A/N: Sorry for the long wait. The next chapter is up. Enjoy!
"Life sucks" Elizabeth said and scooped some more ice-cream onto her spoon.
"Yup" Julie said and handed her the entire bowl of chocolate ice-cream. It was Tuesday evening and they were both sitting on the couch.
"Life really sucks"
"Definitely"
"Maybe life in another country is different, easier" Elizabeth said thoughtfully.
"Yeah, maybe"
"I should move to, I don't know, Tibet. Tibet sounds like a country where life is easier"
"Ok, you know what? I think you had too much ice-cream. You're high from all the sugar" Julie said and snatched the bowl back from Elizabeth's hands.
"Hey, I'm the one with the married ex-boyfriend. I deserve to be on a sugar high" Elizabeth protested before she started laughing. She hadn't felt so light for the last few weeks.
"No more ice-cream. How about I get you a coffee instead?" Julie asked when the doorbell rang. "Ok, you open the door, I'll be in the kitchen" she said and hopped off the couch. Elizabeth sighed and got up too. She checked her clothes quickly before she opened the door. It was John. He really was haunting her. He was about to open his mouth when Elizabeth slammed the door shut in front of him. It just had been an impulse.
"Who was it?" Julie asked when she padded back into the living room. Elizabeth turned around to her friend.
"John" she said and tried to calm her racing heart. Julie raised an eyebrow at her.
"You didn't just close the door again, did you? That's rude, Elizabeth" she said. She went over to the chest of drawers next to Elizabeth and took her keys. She then took her jacket from the hook next to the door.
"What are you doing?" Elizabeth asked alarmed, following her friend's movements. Julie looked at her.
"What did I tell you about ghosts? You want him to leave you alone? Then talk to him. I'll get some more ice-cream" she said and opened the front door. Julie found herself face to face with John who had his hand raised, apparently ready to knock. Elizabeth felt her insides turn to ice. Julie was right; she had to talk to him eventually, but now was too fast for her liking. "Hey" Julie greeted him. "You should go inside before she slams the door shut again" she said and stepped around him and out of sight.
Elizabeth hugged her arms around herself and looked at him. He looked tired and careworn like he had done the week before at the Atlantis Charity Ball and he made no attempts to enter the apartment. He just stood there and looked at her. Then he sighed.
"I'm just here to say thank you for the card you sent to my father. It was a nice gesture"
"How is he?" Elizabeth asked before she could stop herself.
"Fine I guess" he sighed tiredly. There was a sadness in his voice and his lines that made her momentarily forget about their history.
"You're still not talking to each other?" she asked and he looked at her in surprise. "Mia told me" she explained. He ran a hand through his hair and looked down.
"No, we're not and I think that won't change"
"Give it some time"
"Yeah" he sighed again and took a step back. "I think I should...thank you again for the card. That's why I'm here" he said quietly and Elizabeth nodded. He looked miserable and she really shouldn't care about it, but she did. He was about to turn around when she couldn't stop herself.
"John, are you ok?" she asked, not able to keep the concern out of her voice. One part of her wanted him to go, but the other part couldn't bear to see him like this. His gaze snapped to her face, the confusion in his eyes only evident for a second.
"I'm fine" he said and she could see that even he didn't believe in his own words. There was an inner battle in Elizabeth. Face the ghosts, she told herself.
"You're not fine. Come in. I think Julie made coffee before she left" Elizabeth said and let her arms drop to her sides. Just face the damn ghosts.
"No, I'm ok. I should go"
"Please. Before I change my mind" she said quietly and he looked at her. She had to do this. He looked at her a few moments longer before he finally stepped into the apartment. Elizabeth gave him a wry smile and turned around to get the coffee. When she stepped into the kitchen she let out a long breath she wasn't aware she had been holding. She grabbed two mugs and poured them some coffee, all the while trying to ignore her urge to stay in the kitchen and hide as long as he would leave again.
When she came back she found John sitting on the couch, his face buried in his hands. She put a mug in front of him and sat down opposite of him in the armchair. He looked up and smiled slightly.
"Thanks" he said and took a sip from the hot coffee.
