. His screams mixed with the frightened kids' as he thrashed amidst an ambush of malevolent toys and furniture. "Fiend! Fiend!" the little Guardians cried, grabbing what weapons they could find.
Jecht suddenly found himself set upon by toddlers with blunt objects, one Summoner, and a Black Mage. His cries for mercy brought Auron bursting into the room with a lamp. The Legendary Guardian shielded his eyes as Yuna's little Aeons and Lulu put their magic to good use, except Valefor, who was perched on Jecht's back pecking his head. Ixion was rearing up and waving his stick legs at Jecht, while Ifrit and Bahamut each savaged one of Jecht's pants legs. The other Aeons made use of their abilities while Lulu cast Flare and the other kids beat him with whatever they had in their hands.
With an inhuman roar, Jecht rocketed to his feet, sending kids and Aeons flying, and screamed with a wild-eyed look,
"I can't take it anymore! I wish I had never made that stupid wish!" Auron gaped at him. He was battered, singed, wet, scratched, and had been hit with just about every Status Effect and Elemental attack. Auron calmly put the lamp down on the dresser then doubled over with laughter.
Jecht snarled and flung himself at Auron. The Unsent Guardian pounded the floor with laughter, despite being pummeled by his companion. The hotel suddenly trembled. Auron and Jecht were blinded by a flash of light and the room suddenly became quite small. Confusion reigned as the gods decided that they had suffered enough and everyone returned to their normal ages. This meant that a room designed to hold no more than two adults was suddenly crowded with eight adults and seven full grown Aeons.
A cacophony of thumps, bumps, and bewildered groans, grunts, and yelps, filled the room. There were ominous sounding creaks and groans from the room as the larger Aeons shifted amongst the press of bodies, subsequently drawing panicked cries from the more fragile humans. There was a pounding on the wall and an annoyed voice from the next room shouted, "Hey! Have some decency! This is a family hotel, not a cheap, nightly rate motel!"
End.
I hope you enjoyed RB 13. FYI, there really was a kid crying for his mother's underwear and I really did toss a friend of mine into the deep end so he would improve his swimming skills. In my defense, he already knew how to swim, but was afraid of the 'deep end'. Those of you who have young siblings or messy rooms, for your parents' sake, please pick up your toys!