So much
to say, today.
Today,
not the last, my endeavors change the past.
So much
happened way too early.
She was
girly.
One
month has passed.
Afraid
of coming clean, sensations but a dream, or so it seems.
What's
it like in this dream called life?
I timidly knock
on Tristan's door. I shift from foot to foot as I hear footsteps
approaching the door. I am surprised to see Tristan answer the door,
he hardly ever does. He must have just woken up. My eyes fall back
upon the porch floor, lightly swaying back and forth. "Come in
babe." He says to me sweetly. I follow him inside. "I have
to tell you something." I say quietly yet sternly. My eyes meet
his. "Is something wrong?" Tristan asks me. I nod, "Last
night, after Zack dropped me off, Manny and I got into a... argument,
about me... being high." "Well, that will blow over, she
shouldn't have a say in what you do." Tristan tells me, moving
closer, placing his hands on my arms. "No, that's not all of
it... she kicked me out of our apartment, she brought me to Sean's,
but he wasn't home, his best friend was there... I... kinda kissed
him." I look up at him, waiting for him to reply. He takes his
hands off of me and steps backwards. "You kissed another guy."
Tristan repeats. "I didn't know what I was doing, even all
through out the argument with Manny I kept giggling. I'm sorry."
I muster out, trying to step closer to him, but with each step I
take, he takes one step back. "Are you trying to blame this on
me?" Tristan asks, looking at me firmly. I shake my head, "No,
no, not at all... it's my fault, but I never would have kissed Jay if
I wasn't high." "And I gave you the pot, so that makes this
my fault." Tristan says, his face stern, showing no emotion. "No
baby, I know it is not your fault. I'm not saying that. I wanted to
try it, you did not pressure me. Baby, please... Tristan, don't be
mad at me." I say, almost pleading with him. "I need to
relax." Tristan turns and leaves, walking up the stairs. I
follow him. "Tristan, please talk to me." He picks up his
bag from off his dresser and heads back down the stairs. I feel like
a new puppy, pleading for a little bit of attention. Tristan takes a
seat at a small round table on the back porch and begins rolling a
joint. He prefers to smoke that way. I watch him as I take a seat
next to him. "You want some?" Tristan asks me. I look at
him, questioning how on Earth he could offer me some marijuana at
this point in time. "It will make me feel better." He tells
me, finally looking at me with some emotion. Tristan sighs a little.
I reach my hand out to take the joint from his. If this will make him
feel better, then this is what I'll do. I take a semi-long puff and
pass it back to him. I sit back in my chair, ashamed of myself. I
like Tristan, a lot, but drugs... Tristan finishes the joint and gets
up. He kneels in front of me, placing his hands over mine. "Relaxing
ain't it?" He jokes. I nod, because it is... it is relaxing...
"I know you wouldn't cheat on me." "I would never."
I say to him, meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry." I look back
down at my hands... our hands. "I know, let's just forget about
it." He says, rubbing his hands over mine. I nod, agreeing with
him. He leans his face into mine, kissing me gently on the lips.
That's the only place he ever kisses me. He never just kisses my
cheek or my forehead. "What's wrong?" He asks me. I shake
my head, "Nothing" I reply. "Well why didn't you kiss
me back?" "Sorry, I was... I wasn't thinking... I got
sidetracked, I still feel horrible." I tell him, hoping he
doesn't get mad at me. "Well kiss me, and you will make me feel
better." I lean forward, giving Tristan a kiss. He kisses me
back and takes his hands off of mine, placing them on my legs. He
stops, stands up, pulling me with him, and we walk into his house...
to go to his bedroom... where we always are...