"Mia told me you had a fight with your father when it happened" Elizabeth broke the silence after a few moments. He winced slightly. He really did blame himself. He looked at the flowers on the coffee table when he spoke.
"Yes, it was a pretty nasty fight. He just clutched his hand to his chest and collapsed at some point. I think Nicholas was next door and heard it all. He was the one who called the ambulance" he explained.
"Does your father blame you for what happened?" she asked and he looked at her.
"No"
"Then why are you blaming yourself?"
"I don't..." he said and tore his eyes away from her. He rubbed his hands over his face and sighed. "The things I said to him caused the heart attack. I'm blaming myself, because I would do it again. I would say those exact same things again. I knew beforehand that that conversation would end in trouble, but I did it nevertheless. And I did the right thing, but he won't understand it. He refuses to talk to me until I change my mind about what I said, but I won't do that" he said. Elizabeth wanted to ask what the fight had been about, but she came to the conclusion that it was none of her business anymore.
"If it was the right thing to do, then don't blame yourself" she said and took a sip from her coffee.
"Don't" he said and abruptly stood up. He ran a hand through his hair and looked at her with a pained look.
"Don't what?"
"I should go. I can't..." he sighed and retreated to the door.
"You can't what? What's wrong?"
"I can't ask this of you. I can't ask you to listen to my problems, not after...not after what I did to you" he said and she straightened her back. Now it was probably time to face the ghosts.
"Why didn't you tell me about your wife? Why didn't you tell me that you're married? Why did Evan not say a word? Why did you lie to me? Why did you hurt me like that?" she asked, the words tumbling out of her mouth. She hugged her knees to her chest, her chin resting on top of them. It took her all the willpower she had not to cry. The color had left John's face and he looked more miserable than ever before. He rested the back of his head against the door and then slid down until he was sitting on the floor. He was silent for a few moments before he spoke.
"My father introduced me to Caroline about 4½ years ago. He wanted to expand his company and Caroline was the perfect daughter-in-law for his plans. Her father owned a big pharmaceutical company, just like my dad, but he planned to retire. He needed a new head for his company and who would be better than a son-in-law? Caroline didn't want to have anything to do with her father's company and my dad knew that, don't ask me how. He suggested the marriage at a point in my life where I just wanted to settle down. Caroline is an attractive and smart woman and we married only months later. I was the head of 'Douglas Pharmaceutics' for about an hour before I signed over this right to my dad. Both companies fused and everyone was happy. Dad with his new big company, Caroline's dad with his share and Caroline with her new husband, but I was suddenly stuck in a marriage I didn't want to be in anymore. It was just too fast and we both realized that maybe we didn't fit as well together as we thought we do. We tried to make it work, we really did, but it was no use. We spent more and more time apart, Caroline worked abroad and only came back to the States a few times the year" he said and rubbed a hand over his face.
"When it didn't work, why didn't you get a divorce?" Elizabeth asked, her voice full of doubts. Why stay stuck in an unwanted marriage?
"The company. Getting divorced means to break the fusion. My father would have to give his part of 'Douglas Pharmaceutics' back to Caroline and he doesn't want that. Caroline and I agreed to stay married. We are living separate lives though. I certainly don't love her and she doesn't anymore. I told my father that I want the divorce. That's what our fight was about. He saw himself confronted with losing half of his company"
"That's really a nice story, but if it really were like you said, why didn't you just tell me?" Elizabeth asked and he closed his eyes and hit the door with the back of his head. If he had just said the truth, maybe she would have understood.
"I didn't tell you, because I am an idiot. I wanted to get to know you better before I tell you. Then I got to know you better and suddenly I was afraid to tell you. How could I possibly tell you that I have a wife? I told you that I loved you and having a wife didn't fit into the picture. And then I thought why tell you at all? Caroline was abroad and I was living my own life. I was egoistic and I didn't think about the consequences. At some point I just wanted to be with you and I ignored the fact that I should tell you about Caroline. I was naïve enough to believe that it didn't matter"
"You could have trusted me to understand it" she said quietly, hugging her knees even tighter. He opened his eyes and looked at her.
