Operation: Valentine

"Now then, why did you summon me here?" The Chief Justice asked before sipping some tea.

"My Sellbots have been acting strangely," the Vice President explained as he gazed out his office window at the courtyard below. "They've been exhibiting. . . unusual behaviour," he continued recalling the sight of an unfortunate Cold Caller being molested by a besotted Telemarketer.

The CJ scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Now that you mention it, some of my Lawbots have been acting. . . questionably as well."

"Coincidence?"

"I doubt it."

"Toons are behind it, then."

"Indeed. As I recall, it's about now that the Toons celebrate something they call Valentine's Day."

Oh yes, so it was. "The question now is, what do we do about it."

"First we must establish how they do it."

"I'll send for one of my affected Sellbots." He picked up the phone from his desk. "Hello? 717-3?"A pause. "That's funny, he's not responding-"

Suddenly the door to his office was thrown up. The two Bosses looked up sharply.

"A Toon!" The VP exclaimed, slamming the phone down.

Standing in the doorway was a tall, red bear in a pink shirt and red dress and wielding a bow and arrow. "Surprise!" she replied, before registering the presence of the Chief Justice. "Oops." She quickly pulled out a massive arrow; the tip shaped like a love heart and fired it at the VP then ran.

"Why you-!" The Sellbot accelerated to the door, with the intention of chasing after her.

"Let her go," said the Chief Justice. "She's not worth the effort."

He sighed and closed the door.

"Now come here, I want to get a look at that arrow."

The VP blinked and stared down at the arrow now protruding from his chest, where his heart would be if he physically had one. "She got me?"

"It doesn't hurt?"

He shook his head as the CJ approached.

The Lawbot grasped the arrow and tried to pull it out. "It won't budge."

"What!? I don't want this sticking out of me forever. Maybe you're not pulling hard enough."

"Now that's interesting."

"What is?"

"The colour is bleaching out of the feathers."

"What does that mean?"

"Now how would I know?" He pulled off his blindfold for a better look. "Do you feel any different?" He asked when the feathers had turned from red to completely white.

"You have very pretty blue eyes," the Sellbot replied in a strange tone.

The CJ scowled at him. "This isn't the time-" He suddenly realised that his companion's demeanour had changed dramatically. "Are you all right?"

The VP smiled coyly. "I'd feel better if you gave me a kiss."

His mouth fell open. "I beg your pardon?"

"Pretty please?"

"Certainly not!"

He leaned in till their faces were inches apart. "Pretty please with cherries on top?"

"No! And no to any further requests."

The Vice President whimpered looking heartbroken. "But I love you."

"No, you don't know what you're saying; you're not yourself. It's that arrow, it's done something to you."

". . . So. . . you think my feelings are false?"

"Yes!" he replied enthusiastically. "That's exactly right."

"I think you're just shy."

"Wha-!?"

The VP attempted a tackle-hug, but the CJ reacted with lightning fast reflexes and reversed out of the way. This small victory was short-lived because he was now pinned against the wall between the Sellbot and his desk with the aforementioned Cog blocking the only exit. The situation looked bleak. Faced with the prospect of unwanted and unnecessary over affection, the Chief Justice began to panic.

"Calm thoughts, Chief, calm thoughts," he muttered to himself. "Remember what your father taught you."

The mental image of a stern-faced, archaic Bigwig saying "There is always a solution." quickly materialised.

"Exactly. Now find it." He looked up, straight into the eyes of the Senior Vice President.

"You look like you're in need of a hug."

"Wait!" The Lawbot pointed. "Look! Is that a sales pitch?"

Without turning round, he replied, "I don't see anything."

The CJ cursed remembering that the VP literally had eyes in the back of his head. He reached up and seized one corner of the VP's head and spun it round, fast. The Sellbot yelped and grabbed his head to stop it spinning. By the time he had recovered, the CJ had taken refuge behind the desk.

"Ooooh, playing hard-to-get are we?"

"No!" he snapped. "I'm playing I-don't-want-to-be-got-at-all." The Chief lifted the desk above his head and threw it at his colleague.

"Noooo!" The VP wailed, afraid it would break. He caught it, and carefully put it down, providing the CJ with the distraction that would finally allow him to flee from the room and his deranged friend.

