Part 3

Leo led his brother into an area of the sewers that Don wasn't entirely familiar with. The route was long, winding and purposely confusing, considering they were going to Leo's secret place. Finally, after nearly twenty minutes, Leo led Donny into a room that was just a shade smaller than their rooms back at the Lair. Leo had added shelves all around the room, and on those shelves sat dozens of black candles, all burnt down to nearly nothing.

"Leo," Donny breathed as he looked around. "What is this place?"

Leo had moved to the back of the room where a small alter had been set up, and knelt down before it. From the bag, he took out a brand-new black candle and some matches.

"This is where I came to honor and mourn those who have fallen to my swords," he whispered as Don moved forward and knelt down next to him. Leo placed the candle gently on the alter, lit it, then closed his eyes and entered into his ritual, forgetting Donny was even there.

"Honored warrior," he whispered, speaking in Japanese. "Forgive me for taking that which was not mine to take. I pray that you are now somewhere safe, free of pain and fear and will accept any penance you feel appropriate to send me for taking you from any loved ones. Be at peace."

The prayer finished, Leo moved into a meditative state to work on quieting the tormenting whispers and desires that had been stirred up. The results of the battle and the resulting kill. Awareness of Donny's presence returned to him, and he latched onto whatever it was that his brother emitted that calmed him so, using it to silence that maddening voice that so yearned to take control.

Finally, when he had regained sufficient control again, he opened his eyes and gazed solemnly at the burning candle.

"Wow, Leo," Don whispered, putting a hand on his brother's arm. "I never knew you did this."

"Nobody does," Leo answered. "Though I think father might suspect. It's the only way I can live with myself after taking someone's life from them. Even if it was in self defense."

Don pointed to a white candle, in the same condition as the others, sitting in what seemed to be a place of honor on a second level of the alter. "Why is that one different from the others?"

Leo's eyes flickered up to the white candle. "Father trained us to kill if necessary," he replied, sadness in his voice. "That candle represents my first. It was a kill that I was guided to by the Shredder."

"Shredder?" Donny breathed. "What do you mean? How….?"

Leo closed his eyes, sighing heavily. "He was a Foot Solider who had displeased Shredder somehow. At the time, I had been…seeing Shredder for a few weeks. Sparing with him…listening to him. One night, he had me fight this solider all the while keeping up a running commentary on the side. Encouraging me to listen to my darker instincts….to embrace them and do what they said."

A shiver worked its way through Leo's body. "I remember feeling so…powerful as I did as he said and let my darker instincts take over. I felt so…so free and euphoric. Just…letting go and not worrying about keeping my strikes as non-lethal as possible until I had no choice. Then I was standing there, with the solider laying dead at my feet and I felt so….exited and disgusted at the same time. So much blood, Donny. I'd never seen so much."

He glanced around. "It was a few days and several nightmares later when I discovered this place and started this."

He knew that Donny was taking a count of the candles and comparing the number to those times they had been in a fight where Leo had been forced to kill. Donny had to be wondering why there were so many, considering Leo tried his best to avoid killing.

When Don spoke, however, it was not the anticipated question. "Listen, Leo. I think it's time you talked with Splinter."

Leo looked at Don in surprise, and then slight annoyance. "Don't start, Donny. Not tonight."

"Yes tonight," Donny replied, determination in his voice and eyes. "I let it go the other night, just like I've been letting it go for the past, what, four months? I can't let it go anymore, Leo. You're falling apart."

"I am not falling apart," Leo denied. "I don't need to talk to father, you're helping me just fine."

Donny snorted. "Yeah, right. I'm helping you so much that I'm watching you get worse instead of better."

"Donny…" Leo started but Donny interrupted.

"No, Leo! I'm not helping you! Not the way I could be….the way I should be, because you won't talk to me."

Leo frowned. "I talk to you."

"Sure, little bits here and there, but not what you need to tell me." Donny gestured around the room at the candles. "For instance, will you tell me the story behind all these candles? Why are there so many, Leo? I'm certain you haven't killed that many people in battle."

A shadow descended over Leo's eyes, making them unreadable. There it was! Not that he was thrilled about it, though.

Instead of answering, he asked quietly, "Do you have any theories on it, Don?"

