Heh, I noticed an error in the last chapter. I said that the whole of Hogwarts Castle was to be burned down. Well, the castle's made of stone, so that would be impossible... Yeah. But hope you enjoy this chapter! (added more answers) please review!

I'm sorry it's so short and I didn't update. Now, I'll try my best to update each of my stories every month... a larger load for me. Grr. I knew I shouldn't have published so many stories at once!

Enjoy!

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Chapter Six: How to Fail Your Homework

ARY JOCKLEHEAD'S MUGGLE STUDIES HOMEWORK

What is a tributary? Explain and give examples.

A tributary is a three-arsed person named Ary. I know this because of the "tri" in "tributary," which means "three." Then comes the "but" part, which sounds a lot like "butt," and what's left is Ary. An example is a fellow I know named Ary. I met him in the mirror the other day. His arse was bigger than the whole of Hogwart's castle!

What is a wetland? Explain and give examples.

A wetland is a dog's arse. A dog's arse is a wetland because when a dog pees, his arse gets wet. (I will not go further into how a dog pees, so professor, please do not ask.) A good example is a poodle. I swear, those things are really rather scary. You should stay away from them. (A/N: Yeah, Sirius, of all people, should know. More on his experience with a poodle later in the story.)

What is a swamp? What is another term for 'swamp'?

A swamp is where a bunch of weird creatures start swamping toward you and close you into a circle and you can't escape. Another term (or phrase, depending on how picky you are) for swamp is 'cornered by maniac friends.'

What is pollution? Explain and give examples.

Pollution is an illusion of poles. This is when a person keeps seeing poles in front of him and thinks if he keeps walking straight, he'll crash into of a pole, but in reality, there is no pole there. A good example is a person named Bellatrix Black. She's crazy (as in mentally unstable, if you haven't noticed) with wicked reflexes. I think it's because she has to swerve out of the pole's way all the time.

What causes pollution?

Pollution is caused by a mental instability when one becomes paranoid and believes that everyone is out after him. And then, they'll start believing that inanimate objects, like poles, will be chasing them, too.

What is one way pollution makes its way into the ocean?

One way pollution makes its way into the ocean is if Bellatrix Black goes swimming. The ocean will go crazy because of Bellatrix Black's presence and it will catch pollution from her. But instead of seeing poles, it will imagine ships instead.

How does pollution affect the Muggle society?

Well, when someone has pollution, they swerve out of the way of "poles" and crash into other people. Then the other person, who doesn't have pollution, will not understand and they will engage in a fist fight. This is bad because the fight won't be fun. They need wands! And when a wizard gives them one, they'll probably only poke each other with them. So Muggles will never be able to enjoy a proper duel. That is why pollution is bad.

What is one way to stop pollution from getting into the ocean, bay, rivers, etc.?

Make sure that Bellatrix Black does not swim. I think you'd strongly support me, too. You do not want to see her in a bathing suit. Eww. GROSS.

Why is a wetland important to the Muggle society? Explain.

Err... well, I suppose a wetland is important to the Muggle society because they like to sniff dog's arses. Without wetlands, they will have no source of entertainment. I cannot explain this odd enjoyment for I am not a Muggle and I, for one, am not into sniffing dog arse.

What lives in wetlands?

Err, Professor, you don't want to know...

Why are wetlands disappearing? Explain.

Well... either dogs started to wipe their arses, or they died. If it is the former, I wonder who wiped the arses. If it is the latter, it is bad, because dogs are cool. Enough said.

What can happen when all the wetlands are gone? Explain.

Say the latter happened and all dogs died. Well, this is bad because without dogs, man will have no best friend. And, with no best friend, the wrold will be a dreary place and everyone will be said, because they don't have friends. And, when they don't have friends, they get depressed and they start thinking bad things. Then everyone will commit suicide and the world will die. And that is bad.

What can you do to stop wetlands from disappearing?

Start an animal shelter and make sure dogs don't die out. And make sure that their arses will still be wet. Muggles would be very, very sad otherwise.

