CHAPTER FIVE

The month that followed the gut-wrenching events of that icy cold morning was by far the worst month of my entire existence. Not only had I hastily agreed to avoid Bella at all costs, but I was also forced to dip into the minds of various teenagers just to manage any glimpse of how she might be handling the situation. It was dreadfully tedious and boring work, but my family had given me no other option. They wanted to know if she would keep her word to me and not tell anyone what really happened, and rightly so. I had placed my family in a difficult position, and they deserved to know whatever information I could manage to pull from Bella's main conversations.

I spent the school days staring blankly at pages of books while my mind wandered the halls and classrooms searching for Bella. It only took a day or so to learn her normal schedule, which made it that much easier to find her and avoid her. At first, I paid close attention to every thought concerning her, waiting for her to slip and spill the secret of her survival, but it never came. She was bombarded with questions at first, and simply passed it off by giving me all the credit. I was surprised to hear her describe me as a hero, explaining what courage it must have taken for me to risk my own life to save hers. But what surprised me even more was that she really did keep her promise and never told anyone about what she had seen that day.

It annoyed me to no end that I couldn't at least thank her for keeping quiet. I agreed to stay away from her, and I kept my word on that, but it was more difficult than I anticipated. After all, I sat next to her for a full hour five days a week. She tried to talk to me the day after it happened, but I gave her the cold shoulder, not even bothering to look at her. She didn't try to talk to me after that. But she still watched me. I felt her eyes on me so many times it was starting to become a nuisance.

And yet, I wanted her to pay attention to me. I wanted her to be affected by my presence the way I was affected by hers. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one suffering from our enforced separation, even though she was clueless to the fact. In a very twisted way, it helped ease some of the pain to know that on some level she wanted more from me than I was able to give. It would have been too distressing had she been able to ignore me and forget all about me, for try as I might, I couldn't forget or ignore her.

I tried. Really, I did. I didn't speak to her at all, not even in biology when it was most difficult. I could make it through an entire day of school and not let my eyes dart to her once. I even managed to stop listening in to so many of her conversations, but that wasn't so much of a hardship as I often found the minds' of her friends to grate on my nerves. It would have been much more difficult to ignore Bella's mind, had I been able to hear it, and so for that, at least, I was thankful.

However, it wasn't during school but rather after school was over that I struggled to keep the agreement I made with my family to stay away from Bella. It was too easy in Forks to keep track of her movement. Home and friends' houses were her usual haunts, and with all the tree coverage, I could quickly find a convenient hiding place out of sight. I spent my afternoons watching her from a distance, wishing with all my might that she didn't have such a hold over me. And at the same time, I savored the fact that I had these feelings at all, however unfamiliar and unsettling they were to me.

I still couldn't name the feelings within me. Or maybe I was unwilling to name them. Having overheard Esme and Carlisle the night of the argument, I couldn't help but ponder the assumption they made on how I was falling in love with her. I could admit to lusting after her, for there was no way to deny how I craved her blood. But did I love her? I would have to be a fool to fall in love with a human such as Bella.

It was after nearly three weeks of silence between us that I found myself unexplainably sitting at the piano late one night, picking out a tune while images of Bella drifted though my mind. I don't know how long I sat there all alone, tinkering away at the keys, but it was long enough for me to actually form a bit of a tune. I fussed with it a bit, unhappy with a note here and there, until I noticed Esme standing at the foot of the stairs.

"It's lovely, Edward."

"How long have you been there?"

Her brows shot up. "Don't tell me you didn't hear me come down."

I looked away from her in embarrassment. It had been a long time since a member of my family had been able to sneak up on me and take me by surprise.

"You must have been really lost in thought," she said, stepping up to the piano and resting her elbows on the lid.

"I was," I admitted, since there was no use trying to hide it. "Where is everyone tonight?"

"Hunting. You should have gone with them. You look pale."

"I don't think they want my company right now."

Even though I had technically stayed away from Bella, my family knew it was driving me mad. They knew that I watched her and no one was overly supportive of that choice. It didn't bother Alice or Carlisle much, but I knew they worried about me. Esme wanted to see me happy, whatever I needed to do to get through this time. Jasper was slowly growing accustomed to the idea; clearly, Alice was influencing him. Emmett thought I was insane, but didn't much care as long as the family was safe. And Rosalie…I doubted if Rosalie would ever fully forgive me for what I had done. Deep down it wasn't so much that Bella was suspicious of me, but rather that Bella might start to wonder what it was about her that angered Rosalie.

