Run and Hide

Julie always said that it wasn't healthy to hide your feelings, because with hiding them you deny who you really are. Julie had always hated it when Elizabeth had put on her negotiating mask. Elizabeth had tried to explain to her that it was necessary to hide your feelings during negotiations to avoid showing any signs of weakness.

Elizabeth had adopted this behavior until Julie had told her that there were no negotiations at their home. She had slowly begun to let her mask crumble when she was around Julie, but she had never given it up completely. It was a too precious gift. And now it controlled her again.

She didn't even bat an eye when she saw Caroline Sheppard in the dining room, laughing with John's parents. She didn't flinch when Caroline smiled at her and said that it was nice to meet her. She didn't show any emotions when John came back in the afternoon and encircled her from behind to drop a kiss into her neck. She let him kiss her and hug her, but she didn't care.

"Hey, what's up?" he asked confused when she didn't react the way he was used to.

"Nothing"

"And with 'nothing' you mean...?" he raised an eyebrow at her.

"Would you please let go of me?" she asked politely and he eyed her in confusion before he let her go. She took a step backwards to bring distance between them.

"Elizabeth, what happened?" he asked, now openly worried.

"I'm going to accept a job offer from the UN"

"That's great" he said, smiling.

"It's in New York" she added and his face fell.

"That's not so great"

"I don't think it's any of your business anymore" she said. It came out harsher than she had intended.

"Ok, Elizabeth, what is going on here?" he demanded.

"I think your wife is waiting for you upstairs" she said and she couldn't help feeling a sudden stabbing pain in her heart at her own words. John was obviously shocked. He stared at her, his mouth slightly open at a loss for words. And then he found them again.

"Elizabeth, no. You don't..."

"Are you married?" she cut him off. He didn't say anything. "It's a simple question, John" she said. She was beginning to lose control of her shut away feelings. He looked at her with a pained expression.

"Yes" he breathed. "But..."

"She's waiting upstairs" Elizabeth turned around to leave.

"No" he said loudly and grabbed her elbow. Elizabeth looked at him. Her eyes were suddenly burning with unshed tears.

"John, please let me go" she said quietly. She didn't want to cry in front of him. Not again. She wouldn't cry at all. "Please" she said again. John swallowed hard.

"Elizabeth..." he said hoarsely, but she shook her head. He let go of her elbow slowly. "Let me explain..." he started, but she cut him off again.

"No" She didn't want to hear explanations and excuses. She had to do this her way. She had done it this way before and it had worked. It'll also work this time. "I won't be here tomorrow, so I guess this is it" she said. She stepped closer to him and gave him a last kiss on the cheek and she had to pull away when the urge to cry overwhelmed her.

She wouldn't let her tears fall. She hadn't done it the last time. She had accepted it and she would also accept it this time.

"Elizabeth..." he tried again, but she turned around and left.

She had called Michael as soon as she had come home in the evening. He had been glad that she had decided to come back. Things were going upside down since she had left, he had assured her. Elizabeth wanted to start working again as soon as possible and Michael had told her that he would like her back on Wednesday. That left her one day to get ready. Julie caught her packing when she came home later that evening.

"You accepted?" Julie asked and Elizabeth found her leaning against the door frame of her room. The pose reminded her of John.

"Yes, I did" she said and went looking for her brown blazer.

"That's some news" Julie commented.

"Yup"

"What did John say?" she asked and Elizabeth froze.

"He accepted it" she said in a hollow voice and continued rummaging through her closet. The blazer had to be somewhere.

"He accepted it?"

"Yes"

"Elizabeth, would you stop packing for a second and look at me?"

"Why?" she sighed.

"Just do it" Elizabeth abandoned her closet and turned around to look at Julie. "What happened?"Julie asked.

"Nothing"

"No. Try again" Elizabeth turned back to her closet to hide her shiny eyes from Julie. She took a deep breath to steady her voice.

"John is married. His wife just came back" she said and pulled out a drawer of her closet, having forgotten about the brown blazer. Julie didn't say anything to this and was silent for a few moments.

"Ok, I'm just going to say this once, so please listen. When Simon left you and you decided to just ignore it and go on living, I accepted it. He wasn't the right man for you, I have told you that more than once. I accepted your decision to shut everything out and run away, but I won't accept it now. You're making a mistake. I don't know John very well, but I do know that he's in love with you, he may even love you. Even a blind man can see that. You're making a mistake when you leave now, just because you discovered an inconvenient truth about him. I knew for a fact that Simon wasn't right for you just like I know that John is. You can't ignore it this time and shutting it out won't help you either, no matter how far you run away"

"He's married" Elizabeth said stubbornly, putting a pair of socks into the bag on her bed.

"It took me years to get behind that façade you've built up over time and it took him only a few days"

"So what?" Elizabeth asked. She wanted Julie to go away. She wouldn't be able to hold her tears back any longer.

"Just go and talk to him, Elizabeth. I'm sure he can explain it. You just have to give him the chance to do it. Let him get behind your façade, because I'm not able to do it anymore" she said sadly and left the room. Elizabeth took a deep breath to calm herself and sat down on her bed.

She pressed her eyes shut to keep away the burning sensation of her tears. Julie didn't understand what it felt like. She was her friend, yes, but right now she had no idea how miserable she felt. Julie was right, she had run away after Simon had told her that he'd met someone else and it was the same with John. Elizabeth would run away again. She knew that losing John was the worst thing that could happen to her, but she also knew that she would never stay.