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Week 2--Day 2

Her day, to put it lightly, was simply atrocious. While doing her classwork, the subject of her mother's plan was constantly bugging Lily at the back of her mind. She was forced to endure suggestive looks from all the seventh year boys and wistful ones from the fifth and sixth years. Naturally, her academic standards were not quite at the top where they normally held their place. Instead, with the constant irritating distractions that simply refused to cease, Lily finished the last of her classes with more homework than usual.

From this, she received little sleep last night, for when she finally did complete her assignments, she could not get any rest. Thoughts of horror rose into her mind as she considered the depths that her mother was willing to plunge and her cheeks constantly flamed with embarrassment. Her reputation was utterly and completely destroyed. Horror was, naturally, etched into her heart as she anticipated the outcome of the next day, dreading it and hoping it would never come.

But it did anyways, defying Lily's wishes as the sun rose steadily in a cheer that was not echoed upon her face. Rather, she hesitantly rose from bed, more hesitant than ever before. She even considered not attending classes, as to avoid the sheer humiliation, but that was simply unacceptable behavior coming from the Head Girl.

Then the thought suddenly occurred to her.

James Potter.

No doubt he had received one similar notice as well. He had been chasing her for years now and was always met by her steady refusal. She feared what may happen with this letter.

Adding oil to fire, she would say.

And suddenly, the invitation of the bed seemed more inviting than ever. She longed to drop into it and stay there the whole day, refusing to meet anybody.

But when she recovered, wouldn't the humiliation be ten times worse?

Sighing wearily, she forced herself to prepare. As always, Lora took forever to get up, and this time, Lily did nothing to help speed the process up. Her own dread of heading into the Great Hall--or leaving the dormitory, for that matter--caused her to linger even longer.

Neither of her friends questioned this out of character behavior, for they understood it quite well. Had they been in her position, they would have retired from Hogwarts and left for another school under another name.

Wearily, they headed to the Great Hall for breakfast. Lily picked at her waffles and didn't eat much of it, not finding the appetite to do so. And when the mail came around, it made her sick even further.

"What does it say?" Alice said, observing the owl that dropped a letter on Lily's plate fly away. "Is your mom relieving you of this... event?"

"I wish," Lily said wistfully as she crumpled the letter up and threw it on the table, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "It's a schedule." Upon their confused looks, she clarified, "A schedule for dates."

Granted, Lily was not quite expecting this to arrive, but she expected nothing less. And the dread in the pit of her stomach was realized. The letter assured that.

"Oh, Lily," Alice sighed sympathetically as she took the crumpled ball from the table, unwrinkling it, folding it smooth. Her eyes scanned across the list as she said, "Apparently you're due to meet a David Crotchman at eight tonight." She frowned as she looked up from the paper. "I've never heard of him."

"David Crotchman?" Lora repeated as she took the paper from Alice. "I thought he was in sixth year."

"He is," came a voice from behind. Lily jumped and turned around, finding Remus standing behind them. He turned to Lily with a small smile on his face. "I hear you're having a spot of trouble with your mother."

Lily wearily sighed. "Only too true," she admitted. "Though the whole school knows."

Remus chuckled and Lily frowned. What did he find that was so amusing about her desperate situation? "We're friends, are we not, Lily?" Remus said.

Lily's frown deepened. What exactly was he aiming at? His purpose was left blank in Lily's mind. "Yes..." she said slowly and rather suspiciously.

"There's tryouts for the Gryffindor Quidditch team today," Remus said. "Maybe you can tell him that you're going out with me to see the tryouts until you get used to the idea."

Some of the weight lifted from Lily's heart and a smile crossed her face. "Would you really do that for me?" she said, not entirely believing. When Remus nodded earnestly, her smile widened. "Thank you."

Remus then started to depart and an idea flashed through Lily's mind. Quickly, she caught up with him, looking around. In a lower voice, she said, "Wouldn't James be upset?"

