Chapter 5

A/N: I know most people have probably stopped reading this story, since it was so long since I last was able to update, but here's the next chapter anyway! My granny had to have an operation, and I have been staying in her house, which has no internet, for the last month or so! Which is the cause of the delay! And I know this is kinda short, but I wanted to update asap! Sorry for the wait!

The glass was cool against his clammy forehead, the heating in the car feeling several degrees too warm, and his hands, tightly clasped in his lap, where shaking slightly despite his death grip. Closing his eyes tightly, he inhaled several deep breathes, once again giving a vain attempt to calm his beating heart and stop the wild thoughts chasing through his brain. He began to assimilate all the positive facts he knew about hospitals, running them through his head to stop his imagination from digressing any farther. "The Sri Lankans are thought to have introduced the first dedicated hospital to the world…there are two types of patients in a hospital, inpatients and outpatients… many hospitals with pre-20th-century origins began as one building and evolved into campuses…there are several types of specialised hospitals, such as trauma centres, children's hospitals, geriatric hospitals… psychiatric hospitals…" As his thoughts slipped back into dangerous waters, he could feel the shaking increase, and silently cursed his mind once again. Shaking his head slightly, he groaned as the simple action left him feeling dizzy and woozy. JJ glanced over in concern, quickly taking stock of his stiff position and weakening composure.

"Are you OK Spence?" When she received no answer, she reached out her hand tentatively, brushing her fingers over his arm in an attempt to get his attention. She could feel the goose bumps sitting up prominently on his skin, and she slipped her small hand over his, separating his hands and taking one into her own. Reid glanced up at her in surprise, but he could feel the shaking ease already. He squeezed her hand gently, in a silent gesture of thanks. The two rode out the rest of the journey in silence, Reid drawing as much composure as possible before they arrived, and JJ worrying about what was going to happen when they did arrive.

Slowly, JJ pulled her car into a parking space at the farthest end of the parking lot from the front door. Killing the engine, she turned to face Reid again, who, feeling her eyes on him, glanced up warily.

"Are you gonna be OK in here? I know it's gonna be hard for you, but if I can help, tell me, OK?" Reid nodded slowly, and JJ slipped out of the car, jogging round to help him out of his seat. Quickly wrapping her arms around his waist so she was supporting a large portion of his weight, the pair made their slow way towards the door of the ER. As they moved, JJ let her thoughts drift. She knew that hospitals brought back all the memories of his attack in Georgia, and those of his 'cold turkey' experience they had all had to watch him suffer after the drugs, but she also knew that there was more to it than just these memories that made him hate hospitals so much. She could remember as clear as day the haunted look that his eyes supported all the while he had been in hospital, and the clear relief that etched itself over his face as he had finally managed to limp out the doors to go home. She hoped that he would trust her enough to tell her soon, because it was tearing her up to watch him go through this alone.

Reid looked at JJ nervously, instantly put on edge by the look he could see on her face. She was clearly contemplating something, and he had a feeling that many of the teams profiling skills had worn off on her. He knew she had already realised that his dislike of hospitals was derived from much more than she knew, but he had hoped he could avoid explaining it to her. He still hated himself for what he had done to his mother, there was no way he could expect her not to hate him as well. Smiling nervously at her, he purposely avoided eye contact and forced himself to stumble on into the hospital. As he entered through the double doors, the smell of disinfectant hit him like a sledgehammer. He had to gasp for air as the smell evaded his mental barriers and brought on a rapid series of flashbacks from his childhood. "no…Spencer, you cant leave me here…come back…don't abandon me…SPENCER!!!" Jerking suddenly, he realised JJ had been talking to him.

"Sorry, what was that?" JJ gazed at him in concern, but didn't call him on it.

"I was just saying, you go and sit down, I'll get you sorted out at the reception, ok?" With that, she steered him over to the uncomfortable red chairs and plonked him down, pressing a soft, reassuring kiss to his head before moving towards the desk. Spencer sat in a daze, but he could feel the skin where she had kissed him tingle, spreading inexplicable warmth down to his chest.

Although it seemed like much longer, it was only a few minutes until JJ reappeared at his side, armed with a pen and a clipboard. Without further ado, she slipped in beside him and began filling out his details, only stopping to check how best to describe his injury. After jotting down the final few words, she handed the form back in and returned to her seat.

"It should only be another few minutes apparently, we seem to have hit them at a good time." When she received no reply, she once again reached for his hand.

"Spence…?" He glanced at her.

"JJ…sorry… I just hate these places…"

"Why?" Her hand flew to her mouth. She hadn't meant to even ask, never mind so bluntly. "Sorry, that's none of my business..."

"Its ok, really it is. I think…you deserve to know. But please…don't judge me too harshly…" He trailed off again, taking in a deep breath. He didn't want to have to do this, but he knew he had to. It was only fair, since she was the one there with him.

"I wont judge you at all Spence, you can trust me."

"I know I can." He replied simply, his eyes betraying how much that simple statement meant to him. "You remember my mum, don't you?" When she nodded in affirmation, he continued. "Well, when I was ten… my father walked out. He left a letter on the kitchen table, saying he had been offered a new job, and had taken it, because he couldn't cope with either of us anymore. Mum... she had become difficult, her mood swing where unpredictable, she had long periods of depression and temporary insanity. I cared for from then onwards, in between my studies. I used to come home at lunchtime, get her something to eat, get her changed, then head back for my afternoon classes. But, when I turned 18, I had just finished my first degree and had been accepted to do my second. But I felt I couldn't manage to care for her anymore, her condition had deteriorated so much she rarely got out of bed, she hardly recognised me. I know now that it was my fault, I should have tried harder, but I didn't think that at the time. I forced her to go into a psychiatric hospital. I'll never forget the look in her eyes as they led her away. I had betrayed her, in the worst possible way. Even now, I hate going to see her. Sure, I write every day, but visiting? No, I use work as an excuse!" Groaning in anguish, Spencer rubbed his head, trying to alleviate the building headache.

"Spence, look at me." Spencer knew he couldn't look at her, for fear of what he would see in her eyes. He knew that there was no disgust or negative emotion shown in her voice, but he knew that her eyes would betray everything to him. She reached over, tugging his chin up so he was facing her, but even then his eyes avoided hers.

"Spencer, look at me!" With ever growing trepidation, he finally risked a glance at her eyes, and what he saw made him feel glad he was already sitting down. They bore no malice whatsoever, only concern, empathy and, if he allowed himself to believe it, love.

"You were right back then and deep down you know it! There was nothing whatsoever you could have done except what you did, and it was the best decision for your mother as well as for you, even if she didn't see it at the time. You never betrayed her at all, you did a lot more than most people could have, and ten times more than what your father did." Spencer looked at her in confusion.

"But I ended up no better than him, in the end, I left her too. I left and came here, instead of staying with her like I should have. I chose myself over my mother!"

"No, you chose to have a life. There was nothing more you could do for your mother, and as you said yourself, she hardly ever recognised you. So you could either have wasted away in Vegas, or come to Quantico, to save the amount of people and do as much good as you have achieved since you arrived. You made the right choice Spence, don't beat yourself up about it, please." Spencer squeezed her hand gratefully, feeling his chest loosen a little at her words. Just then, a voice called out over the empty waiting room.

"Spencer Reid? Can you come on in please?" With one final longing look at the door, Spencer braced himself, and, with JJ's help, pushed himself forward to meet his fears.

Well, that was the long awaited chapter 5. now, im sure you like chocolate…so if you press the wee button below.. I might have a surprise in store for you!!! lol