Donatello nodded, his eyes more serious than they had ever been. "I've got my suspicions and I admit that the thought of it terrifies me, but we're not talking about what I suspect, Leo. Are you going to answer me or not?"

They stared at each other and, for a moment, Leo considered giving in and telling his brother everything. Some part of him echoed Splinter's words, encouraging him to let Donny in and help him with the weight he bore. And yet…he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He couldn't stand the thought that his little brother might look at him like he was a monster.

'You are a monster…'

He closed his eyes and turned away, missing the disappointed, yet unsurprised look that filled Donny's eyes. "I thought so," Don whispered. He sighed, then continued in the same whisper. "I hate to do this to you, Leo, but you leave me no choice. If you won't talk to Splinter, then I will."

Leo's eyes flew open and he looked at Donny in what might have been panic. "What? Donny, no! You can't!" he exclaimed, hand shooting out and gripping Donny's arm.

"I'm sorry, Leo," Donny replied, pulling his arm free. "But you can't go on like this and neither can I. I refuse to."

Leo closed his eyes, swallowing hard. "Donny, I can't. Why can't you understand that?" He opened his eyes and, suddenly, there was the old Leonardo, fierce and determined. He snatched Don's arm tightly again and hissed, "And you promised you wouldn't say anything! Are you really going to betray my trust, Donatello? Huh?"

Donny winced and had to struggle for a few seconds to get his arm free. "Stop it, Leo!" he snapped. "Yeah, I promised. But the way I figure it, if breaking that promise ends with you back to the way you should be, then I will gladly do it!"

The pair sat, glaring at each other, Leo desperately trying to will Donny to back down. Don, however, had that look in his eyes and Leo knew he would not win this argument. He turned away, staring at the burning candle, his fists clenching tightly on his knees. He felt trapped. His instinct to fight was struggling to free itself, but there was nothing there to actually fight. He would not hurt his brother to get his continued silence.

"Dammit, Donatello!" he growled. "Why are you doing this? It would destroy father to know what I've done! To know how much I've dishonored him by going against his teachings!"

'And to discover what two of my brothers have been doing to me as Fate's punishment,' he added silently.

Don sighed heavily. "Leo…listen bro. You know Father! He won't care about the past, he'll care about the here and now. About how badly it's affected you." He paused, reaching out and gently turning Leo's head so he was forced to look at him. "The Shredder is gone, Leo," he continued softly. "He's gone and he's not coming back. Let him go. Stop letting him haunt you like this. Let. Him. Go."

Leo turned away again, closing his eyes against the pain. "I can't," he breathed.

If he let the Shredder go, what would there be to remind him of his wickedness? Of his dishonor? If he let Shredder go, then maybe he would also find the strength to stop his brothers. If that happened, what would keep him from forgetting and possibly falling to darkness permanently? No! He mustn't ever be allowed to forget!

"I can't," he repeated, shaking his head.

Donny gazed at him sadly for a moment, then said softly, "Then, as I said, Leo, you leave me no choice. If you won't go to Splinter, then I will."

Leo stared at the alter vacantly. He knew Donny would make good on his threat and, really, he couldn't blame him. As much as it hurt, he knew he would do the same if their positions were reversed.

'You don't need to tell the truth, you know,' that dark voice whispered, grabbing Leo's attention. 'You could easily tell him something else. Especially if Donatello won't be there to contradict you. You can keep your secret and no one will know.'

'But I'll know,' Leo argued. 'I'll dishonor myself even further by lying.'

The voice laughed softly, coldly. 'You have no honor left and you know it. It's just a faded memory now, washed away in blood and sin no matter how much you pretend. Besides, if you tell the truth, you risk blowing the family apart, just as you do if you reveal what your brothers have been up to. Do you want that?'

'No.'

'Then you know what you must do. Don't you?'

"Yes," Leo whispered out loud.

"Leo?"

He started, looking up at Donny, who he had actually forgotten was still there. "What?"

Donny was looking at him strangely as he said, "What did you mean by 'yes?'"

Leo swallowed and looked away again, unable to look his brother in the eye. "You win, Donny," he murmured, finding one more reason to hate himself. "I…I'll talk to father. But, please, Don, give me some time. Please."