Remus laughed lightly. "He would be," he agreed, "but he's going on it the wrong way." And before Lily could understand his words, he walked away and departed from the Great Hall.

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Dear David Crotchman,

I apologize for the misunderstanding on my mother's behalf; I have already found a boyfriend and I cannot be with you. Sorry once more.

Sincerely,

Lily Evans

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That evening, Remus waited and greeted Lily as any male in a relationship would. And they traveled to the Quidditch field together, alone, discussing light, humorous topics along the way. It was in such an upbeat, laid back environment that Lily did not feel the relationship existing at all. But it did not exist, after all, for it was all a façade that Lily did not mind at all.

And in this manner, they arrived at the Quidditch field met with the large crowd. Lily gasped slightly; she didn't think that the sport of Quidditch was this popular among her peers. Remus, upon seeing Lily's surprised look, mused, "Perhaps it's because of James that over half of these people are girls."

With this comment, Lily scanned the crowd more closely and found it to be true. She chortled slightly under her breath, amused. She couldn't see just how so much of the female population thought James attractive. He was absolutely, tormentingly repulsive in Lily's view. If only tormentingly was a word.

"Well," Lily said hopefully, "perhaps after this, there won't be any Potter left to deal with." She leapt into the stands to seat herself as she watched. And Remus only followed, not saying a word, a peculiar expression on his face.

But his expression was not the only peculiar one.

James Potter was at the other end, muttering under his breath. "How many d'you think are out here?" he said to Sirius. When met with nothing but a shrug and an arched brow, he sighed and said, "This is going to take longer than I thought." Clearing his throat, he called out and a hushed silence fell upon the Gryffindors. "All right, err, Chasers, go over here, and, err, people trying out for Keeper, stay over here, and Seekers, go by that tree over there--oi, not that one, that one! Yeah, of course I would want my potential Seeker waiting by the Whomping Willow... oi, no, I was being sarcastic! Don't go near the Whomping Willow! All right, and Beaters, go right there, no, more to the left a bit, you'll get hit by the ball if you wait there--all right."

Pausing for a breath, James looked around to see his masterpiece division.

They were still one big clump.

He, however, preferred to think of it as one big organized clump. Participles made all the difference.

With a weary sigh, he said, "Beaters up first! All right, err, I managed to nick--I mean, get--four bats. So get into groups of four... and whoever doesn't die by the end of tryouts will get the place." It took a while, with tagging and pushing and insisting, but the groups were finally formed and stopped bustling. "All right... you. That group. Go up now."

They obliged and flew up there, beating the ball about, while another team did the same with the other Bludger. The winner came out scratched and the others came out bloody and bruised. At the sight of this, a significant number of the Beaters left, as well as some of the others from other sections who watched the result wearily.

The tryouts were long and tiring, but with James' painful method, the time was cut short by at least a half of what it would've been. And, after finally gathering a team that James was slightly proud of, Sirius looked over and found Remus and Lily sitting up in the bleachers. Waving, he shouted, "Oi!"

At this cry, James looked over and followed Sirius' gaze, his eyes falling down upon the two peers who were laughing merrily together.

Suddenly, he felt his chest tighten and his breathing grow ragged. A certain rage seared through him as he watched one of his closest friends speaking and laughing so easily with the girl he fancied as he wished ill upon Remus.

Storming out of the field, Sirius had no choice but to look about, bewildered, running after his friend and shouting his name. And it certainly did not help matters when the rumor was spread by the next day that Lily Evans was dating Remus Lupin.

James felt his world being set on fire.

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Excitement continues on! So, did you like the Muggle Studies answers? Were they too perverted or wrong in any sense? Cuz I really try my best to keep this at a K+ rating. XD

Hope you enjoyed! Please review!

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NOOOOOOO!! What have I done? My revisions end here! Now Lily can't transform the broom into a tomato!! Ah well. I was stuck there anyways. Maybe she'll transfigure something else some other time. Heh. Ooh, a prank, perhaps? Keep updated!