Owner Of A Lonely Heart
Matt, Post-Who Do You Think You Are, PG13, 1054 words, Title from Grey's Anatomy, Companion piece to both Smoke Gets In Your Eyes, and Damage Control
Matt just stares at the letter that Carlotta gave him, trying his hardest not to let every emotion seep through. She left him. She packed up her shit and left the family behind. Matt isn't sure what caused her to leave. Did Grandma not matter to her? Did he and what they had not matter to her anymore?
Every person that Matt has ever loved has left him. The minute he really feels wanted, the minute he really feels loved back, he gets his heart broken. Over and over and over again. But yet he still believes that one day people will stick around for good. Or that maybe that certain someone who has left him will come back. He knows that it's all wishful thinking though. Doesn't even know why he bothers anymore. Why should he care when he knows no one else will?
--
He was always happy being around his mom when he was a kid. Even more so around his dad. But he was too young to understand that the love he had for both of them wasn't being returned in the way that it should have, in the way that a mother and father should love their son.
Matt began to notice his mother drift away from him when he was, say, ten and a half. The constant smoking and the pale, emotionless face she always had struck him as odd. He would always ask if she was okay and as always, she would say yes and tell him not to worry. So Matt didn't. Maybe she was having a bad day. There was always tomorrow.
And then one morning Grandma decided that is was a good day to go out shopping. Matt always liked going out of town and never ever saw the real reason why it was happening in the first place. As they entered their home later that night, Matt noticed that he couldn't find his mom anywhere. Grandma told him she went out for the night with her friends. And told him the next morning that she wasn't coming back. Matt didn't understand it of course, and still doesn't to this very day. Did she not care? Did she not love him anymore? He may never know.
The birthday card she sent him this year came about a week late. Matt threw it out.
--
As a kid, Matt loved that his father was in the Army. Loved that he let him wear his army hat and run around the house with it on. Although Matt never realized that it irritated his father. In some ways, you can say that he felt disrespected that his own son was running around the house with it on. Like he might ruin it forever and take the value it possessed away.
Matt began to learn that he father would come and go as he pleased. If he wanted to come home he would, if he didn't, well then he didn't. The more Matt pleaded, the more he would say no. And to be the man of the house. And just learn to live with it.
And when he does decide to come home and try to make things better, Matt lets him have it.
Once he leaves to go back to Iraq, they don't speak again for several months.
He knows his father doesn't care. He knows he never has and probably never will.
--
As long as Matt can remember, Grandma was always around. Whether she was making him cookies, bringing him to school, kissing him goodnight, or just being there to tell him everything would be alright, Grandma was there. Every single time.
But she isn't herself anymore. She isn't the person that Matt remembers. And Matt struggles every single day to help take care of her. To help her stay the way that she's always been. And while there may be some bits and pieces of her left, Matt knows in a few years that she won't even recognize him. And then she'll be gone. The person who has loved him more than anyone will be gone.
Damnit.
Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit.
--
Matt noticed Julie the minute she walked into the Alamo Freeze a few days after she first moved to Dillon. Matt doesn't know who she is, but he knew what she ordered, and still does to this day (although he's way too embarrassed to ever admit it). A chocolate sundae with jimmies, whip cream and hot fudge, along with a milkshake. She smiles and says thank you before she leaves.
Her sees her a few weeks later and finally figures out who she is. She's the new coach's daughter. Matt feels his body shake. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. But Landry insisted. It was hard at first to really get her to notice him, but Matt had to keep trying. And after a while it worked.
She was different. She wasn't just some girl looking to get something out of dating the quarterback. She liked him for everything else. And soon loved him for everything else. And he loved her back just as much.
But he knew the minute she began working at the pool that things would go south. She rarely spent any time with him, and always flirted with that Swedish kid. Right in front of his face. It isn't long before they call it quits, and it isn't long before she wants him back. But you know what, shit doesn't work that way. You don't just fall in love with someone, leave them, and then a few weeks later decide you want them back again. Matt won't let his already broken heart get broken even more. He's angry at Julie for what she did, but more over what has happened to him in the past. And until Julie GETS that fact, he won't take her back.
--
Matt lies on his bed that night, after putting the note in a safe place. Hiding his face under his pillows so that he can let everything out. He doesn't know what he's going to do now.
Everything is back to being a struggle.
He's back to being the freak that no one loves. He's back to being able to disappear without anyone knowing or caring. He doesn't know if he's ever felt so alone. And he damn sure doesn't know if he'll be able to trust or love anyone ever again.