Donny reached over and took Leo's hand, squeezing gently. "I'll give you till Friday, Leo," he said softly. "That's three days. After that, I'll go to him myself and tell him everything I know."

Leo nodded, eyes fixed on the candle, which was nearly burned out. He knew Don was worried and only trying to help and yet…

"Don?" he asked quietly. "Could you give me some time alone?"

Don gave him a gentle, if not worried smile and nodded. "Sure. See you at home?"

Leo nodded and Don squeezed his hand once more before getting to his feet and silently leaving the room. Alone, Leo closed his eyes, and began working on his lie.

Two days later:

"Dammit, Mikey!" Donatello muttered. "If you've taken off with my screwdriver again, I swear to God I'm going to duct tape you to the rafters!"

The purple-banded turtle, during a scavenging hunt, had found a combination DVD/VCR player that he was hoping to make use of. Only, it seemed that a certain screwdriver he needed had grown legs and walked off. Mikey's legs, he'd bet anything. His youngest brother was always taking off with Donny's tools, though what he did with them, Don was afraid to ask.

Knowing Mikey was off somewhere, Donny left his lab, grumbling under his breath, and headed for the younger turtle's room. His irritation increased as he saw the mess he had to sort through in his quest for his missing tool. Promising painful retribution, Donny began a painstaking search and rescue, discovering tools he hadn't even known were missing yet, along with a few things he thought he'd like to examine under his microscope. A video tape turned up, which he put in the pile of things he was taking with him as he remembered he had no tape to test the machine with.

'One good turn deserves another,' he thought as he continued searching.

Then, a few minutes after finding the tape…Eureka! There was his screwdriver, under a pile of old pizza boxes and comics that had not survived Klunk. With his arms full, Don made his way back to his lab, passing Raph and Leo on the way. Raph was watching TV while Leo seemed to be mediating on the armchair.

Don eyed his eldest brother as he passed. It had been two days since he had given Leo the ultimatum, and he knew Leo had not yet talked to Splinter. He had only one day left before Donny would be forced to follow through with his threat.

He sighed as he entered his lab and dumped the contents in his arms on his work bench. He really hoped Leo wouldn't make him do it. It felt too much like betrayal on Donny's part, but he knew that if Leo were to have any chance of getting better, the issues had to be confronted. With another sigh, Donny pushed thoughts of his troubled brother from his mind so he could concentrate on his project for a while.

A hour and a half later, he grinned, ready for a test run. Picking up the tape he had found in Mikey's room, he put it in the machine and pressed play. Almost immediately, an image of Leo going through a Kata popped up on his monitor. Don smiled widely at his success, even as he wondered what Mikey was doing with a tape of Leo training. Some kind of prank most likely.

He saw Raphael enter the room and stand off in the shadows, watching Leo. Uninterested, Don moved to turn the tape off and test the DVD side when Leo, sighing and asking "What do you want, Raph?" caught his attention. There was something in Leo's voice…

He looked up, fingering hovering over the button to see what was going on. Raphael's response sent chills down his spine and, as the tape progressed, Don sat there, unable to tear his gaze away or believe what he was seeing. It seemed like an eternity before the tape ended, shutting itself off and rewinding on its own.

He sat, staring at the blank screen, feeling confused and sick by what he had seen. Raph and Leo…or, more precisely, Raph forcing Leo… And what was Mikey doing with a tape of it?

Wait…no, this couldn't be what it looked like! Shooting out of his chair, he rushed from his lab and into the living room. Raph had wandered off to the Dojo, but Leo was still sitting there, deep in mediation. Wasting no time, Donny marched over and shook Leo roughly.

Leo let out a startled exclamation and looked up as Donny said, "I need to see you…now!"

His tone was demanding and screamed that he would not be denied. Without waiting for Leo to reply, he grabbed his brother's arm tightly and pulled him to his feet, dragging him back to the lab, closing and locking the door behind them.

"Donny!" Leo protested as he finally managed to free himself. "What the hell is wrong with you? What's going on?"

"This," Donny answered as he stalked over to the player and jabbed the play button.

Leo watched the image of himself training in confusion. "Don, I don't understand. What…?"

Don held up his hand to silence Leo and pointed at the monitor. Leo watched and, when he realized what he was seeing, froze.