"In all fairness," Esme noted, "you haven't given any of us much of a chance to spend time with you lately. I, for one, treasure your company very much. I wouldn't have been so insistent upon you staying with the family had I not enjoyed having you here."

I racked my fingers through my hair. "I appreciate that, Esme."

"But it's not my company that you want, is it?" she surmised.

I huffed out a small laugh. "Since when have you become a mind reader?"

"I'm not a mind reader, but I do have some skills at non-verbal communication."

"And what exactly do you think I'm saying?" I inquired.

"That you're miserable," she stated with perfect perception. "That you want something you think you can't have. It's all you ever think about, isn't it? You're so preoccupied with her that you don't know what to do with yourself when she's not near you."

I swung one leg over the piano bench to straddle it so I could see Esme better. "You make it sound as if I have a choice in the matter."

"You do."

"No, I don't. I made an agreement to stay away from her."

"Which you aren't keeping."

Her accusation stung. "I haven't spoken to her in almost a month. Do you have any idea how difficult it's been to ignore her?"

"But that's just it, Edward. You're not ignoring her." Her mind added, How can you ignore someone you love?

"I'm not in love with her, Esme. I know you think I am, but… it's not… I couldn't…" I faltered under her penetrating stare. "Even if I did, she hates me, so what would be the point?"

"Hates you?" she sounded surprised. "Why do you think she hates you?"

"Well, for one thing, I've been totally deceptive towards her. I've forced her to lie for me. I won't talk to her. I won't even acknowledge her."

"How does that prove that she hates you?"

"How could she not hate me after all of that?"

"Oh, Edward," she sighed, rolling her eyes. "How can you be as experienced in the world as you are and not know anything about women?"

Her question confused me to no end. "You think… you think she does… like me?"

"Absolutely," she declared. "Why would she keep your secret if she didn't care about you in some way? From what you've told us about her, she doesn't seem to be the type to just sit back and allow herself to be ordered around, and yet she has done exactly as you have asked."

I frowned at what Esme was suggesting. It didn't make any sense to me at all. A typical human would be livid at the way I was treating Bella, but then Bella had never behaved as a typical human should.

"You said you've haven't spoken to her since the accident," Esme said. "Has she tried to speak to you?"

"Yes, but only once, and it was right after it happened."

"And then nothing?"

I nodded.

Esme had a peculiar smile on her face and I reached in to her mind to hear what she was thinking. More proof that she's smitten with him. How can he not see it?

I was rather frustrated with her way of thinking. "Esme, she doesn't talk to me. Usually, if you like someone, you talk to them."

She laughed. "Logically, yes, but human girls tend to be more illogical than that. Generally when a girl is interested in a boy, she tries not to talk to him for fear that he will see that she likes him and tease her about it — or reject her. So usually when a girl likes a boy, she keeps quiet around him. She shrugs her shoulders and plays with her hair, glancing at him from the corner of her eyes to see if he's looking at her."

As she spoke, Esme demonstrated her words, hiding behind a cocked shoulder and flicking her hair around to act as a curtain. She peeked over at me shyly and then darted her eyes back down to the floor. "It's called flirting Edward. I'm sure even you have heard of it."

I grimaced. "You know, Esme, I'm not as naive as you think I am."

"I never said you were naïve. Just…inexperienced." You were so young when Carlisle changed you.

A groan escaped me. "That's even worse." I shook my head at her in disagreement. "It isn't inexperience and it isn't that I was too young. Those factors don't have anything to do with it. I just never felt the need to go outside of myself to find completion. I have always believed myself to be whole — as whole as one of our kind can be, anyway. Finding a companion has often seemed more like an expectation than a real need. I assumed that I had everything I needed here within myself, and what that didn't fill I could get from one of the family."

She smiled gently at me. "But you don't feel that way anymore?"

I opened my mouth to oppose her, but then shut it again. It was difficult enough to admit these things to myself let alone to Esme. She would most likely tell Carlisle, and I wasn't sure if he would approve or not. I didn't want to upset this family anymore than I already had.

Tell me, Edward. What is it you feel?

I closed my eyes, listening to her gentle prodding, and let the words spill out of me. "I can't stop thinking about her. Every moment of every day I wonder what she is feeling, what she is thinking. I walk the halls of the school purposefully avoiding her path but secretly hoping she will make an unexpected turn and bump right into me. I sit next to her in class, pretending not to notice how the light dances around her, trying with all my might to ignore the urge to lean into her and let her scent fill my senses. That's all I ever do anymore — all I want to do is think about her or be with her. I don't even know why, and it's driving me insane."