The Chief Financial Officer trundled into Sellbot Headquarters, his second in command, Robber Baron 284-9 perched on his shoulder.

"Nine?" he whispered. "Is that Loan Shark still following me?"

Nine glanced casually over his shoulder. "Yep. There's no getting rid of him, sir."

"Tell him to go home."

"Have done, sir. Several times. He won't respond to reason."

The CFO groaned. "Why me."

"Could be worse, sir."

"How?"

The Robber Baron shot him a grin. "Imagine a hoard of them, if will."

"Oh no thank you." He shuddered.

The two Cashbots continued further into SBHQ.

"Oh, Nine, while we're here, do you think you could fetch me the Sellbot's financial records."

"Right away, sir." The Robber Baron hopped off and headed for 717-3's office.

Without warning, a terrified Chief Justice tore around the corner leading to the Vice President's office. He seized the CFO's lapels and snarled into his face, "You never saw me, understand?"

"O-okay."

"Good answer."

". . . What are you doing?" He asked as the Lawbot hunkered down behind him.

"Ssh, I'm hiding. Pretend I'm not here."

"Hiding from-?"

The Vice President appeared. "Chiiiief?" He called.

"What?" The CFO responded immediately.

He beamed. "Have you seen the CJ?"

"Er. . . no. Uh. . . why do you ask?" Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a yellow rabbit shooting something at him. He looked down, inspecting himself for damage and saw an arrow sticking out of his chest. "What's this?"

"Is it an arrow?"

"Yes, how-"

"Well don't look at me!"

The VP heard that. "There you are, Chief, trying to hide from me!"

The Lawbot gasped and bolted, leaving a puzzled CFO trying to remove the arrow. "It won't budge."

"Hey, Chief?" 284-9 called, waving a folder. "I got those records you. . . Chief?"

The Chief Justice surged desperately down the labyrinthine corridors of Sellbot Headquarters. He was vaguely aware of the fact that he was heading in the general direction of Maintenance and Repair.

Ahead of him, he spotted two struggling figures, one clad in the grey suit of the Lawbots, the other in the burgundy of the Sellbots. In some bizarre parody of his own predicament, it seemed that his second in command, Bigwig 159-2 was being assaulted by his comrade, Sellbot second in command, Mr Hollywood 717-3.

"Chief! Help!" 159-2 pleaded, one hand in the Sellbot's face. "He's trying to molest me! He wants to do things to my hair!"

As he rocketed by, he leaned down, plucked Two from Three's grasp and deposited him on his left tread guard.

"Th-thanks," he said shakily.

"We're not out of this yet, Two."

"Any ideas, sir?"

"I keep running until. . . something happens. Or until I run out of power."

". . . I'll take that as no, then, sir." He stood up and peered over the giant Lawbot's shoulder at their pursuant and was surprised to find it was the Vice President. He gasped. "Oh no!"

"What?" the CJ demanded, alarmed.

"Three's with him!"

Robber Baron 284-9 struggled against the vastly superior strength of the Cashbot Boss, who was hugging him, painfully. "Chief," he gasped. "Please, let me go. You're crushing me!"

Several attempts to break or remove the arrow that was undoubtedly the cause of this distressing behaviour had also proved fruitless. He looked desperately around for something, anything, that would help and spotted the Loan Shark that had been following the CFO. He looked heartbroken. 284-9 watched as he put his head in his hands began to cry, then watched with the interest as his arrow shattered and the Loan Shark came to his senses.

"What the-? What am I doing here?"

"You there!"

The Cashbot jumped and saluted. "Yes sir?. . . Oh my, you seem to be in a bit of a pickle."

"Yes. Thank you. What's you're designation?"

"416-8, sir."

"All right then, 416-8, get over here."

The Loan Shark hurried over and hopped up onto the Chief's right tread guard. "What do you want me to do?"

"Er, well, we need to remove this arrow, but we can't do it. . . physically."

"O. . . kay."

"Good. We just have to make him think that I, er, my interests lie in another Cog, then he'll get upset and the arrow will break."

"I'm guessing this other Cog will be me."

"Exactly right, so I'll need you to play along. But first. Get him to let me go!"

Bigwig 159-2 pointed ahead. "Chief! Hang a left here!"

