"I don't know how you two get yourselves in these messes. I mean, seriously, body swapping? Haven't we done this already?"
Janet had been ranting for a good five minutes now as she took blood samples and began running other tests she deemed necessary for the situation.
"Indeed, we have, Dr. Fraiser. Could not the Machello device be brought here to right O'Neill and Major Carter in their correct bodies?"
Teal'c had met Jack and Sam in the hallway and was thoroughly enjoying his friends' predicament in his own way. To the casual passerby, he seemed as stoic as ever. But with the slightest twitch of his lips and the occasional i'm-not-being-sarcastic-because-i-am-just-your-curious-neighborhood-jaffa sarcastic comment, Teal'c might have well been rolling on the floor laughing hysterically to Jack.
"It's being sent here from Area 51 as we speak."
Jack perked up with this news. "So, you're saying that we could be back in our own bodies within 24 hours?"
"Hopefully, sir."
Jack threw his arms out in front of him in celebration. "Yes!"
"I agree with your sentiments completely, sir."
"Hey! My body's not that bad."
"Your knees are really sore today, sir."
"Ah. I've got some Icy Hot in my locker. It should help with that."
Sam crinkled her nose.
"Yeah, it stinks but that and a couple of Tylenol and you'll be good as new."
Jack looked thoughtful for a second. "Speaking of knees, I have brand spankin' new ones."
He hopped off the infirmary bed and jumped up and down a few times for good measure.
"Ow." Jack grabbed his chest.
"Sir!"
"What?" Jack looked down. His hands were firmly planted on Carter's breasts.
"Oh."
Quickly, removing said hands, Jack blushed furiously wearing a sheepish smile.
"Sorry, Carter." Pointing to her breasts, he continued, "These things need a warning label. No bouncing or jumping of any kind."
"Well, if you would have put a bra on this morning, sir, that wouldn't be a problem."
"That's something I never thought I'd hear. And you do realize, Carter, that in order for me to put on a bra, I would have had to stare at your breasts for an innumerable amount of time trying to figure out how to get the dang thing on, right?"
Now it was Sam's turn to blush. "Good point, sir. Thank you for not...doing that."
A familiar sound of this day caught their attention.
Strangled. Laughter.
Janet and Teal'c, yes Teal'c, were doing their utmost to keep straight faces. Janet's face was three shades of red and looked on the verge of tears.
Taking in a deep and halted breath, Janet wiped the corner of her eye, and wearing a grin she didn't even bother trying to hide, said, "I have to go do...something."
The second the infirmary door shut with her on the other side, Janet Fraiser burst out in a fit of giggles.
Both Sam and Jack glared at the door.
"I believe that Dr. Fraiser may require my assistance."
And with a grin that Jack was sure would give him nightmares, Teal'c too left the infirmary.
"The galaxy, officially, hates us."
Jack smiled. "Oh, come on, Carter. It could be worse."
"How?!"
"You could be stuck in McKay's body."
Her...his face took on a sickened state. "You're right. That would be worse."
Jack started fidgeting again.
"Carter, I think we may have a problem."
"What's that, sir?"
"I have to go to the bathroom."
Her reaction was instantaneous. "No."
"Believe me, Carter. I don't want to go anymore than you want me to. I'm not quite ready to face what's not there."
"I'm sorry, sir. You'll just have to hold it."
Jack looked at his watch. "Well, I've been up since 0530 and it's 0800 now and I've had to go since before I actually woke up so I either go soon or I'm gonna be facing puddle issues."
"This day just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?"
"Pretty much."
Sam grimaced. "Fine. But I'm going with you."
"What? I'm going the bathroom, Carter."
"Exactly. You can't go in the women's bathroom or the men's for that matter and either can I. We don't exactly fit either one. One of us will go the bathroom while the other makes sure that no one else comes in so that there won't be any awkward situations."
"Except for us, of course."
"Everything to do with this is awkward, sir."
"Touche."
By the time that they got to a bathroom and made sure that it was empty, Jack was practically running into one of the stalls. Sam stood at the mirror and frowned. Leaning on her elbows, she examined the Colonel's face closely in the mirror. He really was an incredibly handsome man. It was kind of odd to be thinking that while in his body though. She couldn't look into his chocolaty eyes and melt like she normally did. They were her eyes right now and it was all just weird.
"Uhh, Carter?"
"Sir?"
"Could you turn on the sink or something?"
Sam rolled her eyes. She never took the Colonel as the type who couldn't go to the bathroom with someone standing next to him. Evidently, he was.
Jack heard her turn on the water.
"Thank you."
Much better. It had been way too quiet and she was just...standing on the other side of the door.
He was about to stand up and pull up his pants when Carter said, "Don't forget to wipe, sir."
Oh. Women do wipe...down there. Jack hadn't actually thought about that in his dire need to get to the bathroom.
Taking the toilet paper, he tried to be as quick as possible about it.
"This is so not how I imagined the first time me touching you would be."
Jack froze. He did not just say that out loud. "Oh, shit."
She was going to kill him. Kick open the stall any second and end his life right there. What a horrible way to die. On a toilet seat. In a woman's body no less.
It was eerily silent in the bathroom...minus the sink water running. Jack prayed that the ground would open up and swallow him. Or even Thor. Pants down and all, Thor would be very welcome right now.
And then he heard it. A giggle. Coming from his male body, that was kind of terrifying in itself. But now she was laughing at him? Jack wasn't sure if that was better or worse than her killing him.
Pulling up his pants and flushing the toilet, Jack couldn't quite bring himself to open the door and face her.
Following another giggle, she said, "You can come out, sir. I'm not going to kill you."
No, but I may die of embarrassment. Putting on the most confident face he could, Jack opened the door and found a very amused Samantha Carter on the other side. In mind, anyway.
Her body was doing it's best not to run out the door. Putting on an air of ease, he said, "Your turn, Major."
The smirk washed right off her face.
Sam stood inside the stall. I can do this. I'm an adult.
After just standing there for what seemed like forever, Sam finally just thought 'To hell with it' and unzipped her pants. She couldn't quite stop the gasp from escaping her lips. Oh great! Just be obvious about it, Sam. But, my god. The man was blessed. She was glad she had never known all these years what Jack O'Neill had hidden away. She had enough fantasies about him as it was but now...she was in trouble. All that aside, this was so not a sexual situation and the member in question was attached to her, so the idea of actually touching it seemed not only wrong but disturbing.
After more standing and shifting on her feet, Sam just got it over with. How men could claim anything about missing the toilet seat was beyond her. Huge target to aim for, people.
Rushing to the sink afterwords to wash her hands, Sam looked in the mirror at Jack. He still looked pretty mortified. This whole experience was bound to be filled with more embarrassing moments so they minds well try to make it as easy on each other as possible. Still, she really couldn't believe she was about to say this of her own free will.
"Not exactly how I planned it either, sir."
She waited for a few seconds while his brain processed the thought. His...her eyebrows shot up and then he bit back a slight grin.
"Plans, Major? That sounds a little more serious than imagining."
She glared at him, fighting her own grin.
"I can throw out those plans, you know."
"Now if there's one thing I've learned about being a CO, it's that you've got to learn to execute your plans, Carter."
"Oh, I definitely know how to consummate plans, Colonel."
Jack decided it was a very good thing that they were having this conversation in their current situation. Because if Samantha Carter had said what she just said while in her body, he was pretty sure the consummating of plans would be happening right there.