"Leo," Don murmured, an edge of desperation in his voice. "Tell me this isn't what it looks like."

Leo didn't reply. He hadn't even heard Don. He stared at the images a moment, then turned away. He didn't need to see it, he'd been living it for the last millennium. He didn't recognize that particular encounter, just knew that it was the one Mikey had caught on tape when he had been doing his 'research.' Back when he still fought…when he still had some hope, small though it was, of stopping what was going on. That maybe he could be given some other form of penance for his crimes…

A wish he had known would not happen that night Mikey had told him that he knew what was going on between him and Raph. When his youngest brother had so adamantly claimed that he would not give in to the desire he had felt. Leo had known he would and Mikey had proven him right a short time later.

It was after the third encounter with his baby brother that Leo had stopped fighting. He had finally surrendered to the fact that he deserved everything that was happening and realized that it was only fitting that his brothers punish him however they wanted. Between the two of them, they had shattered what little Will he'd had left to fight, and were preparing him for the eternal punishment he would face upon his death.

"Leo!"

Don's voice penetrated his senses as his brother gripped his arm and spun him around. "Leo, what's going on?"

Leo looked at Don calmly, emotionlessly. He pulled his arm free and turned, ejecting the tape and immediately snapped it in half. He dropped the two pieces into the trash bin, grabbed a book of matches sitting on the bench and lit the contents of the bin on fire while Don watched in bewilderment.

"Keep your mouth shut, Donatello," he ordered softly, a hint of a threat in his voice as he stared at the flames.

"Keep…" Don stared at Leo in disbelief. "I can't believe you just said that! Our own brother is…" He trailed off, his eyes widening. "Oh my God," he whispered. "That's what you meant that night. 'If I were good, my own brother wouldn't be…'" he quoted and then finished, "Wouldn't be raping you."

His eyes flashed, anger filling them as feelings of intense betrayal rushed through him. He remembered where he got the tape from and the anger and betrayal multiplied. "How is Mikey involved in this?" he demanded in a harsh whisper.

When Leo continued to stare into the flames without answering, Don grabbed his arm painfully tight and whipped him around. "Dammit, Leo! Answer me!" he hissed. "Is Mikey involved in this too?"

The slight flicker of emotion in Leo's eyes, along with the continued silence, was all the answer Don needed. He took a step back, shaking his head and swearing violently. Leo watched him as though he were doing nothing more than watching Don getting ready to go out.

"I mean it, Don," he spoke after a moment, his voice cold and distant. "Not a word, I'm warning you."

Donny stared at him in astonishment, then shook his head and growled, "If you think threatening me is going to make me keep silent about this, then you're more fucked up than I thought!" He turned and stalked toward the door.

It happened in a matter of seconds. Don heard the chilling sound of a sword being unsheathed and began to turn, only to end up being pushed hard into the wall, knocking the breath from him. He was spun around and pushed back against the wall, held immobile by Leo's hand pressing hard on his plastron while the cold steel of his sword pressed against Donny's throat.

Leo's eyes held a frightening expression as he snarled, "Goddamit, Donatello! If you think my history with the Shredder won't destroy father, then this sure as hell will! I won't let you destroy this family, you hear me?"

Donny, despite the sword at his throat, looked at Leo with no hint of the fear he was actually feeling. He got the feeling that showing fear to Leo would be a very big mistake.

"What are you going to do, Leo?" he asked in the softest of whispers, not breaking eye contact with his disturbed brother. "Cut my throat?"

The expression dominating Leo's eyes drained away at Don's words. A multitude of emotions raced over his face before settling on a haunted desperation. He backed away, dropping his sword as he did, eyes never leaving Don's.

"Please, Don," he breathed after a few seconds. "Please don't tell. It'll rip us apart. This family is my life…the only thing I have, the only reason I'm still alive. I won't survive if it's taken from me."

Don stared at Leo, feeling as though his world had shattered into a billon, unrecognizable pieces. "Oh God, Leo…" he whispered. He closed his eyes, swallowing hard. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening! His brothers couldn't be doing something so…so… Oh God! He had to get out of there! Get some air…

Without any further word, he turned and fled his lab. Someone called out to him as he raced through the Lair, but he ignored him, fleeing out the door and vanishing into the tunnels.