"Huh? What?" The Chief Justice replied, but hung a left anyway. "This is Maintenance and Repair."

"Yes. The Skelecogs might have something for us."

"Hello?" A voice called out. "Who's there?"

"The Chief Justice and 159-2," The CJ replied.

"Have you been arrowed?"

"No, we're unharmed. Who is this?"

The voice sighed. "The Foreman. The Toons got most of my Senior team, but I've got the Juniors trying to work out what's going on."

He came out from behind a workstation with one hand over his eyes.

"They got me too, unfortunately. Now don't worry," he said when he heard the Chief starting to reverse. "I'm all right as long as I don't make eye contact with anyone."

"Do you have any information for us at all?" Two asked.

"The arrows contain a. . . something that acts like a program, which works as long as the arrows remain intact and embedded. And as you probably already know, they can't be removed or destroyed, at least not physically anyway. We've had a few Sellbots show up complaining of a gap in their memory and wanting to know why. Well these Sellbots were. . . 'reprogrammed' and now aren't. No remains of the 'program' either. Since they're the only ones who can tell us how it happened, we've been a bit stuck on how, unless someone's had the fortune to witness it."

"Do you have any idea how long the 'program' was designed to run if the arrow isn't removed?"

"Zip. The program shows no sign of degradation. Could last forever, could shut down tomorrow."

"Anything else?"

"Nope, that's all we have. You can check back later if you want. If you have somewhere to go. . ."

The Chief Justice shook his head. "No, the Vice President is after me, I'll hide here. If it's not too much trouble."

"Come. I'll show you somewhere where you can hide."

The Chief Justice twiddled his thumbs and stared around at the Foreman's main Office, which was now his hiding place. In the front of the room, to the left was the Foreman's desk and on the walls hung a large collection of tools, the blueprints of Sellbot Headquarters and the schematics of all seven Sellbot variants and the Vice President. The back half of the room was a large workspace, currently being occupied by the Lawbot boss. Needless to say, this part of SBHQ was one of the Sellbot's secrets, hidden behind a several forms of security and an inconspicuous disguise.

159-2 stared around the room in awe. "Chief is this-?"

"Yes. This was where the Vice President was designed and constructed. I wouldn't touch anything."

Two quickly snatched his hand away from one of the tools on the wall, looking sheepish.

"Why is there nothing to do?"

The Bigwig sighed and took on the CJ's left tread guard.

"Two, I'm not a bench."

"Sorry, sir." He hopped off and sat down in the Foreman's seat.

The Chief folded his arms and drummed his fingers. "As soon as he comes back, we're going home," he said after a while.

159-2 nodded. "Agreed."

As he said that, the sound of the of several security systems disengaging heralded the arrival of the Foreman. "We've just discovered something else," he said before the two Lawbots could offer some form of greeting. "When a Cog becomes infected and, er, reciprocates the attentions of another Cog, the thing, whatever it is, becomes an actual program. You see before, our computers where registering that there was something causing their behaviour, but attempts to get more detailed information or even to delete it yielded the fact that is was "unknown"- Are you in my chair?"

"Oh, sorry." Two quickly stood up.

"Now the program is activated when you look someone in the eyes, but they don't have to meet your gaze in return. And the arrow has to hit your onboard computer before it can work in the first place."

The CJ nodded, recalling the Vice President's comment about his "pretty eyes". "Can you delete the program?"

"No, it's protected. We're going to try and crack it and build a program to counteract at the same time."

"Well good luck with that. 159-2 and I have decided to go home."

The Foreman turned to a lever beside the door he had come through and pulled it down. The whole wall swung open.

"Just be careful," said the Skelecog as the two headed for the exit. "Even if we are able to delete it, there may be permanent residual symptoms."

"Don't worry, we will," Two assured him.

The Chief Justice quietly opened the door for 159-2 to peek out and check the coast was clear.

"It's clear, sir."

He opened the door further and rolled out as Two jumped onto a tread guard and then onto his shoulder. Without warning, two Toons appeared seemingly from out of the air itself, a brown mouse and monkey in red, the apparent uniform for this operation. There were two thwips, before they ran off.