"I trusted you, I still do, but what if you hadn't understood it? What if you had left? I was afraid of the what if's, but with choosing not to tell you I made it all happen. It's ironic how life turns out sometimes. There you are, trying to prevent bad things from happening and with exactly doing that you make them happen" he said sadly. "I'm pretty good at hurting the people around me"
"Yeah" Elizabeth sighed. "You make it easy for them to lose their trust in you" she said and looked directly at him. He held her gaze for a few moments before he looked away. "And sometimes it's just too much. Sometimes it's too much to ask for regaining that trust back"
"I see. As I said, I didn't think of the consequences. Now I have to live with them"
"It's not only about you, John. The people you hurt have to live with the same consequences. You burden them with the consequences of your mistakes" she said coldly and he winced at her harsh words. He had practically ruined her life and made her spend the past weeks in misery, because he'd been egoistic. He had decided about her life and it hadn't turned out the way they both had wanted. "You didn't answer my question about Evan. He's your best friend, but he never mentioned your wife to me. Is that what you do all the time? Cheating on your wife and he doesn't care about it?" Elizabeth demanded. He looked at her with a hard look.
"Don't blame him for what happened. It's my fault, not his. He cares a lot, especially about you. He likes you and he blames me for what happened. I told him that I would tell you about Caroline. He didn't say a word to you, because I asked him not to and because I promised him to tell you. He trusted me. Once again I exploited that trust" he ended sadly. He stared at his knees and they spent the next few minutes in silence.
Elizabeth was trying to put her emotions back in order. There was the anger she felt towards John for hurting her like that. Then there was disappointment. She had trusted him completely and he had played with her trust like it had been worth nothing. She couldn't understand why he hadn't just told her everything. It would have been better than living with a lie and the consequences. She hated him for agreeing to that marriage in the first place and she hated him for pulling Evan into it all. There was a small amount of pity inside her for his current situation with his father and she even felt sad about the fact that she couldn't help him.
She didn't know if she still loved him, he had just left too much damage behind and she wasn't sure if she had the strength to let him rebuild it. She wasn't sure if she could trust him again. She had trusted him with her life and he had destroyed that trust. She didn't know of she had more to give. Sometimes it was just too much. But above all these emotions there was still the hurt she felt. He had hurt her, maybe not deliberately, but he had done it. She had wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, but he had made her life burst into pieces. She didn't know if she could forgive him for doing that.
"You could have tried to explain it earlier" she said quietly and he looked back at her.
"I know, but I didn't. I know it's no excuse, but when you of all persons told me that my wife is in my house you gave me the shock of my life. I saw your face and your eyes told me that I wouldn't get through to you. I let you go. I thought maybe I should give you some time. And then you went back to New York. I wanted to come after you, but then I realized I had nothing to say to you. I could have explained it all to you, but it probably wouldn't have changed anything. The damage was already done. Then we met at the Charity Ball and I wanted to talk to you, but when you told me to leave you alone I understood it. You showed me that it wouldn't change anything at all" he said and got back to his feet.
"It just hurt. It still does" she admitted quietly.
"I know and I'm sorry for what I did. It's not much, but believe me when I say that I loved you, I...I do love you. It wasn't a game. It probably won't mean anything to you now, but I wanted to spend my life with you. Maybe you have noticed that I never cared if anyone saw us together. I wouldn't have done that if I had a wife I loved and for whom I waited. There is nothing more I can say than sorry" he said and looked her straight in the eyes. Elizabeth swallowed slightly. He then averted his eyes. "I should go" he said and opened the door. Elizabeth got up from the couch and went over to him, but keeping some distance between them.
"Don't blame yourself for your father's heart attack. You did what you thought was best and the fact that you would do it again proves that it is the right thing to do" Elizabeth said, picking up their earlier conversation. He rested his head against the side of the door.
"I know that it is the right decision. It's long overdue, but I doubt that he will accept it" he sighed and walked outside. "You're going back to New York, right?"
"Yes" she said and he nodded slightly.
"Take care of yourself, ok?" he asked quietly and Elizabeth felt tears well up in her eyes. So this was the closure she had wanted. It somehow didn't feel right. She nodded and he gave her a small smile. He then turned around and left.