Damage Control
Matt/Henry Saracen, Pre-Series, PG13, 662 words, Title from Big Love, Companion to "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes".
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Load… Aim… Shoot… Repeat
Henry Saracen knew how to use a gun. Of course it came with the territory of being in the Army and being stationed in Iraq. You never knew when you had to use one, and you always had to be prepared for the unexpected. She was unexpected. And a hard catch to please. But they hit it off almost instantly, even with the catty "you remind me of a robot" remark she would always use. He was 22. She was 20. And the world was at their finger tips.
It was a few months later when they got married. And any kind of happiness they had being around each other disappeared. He was 23 and a soon-to-be father. Probably the only reason she stuck around and moved in with his parents (even though she hated his mother).
He misses the birth of course, being stationed out in Missouri. Mom tells him Matthew Payton is the most beautiful boy she's ever seen. Henry smiles. He know he's gonna be a terrible father.
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He misses everything. Matt's first words, the first time he walked on his own, the first time he threw a football and fell in love with the game. And when he's actually home to see him, Matt has to be reminded of who this tall strange man standing in front of him is. Now Henry really knows he's a terrible father.
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It's no surprise when he finds out she filed for divorce. It's about damn time. But what really gets him is that she leaves Matt, and makes him Matt's only legal guardian. What kind of woman would just pack up her shit and leave her own child behind? No warning, no kiss goodbye, no nothing. He just hopes that it doesn't scar Matt for life. Hey, a guy can dream, right?
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Matt's seventeen and he thinks he hates his father. Hates the man that he is, hates that he doesn't care, and hates that no matter what he does, it'll never be good enough. People try to tell him the opposite, especially Julie, and while he appreciates that she's cares enough about him to tell him that everything will be okay, he just wants to scream at her that she doesn't get it. That she doesn't know the pain he's been though, and that no, it won't be okay. But he realizes that it'll only make things worse and decides to keep his mouth shut.
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Henry's proud of the man his son has become (he's more of a man then Henry will ever be, and they both know it). Henry talks about Matt to his unit every chance he gets. Whether it's about winning State, or how he has a girlfriend… it's all Matt, all the time. But he knows that no matter what he does or says, none of it is ever going to matter. It's never going to make up for never being around, it's never going to make up for refusing to listen to Matt's tearful pleads for him to come home and help him, and it damn sure will never make up for always treating Matt like crap when he never, ever deserved it.
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Henry goes to sleep most nights thinking that his only son hates him. And hell, maybe he should. He may be in his son's life more than his mother has been, but that doesn't make his absence acceptable. At least she stayed away, didn't come back here and there to try and make things right, only for them to blow up in her face like it has with him.
He promises himself that next time will be different, but that might be one next time too late. The damage has already been done. And this isn't something that you can glue back together, hoping that it comes out good as new. This is one thing that may never be able to be fixed.