Warning: This chapter contains the mention of blood and a very brief mention of rape so if you are uncomfortable with either I suggest you don't read this chapter.
"What the..."
Jack's initial thoughts were that he was dying.
"Sir?"
And then it hit him.
"Oh. My. God."
"Sir, are you okay?"
"No, Carter. I am not okay. In fact, I am far from okay."
Sam was a little unsure she wanted to ask. There were only a number of things that could possibly be happening inside the bathroom stall.
"Umm, what seems to be the problem?"
"Carter...when was the last time you had your...'unhappy time'?"
Unhappy time? What on earth was he...ohhhh!
Sam let out a nervous laugh.
"Oh."
"Oh. That's all you have to say. I'm bleeding out of YOUR body and all you have to say is 'Oh'!"
Sam put her face in her hands. Could this get any more humiliating? Not only was the Colonel fully aware of what every inch of her body looked like but now he was having her period. On the one note, that meant she wasn't having her period and it was kind of every woman's dream to have a man have to experience that and childbirth but this was her body and he was the Colonel. There were just some things he should never have intimate knowledge of and her period was one of them.
Sam lifted her head. "I'm sorry?"
"I don't think I can do this." His voice sounded on the verge of hysteria. "I could deal with the bra and the hair goop and everything else but I can't do this. It's just so...gross."
"I'm really sorry, sir."
"I don't wanna talk about it."
Jack was pretty sure he was going to be scarred for the rest of his life. He'd had a lot of bad things happen over the years, torture, death...but a period? It was just the ultimate horrific thing that a man was not EVER supposed to face. It was as if some higher power felt that turning him into a woman wasn't good enough, but now he had to bleed like one too.
"Sir, we'll need to go see Janet."
"Do you always inform the doctor when you get one of these things?"
"Um, well, no sir but we're in the mens bathroom this time and umm, you'll need supplies."
"Oh god. I really don't think I can do this."
Okay, Sam thought, now he's just being melodramatic. I mean, it's not as if he's dying.
"It's not that bad, sir."
Was she out of her flippin' mind? How was this not THAT bad?
"Carter, I am a MAN. Men are NOT supposed to be doing this...ever!"
"I know, sir. Believe me, I feel the same way. We just have one more day of this. Until then, we're just going to have to deal with...everything."
"I'm pretty sure my body isn't doing anything remotely close to this."
"No, yours has had its own little surprises."
"Little? I don't know if I would not call it 'little', Carter."
Oh, don't worry, Colonel. Neither would I.
"No, sir." Quickly changing the subject, she said, "Off to see Janet then?"
He groaned. "Carter, this does not get told to anyone. If I so much as hear you tell your plant about this, I will do something so horrible to you that I can't even think of what it is yet it'll be that bad."
"Yes, sir."
Janet was very quiet when she heard of the newest predicament that they had found themselves in. So far, all she had said was 'Oh.'
Jack glared at her.
"Doc, if you laugh or say one word about men deserving this, you'll just think I was a bad patient before."
Janet nodded and held up something in a white plastic wrapper and a green plastic square thing.
"Well, Colonel, these are your options. You can either wear a tampon or a pad."
"So, anotherwords, rape or a diaper."
Janet gave him a condescending look. "I would hardly compare a tampon to rape, Colonel."
"Well, it definitely wouldn't be going in willingly!"
"I take it you want the pad then."
Jack sighed, Sam's facial features coming off the very picture of despair.
He reluctantly took the pad, holding it away from him looking unsure what he was to do with it.
"Umm..."
Janet couldn't prevent herself from rolling her eyes. Taking the pad back, she opened the wrapper to show him what he would need to do.
"Oh," was his first reaction. "It unfolds."
"You'll need to take the paper off the back sir so that you can stick the pad to your underwear to hold it in place."
Jack pointed at two flaps on either side of the pad.
"What are those for?"
"They're wings, sir."
"Wings? These things fly now?"
Janet sighed long-sufferedly. "You stick them to the outside of your underwear, Colonel. It helps hold the pad in place and prevent leakage."
Jack cringed.
Sadly, he took the pad and stood up.
"I really miss my body."
"Me too, sir."
Jack nodded and started off to the bathroom.
"Carter?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Promise me that your body won't miraculously get pregnant somehow. I think that's the only thing left that can possibly make this experience worse."
"I'm pretty sure you're safe, sir."
"Good."
"Unless of course you do some experimenting..."
"Carter, now is so not the time for your sense of humor."
Sam bit her lip.
"Of course not, sir."