I turned my eyes up to look at Esme's concerned face. "All these years, I have never once envied what you have with Carlisle — or Rosalie with Emmett, or Alice and Jasper. I respectfully pulled away when conversations or situations became intimate or romantic. And it never bothered me. I was happy for all of you. It was what you wanted and needed and it felt right. And on those rare occasions when I was the odd man out, I treasured the time I had to be alone, with no thoughts in my head but my own. I never ever felt left out…or alone."

I paused and swallowed hard before adding, "Until now."

"Oh, Edward," Esme sighed, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"For the first time in my entire existence, I'm…lonely. I feel hollow inside, Esme. Like something's missing and the only way I can fill it…" I couldn't finish the sentence, even though I had already given so much away I was certain Esme knew how it would have ended.

"What am I going to do?" I asked, more confused than I had ever been in my life.

"That's up to you, Edward. I can't make decisions for you."

"How very parental of you," I grumbled.

A smile played at the corners of her mouth. "I suppose so. If you were my natural son, I would say the same thing. You have to do with your life that which you think is best. My only hope is that it will make you happy. I want to see you smiling — hear you laughing. If it takes letting a human into your life for a while…then so be it."

I jumped at her words, startled by the suggestion she made. "But the others - "

"Want you to be happy, too," she declared.

"I don't know, Esme. I don't want anyone to get hurt. Most of all, Bella."

"So, tell her that, and let her make her own decisions. You won't know how she really feels unless you ask her."

"I can't just ask her. She already thinks I'm crazy."

"And how do you know that? You can't hear her thoughts."

It was a valid point, one that I couldn't overlook.

"I'll tell you what," she exhorted, leaning on the piano casually. "You wanted advice, well here is what I would do if I were you. I would stop pretending Bella isn't there. Pay attention to her. Watch how she reacts to you in comparison to her other friends — specifically, her male friends. I think you might be surprised at what you see."

"And then what?"

"Well, that's your choice. Do what feels right."

"Even if it's the wrong thing to do?"

"Sometimes we have to choose between the lesser of two evils, Edward. Not every choice can be an easy one."

"I'm learning that the hard way. A century on this planet and I still have lessons to learn!"

She laughed at me then. "Indeed, we all do. I think you're going to enjoy learning this particular lesson, though."

If I could have, I would have blushed. I looked away from her so quickly it was impossible to hide the embarrassment. I could hear her worry in my mind. I didn't mean to upset you. "Don't be sorry, Esme. You didn't upset me. You just…" I sighed deeply. "This is all so new to me."

"Don't ever apologize for loving someone, Edward."

Her use of the word love wasn't lost on me. "I told you I'm not in love with her. I'm just…curious."

"Um hum," she hummed teasingly.

"How did you know?" I inquired tentatively. "With Carlisle…how did you know?"

Her face softened and a dreamy smile formed on her lips. "Carlisle saved me — figuratively and literally. My marriage had failed. I didn't love my husband… I didn't even like him. I had no respect for him. And with the death of my baby… I felt I had nothing left to live for. You remember those days, Edward. Men back then would never look twice at an old woman of twenty-six who'd already had a baby. Men wanted young, untouched wives. So when Carlisle changed me… when he wanted me… it gave my life a new meaning."

She looked into my eyes with such intensity that I couldn't look away. "Everyone needs for their life to be validated. That's why we search so diligently for someone to share it with — someone who will treasure our experiences. It isn't natural for someone to go through life alone."

"But how did you know?" I repeated anxiously.

"There isn't anyway to explain it. When it's right, you just know." Her hand rested on my shoulder and she leaned in closer to me. "You know, Edward. You know."

I exhaled loudly in protest and shook my head in defeat. Esme patted my shoulder and turned to head back up the steps. I watched her until she was out of sight and then followed her mind as she encountered Carlisle.

Learn anything new?

And why should I tell you about a private conversation?

Because Edward is important to me and I want him to be happy.

I think he will be…once he realizes that he's found his companion.

You really think so? Even though she's human?

We were all human once upon a time.

I pulled away from their thoughts, finding the progression of the conversation distasteful. I could never do what they were suggesting. Bella's humanity was too extraordinary to simply be ignored. I would never take that away from her. I knew that I would most likely break down and give in to my desire to be close to her, no matter how earnestly I swore that I wouldn't. But I would never go back on my promise to leave Bella as a mortal. I would destroy myself before I would let that happen.