Chapter 5

The first thing I realise upon opening my eyes is that I'm definitely not lying in my bed. In fact, I'm not in anyone's bed actually. I blink and push myself up onto my elbows, finding myself sprawled out across the couch in Tony's living room, my bag tossed down dejectedly onto the floor beside me. I suppose it could have been worse, I could have woken up in his bed with him.

With a light sigh, I drop my head back down again, hiding beneath my hood and wishing for a moment I was at home. I can hear loud voices coming from the kitchen and cupboard doors opening and closing and then, to top it off, the living room door bursts open and Mrs Stonem peers around it, beaming from ear to ear. She obviously expects me to be wide-awake. 'Breakfast's on the table, Maxxie, if you'd like some,' she says kindly. I offer her a small smile, but don't move from my comfy spot. She nods, getting the hint, and then leaves me be.

Half an hour must have passed by the time the door opens again, and this time it's Tony, munching his way through a bowl of cereal. He looks a little better this morning. He seems to have gained some colour in his cheeks and the dark circles under his eyes are beginning to fade. 'Don't worry, they've gone. You're safe to come out now you tosser,' he teases and I scowl at him. 'We have the house to ourselves.' A mischievous smile briefly flits across his features and he pops another spoonful of Rice Crispies in his mouth, chewing slowly.

Was that supposed to be some kind of come on? If it was, he really needs to think about upping his game.

I move to sit up, stifling a yawn with the back of my hand and then begin to make my excuses. 'I need to get to college,' is the first one and I set about putting my shoes back on as I say it. 'Gotta change, can't stay in these all day,' is my second getaway excuse. This one doesn't have the desired effect. In fact, Tony smiles broadly and then offers me one of his shirts. Oh he'd love that, wouldn't he, having me walking around campus all day wearing his clothes? Saying that, I don't feel inclined to turn him down, having his scent on me for lectures isn't the most horrid of thoughts.

'You could just not go of course,' he adds while I'm waltzing around his room, searching through his drawers for something to wear that's vaguely similar to what I usually wear. 'Keep me company.'

When I glance in his direction, I notice he's watching me very closely, his eyes focused on my back. I've been walking around shirtless for the last couple of minutes, a sight he's enjoying apparently. 'No,' I answer him after a stagnant pause, finally digging out a black and grey long-sleeved t-shirt and holding it up in front of me. It'll do. 'I'm not shagging you, Tony,' I add after I've pulled the shirt over my head.

'I don't want you to,' replies Tony coolly and I almost believe him for a second there. But he wouldn't have been making such a big deal out of having an empty house if he didn't want something, and the logical thing Tony would want after being stuck in hospital for so long would be a quick fuck. He can think again if he assumes he can get that out of me whenever he wants.

After giving myself a final once-over in the mirror, I turn back to him and retort, 'Yeah, OK.' Leaving his room, buckling my belt as I go, I walk slowly across the landing. 'What the fuck do you want from me then, Tone? Because you have Sid and Michelle back now, so why would you want to spend every waking hour with me?' I query with a shrug, leaving him with food for thought and then jogging down the staircase, lifting my record bag over my head. He follows without protest, but he's noticeably annoyed at being blown off.

When I make to head out of the front door, he finally stops me, slamming his hand against the wooden panels and narrowing his eyes toward me. Yeah, I've definitely managed to piss him off. 'I told you yesterday, Maxxie, if you don't want me, say so. I could have had Michelle round last night and put her to her uses,' he says and his comment only reinforces my earlier thought. Tony's horny. He wants me to stay with him today so that I can help relieve some of his tension. Fuck no; I'm not playing that game with him.

I shove him out of the way with my shoulder and open the door, catching his gaze. 'It's me or her, no ifs or buts, make up your fucking mind. I'm not just an excuse for a blowjob, Tony, get a fucking clue,' I say, keeping my voice low.

Nothing else needs to be said and I set off, sprinting towards the college, wanting to get as far away from him as possible. Maybe it was a stupid thing to say to him, I don't know, but I don't want to be played anymore. If he does really want me, like he said, it's about time he made a couple of sacrifices, Michelle being the ultimate one. Things had been bad enough after the history trip; I don't want to be responsible for hurting her again. She doesn't deserve that, no one does. Tony's hardly going to come running to me with open arms, but at least he now has the opportunity to prove himself.

College that afternoon drags and I can feel people's eyes upon me during our open lecture. Mostly it's just Michelle and Jal, so I think nothing of it. I shrink down into my seat, taking a few notes and smiling to myself as I inhale the scent of Tony's aftershave.

The bell sounds and I'm halfway out of the door when Michelle collars me for the second time that week. I glance at her, smiling awkwardly and she beams in return. It's nice, I haven't seen her that happy in a while.

'Thank you for talking to Tony for me,' she says, falling into step with me as I head toward the main doors of the building. 'He called me at lunch. I don't know what you said to him, but it worked.'

I don't reply. I don't think I can. I've just died inside. Michelle had been smiling, Michelle had actually shown signs of happiness; I should have realised right away.

She continues to relay the conversation they'd had to me as we step outside, and all the while I'm biting on the inside of my cheek, drawing blood, trying in vain not to cry in front of her. Red hot tears are prickling behind my eyes and I can no longer hear her, only the sound of my heart beating. I fucking fell for it again. Tony Stonem and his pathetic games. How do I keep doing it?

Because you're obsessed, Maxxie, that's how.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that I'm in love with Tony. That would be stupid. Michelle's the one who loves him. I am, however, in love with the idea of Tony. The thought of having him to myself and him being at my beck and call is a euphoric one. I'm infatuated with an idea. I'm clinging onto what little hope I have left and I keep trying to make something out of nothing. But when he's with me, when he's touching me, it doesn't seem like an idea anymore because his desire is as strong as mine. Surely I can't have imagined everything.

I'm regretting not staying with him this morning now and that's pathetic. But maybe if I'd stayed he wouldn't have called Michelle at all. There's always a chance. Then again, if I'd stayed put I would have been giving myself over as some kind of toy for him to play with and things would have ended up being on Tony's terms. That's the last thing I want. I'm through with him trying to manipulate me.

No more giving in. No more. If he decides to change his mind, he's going to have to work for it.