"No." The Chief Justice stared down in mounting horror at the arrow protruding from his chest. "No!" At the red feathers bleaching to white. "NO!" He hastily shut his eyes. "Two, I've been hit."

"They got my arm, sir."

"Thank goodness. You'll have to be my eyes."

"Chief, it's the VP! Head left!"

The Lawbot accelerated and turned left as instructed. Hmm, if he was turning left as he exited Maintenance and Repair. That meant that the Vice President had done a complete circle.

"Get ready to make another left." A pause. "Now!"

The last thing he heard was Two's cry of "No! Chief, stop!" before they hit the wall, hard.

Robber Baron 284-9 stared hopefully at the Chief Financial Officer. He sighed. "It's no good, we're just not convincing enough."

"I'll say," 416-8 muttered. "I don't even know what we're supposed to be doing."

They had at the very least, after much persuasive talking managed to get the CFO to ease up on the bear hug and allowing Nine some degree of movement. All of a sudden the Robber Baron yelled a warning. Before the Loan Shark could move, he'd been struck in the chest by another arrow, as had 284-9.

The Cashbot watched with interest as. . . nothing happened. He remembered last time that the feathers had bleached from red to white before a giant gap appeared in his memory. He must be immune. The Loan Shark grinned and pulled the arrow out. "Sir, the arrows no longer have any affect on me." He looked up to see the Robber Baron smiling at him strangely. "Oh dear."

"Eight? Can I call you Eight?"

"No."

He stretched out his arms. "Gimme a hug."

"No."

"Just a little one?"

The Loan Shark glanced up and saw the CFO was noticing this change in his behaviour. "On second thoughts, sure." He stepped forward and allowed the Cashbot second in command to hug him.

Stung by his rejection, the CFO sniffed, oily tears leaking from his eyes. The arrow cracked, then shattered and the giant Cog finally came to his senses. "What. . . is going on?"

"Chiiiiief? Chiiiiieef?"

Who was that? And what had happened? Oh yes. He remembered crashing into a wall; a dead end. The front of his tank lower half would be damaged, he assumed. And when that had collided with the wall, he had would have been pitched forward, into it and this would have knocked him out instantly. Where was he? He cautiously opened his eyes; nothing.

"Oh Chief, you're awake."

Oh no, that was the Vice President. "What are you doing here? And where am I?"

"That's harsh," the Sellbot replied, hurt.

"You're in M and R," another voice replied. The Foreman.

"I crashed?"

"And sustained considerable damage. Looks like you were able to wake up by yourself, though, which is good news. Unfortunately since this is Sellbot HQ, we don't have your schematics and you're built and wired differently to our Boss. And since your HQ isn't giving us a response. . . We're going to have to shut you down until this blows over."

"Wait, what about 159-2-"

"Forget about him," the Foreman cut him off.

The CJ glared at the spot where he thought the Skelecog was or had been standing; what kind of an answer was that? He reached up, trying to feel if the repair team had put a blindfold, which would explain his lacking vision. Instead, he found to his horror that he could not see because his eyes were not there. "M-my eyes!"

"Yeah," the VP replied, a mischievous tone in his voice. "You look creepy. Listen, uh, I asked for a few minutes to say, um, goodnight. And sorry."

He sighed. "You may hug me if you wish."

The Sellbot eagerly did so.

"When I wake up, I hope you'll be back to normal."

"I am normal."

"No, you're not."

"Yes I am."

"No- Whatever. I'm ready."

"All right, beginning complete shut down sequence, now," said the Foreman.

The VP held his hand as the Lawbot slipped into oblivion.

"Chief? Can you here me?"

"Wakey, wakey, Chief."

The Chief Justice frowned and opened his eyes; darkness, again. Now what was going on? "Yes, I'm awake."

"Ah, thank goodness. There's good news and bad news."

"I'll have the good news first, please, Two."

"We're both fixed up and ready to go. And all infected Cogs are back to normal."

"And the bad news?"

"Er, well. The virus was designed to run from the time of activation to 12:00am precisely. Unfortunately, it had to have been activated to be able to expire. And since yours was never activated. . ."

His blindfold was yanked off and he found himself gazing into the eyes of the Senior Vice President.

"Fair's, fair," he offered by way of explanation.

"No," the Chief Justice whimpered as the last of his sanity slipped away.